Casually Cruel in the Name of Being Honest
by litewrite
Summary: What if John never moved away? Would Peter and Lara Jean found their way to each other without the love letter and while they were dating other people? Sophomore year, Margot and Josh are still an item, Lara Jean and Peter are finally talking again. Will they grow together or were they never meant to be? Disclaimer: Jenny Han's incredible creations that I adore!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

'John, I'm really sorry. It has nothing to do with you and it's just a lot with me, but I don't think this is working anymore.' The words fall out of my mouth with no conviction at all. I groan in frustration at my own incompetence. Why am I so reluctant to face confrontation? It is seriously an issue that I have. If there is any conflict in a room, I am always the first one out of there.

Ok, deep breath and try again. 'John, these last few years have been great, amazing even. I appreciate you for everything you have done for me and how much you have been there, but I just think we need to take a break.' Oh, that was a much better way of phrasing things and makes me feel a lot less awkward.

'But a break?' I say out loud to myself. 'Is that really what I want? Like am I just delaying the inevitable and giving him false hope? Yes, Lara Jean, you have to just rip off the band-aid.'

'Is that you, Covey? A voice asks behind me.

My body tenses up. Damn, someone has heard me and is probably about to run away after witnessing a crazy person talking to herself.

I turn incredibly slowly, dragging out the humiliation which is coming face to face with the person behind me. My eyes recognise the figure in front of me. Oh no, this isn't humiliation, this is full mortification.

'Hey Peter…' I try to say nonchalantly, but the quiver in my voice betrays me.

Of course who better to catch me talking to myself like an idiot than the most popular kid in school and also my boyfriend's (soon to be ex-boyfriend's) former best friend.

'What are you doing out here?' he asks, looking around to check there isn't someone hiding away from him.

'Uh just getting some air.'

'Who were you talking to?'

Damn, he did hear that. 'Ummm, why do you want to know?' Maybe if I deflect him I won't need to tell him.

'You were talking to yourself, weren't you?'

'Maybe.'

'Ok bit weird, but I don't mind.'

Great, cause I was really fretting about that. This guy is honestly so vain thinking that the world revolves around him and everyone is always thinking about him. For the record, I don't care if he doesn't mind that it's a bit weird, since I, myself, also think it's pretty weird. Argh, I don't even know what I am saying. My thoughts are a chaotic mess.

'Ok, well I think I'm going to go back inside now.' I quickly try to excuse myself to get out of this awkward situation.

'Wait, wait, wait, what were you talking to yourself about? It sounded like you were going to break up with someone.'

Does this guy have super hearing or something? 'Ummm, no that wasn't it.'

'Covey, you don't have to pretend.'

'I'm not pretending anything.' Now I'm really struggling to understand what this guy wants.

'You were out here talking to yourself, wouldn't you rather talk to someone else and actually get feedback?' he raises his eyebrows as if to say 'duh, obviously.'

'It's kind of personal.'

'Oh I got that.'

I sigh. It would be nice to actually get the opinion from someone in a relationship but I'm not even sure if I want to go through with this and it would be disastrous if John found out I was thinking about it, if I then changed my mind.

'I still don't really know what I'm doing or even if I'll do it. I don't want anyone to find out, ok? But thanks for offering your help.' I say it sincerely, cause most guys would have just run back into the party and raved about the weirdo outside, though he tried to help her.

'You're welcome.'

Nope, now she is pissed again. Like really? He wasn't even offering that much help, probably just trying to lure some gossip out of her that he could run back to his mean girl girlfriend who could spread it around. I don't even resist my eyes from rolling.

'What are you doing out here?' I ask, now realising that him being here is also a bit weird, given we had been talking for a while and not once had he checked his phone, meaning he probably wasn't waiting for an uber to pull up any minute.

'Oh just getting some air.'

'Nuh-uh, I already tried to use that one, Kavinsky.' Seriously, how dumb does he think I am? Using the same excuse as me.

'Because you were so giving with your information.' He says sarcastically.

'That's a cheap shot and you know it. Now answer the question.'

He tilts his head to the side at me and gives a chuckle, like he hasn't even been given this attitude before. Most girls probably take one look into his brown eyes and fall to their knees. They actually probably ending up doing a lot more than just look at him while they're down there as well, not that I'm judging, but those are the stereotypical girls that the "great" Kavinsky attracts.

'I'm honestly just hiding from Gen's friends. She isn't here so they are all spying on me and constantly trying to talk to me to make sure I don't talk to anyone else.' He sighs. He lowers until he is sitting on the gutter.

'That's a bit…ummm.. possessive.' It's hard to say this, knowing that she is his girlfriend, but honestly I can't think of any other way to describe it.

'You're telling me. It just frustrates me sometimes that she doesn't trust me, like what kind of a relationship is that?' he opens up.

My shoulders tighten a little. This is getting weird. All I wanted was to know why he was out here judging me, not suddenly instigate a therapy session and hear all about his relationship woes. Though I can't but notice that some of his problems with Gen are at least slightly similar to mine with John.

'Yeah that's really irritating.' I decide to seat down on the gutter next to him.

'And the worst part is that she almost enjoys it, knowing that I can't do anything else.'

I nod. 'If Jane Austen was here she would probably say that you are vexed by her.' I emphasis the vex with an old British accent twang.

'Huh?' Peter is giving me a very weird look.

'It means to be troubled persistently by petty annoyances.'

'That still doesn't make sense.'

Argh, clearly Peter Kavinsky can barely read, let alone understand a word that has more than 5 letters in it.

'It just means to be annoyed by little things.'

'Well yeah that's exactly how I feel.'

'Hence I made the deduction.' I sigh. I had literally just said that Jane Austen would have described him like this. He probably doesn't know who Jane Austen is either, uncultured swine. Ok, that was mean. He is just a plain old jock.

'Deduction? Isn't that a maths thing?'

'What you don't know what a deduction is? Have you never seen Sherlock?'

'Oh yeah like the movie with Robert Downey Jr. That's a great movie.'

I can't stop the groan that escapes my lips. Screw being mean, Peter is definitely uncultured swine. 'No it's the television show with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. Only one of the best bits of cinema to ever grace the great channel which is the BBC.'

'Oh my mum used to watch the BBC, that channel was crazy boring.'

I can't argue with this kid anymore. 'Ok let's go back to talking about your borderline psycho girlfriend.'

'She's not a psycho or a borderline psycho, she just needs a lot of reassurance.'

'Why do you think she needs that though?'

He was dating Genevieve. Someone who used to be my best friend before we got into high school. In fact me, Peter, John and Genevieve all used to be best friends through middle school. I remember spending so many afternoon and even full days hanging out together. There was also Chris who is still my best friend and is Genevieve's cousin, as well as Trevor Pike and Allie who used to hang with us as well, but us 4 were the main ones. Peter and John were best friends, while Genevieve and I were the closest out of the girls. Genevieve and I spent hours dreaming about how one day we would both be power couples and we would rule any school that we went to. Apparently only Genevieve and Peter would go on to rule the school. Peter was always a super sweet and charming boy. Even though he had his flaws like when he insisted on being called Kavinsky or when he always took the last piece of pizza or just always felt entitled to anything over someone else, but he was really genuine and kind back then. He used to volunteer to partner with the kids who didn't have a partner and he was in chorus longer than any other boy because he didn't let any of their opinions stop him from doing something he liked. There was a time, I like to refer to it as the time I was temporarily mentally handicapped, that I actually liked Peter. Ok, maybe I thought it was love at the time, but it absolutely wasn't my fault. I always knew that he and Genevieve really liked each other, or at least that's what she used to tell me all the time, but when Genevieve went to see her grandma and John went across the country to see family one summer holidays, I almost thought Peter liked her back. Peter used to complain about not having Genevieve or John to hang out with so he got stuck with me, but eventually we were meeting at Carolyn Pearce's treehouse or going to each other's houses every day. I never thought we had much in common, but we both had a similar sense of humour. Peter's mum and dad were out for a lot of the day, while my mum was often at home since Kitty had just been born. My mum really liked Peter and always talked about how charming he was. She even scowled him once for not using manners and then spent the whole afternoon, teaching Peter how to eat properly when a lady was around. The memory of Peter carefully studying the way my mother pulled my chair out for me to sit down and then meticulously copying it over and over again with me is one that still makes me laugh. We would ride our bikes together all around town until our parents were begging us to come inside.

There was one day that I won't forget though. It was almost the last day that we had to ourselves. John would be back the next morning and Genevieve was coming back 2 days after that. We were racing down one of the streets just over from my house that rarely has any cars on it. I was in the lead, beating Peter (as usual). I was pedalling faster than I ever had and for the first time, after going down the massive heel I wasn't going to try to slow down. I was almost at the end of the road when a car suddenly came out of the drive way, a braked quickly but then swerved and went straight into the concrete gutter. I don't remember much, I just remember seeing blood then watching Peter run towards me with a worried look on his face. I was crying and felt pain all over my face. Peter turned around and urged me to get on his back so he could take me home. Somehow I got up and he ran with me all the way until I got home. My mum was so worried when she came outside and saw me. She grabbed me from Peter, thanking him and took me to the kitchen to cover my bruises and marks. Later I found out, that Peter had gone back and gotten his and my bike leaving it against the side of my house. His parents wouldn't be home for a while so he was waiting outside until my mum was done. I had a swollen lip, a bandage over a cut on my chin and some scars on my hands. She ushered us over to the television and put on a movie for us to watch as I held ice against my lip. Peter kept glancing over at me making sure I was ok. I kept the ice on it and gave him a thumbs up. After the movie he moved towards me so our knees were almost touching.

'Does it hurt?' he asked, peering at me. His eyes big and innocent.

I nodded. The ice had made my lips go numb but my chin and hands were still stinging.

'Where does it hurt the most?'

I put down the ice and I pointed to my chin. Though my finger was angled far away so I was just pointing to the area of my lip and chin in general.

'I'll make it better.' He declared, then he leaned forward and kissed me.

I remember it stinging a bit because of how bruised my lip was and not really being able to feel much because of the ice. But the idea that Peter had just kissed me was insane. It was the only time I had ever seen him look shy as he shifted back to the other side of the couch after the kiss. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about him and I really had a crush on him. I never told Genevieve or John and Peter and I never spoke of it ever. If I hadn't replayed the memory over and over in my head so much, I would almost believe it didn't happen but it did. My first kiss, it was Peter Kavinsky. By the time we got back to school though, he and Genevieve were hanging out a lot. My heart would break little by little as they kept arriving together at the tree house, or leaving together, or would make plans without us. Eventually they then became a couple. Genevieve was getting more and more popular and started ignoring us at school in favour of other people. Peter used to still talk to us and hang out as he was still really close to John, but then something happened between them, they had a falling out or a fight or something and they didn't speak much again. Peter sometimes said Hi to me in the corridor and when Owen and Kitty might be at the same event and we would cross paths, we would sometimes have conversations. Then I started dating John and we never spoke to each other again. I really missed him and never forgot about that kiss, but from what I have heard he is doing much bigger and better things. He and Genevieve have some crazy sex life. I haven't witnessed much but there are always stories about then having sex in someone's parents' bedroom or doing it in a closet at a party. Sometimes her eyes wander over to him in the cafeteria, Genevieve is usually surrounded by minions happy and waiting to do her every command, while he is just hanging with his friends, sitting behind her. It looks incredibly fake and staged, sometimes I don't think they say a word to each other when sitting there but then they'll be passionately making out in the locker corridor as the bell goes. I always just figured that Peter had become more fake, polished and manipulative like Genevieve but maybe he wasn't.

Peter starts to speak up and my thoughts are interrupted. I have no clue how long I have been zoned out for or if he has mentioned anything yet.

'I don't know. Like neither of us dated anyone before or anything, so I have no clue why she would need reassurance. She is the most popular girl in school and constantly says how no one can compare to her.' He shrugs.

'But do you tell her that? Like do you remind her that she is beautiful and intelligent and amazing every day?' I ask. I can't believe I'm actually giving advice to my first kiss and almost my worst enemy.

'What? Why would I need to do that? She already knows it.'

'But it's not the same as being told by your boyfriend. Maybe if she has more voluntary actions from you, then she won't feel she has to do as much such as have her minions- sorry, friends, spy on you at parties.'

He sighs. 'She has actually been bugging me about something. She wants me to write her notes or something. Like I don't get why she wants notes. I can just text, tweet or dm her things and it's much easier and faster, but she wants notes. I don't agree, so I don't do it.'

I have to roll my eyes. Here he is sitting feeling all hopeless about his relationship, when the problem is literally right in front of him. 'Why don't you just write her the notes anyway?'

'Didn't you hear what I said?'

'Yeah I did, but notes are something else. It's the same thing. It's you taking time out of your day to do something for her. She's probably even annoyed that she has had to ask you to do this instead of you just wanting to do it. She wants you to want to write her things on a pen and paper so she has something to keep.'

'I don't think so. She's not as starry-eyed as you.'

'Who says that I'm starry-eyed?' Classic fragile masculinity that feels threatened when I give him actual good and true advice.

'You are totally the girl who spends her weekend watching romantic comedies and reading romantic novels. You want to believe in this amazing version of love but it doesn't exist.'

'Excuse me, but I have a boyfriend so I can say that it does exist.'

'Oh yeah? Weren't you just talking about breaking up with that boyfriend?'

I growl in my head. Screw him. I am definitely lowkey impressed at how he threw that back at me, but irritated that I can't think of a smart answer to that.

'You know, I'm done talking to you.'

'Wait, I'm sorry I meant that as a joke.'

'No you didn't.'

'Ok, I guess I just didn't like the advice you gave me.'

I give him the 'I know and I'm smarter than you' look. 'The truth hurts, Kavinsky.'

Now he is rolling his eyes at me. I have really missed the banter we had between us.

'Ok your turn, wants wrong with Johnny boy?' he pats the concrete to sit next to him.

I throw my head back in the air with a sigh. I really don't want to talk about this, especially not with Peter, but maybe he could actually help. Reluctantly, I move and sit next to him, keeping almost a foot distance between us.

'Ok, John is great. Like he is the perfect boyfriend in so many ways. Like he is great with my dad, super nice to my sisters, he calls me every night and when he says he will, he really cares about me and has been with me through so much…'

'But?' Peter raises his eyebrows, clearly not agreeing with many of the good qualities I am listing about John.

'I just don't know if we were meant to be more than friends.' Saying it out loud, takes a weight of my chest.

'What do you mean?' Peter is keeping his eyes intently on me, he is focussing on every word that I say. It feels nice to have someone, even a former friend, be truly interested and invested in what I have to say.

'Sometimes I feel like we are forcing a relationship when we might be better as friends. Like we hang out a lot and talk about a lot of things, but it's kind of like things haven't changed much in the last year. I go to him to parties and things, but he drops me at the door with people who I know than just goes about socialising instead of taking me with him. That's more of a petty example, but I don't know how to explain it.'

Peter nods thinking about it. 'Well this might be a personal, but how often do you guys make out?'

'Make out? Like kiss?' I don't know why he is asking, but I have never considered this before.

'No, I mean like make out. Like fully hot and steamy.' He moves his eyebrows suggestively. It makes me blush a little.

I think about it for a moment, before I blurt out. 'See that's exactly what I'm talking about. We've only made out like maybe once this whole month and even then it felt super forced. I just feel like there isn't a lot of passion.' Eww, now I sound like Elena from Vampire Diaries.

'I mean I get that.' How does he get that? Is he referring to our kiss that we shared? 'But maybe he just doesn't think you are ready for that and he doesn't want to push you.'

'What?' This is a new theory.

'Covey, I don't mean this in a mean way, but you are quite judgey and innocent.'

'No I'm not.' I fire back.

'Yeah you are.'

'No I'm not.' I answer firmly.

'I'll prove it to you.'

'I'd like to see you try.' My eyes narrow at him.

'What happens to a guy's dick when he gets turned on?' he is looking right into my eyes with a challenge.

I feel blood rushing to my cheeks. The female anatomy I know down to a tee. I would having two sisters and a father who is an OBGYN, but the male one I have no clue and just feel awkward talking about it.

'Ummm, he gets… he gets…..a happy.' I manage to stutter out. I can't believe I'm still using grade 5 sex-ed words.

Peter bursts out laughing. It's so frustrating that he is right about me and his laugh is even worse. I swat his arm.

'Ok, ok, you're right. Now just make your point.' I grumble. I don't want to let his ego get too big.

'My point is that maybe you need to prove to him by you are ready for that. Maybe get used to referring to a guy as being hard, instead of having a happy.' He lets out a giggle as he says it. 'Then show John that you want more than what he is giving you. He might then start treating you as more than a friend.'

'Are you sure that'll work?'

He shrugs. 'I don't know, but I do know that you are probably going through this awkward period in the relationship as you get to more serious intimacy and he probably just doesn't want to push you as much as he wants to go there or at least he thinks that.'

I nod understanding where he is coming from. 'Ok, that's actually good advice. Thanks.'

'You're welcome.' This time, him saying that doesn't annoy me. 'Are you going to go back inside and find Johnny then?'

I roll my eyes at his nickname. John doesn't let anyone call him that except his mother and Stormy of course.

'Yeah I think I will. Are you going to come back inside?'

He grumbles. 'Might as well. Don't want to look like a weirdo talking to myself.'

'Hey, you just made conversation with that weirdo.' I retort back.

He laughs. 'True, I guess I did.'

We walk back together into the party. I want to grab John and ask him to take us home so that we can get in his car and actually make out again. Maybe after that I can then have this conversation with him. I can't believe I was considering breaking up with him for a moment there. My heart is skipping as I think that we have another chance together and we can move on to the next stage.

'Over there.' Peter taps my shoulder and points towards the bar.

This party is being thrown by Lucas Krapf because his parents are out of town. He has a bunch of his musical theatre friends over, including some that are overage who have been providing the alcohol. John is over dancing with a few of them, he is clearly drunk as he tries to balance against a bar stool. I let out a sigh. That conversation won't be happening tonight.

I leave behind Peter and walk to John. 'John, what are you doing?' I can't hide the annoyance in my voice.

'Oh Lara Jean, I'm having a good time, here I'll get you a drink.'

'I don't want a drink.'

'Are you annoyed at me?'

'Yeah, you are supposed to be my lift home.'

'But your curfew isn't for ages, I'll be sober by then.'

I shake my head this is ridiculous. I lift up my phone and show him the time. 'It's midnight, you definitely won't be sober.'

He pouts at me. Usually I can't resist it, but now I'm too mad to look at him. 'Sorry, Lara Jean. I pay for your uber.'

'No, it's fine.' I don't want to guilt trip him. 'Just make sure you stay the night here, ok?'

'Ok.' He agrees.

I then leave him with all the other drunk people around him. I walk back to where I was before, I have no idea where I am going, only just away from him.

'Hey how did it go?' Peter pops his head out of a conversation with one of Gen's friends, probably cornering him to ask.

'It didn't. He's too drunk to have that conversation and too drunk to get me home.' The anger in my voice is more evident. I keep walking to the door, I need to figure out another way to get home.

I get outside. The cold breeze feels nice against my face. I could probably call daddy to come pick me up. He would be dozing off at the moment anyway waiting for me to be home in an hour. I would just feel so bad and ringing and I also don't know if he has been drinking either. Maybe Margot or Josh could spare a second to take me, but they would both be mad. I'm racking through my head for options when I hear the front door open behind me.

'Covey!' It's Peter, again.

'Yeah?' Twice in one night, this is weird.

'I didn't drive or have a car here, but do you want me to walk you back home?'

That would be a perfect idea. It would only take me about 30 minutes to walk home from here, though I'm not 100% sure of the route.

'I don't really know where to go.' I admit.

He shrugs. 'I can probably remember. I spent enough time there when I was little.' He gives me a smile then starts walking and so I guess he is walking me home then.

We go around a corner and come to where rows of houses have short fences, in the shape of long concrete or brick pillars. I feel a rush of adventure surge through me as I leap onto the one of the first house.

'So tell me what's up, Peter.' I say to him, as I balance walking along the fence.

'Ummm, not a lot really. I just play lacrosse, go to parties, study a bit and help out my mum.' He answers.

'Sounds fun.' Silences falls between us.

We reach the end of the first house and I leap onto the fence of the second house. I steal a glance at Peter, he is looking at me with a mix of impress, confusion and understanding.

'You going to end up falling off there, you know?' he comments.

'No I'm not and even if I do, it's only a few feet to the ground.'

'If you say so.'

'You know you used to be more fun.'

'Did I?'

'Yeah you used to actually enjoy adventurous things instead of being critical of them.'

'I do still enjoy them. I hardly call balancing on a fence as adventurous thing.'

'Oh are this too low for your standards?' I tease him.

'Maybe it is.'

'I miss before when you didn't have standards.'

'I was kidding.'

'Yeah, but there was some truth to it.' I've reached the next house, the next fence is a little higher, but I can still make the jump.

'What's that supposed to mean?' he is peering at me confused now.

'It means that you do have standards now.'

He rolls his eyes, clearly unimpressed by how I am spelling it out to him. 'What standards do you think I have?'

'Standards on people. Like you don't interact with people who you don't think are popular enough.'

He goes quiet. I am wishing that I had held my tongue. I shouldn't be attacking him like this and I can tell that I have hurt his feelings a little.

'Peter…' I start and I am about to apologise.

'Nah, there is a bit of truth to that.' He admits. 'I don't know, sometimes Gen and the guys just want to be so in their group that I feel like I can't venture outside much. Like it's not having standards more than it is just peer pressure.'

'Why don't you just ignore it then?'

'I would, but I mean you've heard. Sometimes I feel like Gen is slipping from me each day and that I need to try harder. The "involuntary things" as you call it that I do, is just spending time with her and being at her beck and call.'

I nod. I'm starting to see now that Peter does really love her and care about her, she just isn't seeing the ways that he is doing that.

'But that shouldn't stop you from talking to people.'

'It doesn't. It just stops me from hanging out with them. Why don't you think I talk to people?' he asks me, he seems really interested, probably because we are talking about him and he loves to hear about himself.

I take my time to take a few more steps on the fence. I have a few words on my tongue but I don't think I can say them. 'I've just seen you ignoring people.'

'Who do I ignore? I can't think of anyone who I actively ignore.'

I can't take it anymore. 'I'm talking about me.' My voice comes out small and soft.

He stops walking as he registers what I am saying. I soldier on not wanting to have to face him or have a confrontation – that fear of confrontation really is a thing. I don't even know if he would want to keep walking me home after this, I have probably insulted him enough that he doesn't want to. Finally I hear footsteps quickly behind me, Peter catches up.

'Tell me I'm wrong.' I sass him, looking over at him expectantly.

He looks down at his feet and sighs. 'Ok no you're not completely wrong.'

I nod. 'I told you so.' I say satisfyingly.

'But I just thought with what happened between me and John that you wouldn't want to ever talk to me and I was probably mad at you for taking his side.'

'What did happen between you two?' I can't help but ask.

'You don't know.'

'No, I do, I just want to hear it from you.' I lie. I really want him to tell me because I honestly have no idea. John has never said a word.

'I can't do that. He's your boyfriend, he should be the one to tell you.'

'Oh now you want to be a valiant gentlemen.'

He frowns at me. 'No I just don't want him to think I am trying to make things worse. We have both kept to ourselves and I want to keep it that way.'

'So why did you stop talking to me then? I wasn't involved.'

'I don't know, I just thought things would be weird between us now that I was dating Gen and you were dating John.'

By now we have reached the end of the street and turn down the next one. I am back on the ground with Peter.

'Why would that make it weird?'

Peter peers over at me, searching my face to see if there are any trace of awkwardness or acknowledgement of what he is about to say. There aren't any because I honestly don't know.

He rubs his hand over his face. 'I actually don't even know, but I promise I'll say hi to you now.'

I don't control the next words that slip out of my mouth. 'Good.'

Silence falls between us as we keep walking along the path.

'I think I also just wanted to keep my distance after everything happened.'

I know exactly what he is referring to, but I don't want to talk about it, especially not with him.

'Yeah I get that. How is it being in the popular crowd?' His eyes went soft as he was talking before but now he just nods as if understanding why I would want to push on the conversation and change the topic. I'm grateful that he pays attention to this, instead of just galloping forward with his initial remark.

'It doesn't feel that popular. Like I'm just in it because of Gen and my friends, as opposed to being in it for the status. I mean what does popular even entail?'

'Ooooo, Peter K is using a big word.'

He rolls his eyes at me. 'I do actually have a vocabulary.'

'Yeah the vocabulary of a five year old.'

'Harsh, damn Covey I should start calling you Judgey McJudgeykins based on this attitude.'

'Oh just because I refuse to bow down and swoon over you?'

He laughs. 'What can I say? It's a talent.'

'Do you take everything people say as either a joke or a compliment?'

'I mean, probably. It makes life much more fun and exciting that way.'

'Not being able to take anything seriously?'

'If that's what you want to call it.'

'Maybe you should work on that then. Take things more seriously to find out what is important to you and to people around you.'

'I do that.'

I just look at him just my best eyes full of disbelief. 'Mmm-hmmm.' I make sure to emphasise how I am unconvinced.

'Ok stop it with the judgey eyes.'

'What?'

'The judgey eyes. You are giving them to me right now.'

I shrug. Actually that's a good name to call these eyes, since I have used them on him many times over the course of our walk. 'Fine, but just listen to what I say.'

'Ok, but you should listen to what I say and try be less judgemental.'

Now I'm rolling my eyes at him, but I nod. I guess I need to heed his words if I expect him to pay attention to mine.

'I've seen you play a few lacrosse games. You're quite good at it.'

'Really? I haven't seen you, but thanks.'

'You need to get better at passing the ball though.'

He snorts and then lets out a laugh. 'You barely even know the rules, you can't tell me what to do.'

'Oh but I see the game and you always like to show off, but then you lose the ball and the opportunity for one of the other teammates to score.'

'I like the chase. Anyway you could barely even run 100 metres without getting tired.'

'I can run 100 metres.'

'I doubt it.'

That hurt a bit. I mean I know I am not fit by any means, but 100 metres is easy stuff. We turn another street corner. I can see the end of the street and it looks almost 100m away. I get a sly look on my face that he doesn't as he peers over at one of the houses.

'Fine. Ready, set, GO!' I take off as fast as I possible can, pumping my legs quickly and driving my arms up. I've passed the first side street, when I hear footsteps hitting the pavement behind me. Clearly Peter has recovered from the shock and is up for a challenge. He mustn't remember that I was the fastest girl in our group in middle school and could even sometimes outrun John whenever we played tag. I still have to be able to run to be faster than Kitty nowadays as well. My legs are starting to get fatigued but the challenge and Peter's smirking face are enough to motivate me to go faster and put everything into it. I can see the end of the road coming closer and closer, but Peter is closing in on me. I can see his arms in my peripherical vision, but we are almost there. Just as we reach the end I put in everything I have and I collide with the fence of the last house, a second before Peter.

I laugh out loud. The adrenaline is still pumping through my veins and the satisfaction of beating him is making me light headed. I put my head between my legs as I struggle to catch my breath and laugh at the same time. 'I beat you!' I announce, smiling up at him.

He smiles back at me. 'Well you got a head start and cut me off a few times back there.'

'Admit it, Kavinsky, I won and you were wrong.'

He throws his head back and groans. 'Fine, you won and I was wrong.'

I jump up and down throwing my arms around. 'Yayyyyyy!'

He smirks. 'Ok are you finished celebrating so can we keep walking?'

'Awwww, did I bruise your ego?' I tease him.

He scowls at me, narrowing his eyes. 'You really have a thing for working guys, don't you?'

His remark almost makes me stumble in surprise. Did I have a thing for it? I didn't think so. I had never worked a guy in my life. I mean, obviously I knew how to rile up John but that comes from spending so much time together and wanting to tease him. To be honest, I haven't actually ever teased or mocked a guy other than John, until tonight with Peter. Usually I just stay quiet and polite to them, but for some reason, it just feels so easy and carefree with him.

I scoff at him. 'I might be able to work them, but clearly I can't work them up enough to be more passionate.' I comment, reminding him of our earlier conversation.

He looks like he is about to say something, but he is interrupted by a car speeding down the road. It's Gabe Rivera's car. He pulls up in the driveway in front of us and rolls down the window.

'Oi Kavinsky, wanna lift? We gotta spare seat.' He calls out of the car.

I peer in and see Darrell in the passenger seat and then two other guys in the back, with the seat in the middle being vacant. Peter looks between me and Gabe, conflicted.

'It's ok. My house is only a few streets away now and I know where to go.' I tell him. It would probably be easier for him to get a lift back now, since his house is further away than mine. I'm sure he would probably enjoy being with his Lacrosse friends instead of me as well.

'Uhhhhhh.' Peter rubs the back of his neck with his hand, thinking about his options.

'Peter, honestly it's fine.' I reassure him. He doesn't really need to consider this or feel guilty about getting a ride.

He turns back to Gabe, dropping his arm from his head. 'Actually, you know I'm good. I'll just walk back after I take Lara Jean home.' He says.

Gabe gives him a bit of a weird look, but then shrugs. 'Ok, suit yourself.' He then pulls out of the driveway and drives away.

I turn to Peter. He has a light smile on his face, as if waiting for me to thank him. 'You know I can walk myself home.'

'Really? You sure these streets aren't too scary for you?' he teases.

I cross my arms. 'Don't tease me, you're the dumb one who just turned down a lift home.'

'I wouldn't call it dumb.'

'Then why did you do it?' I am curious at what incentive or investment Peter could have to want to walk me home the whole way.

'What? Maybe I'm actually enjoying talking to you.'

I laugh at him, he gives me a puzzled look. 'Sorry, I mean why wouldn't you enjoy being constantly teased and insulted by me?' I joke.

Now he laughs. 'You're so funny Covey.'

'Was I not funny when I was younger?' I'm teasing him now and maybe digging for a compliment.

'Nah you were. I mean I've always thought that you were cute, but in like a quirky way.' He admits.

I roll my eyes. He almost actually gave me a compliment that I appreciated until he threw in that 'but in a quirky way' part. Like I wasn't enough to be cute and he couldn't figure out how he could possibly find me cute until he realised that it was in a quirky way. I mean who wants to be called cute in a quirky way? I've always felt like quirky was just an adjective that people used to try make weird sound more presentable and amicable. I just keep walking.

He has probably noticed that his last comment has caused silence from me. I feel him glance at me a few times as if about to say something. 'But what were you saying before?' he changes the topic.

'I can't remember.' I think it had something to do with John but I don't know if I want to talk about that again with him.

'You talked about wanting him to be more passionate.'

'I did?' I squeak, trying to deflect him off this.

'Yeah, what did you mean by that?'

I sigh, maybe I could ask him about some things. 'It's hard to explain, but like you and Genevieve, you started dating maybe 6 months before us?'

'Really? I thought it was longer.'

'When did you start dating?'

'We were officially together at the start of 8th grade.'

'Yeah and John and I started dating at the end of the Christmas break that year.'

'Really?'

'Yeah?' I don't get why he is prying about this.

'Huh? I thought you guys got together later than that.'

'What makes you think that?'

'I didn't really see you guys acting like a couple until we started freshman year.'

My cheeks turn a light shade of pink. 'Yeah we were slow-burners, I guess.'

He nods. 'Fair.'

'But like so you and Genevieve have been together for over 2 years given that we are in sophomore year now and John and I are going to have been together for 2 years soon as well, but the stages of our relationships couldn't be further apart even though the time is similar.'

'Um, ok. I'm not following this though.'

'Like you and Genevieve have had a crazy sex life since freshman year, yet we've hardly gone beyond first base.'

Peter shifts uncomfortably. He probably feels strange talking about this with me, but it has just been something that has been on my mind for so long that I either needed to tell someone or just get clarification on it.

'How do you know about my sex life?' He is searching her face, probably trying to find some embarrassment where she admits she has been secretly stalking him and keeping tabs on him for years.

'Everyone knows. You guys did it in her parents' basement, right?'

His eyes go wide before he gives a begrudging nod. 'It's great that the whole school knows about my first time.' He mentions sarcastically.

I just shrug at him. I'm not sure what he expected when he is dating someone like Genevieve, who uses everything personal that happens in her life for a way to push her status up in the world.

'Do you get what I mean though?' I am not willing to spell it out even more for him so if he doesn't get it by now then I just want to move on from this subject.

'Yeah, but I mean I think the difference is that maybe Gen and I have done more physical things, but you and McClaren are probably much more emotional than us.'

'Like in a good way or a bad way?'

'I don't know. Sometime I just feel like Gen and I are always just trying to jump each other instead of actually talking about things. Then she'll just get mad at me out of the blue for not wanting to write her notes or talking to other girls, instead of mentioning it earlier if we had talked.' He looks off into the distance, a slightly sad look on his face.

'That is hard. You're right I mean I can say that John and I talk every day. There is nothing that I wouldn't tell him and he wouldn't tell me. Aside from the sisters, he is probably the person who I know best and he knows me best as well. It's nice having someone who you can tell everything to who will always understand and be on your side.'

Peter looks over at me. His eyes are enormous as emotions swirl through them. 'Yeah that's how Gen and I started, but we've just lost it a bit over the year. Like don't get me wrong, the sex is great.' A cloud floats over his face as he zones out probably picturing Gen naked or something else as cringeworthy. 'But the emotional connection is nice as well.'

'Do you think one is more important than the other?'

'I don't know. I never thought about it.' He shrugs. He looks over at me expectantly.

I then say words that I've never said out loud before despite them weighing on my mind for a long time. 'I think that they need to balance each other out, because the difference between a best friend and a boyfriend that you tell everything to and can always talk to, is usually the intimate and the physical side of things. Whereas the difference between a hook up or sex-buddy is the emotional and caring side. It's the best of both which make a healthy relationship.'

Peter is now looking at me intently. He nods eagerly. 'That's a really perfect way of putting it.'

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.'

We finish walking along my road until we are in front of my house. It's hard to believe that this night has gone the direction it has with Peter and I sharing so much and some what reconciling our friendship.

'I don't think either of us are really done or disappointed in our relationships.' I start to say to him. 'I think we both just need to be stronger and talk about what more we want and need.'

He looks down at his feet. 'Yeah I think so too.' He pauses for a moment, then meets my eyes. 'It was really great talking to you. Finally getting another perspective and getting advice that seems like it will work. I think I really needed this.'

'Yeah I do too.' I admit to him. We hold eye contact for a few moments more, relishing in this understanding between us.

'Thanks for walking me home, Peter. I'll see you at school.' The eye contact is getting a bit intense, so I lean back on my heel to turn around.

'Yeah you too Covey. Don't worry I'll say hi.' He winks at me and grins.

My thoughts seem to blur when he flashes his smile. Why did he have to be so handsome? I was allowed to notice that, wasn't I? I still thought that John was very good-looking, but there was just something about Peter. As if he was on the other end of the spectrum of handsomeness, his dark eyes, dark hair and sculptured features all complimented his face. Especially as the moonlight shines down on him, I can't stop but appreciate his looks. I quickly turn on my heel to avoid staring at him longer, going up to my house. I look down at my phone and see that I have arrived 10 minute before curfew. I have a bunch of missed calls and texts from John, which I decide to reply to once I get upstairs.

When I am all ready to go to sleep, I go through his messages. There are some asking where I am and a few wondering if I got home, before he has informed me that he is staying the night and is going to sleep. I sent him a quick text that I got home safely and before curfew so that he doesn't wake up feeling worried. I know that he will be feeling extra apologetic tomorrow, so I look forward to that. I also have a new sense of hope for our relationship and that we can finally sort everything out.

 _A/N: WELLLL HIIIIII! Surprise story that I wasn't really expecting to put out! I am going back to the roots and rewriting a bit of the books with a new story. I know now everything falls in line but I hope you like the few tweaks that I have made. It's basically based in a universe where John Ambrose didn't move away from them, where they are in sophomore year (so indeed spoiler, Margot is still hanging around and with Josh) and how Lara Jean might have been different by having John in her life and being in a relationship from the start. I hope you guys really love this story, I'm just starting it now so that I have something to keep going with once my other one finishes off. Please leave reviews if you like this and want more! I would love to hear your feedback and I especially adore when the stories are new and everyone has their theories and ideas, so feel free to review those as well!_

 _I hope you like it and look forward to more updates! xxx_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I am sprinting around the house as usual trying to find everything that I need for school today. Margot is already pestering me about being more organising and having my life together. Urgh, like she can say anything, she barely remembers what day of the week it is during the exam period. She was in a much better mood last week when they had seniors week and they were able to get all dressed up and have their fun days. They even went to Disney World on the Friday but Margot didn't go as she wasn't interested. Once I'm pretty sure that I have all of my books in my bag for the day, I run down the stairs and am, of course, greeted by an exhausted Kitty.

'Kitty, are you having chocolate for breakfast?' I scowl her.

'Yep.' She admits freely.

I peek over to see if Margot is watching. 'Let me have one.' I insist, though before she can answer I have already grabbed one from in front of her. She whines but that doesn't matter. If I was Margot then I probably would have had to have given her a whole speech about how its bad to have chocolate for breakfast and it's unhealthy, damaging to the teeth and whatnot. But thankfully I am still the second oldest at home, so Margot using takes up that role.

'Seriously Lara Jean, chocolate? Do you know how bad that is for you?' Margot gives me a disappointed look as she looks at my chocolate. I have to resist smiling because this was what I exactly predicted.

'Do you want me to take my time and go back and get something else for breakfast?' I offer sarcastically.

She rolls her eyes. 'Just come on. Josh is waiting.' She pulls me outside by my bag strap.

'Bye Kitty, Bye Daddy.' I manage to get out before I am yanked out of the door.

The door closes behind me and Margot continues dragging me outside. Josh is already in his car in the driver's seat. Margot is a very good driver, much better than I could ever be even though I'm still learning. She even has her own car which daddy managed to get off someone at work who was trying to give it away to someone because it was getting so old; however, this year she has decided that it is more eco-friendly to have Josh drive us on most days. I think she wants to spend some more time with Josh as well given that she is looking over in Europe for a place to go to college. Her car still gets used for my driving lessons or to do the grocery shopping and picking us up and all from our activities and friends houses, so it isn't collecting too much dust.

'Josh!' I call out to him with a wave.

'Lara Jean!' he calls back.

'Lara Jean is making us late again.' Margot frowns at me.

'Nah we still got time.' Josh says, putting his arm around Margot to hug her.

I quickly scamper around to the other side of the car so that I don't have to watch their PDA or make them feel awkward. I am definitely understand it because I have John and I get wanting to at least share a peck when you first see each other, but it still makes me feel a bit awkward to watch from afar. Josh and Margot soon follow getting in the front seats of his car.

They have the radio going and are talking about the van. I take a moment to stare out the window. It is going to be next year by the time John gets his car and then I am excited for when he can take me school. Not that I want him to be my chauffeur or uber or whatever, but rather because you can have so many other moments in the car together. Instead of first hearing about the other person is going when in a crowd of people at school or trying to sneak in conversations when the teacher's back is turned, there is the time in the morning to be able to talk with no one else around and no other distractions. His dad is getting a new car next year because of the company that he is with at work, which means that John will be able to have his old car. He still gets to use it on Saturday nights and late nights sometimes, but it will be so much better when he can have one to leave at school. At the moment he takes the bus as he leaves in a neighbourhood on the other side of the city, so even he is very eager for the car as well.

I zone back in to the conversation between Josh and Margot. They have been together since Margot's junior year, just before John and I. When Josh first moved here, he was really good friends with me and we would hardly hang out with Margot at all, except when he stayed for dinner. I tried to get him amongst the group of people who I hung around with, like Peter, John, Gen and I. He seemed to enjoy it for a while and would meet us up in our tree house a lot. There was even a night when he hosted us all at his house knowing that I would be able to come since my mum and dad would be right next door. He was a bit of a nerd though. He would always be coming over with comic books or video games to play. He and my dad got along quite well, but my mum always seemed to have a soft spot for Peter's charm. I am almost certain that it was Peter who got on his nerves and was the reason he didn't hang out with us much. Peter was very vain, even from a young age, he enjoyed charming girls and being the Rockstar of everything. We all knew that you just had to step back and let Peter enjoy the spotlight, but Josh had a harder time accepting that. He and Peter knocked heads a bit when Peter would try to take charge but Josh would insist that he is older and didn't want some kind punk bossing him around. Me and Josh still hung out when we could, but never with my group of friends. We were closer in 8th grade once Peter and Gen didn't hang out with us anymore. Sometimes I look back on it and I think that maybe if Josh wasn't there, then I might have started dating John earlier. It was usually the three of us hanging around and I enjoyed being the only girl as we would race around on our bikes. I remember all the people in the neighbourhood smiling and commenting on how I had two boys chasing after me. I always laughed and denied it, but I enjoyed the attention. Then one day, Josh came to me wanting advice about how to ask out the girl that he liked. My heart skipped a beat as I thought that maybe it was me, but then he revealed that it was Margot. I was happy for him and for Margot, even though I had never really pictured them together. It wasn't hard to help him as I knew Margot really well and eventually found out that she has a crush on him as well. About 3 months in that school year, he manages to have his first kiss with her and then they started dating. He has been hanging around for a while now and we have all gotten used to him. Kitty definitely has a crush on Josh. She even has some crazy ideas about getting a dog and naming him Josh, after her boy crush. Josh always takes time to hang out with her and even sometimes does things with her alone. When him and Margot were dating, it then turned into unintentional double dates with those two and me and John, even though John and I weren't dating. Once we were a couple then, the double dates almost became a tradition and we do them about every once a month. It's really nice just having something that my sister and I are going through the same time. Sometime we'll stay up talking about the sweet things our boyfriends do for us, or we'll start screaming about how idiotic they can be sometimes. We try to include Kitty in it as well so she can learn about what to look for in a boyfriend, something that our Mum wasn't around to teach her like she was us.

We pull up into the parking lot and I see John pacing around outside of the school. He looks worried as he keeps tucking his hands into his pockets. This should be good. I am excited to hear about his excuse this time and how he is going to apologise to me for Saturday. I wave goodbye to Margot and Josh as I walk across the parking lot to where John is. He watches me the whole time as I walk towards him.

'Hi.' I say.

He lets out a deep breath. 'Lara Jean, I'm so sorry. I should have watched my drinks more. I'm sorry.'

'And?' I prompt him.

'And…..' he pauses thinking. 'I'm sorry that I didn't give you a lift home or pay more attention to your curfew.'

'John, what happened? Like if you knew you were going to have a big night, why did you drive then? Why didn't you let me know?' I am questioning him, because I don't want to just let him get away with it and then he does it again, but I need to understand why this happened in the first place.

'I've just been stressed about a lot of things and I think the peer-pressure just got to me. You know how much I like fitting in with those people and I was trying to keep up with their drinks but just ended up losing count. Can we talk more about this later? I'll come over after school. ' his eyes are big and pleading.

'Fine.' I accept.

'Look I'll make it up to you. I'll even come to your scrapbooking class at Belleview on Friday afternoon.'

'Really?' My face lights up. Even though he own grandmother, Stormy is in the nursing home, he barely comes to any of the classes that I run. Margot works there part time and a few afternoons a week so she was able to organise this class for me to run to help get me some employment credit. Usually it's only the oldies and me, so it would wonderful to have John there.

'Yep, I promise I'll be there.'

'Ok, but we are still talking about this later.' I point at him, letting him know to prepare.

'Of course.' He gives me his perfect smile and then swings his arm over my shoulder.

I am hopeful about our conversation we are going to have after school as I am also thinking that I might be able to bring up some of the things that Peter and I talked about. Not that I would ever consider mentioning that had gotten advice from Peter, John would be furious if he found out that I disclosed some private details of our relationship to him, but maybe I just credit some magazine or something since he would never bother investigating that.

John keeps his arm around me until I get to my locker so I can unpack my bag and get my books for the first class. We don't have any classes together today, but like the very loyal boyfriend he is, he still holds my hand and walks me to my classroom. He used to even do this when we were friends in eighth grade, I was just so ignorant and had no idea it was also his way of showing interest in me. We wave goodbye to each other. Some of the couples around us who's boyfriends are doing the same, they kiss or even make out a little before entering the classroom, but my hatred and discomfort for PDA would never allow me to be ok doing such a thing. I walk into Chemistry, trying to avoid looking at those couples and also avoid looking awkward around them.

'Hey Covey.' I hear a voice say. I look up and see Peter smiling at me with his eyebrows raised.

'Oh I'm touched. You actually acknowledged me.' I tease him, holding my hand to my heart.

He sits on the other side of the room from me at the edge of the table. So I just catch him poke his tongue out at me as I walk past him to my seat. I can feel a few eye on me and hear some whispers behind me from Gen's minions as they talk about what just happened. I have to roll my eyes at them. Seriously, he just said two words to me, it's nothing to get so worked up about. Man, it's just so petty and so high school. It's times like this I can't believe I actually put up with this stuff every day.

The school day goes slowly but in no time, John and I are sitting on the couch, eating some of the snickerdoodles I made and doing our homework. Margot is still at school working in the library and Josh is at an Anime club meeting. John and I took the bus to my house together. Almost every stop the bus stopped at, John would look over at me and promise 'just a few more months', honestly this car couldn't come quicker.

'So can we talk now?' I ask him. He is trying to look busy with his homework and has been bringing up all sorts of small talk this afternoon. He was trying to talk about the weather, then even tried sports, fully aware that I have no interest for or knowledge of them. He had then been trying to fill every moment of silence we had studying with questions which I knew he knew the answers to. He and I were in all AP classes.

He sighs and places his pen down. 'Ok.' He admits, he takes a snickerdoodle off the plate and starts to eat it.

'Why did you feel peer-pressured? I was there, and I wasn't drinking.' I cut straight to the chase. I don't want him to dilly-dally any longer on this.

'But you are you. You don't feel the need to drink to enjoy being around other people or anything.'

'Who says that I don't?' I huff.

'You never have had a desire to drink at those parties. I just sometimes like to do it for fun, but you are right, I shouldn't have felt peer-pressured by the other people and I need to learn to better stand up for myself.'

'That's true.'

'But maybe you should try drinking at one of the parties.' He cautiously suggests.

'Why?' I am confused how he is flipping this on me.

'Because you might have a lot of fun and see why I enjoy doing it, instead of being critical of me.'

I am about to give him a look of disbelief and comment on how I can have more fun without alcohol, but then I remember what Peter mentioned about my judgey eyes and being too judgemental so I hold back.

'Ok yeah. I think it would be good to try, but I don't want you drinking at the same time. I'll need someone to take care of me and insure I don't make a fool out of myself.'

He nods. 'Always.' He then gives me his perfect smile. He keeps looking at me and I at him, so I decide that I need to broach the subject in particular that I was actually wanting to talk about.

I scoot over to him and wiggles my way around until I am sitting on his lap. A look of surprise registers on his face. I don't often sit on his lap, only if there isn't any other chairs available or if someone makes a joke about it. I put my hands on either side of his face, his sunny yellow hair almost reaching my fingertips. I lean down and kiss him. He jerks in surprise but realises what is happening and starts kissing me back. His hands don't move from where they are on the ground next to him. I open my mouth and so does he. When he finally comprehends that this isn't just a peck, he puts his hands on my waist. He never moves them from there even when we are kissing. I tilt my head to the side, deepening the kiss further, something that I rarely do. I can tell that he is trying to process what is happening by the shakiness of his hands He is probably very confused how I have gone from being mad at him and confronting him about his drinking at the party, to now be making out with him on his lap. Our making out is usually limited to when something special or particularly exciting happens, and never usually just in the living room of one of our houses. I slide my hands from the side his face and down his neck, where I caress the skin just before it is covered by his shirt. His hands are still frozen on my waist. I try to use my tongue to give him some more encouragement, but he doesn't react the way I want him to. Eventually I pull away, we are both breathless.

'What was that?' he asks me, a smile on his lips but a very confused expression around his eyes.

'John, you know we can go further if you want. Like you don't need to be afraid of doing more.'

He looks a little scared now. 'What do you mean doing more?'

I look down at him. Has he not been having the same thoughts and reservations as me? 'I don't know, like more! Like you can let your hands roam more, kiss my neck, feel me up…' I trail off, hoping he can catch the gist.

He shifts on his legs. 'Are you sure?' he asks looking up at me. His eyes are searching mine trying to find a telling sign of what I am saying.

'Yes! John, we have been together for almost 2 years. It is definitely time that we spice it up a little bit.' He blushes when I say this, but I power on. 'Like obviously we're not going to start having sex any time soon, but I just want to let you know that it's ok to be more physical and intimate with me. Wait, no, I want you to do more of that.' I tell him.

An embarrassed smile comes to his face. His cheeks are still red. 'I just didn't want to pressure you into anything or push you to do something that you didn't want me to do.'

'Well, trust me, I do want to it and I know you want it too.'

'Ok, thanks for letting me know. I'll try explore a bit more.' He almost cringes as he admits this. I give him a smile and a peck on the cheek, before I move back to my spot on the couch.

'Maybe we should try studying in your room.' He suggests.

I look at him confused. There isn't much space in my room to study and the natural light that comes into it really isn't that great. It's also a mess right now which he definitely knows and so we would probably trip over something walking in.

'I thought you liked studying here.'

'Well maybe we could do something more than studying in your room.' He hints with a wink.

Now I am the one blushing. I quickly turn and run upstairs hearing his footsteps behind me. I can't believe that I didn't give him a chance and try to take about this sooner.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Friday afternoon finally comes and I am crazy excited for the scrapbooking class that I am having. We are currently working on scrapbooks to pass down to the grandchildren or other children who are close to the residents at Belleview. I managed to get donations from the visitors so that we could have an abundance of supplies for this project. It has been so amazing and heartwarming to see the photographs from some of their families and hear about their favourite stories that they share. I have always been someone who has loved making scrapbooks as a gift for the people around me, so it has been great to be able to share this love.

I am giggling away with Stormy as she embarrasses John as she shows me a whole bunch of photos of him when he was a little kid with glasses.

'Oh your cheeks are turning red!' I tease him.

'Look at how adorable he looks here, this was his first game when he was on the tee ball team. Your mum was so proud of you that day.' Stormy enlightens me.

I have to laugh again. 'I know, his mum always tells me those stories about him being on the tee ball team. My favourite one is when he accidentally threw the bat into the umpire's face when he missed the ball.'

Stormy starts laughing as well remembering that story. 'Yes that was so hilarious. I also love when he forgot where the third base was and so he kept running until he almost reached the next field.'

They both burst out laughing again, just watching John get more and more annoyed at them. 'Ok, ok I get it. It's a good thing my tee ball career didn't continue, now what are we doing for the scrapbook?'

Stormy swats his arm. 'You can't be here to see it, it's a surprise!'

He shrugs and kisses my cheek before leaving to help someone else with theirs.

'That boy is crazy about you.' Stormy announces. 'I keep telling him to get you a piece of jewellery because that way you'll truly be his.'

My heart has palpitations as I hear her say this, remembering back to just a few day ago when I was on the brink of breaking up with him. What would have happened to Stormy and I then? Would we have never been able to see each other? Would she have hated me for breaking her grandson's heart?

'I don't know if I want to belong to anyone.' I answer cautiously. I would rather belong with someone instead of belonging to them.

'Why, of course you do. That means that they have to stand up with you through everything and need to heed your every command.'

'Sounds like you had a few back in the day doing that for you.'

She winks at me. 'I might have had 30 or 40.'

I gasp at her. 'Stormy, you minx.'

'What can I say? I didn't want to settle.'

'Do you think Margot and I are settling?' I ask curiously, after a beat of thinking about her answer of how she used to live her life.

'You, no. Margot, absolutely. I swear that girl is such a goody-two shoes. She spends nothing with her time back hanging out with that dull boy and studying in her room. You tend to get out more, going to parties, having dates and exploring. Coming here once a week is definitely much better than every single day.'

A wave of guilt washes over me as she insults Margot, I try to stand up for her. 'Josh isn't that dull and Margot loves him very much. She is also in her senior year and is trying to up her GPA, so the studying is understandable.'

Stormy huffs at her. 'Back in my day, there were no such words as GPA, SAT or whatnot. Girls and boys could just have fun without a worry.'

'The employment rate was much higher back then.' I tell her.

'What was that? I didn't catch that.' I roll my eyes. She is predicting to not hear me, even though I know she has a thing she likes to term "selective hearing" where she only hears the things she wants to and blocks out the things she doesn't.

'Don't worry about it.' I surrender.

'See at least my Johnny is much more exciting than Margot's boy. Margot's boy hardly talks to me and seems to struggle with socialising.'

'Come on he isn't that bad.' I have to release a small giggle at how well Stormy describes Josh's antisocial behaviour.

'No I tried to talk to him once and he looked as though he would have preferred a truck to hit him than to be with me in a conversation. You know as well as I do, that I am one of the best people you can talk to.' Stormy boasts.

I just nod along. 'John has his flaws too though, so no one can be perfect.'

'Which is exactly why you must never settle. Not unless he is perfect to you.'

It is at this point of the conversation that I have to break myself away from her. Any more words from Stormy and I would be even more confused than I was before. I go over to start cutting more shapes from the paper for people to use.

I am tracing around the heart stencils before cutting out when John comes and sits next to me.

'Need a hand?' he offers.

'Sure, can you starting cutting these after I trace them out?' I hand him a pink sheet of paper already covered in the drawn heart shapes and a pair of scissors.

'Definitely.'

He starts cutting very carefully around each of the shapes, making sure to not make the lines too jagged, just as I taught him.

'Stormy didn't tell you anymore embarrassing stories about me, did she?' he asks nervously.

'As if she has any more she could tell.' I tease him.

He gives a chuckle. 'Just wait till our next double date, I'll be milking all the details from Margot.'

'Margot would never do that.'

'You're right, I better go for Kitty then.'

'Oh yeah and how will you do that?' I have a challenge in my eyes.

'Bribe her with chocolate, lollies, money, whatever usually gets her to do my dirty work.'

I gasp at him. 'Just because you don't have any younger sibling doesn't mean you can manipulate mine.'

'I wouldn't if it wasn't so easy!'

'I know, Kitty is just such a mastermind. She's probably going to be buying her first house as soon as she graduates high school at the rate she is making money off of you.'

'Kitty being in high school sounds so weird. It seems like it is aeons away.'

'That's what we thought about us as well and look where we are now.'

He smiles sweetly at me. 'It's hard to believe that we were first best friends and here we are dating in high school. It's nice to look back on.'

I smile back at him. 'Yeah it is. I mean I made it through all those horrible haircuts, I'm not sure what challenges we could have that could be worse.' I tease him.

'What about me? I made it through the twilight obsession period. Now that one was difficult to get through.'

'Are you kidding? You're glad I gave you an excuse to watch such an incredible love story with extremely hot men in it.'

'I'm hearing what you are saying, but it doesn't make any sense. We all know that was the worst love story of all time.'

'I'm still floored by the fact that I managed to convince you to read the books.'

He grumbles at this memory. 'You told me they were supposed to be better than the movies.'

'They were!'

'But they still weren't good.'

I have to laugh at him. 'Oh the things you do for me!' I peck a kiss on his cheek.

'Don't I know it.' He flashes a smirk at me which sends shivers down my spines.

After a few more moments of teasing as we cut out more shapes, it is almost time for the end of the scrapbooking class and dinnertime for Belleview.

'What to do something after this?' he asks me.

'I can't. I'm timekeeping at Kitty's swim meet tonight.' I tell him with a sigh. The last thing I want to be doing is dealing with kids bickering about who swam faster and constantly forgetting their times and needing me to repeat them.

'Do you want me to come?'

'Nah, remember the last time you tried and they had to remove you from the swimming pool for "disrupting the process", let's not have a repeat.'

He laughs at the memory. 'Fair enough.'

We have packed up everything into Margot's car as she finishes the last of her shift helping out in the kitchen and with the nurses.

'Call you later?' John asks me, wrapping one arm around my waist.

'Yes please.' I answer. He leans forward and gives me a kiss. It's a short kiss, but the way his thumb presses into my back and strokes tells me that he is remembering our conversation from earlier.

'I love you.' He says before walking to his car.

'I love you too.' I softly reply.

Then get into the passenger seat as Margot comes down the steps finally unlocking the car.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Margot is going out with Josh tonight and Daddy is still at work which is why I am taking up the Covey family duty of timekeeping. We have some time to shower and get dressed before Margot drops Kitty and I off at the pool. As soon as we arrive, Kitty goes running off towards her friends who are already sitting in the stands with their towels around their shoulders. I walk over to the tent where the timekeeping is done. I am not going to be timekeeping as such, the swimming committee would never let a sophomore have such a responsibility of recording the times of the precious youngsters. I am the one who gets all the times from each of them after the race has been finished. The times then go to who knows who and processed to name the best swimmer of the meet. I get to the tent and take a seat at the table where I'll be filling in all the times. I am borderline horrified when I see a chair set up next to mine. I do not want to the spend the next few hours having someone's mother lean right over my fill in the times and go on and on about how much her daughter is training and how amazing she is doing. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I love that and I get equally excited with them, but I have just had an afternoon socialising and being extra nice at Belleview so I am really not in the mood right now. I also don't think it is necessary to have two people to be filling in times when the job is quite self-explanatory. I am settling into the desk and starting to look through the names of the people racing tonight and the strokes they are doing.

'Covey!' Peter excitedly calls out to me.

'Hi Peter.' I respond. I'm quite confused at why he is excited to see me at a swim meet when I see him here quite a bit as Owen swims at most of the meets.

'You got roped into doing the timekeeping duty as well?' he asks, plopping himself on the chair next to me.

'Yeah, you did to?'

'That's the main explanation for why I'm sitting here right.' Peter teases me. He has a smile on his face as he tries to point out the obvious.

'And here I thought you were sitting down because you actually enjoyed talking to me so much.' I repeat back the words that he told me the other night when he walked me home.

Now he lets out a heaty laugh. 'Look who is the cocky one now.'

'Watch out, Kavinsky, I'll be on your level before you know it.'

'Now we both know that's not going to happen.'

I tilt my head to the side and narrow my eyes at him. 'Yeah you're right. No one could be as vain as you.' I have an incredibly proud and satisfied smile on my face as I just throw his words back into him. I even let out a giggle.

He chuckles as well. 'You're really proud of that one, aren't you?'

'Yep!' I declare, I'm still smiley by the time the first race starts.

The first race happens and we record all the times. Peter gets them from the kids and I record them down, seeing as Peter couldn't remember them when I was telling him. I have to smile at how friendly Peter is to all the kids. He gets all excited with them when they reveal to him that they just got a personal best or when they won his race.

'I got a 3 minutes and 45 seconds.' One kid runs over and announces.

'You did! Oh that's so good! Here give me a high five!' Peter says all excited for the kid in front of him who slams his hand against his for a high five. 'Did you hear that, Covey? This kid got a 3 minute and 45 second time!' his voice sounds so full of disbelief which makes the grin on the kid's face in front of us just grow even wider.

'Thanks Peter! Wow that's a really great time!' I add in. The kid goes running off all excited to tell his parents. Peter and I share a smile.

'Who's next?' Peter looks around.

'Me! I got 4 minutes on the dot.' Another kid from the race announces.

'4 minutes on the dot! That's so impressive, do you know how hard it is to get it right on the dot?' Peter asks.

'No?' the girl asks, clearly trying to get a compliment from him.

'It's really hard and I don't think anyone has gotten that time for the whole night. Great job!' She goes skipping off as well.

There is no one else in front of us who has another time, which is usually the only moment that Peter and I actually get to talk.

'You know you don't have to act that excited every time a kid tells you their time.' I say to him. I'm getting a little tired and exhausted from his unflattering happy and upbeat attitude.

'Nah I like it. They get so happy afterward.' He remarks.

'How do you stay so happy and upbeat with them? They are giving me a headache.'

'Awwww, Covey, do you need someone to tell you how great your swimming time is?' he teases.

'No, I'm not even swimming.'

He nudges my shoulder with his shoulder, causing me to sway slightly. 'Well if you were, you're your time would have been great. No not great, amazing, incredible, fantastic, do I need to say more?'

My cheeks start to feel a bit red and even I can't admit that it doesn't feel good to have him compliment me in that way. 'Ok ok ok, I get it.'

'Are you sure? Because I think you would have improved so much, like you could be the next swimming champion.'

'Peter!'

'Now tell me you don't feel another 10 feet taller.'

'Fine, it feels nice.' I admit to him as much as I hate it.

'Told you.' His satisfying smirk is so irritating.

I then notice that Kitty is standing behind one of the blocks about to race. 'Oh Kitty is about to go.' I quickly run out from my chair to go watch her race and Peter is right next to me.

'Take your marks.' The announcers says. 'Go!'

The buzzer goes off and I watch as Kitty launches herself off the block. I am going wild jumping up and down cheering for her. Peter is joining in as well though he is way too cool to jump up and down, so just cheers her name. Kitty comes first and I keep jumping up and down tapping Peter on the arm asking him if he saw it, he keeps nodding and repeating yes with an amused smile on his face.

Kitty runs up to me and gives me an excited hug. I whine as her wet body squelches against mine.

'Did you see me, Lara Jean?' Kitty exclaims excitedly.

'Yeah I did. You were so amazing Kitty! You looked like a dolphin the way you beat all of those other kids.' I encourage her with words similar to those that Peter said to me.

I walk back to the table where Peter is already sitting. He is encouraging and talking up all of the kids. I go and sit back down with him and start recording all of the times.

Kitty then runs over after hugging a few of her friends. Peter gives her a big smile. 'You're Kitty, aren't you?'

Kitty gets all shy around him. She is probably looking her thoughts because of Peter's dazzling smile. She nods with her head down.

'I think that was one of the best races I've ever seen, Kitty.' Peter looks intently at her.

She blushes as I pipe up. 'Yeah Kitty, what was your time? It must have been a personal best time for you.'

'It was a 3 minute 30 second.' She announces proudly.

Peter hoots for her as I write it down. 'That is an absolutely incredible time, Kitty.' He says to her.

'Do you really think so?' she asks, her eyes wide.

'I know so. I would almost pay to see someone race as good as you.' Peter replies.

She blushes and has a big smile on her face. It warms my heart to see her so happy and relishing in someone else's compliments. I take note of the way she bounces when she walks off feeling incredibly happy about it all. Our mum and I used to always come and watch her swim every single meet. Daddy would come whenever he could and it was such a great occasion as a family to watch Kitty swim and she always held her head so high in the car as we would all compliment her and cheer her on after. After our mother died, she wanted to quit swimming altogether but we managed to convince her to keep going; however, I've never seen her hold her head as high as she used to. Well at least not until tonight that was. Tonight I can finally see the proud and confident girl who I used to see before and her head isn't as high as it was before, but it now seems to be getting a little closer.

'Thanks for that.' I say turning to Peter.

'For what?' he asks, confused.

'For being so nice and supportive of her.'

'I'm been that way to everyone tonight.'

'I know, but it's nice especially for her because of everything…' my voice trails off at the end.

'I think everyone has things going on at home, which is why it's nice when they can just have a moment where someone really believes in them.' he means it really sincerely.

I have to look away and a lump forms in my throat. I never really thought of it like this. Peter was being that excited for everyone not just for Kitty but because I am her sister, I know how much it means to her and how important it is. I look up and see all the kids who have just raced before who are still grinning from ear to ear probably still relishing from Peter compliments and cheers for them.

'How the hell do you know this?' I am actually beyond shocked that someone such as Peter could be capable of having such sincere feelings. I mean honestly I want to say I was shocked that Peter actually had a heart.

He reaches for the pen in front of me and then starts flicking it around between his fingers. 'I don't know it's just something that I do.'

From the expression on his face which is deep in thought but also very much closed off. I want to ask him more questions and drive deeper into his head and emotions, but I know that from the look on his face, that I shouldn't ask anything more.

'Ok, if you say so.' I say in sing-song voice to him which tells him that I don't buy it for a minute.

We watch a few more races and this time, I get fully involved with talking the kids up. Even though I complained about not being in the mood to cheer, as soon as I start I feel myself chirp up a bit more. Seeing how excited everyone is and how much my words means to them just warms my heart. Peter and I even get into a competition to see who can some up with the best ways to boost them and who can think of the best praising words, but once we started stringing together over ten words at a time, we had to call it a truce.

Suddenly Peter sits up straighter. 'Owen is racing.' He informs me, getting out of his seat. I follow behind him.

There he is. A lanky kid with brown hair spilling out from his swimming cap. He looks incredibly built for someone finishing middle school, but I am sure having Peter as an older brother means that they do a lot of sport. He is doing all sorts of high fives and handshakes with his friends as he climbs onto the block.

'Watch he's gonna win this.' Peter says to me.

The announcers starts. 'Take your marks…. Go!'

They all take off. Owen's long arms swing out in front of him and he gets the lead.

'Come on Owen!' Peter bellows out.

I throw in a few cheers here and there but no one is louder than Peter is. He even starts getting all excited and jumping up and down like I was before. Instead of acting too cool like him, I join in straight away. He ends up coming third and when he does, Peter leans over to me and reminds me how this actually isn't his best stroke, despite boasting about him before. I just smile and let him have it.

I sit back down to get all the times while Peter goes to Owen. They do some weird handshake and then Peter grabs him in the headlock and violently ruffles his hair. I am almost concerned as Owen's face goes red and he looks to be in a little pain, but then Peter lets him go and Owen turns around, shoving him back as he does. A smile is plastered over Owen's face even though Peter is punching his shoulder and lightly slapping his face. They finally make their way back over to the table which is now free as all the other boys have already given her their times.

'Congratulations Owen! You really have an amazing dive!' I comment.

'That's cause he got these noodle arms.' Peter teases him.

'Oh like yours are any better.' I retort back at Peter.

Owen laughs out loud, pointing at Peter. Peter glares at her before he flexes one of his biceps. 'What these things? They aren't noodles.' The lines of definition are actually quite marvelling and my eyes focus on them a little too long.

'You wait till I'm your age Peter, I'm gonna have triple the muscles you have.' Owen boasts, puffing his chest out.

Now I can definitely see the resemblance not just in their appearance but in their egos and attitudes.

'Ok Arnold Schwarzenegger. Give Covey your time and then message mum, she'll want to know how you went.' Peter advises him.

'Oh you're a Covey? You're Lara Jean, right?' Owen asks me.

'Yeah I am. I don't think we have met before.' I'm wondering how he knows who I am. While I knew about him a bit, we've never actually met in person.

'Well I'm Owen, yeah I just know about you because of Kitty and…uhhh…' He pauses to think for a moment. I don't have to be a genius to realise exactly what he is thinking about. 'Uhhh…Peter.' He finishes. He then gives me his time before swaggering off to where all of his friends are. He is in the oldest age group of the meet, so they are sitting up the top of the hill watching over the pool.

There is silence between Peter and I. I think he realises exactly what Owen was about to say as well. It isn't much of a surprise. I think most people are aware of who I am, one of the girls involved in the tragedy which was losing our mother.

'How come your mum couldn't come?' I reflect the conversation onto him.

'She has to do some accounting stuff for the shop. An inventory and stuff like that. She is trying to determine how much she can discount for sales before Christmas.' Peter explains.

I nod. 'Yeah I always really liked her shop. I'll probably even go there before Christmas so hopefully there are quite a few sales.'

Peter nods.

There is a break for the relays when the organisers of the meet are trying to herd the children into their teams and clarify what everyone is doing. It is about a half hour intermission of the meet. I am feeling a little hungry and so is Peter so we go to the canteen to get a few snacks. I get a packet of skittles while he gets a chocolate bar and a burger. I eye him for the unhealthy choice but he ignores me. We go back and sit at our chairs.

'So Covey, give me an update.' He says before tearing into his burger.

'An update on what?' I reply opening up my packet of twizzlers.

'An update on my advice. Did it work?' Peter inquires further between bites.

I can't resist smiling as he asks that. Yes. Yes, it did work and now it feels better than ever to know that John is understanding this and that we are taking the next stage. 'Yeah it actually did.' Is all I tell him.

Peter nods, then gestures for me to continues. I shake my heda at him which makes his shoulders slump.

'Come on, you gotta give me more juicy details than that.' He pleads.

'What? Why?'

'Well if you want advice on it again, I need to be able to consider what happened this time and adjust accordingly.' He smiles at me.

I have to take a moment to think about this. Do I really want to get more advice from Peter? If it wasn't for tonight, I was feel weird seeing him around school knowing we had given advice to each other but then that was the end. I take those thoughts away. If it wasn't for the perspective that Peter had given me, I don't really think that I would have had this conversation with John and I would probably still be on the brink of breaking up with him.

'I just told him that we could get more physical and he said that he didn't think I was ready and didn't want t push boundaries, but if that's what I wanted then he could oblige.' I leave out the more steamy details as I am sure Peter doesn't want to hear those and also I do not want to tell him. He nods in response which I take as an indication I don't need to say more.

'See I told you! I really do speak guy very well.' Peter boasts.

I roll my eyes. 'Sure. How did you go with Gen?'

Peter does almost the exact same thing that I did and a smile spread across his face, despite the way that he noticeably tries to hid it and resist. My heart warms a bit seeing him get that happy and assuming that the advice worked for him and Gen.

'You did good on that. I started writing her notes and as tedious as it is, I think I have realised how important the little things are. She get's so happy about me doing the simplest thing of writing some words on a piece of paper. We also just had a chance to talk and like really talk, you know?' he trails off a bit.

I nod encouragingly to urge him to keep going. It's funny how he is just blurting everything out at once. I realises though that he only has Owen and his mum, then hangs a lot around with jocks, unlike me who has my sisters and Chris. He probably doesn't really have many other people to tell who would understand and not just slap him on the back and laugh at him.

'We didn't get too deep or anything, which I kind of expected from our first real talk, but like I just held her and neither one of us was jumping the other which I will deny if you ever tell anyone I said this, but it was really nice.' Peter's eyes have a happy glow to them as he thinks back to what happened, I have to smile back seeing him this happy.

'I am glad that it worked out for both of us.' I tell him, nudging his shoulder just like he did to me earlier.

'Yeah I might need to hire you as my on-call therapist or something.' He jokes, nudging me back.

My face adopts a horrified expression. 'No way, I can't deal with all your issues about how "your hair isn't being styled properly" or how "you are not allowed to walk shirtless around the school", no thank you.' I imitate his voice as I mock the excuses and problems he would probably have.

He tries to scowl at me, but a laugh escapes his lips and then he gives up. 'And here I thought that you thought of me better than just another high school jock.' He shakes his head at me.

'Oh well glad I cleared that up then.' I tease.

He laughs again. 'Alright, nerd.'

'Seriously, is that all you got? Here I am delivering all of these zingers and the best you can come up with is "alright, nerd".' I have to smile at the opportunity that has just been given to me to quote my favourite musical, Hamilton. '"Such a blunder, sometimes it makes me wonder, why I even bring the thunder."' I rap to him.

Peter laughs again, so hard this time that he has to put his burger down on the table. 'Where did you even get that? I want to use that!'

'It's a secret. If you aren't educated enough to know it, then you are not worthy enough to use it!' I declare on him.

'Whatever you say, Covey.' He is still laughing. I can't help but laugh with him.

That night Kitty is as happy as a pig in mud. She falls asleep in the middle of trying to give Daddy a run by run of everything that just happened at the swim meet. I call John, shower and get ready for bed. I see Daddy carrying Kitty up the stairs to put her into bed. He gives me a goodnight hug before going downstairs.

As I lie in my bed, I can't help but feel a little giddy. It's nice to have Peter Kavinsky back in my life. I didn't know how much I missed him as a friend. It feels nice to have someone to laugh with all carefree and not worry about. I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't ask for him for relationship advice because he knows the other perspective, but maybe because he is one of the first people who gives me advice based solely on me and how I'm feeling instead of any other factor.

 _A/N: Thanks so much for everyone who reviewed! The reaction to this story is awesome and I appreciate it so much! Can anyone guess which song is heavily referenced in this chapter? I love how on board everyone is with the friendship between LJ and PK. There is a lot still to be revealed with this story and I'm excited when we will reach those points, but please keep having theories and telling me what you think! I love hearing it from you! I know we have had a lot of boy time in the first two chapters, but don't worry we are going to get a few more perspectives in the next chapter and find a little bit more about LJ and JAM. Please review, favourite or follow this story if you are a fan and liking where it is going! It means so much to me to get your feedback and know you are loving this story as much as I am! xxx_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Kitty has declared tha she wants a girls night tonight with just the three of us and no boyfriends are allowed. What Kitty wants is also usually want she gets. She manages to kick up a fuss about us not having as many girls nights anymore, so here Margot and I are sitting on the couch with Kitty in between us enjoying a big bowl of popcorn. We are watching one of my favourite movies, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It's not as good as my favourite movie, Sixteen Candles but it is by John Hughes so it definitely up there. We were up the scene where Ferris and his girlfriend are hilariously kissing out the front of the school when he picks her up.

'Ewwwwwwww!' Kitty remarks.

'Kitty! Calm down, they are just kissing!' Margot antagonises her.

'But it's disgusting.'

'It's what people do when they are in a relationship.' I pipe up. Kitty should be comfortable with this by now given that both Margot and I have boyfriends.

'You guys don't do it, though.' She glances between us.

'Just not in front of you.' Margot looks down at her.

'Why not?' Kitty huffs.

Now I have to laugh. 'Because you would get all weird and disgusted by it, just like you are now with the movie.'

'No I wouldn't.'

'Really? So you want to watch Josh and me kiss?' Margot teases her.

Kitty's cheeks go red. 'No, that's not what I meant.' She rolls her eyes. 'On second thought I prefer you don't go anything private in front of me.'

'I don't think either of us plans to.' I declare to her.

We ease back into silence to watch the movie. We reach the point in the film where Jeanie is taken to the police station with her mum and then her mum catches her making out with a criminal outside where she gets really disappointed.

'Does it make you sad to know that mum never got to see you two in relationships?' Kitty asks, softly. Her eyes have tears around the rims of them.

Margot and I share a look, I nod at her slight and she takes a moment to pause the remote. Kitty has never been one to open up much our mother, not since her death. She is someone who just bottles it up and tries not to have the feelings, but we all know she does. I always regret being so hard on her after it all happened. Margot and I were just so nervous and scared for the future. We had no idea how to possibly fill the role that she played in our lives or in Daddy's life. All too many times, we would reprimand Kitty for acting out or not helping make Daddy's life as easy as possible and to my absolute sadness and disappointment, I think we may have caused her to think that she had no right to talk our mum either. We tried broaching the subject with her a few times, but she didn't want to talk about it. Like me, she wanted to just slide under the radar more and not be a nuisance to anyone, but unlike me she did it because she felt she needed to and she had to, instead of actually wanting to. It happened only 3 years ago. Kitty was barely 6 years old, I was 12 and Margot was 14. Kitty didn't have much clue what was going on. I remember the days after it as she would try to understand what death meant and how to explain it. She tried asking for our mother's phone number so she could call her while she was in heaven. She couldn't understand how she could possibly still have a family without her. It was heartbreaking having to watch daddy sob as he told her that she was never coming back and that she could always talk to her, though she might not always get back an answer. So the moments like this when she opens up and wants to talk about it, are the moments that Margot and I drop everything to be there for her.

Margot speaks first. 'Sometimes I am. Sometimes I imagine the things she would have told me as soon as Josh and I got together. I think about what advice she would give me and the things that I would talk to her about. I would have loved for her to have had a chance to meet him and to have dinners with us. It would have been great for her to witness how much he makes me laugh and how well he and Daddy get on when they start talking about comic books. I know that she would have loved Josh, even though she barely knew him back then. It's just the little things and even just the presence of her that makes me wish she was here.' A tear falls down Margot's face as she recounts everything.

'What about you, Lara Jean?' Kitty isn't crying yet, but her lower lip is quivering.

I lie back on the couch and think about it, then I just let the words flow out of me. 'It does make me sad, but not because I would have wanted her to know John as my boyfriend, instead I would have wanted her to know how I was when I was a girlfriend. There are so many things that I talk to her about before I go to sleep in my head, but it would be nice to get an answer and get some advice. Sometimes I just want her to tell me that it's ok and to validate the feelings that I have.'

'Did you ever talk to Mummy about any of your first crushes?' Kitty is now hugging her legs.

Margot shakes her head. 'It wasn't until I met Josh that I had any desire to ever be around a boy.'

They both look at me. A lump forms in my throat and tears group behind my eyes. I never knew that I was the only one to hear this from our mum, so I know that it is even more important to share it with them.

'Yeah I did.' I admit, both Margot and Kitty lean in to hear me more, intently listening to every word that I am going to say. 'It was the summer just before seventh grade. It was when Gen and I were still friends and so were Peter and John. Back then though. I thought that I was madly in love with Peter Kavinsky.' Margot immediately scoffs at the name while Kitty nods, probably remembering him from the swimming meet. 'I remember sitting up in my room feeling all these emotions and my first reaction was to write a letter. I had written one before, but not one to this extent. I was going to write a letter so it could remind me just how powerful my emotions could be, but as I was writing it, that was when Mum came in and interrupted me. I started pouring out my feelings.'

'What were you feeling?' Kitty interrupts. Her eyes are wide and filling with tears as she hangs on to every word that I say.

'I felt like I was flying.' I have to let out a chuckle as I remember exactly how I was feeling back then. 'I started rambling on about some of the strangest things to her. I first listed off all the things that I didn't like about Peter, like how he went by Kavinsky, he took the last piece of pizza and he was always taking charge and boasting about himself. But then I couldn't stop talking about the things that made my heart flutter- his smile, the way he sang and danced in chorus, how he seemed to be so nice to everyone and how we had the same sense of humour and could always have a laugh with each other. I listed off all of these things, but then I revealed to her how much it hurt that despite all this, he would never see me as more than just a friend….' I pause letting a few sobs escape my lips before I start talking again. 'I remember that mum shook me and told me that he definitely saw me as more than a friend and if he didn't then she was going to make him. It was then that she would start peeking on me and Peter when we would hang out and then she would report back to me that night. She also started testing him in her own way to test if he was worthy.'

Kitty sniffles, wiping her sleeves against her nose. Her tears are flowing freely now. 'What did she do?' she asks, through sobs.

I give her a small smile. 'She told me the multiple ways to figure out if a guy has a crush on you. He had to either laugh at your jokes even when they weren't funny or always be making excuses to want to hang out with you as much as possible or teasing you but then apologising and complimenting you if he thought he had upset you or doing anything that you asked him to, even if he didn't want to, there were some more but I can't remember them. She would then point it out to me every Peter did anything like that to prove that he thought we were more than friends as well. She then started testing him, by teaching him the etiquette needed to take a girl on a date and was very impressed when he wasn't bored for a moment and was interested in everything she taught him. She would give him chores to do and see how much he argued back or refused to do them and then she would just sit him down one on one and talk to him like an adult to see how he reacted. At first, I thought that he would be the only guy that I would ever have the approval from our mum for, but then I realised that she wasn't trying to teach me or show me that Peter was the one for me, instead she tried to make me realise exactly the type of guy that I deserve and how much they need to love me and do for me to be worthy of my love or even me crushing on them.'

Margot is crying as well. Soft sobs coming from her mouth, while Kitty is full ugly-crying and not holding back. I was probably somewhere in between. I scoot over behind Kitty and pull her onto my lap so she is cuddling against my chest.

'I only wish she could be around to teach me so much more. There are so many times that I need her, I really do, but I also know that she is in a better place and she is watching over me and all of us the whole time.' I stoke her head as she sobs.

'I miss her so much.' Kitty says in a shaky voice.

'I know I do too.' I coo her.

'I do as well.' Margot says through sobs also.

I look back down at Kitty. 'But just remember what she taught me, that a guy is only worthy of your love and your attention, when they prove it to you.'

Kitty nods and snuggles against me. Margot crawls over, tucking her head against my leg and putting an arm over Kitty. We stay like that for a while until we all calm down. Eventually we are feeling much better and all cried out, so we move back into our spots.

'I have to tell you both something.' Margot reveals.

'What is it?' Kitty asks quickly. I look over at Margot, she hasn't mentioned anything to me about this before.

'I'm thinking of going to college in Scotland.' She reveals.

'What!?' Kitty and I both scream.

'When did you decide this? And why do you want to leave us?' I say. I almost immediately regret the words as I say them. I don't want to blame her for anything but I just can't understand this decision. When she was looking at the colleges over in Europe, I thought that she was maybe looking there as an idea or so she could see which American colleges offer exchange programs to her favourite ones. I never thought she would actually want to go there, especially not for four years.

'Come on, this can't really be too much of a surprise. I'm still going to be applying to schools around here like UVA and UNC, but I'm also going to try go aboard. I just want a chance to get out of here. I know that this place means a lot to us, but sometimes I feel like it is kind of a weight on my shoulders being here. I really just want to go away and explore more of the world. I also feel that if I go away to college now then I'll be more ready to travel after I graduate since I would have already have left home before.' Margot explains.

I can't help but just nod now in agreement. The main reasons why I would be wanting her to stay are purely selfish ones and ones that are based around me not wanting her to go.

'What happens to Josh when you go away?' Kitty asks innocently.

Margot looks down for a moment. 'I don't know.' Though something in her eyes tells me that maybe she does. 'Nothing is definite though. I might still chance my mind before next year.'

I have to chuckle at her. I know that she is trying to give us hope and make the situation not seem too sad, but I know her well enough to know that she won't be changing her mind before next year.

'I'm happy for you. You'll have a great adventure over there but we'll definitely miss you a lot.' Is all I leave it at.

We then turn back to the movie. I don't know if my emotions can take talking to Margot any longer about the prospect of her leaving and not being around anymore. I know it isn't until a year away but it will be so hard saying goodbye to another person in our lives. From the uneasy and uncertain look on Kitty's face I know that she is thinking something similar.

The movie finishes and we just stay on the couch, talking about random things and nibbling at the corn kernels left in the bottom of the popcorn bowl.

'Kitty, you like our boyfriends, right?' Margot asks. My body goes still.

'Yeah, they're ok.' She reveals looking down.

It's not hard to see that between John and Josh, Kitty definitely prefers Josh. She literally has a crush on him and probably even daydreams about him. She is always asking Margot when he is next going to come over for dinner and always wanting to do things with the two of them all the time. I can't blame her though, Josh has been great to her. He'll spend the afternoon with her if Margot and I are both busy and has even taken the liberty of getting her hooked on Harry Potters books, to me and Margot's joy. John isn't really her favourite. I think it might be because they have known each other for longer. When we were younger, Kitty was the little annoying sister, who I was always trying to distract so she wouldn't hang out with us, or when she would, Gen would get annoyed that she was hanging out with us. So John got used to having her around and teasing her like he does with me, but I think she might have been fine with it when we were friends, but once we started dating she started acting weird. I have tried to talk to her about it before but she just denies there is a problem. I once overheard her talking with Margot in the kitchen and she had said that she feels like John always treats her like a child and as my little sister, but she made Margot promise not to tell me so I would feel bad bringing it up. John is also usually studying very hard, playing sport or doing model UN, so he is much busier than Josh is which means Josh tends to hang around more and spend more time with Kitty than John can.

'Are you sure you don't want to come to our double date on Saturday?' Margot invites her.

She shakes her head. 'No Shaenae is having a sleepover that night which I am going to.'

We nod in agreement. 'You like this double dating thing, right?' Margot asks me.

I nod straight away and maybe a little too eagerly. 'Yeah it's nice we can do this.' I am not lying at all when I say this, because it is really nice to have the time with my sister, her boyfriend and my boyfriend. It's just sometimes I wonder if everything is overlapping too much. Between John and I double dating with Josh and Margot, then me working with John's grandmother at Belleview, sometimes I wish my relationship wasn't as interconnected, but then I also don't know what a relationship would look out without that. Josh and Margot both really like John and enjoy his company, it's why the double dating as worked as well as it has. Neither couple is that much into PDA, so it never goes beyond each of them maybe holding hands of having their arms around each other. I spend a lot of time wondering how far Margot and Josh have gone in their relationship. During those double dates, we seem to be similar couples, but I also know that Margot and I are very different so I am not sure. Her and Josh are also older and have been together a bit longer than John and I. I would ask Margot about it, but it just feels so awkward and confrontational, which is the situation that I consistently cracks me under pressure. It was this times that I wished I had my mother. Maybe she could reassure me that I was doing things in my own time and that was fine, or she could give me advice and remind me of where my heart is. I just feel so confused without her some days.

'I'm glad we can do it and it's always a lot of fun. If I end up going to Scotland, I'll put together a whole list of the restaurants that we should go to, that way I can go to almost every single within a 5km radius or something.' She smiles.

Our town is pretty small, so within 5km is probably pretty doable. It's when we get closer to the Charlottesville region that we would be getting very overwhlemed by the choices.

'That would be great. I could even get together a baking list and bake all the things you used to love, so you can choose the ones you want most for me to send over,' I perk up.

'Yes!' she nods eagerly.

'Hey, what about me?' Kitty interrupts our excitement.

'How about you do a list of all of the schemes you are going to put together and I'll let you know which ones you can do while I'm away?' Margot is light-hearted, but Kitty takes her words very serious.

'That's awesome! I've already got a few up my sleeve!' Kitty goes darting up the stairs to her room.

'Oh no you've unleashed the mastermind.' I laugh at Margot.

'Well hopefully she'll listen to me when I reject all of them.' she says back guiltily.

'Not a chance.' We share a giggle over our little sister and her determined ways.

'Did you want to make a nice dinner to surprise Daddy when he gets home?' Margot looks over at me and asks.

'Yeah that would be awesome. Should we go to the grocery shop so we can do something special?'

'Nah let's just stick with what we have and do one that we'll know he likes.'

We settle on making spaghetti Bolognese for him which is super easy for us. I am in charge of the pasta due to it's simplicity while Margot does the sauce and the meat. We play some music and dance around as we cook. Eventually Kitty comes down and start dancing with us, though she is put on setting the table so she doesn't accidentally spill anything or knock something over in the kitchen.

Daddy walks in and sees as all dancing around. He holds his hand to his heart. 'I remember when I used to walk home and see your mother doing the exact same thing.' He voice breaks as he remembers.

'Oh Daddy!' all three of us say. We all run over to him and give him a big group hug together.

'No tears until after dinner.' Margot commands from him, pointing her finger at him.

'Ok, ok.' He holds his hands up to surrender. 'Do you need me to do anything?'

'Nope it's all covered. Come with me.' Kitty announces, before grabbing his hand and leading him to his seat at the table.

Margot and I carefully bring over all the bowls of food for dinner. We serve everyone and sit down to start eating. Daddy doesn't eat straight away though, he just looks between the three of us.

'What?' Kitty asks bluntly, her mouth full of food.

'I'm just so in awe of how I got so lucky with you girls.' He remarks.

Usually we would tease him or say 'Daddy, stop!' but this time we just smile at him. Margot reaches for his hand and for my hand next to hers, I extend my arm across the table to hold onto Kitty's and she in turn grabs Daddy's other one. We all give each other a squeeze before letting go and continuing. It's the moment like these that make me so grateful for my family and fill me up with happiness that despite everything, we can still find the good things in life and always stick together.

 _A/N: SURPRISE! Another very quick chapter! It isn't as long as the other two, but I can't always spoil you guys with 8k+ words per chapter particularly at the start otherwise I would definitely burn out. This one is just to let you all into what has been happening with the Covey family. As you can see, so in order to kind of cancel out the love letters but have Lara Jean till experiencing the same emotions, I changed it so their mum died a later in their lives. If you couldn't tell, her mum then became the person who stopped her writing the letters, because I kind of have a theory that if her mum was there then she would have talked to her and told her about her emotions for the boys instead of writing it down and putting it away. Then of course her and John get together before she has a chance to write one to Lucas, John or Josh. What do you guys think?_

 _I know that her mum knowing Peter is also a little confusing, but it_ _ **might**_ _come up a little later (oooooooooo, any theories?). Also sorry if I am spoiling any of the parts of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but if you haven't seen it, then you definitely should!_

 _I love getting all your reviews particularly at the start of the story when it's a little more shaky._

 _Will there maybe be an update coming tomorrow? I don't know, maybe if we get more reviews then I'll see how soon everyone wants it. I'll probably be holding up the chapters to release only one a day, that way people don't get confused if there are two updates and accidentally skip on. All I can say though is that the next chapter is very long and very juicy!_

 _So stay keen a least for the first few days of this story and please favourite, follow, review to tell me what your thoughts are on it! xxxx_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

As soon as you reach a few weeks into the first semester of a new school year, that's when some of the prepping for the assignments begin. It's when Chemistry finally gives out the lab report that has to be done with the lab partner in conjunction to an outline of the work about to be covered over the course of the semester before the exam. For history, it is the teacher delivering the assignment and also revealing that it will need to be completed in partners. I don't yet know which one I prefer. Sometimes I enjoy doing the assignments more as there is more time to complete it, but in the past I have definitely been one to leave it until the last minute and then been wishing for an exam that I was able to cram for the weekend before. I have sworn that this year will be different though. The teacher is choosing our partners which doesn't concern me that much as I have already decided that it will be totally fine if I end up completely the assignment by myself. I can't really be too picky about much and if I have a lazy partner who doesn't want to do much, I can't let that dead weight pull me behind. History is usually the subject that I do well in the assignments but pretty awful in the exams. The exams just have so many dates and do many details about them that I always struggle to remember. Of course, I can remember a few things and churn out at least a mediocre essay, but John is topping the cohort and keeps reminding me of it, so I want to at least squirm myself a little closer.

John and I have the same history class, which is nice when we get a chance to walk to it together. Peter and Gen are also in this class. Usually we both make an effort to ignore each other when we walk in. In that fashion, John and I tend to seat at the front of the class on the left, while they sit in the right back corner. I can sometimes hear them chatting, Gen giggling as Peter lean in close to her. The teacher regularly has to tell them to stop and keep their hands off each other until after the lesson, which almost always incites the other boys to wolf-whistle and clap for Peter, attention that he absolutely laps in. I could never imagine doing that with John. He is always leaning forward and listening intently to what the teacher is saying. He works incredibly hard at school just like I do and so if I randomly moved closer to him, he probably wouldn't have even noticed. Sometimes I look at them and think it's nice for them to be noticing each other and still laughing when they are together at school, but then when it goes on for way too long, I am glad that I don't have someone constantly distracting me like them.

Our teacher walks in and everyone falls a bit more quiet.

'Ok, so we are going to be picking the groups at random. I am not going to pick them myself as I know many of you will come running up to me, wanting to change.' Mr Henderson announces to the class.

John groans and rolls her eyes at me. I pat his arm, though I can't help but agree wit Mr Henderson that this is probably the best way. It would definitely better distribute the class so someone more smart can help someone who struggles a bit more instead of having two people struggling together.

'I also want to give you more of a chance to get to know the people in this cohort and in AP History, so I am going to be insuring that you are with someone who I think you don't know as well. Or at least I am going to try.' He says.

John and I both exchange confused looks at each other. I'm really not sure how he thinks he is going to do the groups like that if he isn't choosing them.

'So I want everyone to complete the readings and worksheets that I am about to give you, while I record everyone's name who is sitting on the right side of the room, then every person on the left side will pull one of their names out. And yes Kavinsky, if you even think about switching sides, you will be working alone.'

The whole class laughs as Peter throws his hands up and claims, 'I didn't even do anything.'

'But I know you were thinking about it.' Mr Henderson smiles at Peter.

I have to laugh when I turn back and see Peter pouting at Gen. Gen is ignoring him, but it still makes me laugh. Peter has such good relationships with every teacher. Even when he is being a rascal and playing up in class, he always gives a funny excuse of a smooth comeback to the teachers which make it impossible for them to punish him. I glance at John and see him rolling his eyes at Peter, not at all amused by his behaviour or what how Mr Henderson was teasing him.

'Well that confirms we won't be on the same assignment.' He whispers to me under his breath as we read through the sheets that have just been handed out.

'Yeah, but it's all good. That means we can proof-read each others.' By that, I mean that he can proof-read mine, since he is better at history than me and probably doesn't rank my criticism very highly.

'That's a great idea. Nah, it's probably for the best, otherwise I think we wouldn't be getting any actual studying done.' He smiles at me. My heart races a little faster thinking back to the last time we were supposed to be studying together.

We both turn back down to continue reading. I am quite happy we can't work together as I think we are still trying to work on the physical stuff so if we had to hang out together and be forced to just do history then that would definitely cause the romance to fizzle a bit, I think. I also think that I could have a partner who I could help a bit more and would appreciate my knowledge for history more as well. John is great at it because his parents, grandparents and great-grandparents have been teaching him about history for years, but I'm pretty good at it as well which sometimes gets overlooked because of how well that he knows it. I would never say this to his face though, as I am proud that he does so well in it, so I am relieved that Mr Henderson has made this decision that I can reap the benefits from without any conflict between John and I.

The period flies and soon we are at the end of the class. Mr Henderson shakes a box full of paper in his hands.

'Now as soon as you get the name, I want everyone look at it and then make their way over to their partner or call them to you.'

Mr Henderson starts at the back meaning that John and I are going to be the last ones to choose. Me being the very last one. Students pick their names and then scrap their chairs back against the floor as they go to find them. John is intensely keeping an eye on all the smart history students to see if they don't have a partner yet and maybe he could have them. I am keeping an eye out as well, but more just making sure that Gen isn't the only one left standing otherwise I will definitely be completely this report by myself.

I am getting a bit more stressed when there are only three people left to choose and Gen still doesn't have a partner. I have to stop myself from letting out a massive sigh of relief when Pammy, who sits behind me, calls over Gen after her partner moved to the other side. I look back to Mr Henderson to watch John pick his name out. He gets the piece of paper and looks at it than grins.

'Do you mind moving to your partner?' John asks me, before he calls over his person.

'No that's fine.' I say, there are a few free desks on the other side as people are still shuffling.

'Lucky last!" Mr Henderson says cheerfully to me with a big smile.

I reach my hand in and grasp the only remaining piece in the box and hold it down to me. Slowly I open up the name, my heart beating a little faster from nerves. I unfold the piece of paper and read the name on it.

Peter Kavinsky

I whip my head around and see Peter with Gen's empty seat still next to him. I was so focussed on watching Gen that I didn't even notice that Peter was still sitting next to her and didn't have a partner yet. I don't think he has realised that I have his name as he keeps looking around waiting for someone to come over to him. John is busy talking to his partner beside me, so I silently slip out of my seat and walk around the left side to the back of the classroom. Watching as Peter faces the front of the room looking at anyone who passes him, gives me an idea. We had been saying hello to each other in every class we had. Even in history we would at least nod to each other or wave when John and Gen weren't intensely looking. We know that we can be friends, but that doesn't mean that either of us wants to rock the boat. I slide my feet, pushing up against the wall to sneak behind the back table on the right. With a leap and a jump, I grab Peter by the shoulders and scare him.

'Boo!' I whisper loudly into his eye.

'Argh!' I feel his shoulders jump underneath my hands as he whips around in fright. I can't help but immediately burst out laughing at him. It is so fulfilling to see someone who is so put together and sure of himself, be looking incredibly terrified.

'What are you doing?' he scowls at me. Though I can tell he is confused by why I would randomly come over to him and scare him.

I pull out Gen's former chair and plonk down on it. 'Aren't you lucky? You got partnered with me!' I place my hands under my chin and give him a big smile as if presenting myself to him as a gift.

He laughs at me. 'You mean aren't I unlucky? Just to prepare me, are you to completely crush my self-esteem by the end of the semester?' he jokes.

I giggle at him. 'Well I'm aiming for at least a good dent, but it I can crush it then that might be even better than getting an A on this.'

He chuckles before I add. 'But don't worry I intend on two birds, one stoning it and doing both.'

'Good, because I desperately need to improve my grade. I am on the verge of being booted from AP.'

'Really? I thought you liked history.'

'I like the history of sport. Managed to base all of my assignments on that until last semester when he did World War II. But you're good at history so actually I did get really lucky getting you.'

I feel my cheeks turn a little pink at his compliment. 'Well as long as you remember your place, we might even have fun together.'

'What? Us having fun together? And here I thought hell would have to freeze over first.' He jokingly insults me.

I narrow my eyes at him and I am about to retort something back but then Mr Henderson starts talking and Peter condescendingly puts his finger to his lips and points at him, as if directing me to pay attention. I roll my eyes at him and look to the front.

I now register that John is looking at me. He looks furious at me being partnered with Peter. I get a sense of unease as I realise that I have no idea what he has seen between Peter and I. Not that it was bad at all. A part of me is growing slightly infuriated as well at how he is handling this. Peter and I are just friends. He has no idea that without Peter, he and I probably still wouldn't be together or in a better place which we are now in. I shouldn't feel guilty at all about how I am acting with Peter, we are joking around and laughing together, which John should be relieved about instead of me being miserable with another partner. I think that Peter has noticed John as well, because he edges his arm and his chair a little away from mine. I look at Gen who is just on her phone under her desk. She isn't bothered that I am partnered with Peter, probably because of the emotional support that he is now giving her from his notes and being more attentive. It frustrates me that John is acting like this, when before we were just talking about how fine it was. I know that I will just have to talk to him after school and straighten it out between us.

Mr Henderson finishes his spiel about the assignment and how to work as partners, group work, etc. and then the bell rings for the end of the school day. Peter and I both stand to leave but are promptly blocked by the rest of the people in front of us leaving.

'Argh, why do you sit at the back? It takes so long to leave.' I complain to him.

'Sorry I'm not a nerd like you who sits right up the front.' He gives me an unimpressed look.

I gasp at the lack of joke and playfulness in his voice. 'Says the boy who is almost being kicked out of this class.'

'Hey that's confidential.' He looks at me annoyed. I can tell that I have hurt his feelings by throwing that in his face, so now he knows how it feels for him to call me a nerd.

'Don't worry, I'll be doing all of our assignment anyway so you won't need to worry.' I hide a dig in my sentence, when I notice that Peter isn't even paying attention to me and just looking out for Gen ahead of me.

'Sure Covey.' He says not even thinking as if he hasn't even listened to a thing that I had said.

I am hide with a fear that maybe this isn't as good as I thought it was going to be. Sure, Peter and I had now had two encounters where we had been nice and been friends with each other, but how could I forget about almost the two years prior when he was dismissive and cold? I can guess that he is a different person at school, since the times we talked earlier it was just the two of us. We walked home with no one else around and then we were at a swim meet timing together. At school when Gen and his friends are around, he is probably going to just play a popular jock who barely listens to me and just makes fun of me for being smart. I don't even bother to try talk to him anymore. This fear is weighing on me and making me consider asking if I can work with someone else. Whatever friendship Peter and I had, I don't know if it's going to exist at school. I don't like people like that though. The ones who are two-faced and nice to you alone but then mean around others. That's how Gen used to be which is probably how they work so well together. My stomach gets heavy just thinking about us working together now. We manage to go through a few more people. Peter has pushed past so he is right in front of me. To my horror, I see John talking to Mr Henderson at the front of the room with a very stern look on his face.

'Mr Henderson, come on can't you just let Lara Jean and I partner together?' I overhear as I shuffle closer. I can't believe what I am hearing. How dare he just go over my head like this and decide to ask for us to be partners?

'John, I know that you two are some of my top students but that wouldn't be fair to change you two because of your request and ignore everyone elses.' Mr Henderson answer sincerely.

'Ok can you at least change her partner then? Her and Peter Kavinsky don't get along and I think it would be quite explosive to put them together on an assignment.' John pleads.

Now I am weaving my way around the desks to go to Mr Henderson and John. I am so mad and I can feel anger bubbling up inside of me as I hear John trying to make decisions for me and talk on behalf of me.

'Mr Henderson, what's happening?' I butt into the conversation.

'I am just telling him how you don't want to work with Peter and so he needs to sign you another partner.' John answers. Wow, now he is answering on behalf of the teacher as well.

Mr Henderson looks at me. 'Lara Jean, is it that horrible that you are partnered with Peter?' he asks me sincerely.

'I don't think so.' I tell him. I probably would have said of course not just a few minutes ago if Peter hadn't just ignored me.

'Mr Henderson, Lara Jean and I were already planning on partnering together and we were even going to enter our assignment in the Jefferson History Competition.' John argues.

I have to stop my jaw from dropping to the floor as I hear him lying. I know that he is good at Model UN and loves an argument, but lying just to get me out of a partnership that I am fine being in is crossing the line.

'Really? Were you?' Mr Henderson seems to pipe up a little more.

'We might have been, but I understand how it would be unfair to the other students to let me change.' I interrupt what John was about to say. As I say it, I can hear how my words sound like I am manipulating him to let me change instead of being sincere.

'Well…' Mr Henderson starts to say.

Out of the corner of my eye, I se Peter striding over. Apparently when he decided to ignore me when I was right next to him, but now he is paying attention. I had noticed that he waved off Gen who was waiting outside the door when I started speaking to Mr Henderson.

'Hey guys, I couldn't help but overhear how you were thinking of switching me and Covey.' Peter announces.

John's eyes narrow and I see his shoulders tense as Peter calls me by his nickname.

Mr Henderson shifts in his seats. 'Nothing has been decided yet, but I am just considering it given that Lara Jean and John were thinking about entering their assignment into the Jefferson History Competition.'

I watch as John stands a little taller and eyes Peter, giving him a triumphant smile.

'Oh well why don't they just do that anyway but with their other partners. I'm sure John and Matt will do a great assignment and me and Lara Jean are already planning on doing our best work as well. I mean, wouldn't it be better to have two chances and submit two assignments from them, instead of just one?' Peter rationalises.

I have to stop myself from smiling or laughing at the circumstances. John is now enraged by Peter completely disproving his claims particularly as Mr Henderson starts nodding in agreement with him.

'Actually that's a good point. Man, who knew you had such good ideas in that brain of yours, Kavinsky?' Mr Henderson jokes.

'Sometimes I even surprise myself.' He and Mr Henderson laugh together.

'Ok so the pairs will stay as is. Lara Jean doesn't appear to have a massive problem with being with Peter and it'll mean we can have two entries in the competition.' Mr Henderson declares.

'Great! See ya H-Dawg!' Peter leans in and gives Mr Henderson a high five before sauntering out of the classroom.

I have never seen John this angry before. There is definitely something telling me that I should just give him some time to release some of it before letting him take it out on me.

'Thanks for that.' John says sarcastically. I am not sure if he is aiming it at Mr Henderson or me, but he turns on his heel and storms out of the room before he can clarify.

I stay a little longer and then Mr Henderson ends up leaving before I move. 'Bye Mr Henderson.' I wave to him and he waves back as he leaves. Then I force my feet to move under me.

I walk out into the corridor, I just catch a glimpse of John still angrily marching towards his locker before he turns a corner. I take a moment to take a breath and maybe take my time before walking back. I really do not want to confront him or have to get into a fight with him when he is this angry. There are footsteps behind me and I whip my head around.

'Is he gone?' Peter asks, creeping out from behind some lockers.

'What are you doing?' I am harsh with the tone of my voice.

'Woah, what's up with the dragon eyes?' he raises his hands as if to have a truce.

'Do you have bipolar or something?' I accuse him. I am glad that the classroom and corridors are empty.

'What do you mean?' Peter leans back confused.

'You just ignored me and dismissed me at the end of that class, despite us joking around earlier. Like do I need to get used to you being all hot and cold?'

He rolls his eyes at me. 'Man sometimes girls are so sensitive.' He remarks.

'Wow, real mature.' I snap at him then turn around to walk to out lockers.

'Wait, stop! Sorry, Covey, hold up.' He says jogging in front of me.

'What?'

'I wasn't ignoring or dismissing you, I just didn't want to rub it in John's face that we were partnered together.' He explains.

I don't even try to tone down or hide the shocked look on my face. What is up with this guy? So he ignores me not to rub it in John's face, but then he interrupts our conversation with Mr Henderson and basically ensures that us being partnered would happen.

'Then why did you argue for us to be partners after?'

'I was trying to play fair, but then he pulled that move and freaking saying that we don't get along and we would be "explosive" working together, when the only beef that exists is between me and him was too far, so I stepped up. You are ok working with me, right?'

I have to close my mouth now after it dropped open when I was shocked. Now I think I'm witnessing a revelation from Peter as he looks uncertain about my answer for a moment.

'Yeah I am. I just don't get why you did that.' I still wrapping my head around this. It's not like he has drastically tried to be my friend before and insure that the beef was only between him and John. I am confused at what has changed. I have a feeling he wouldn't have done this even last year if it happened. He probably would have jumped for joy at the chance of not being partnered with me.

He sighs. 'Look I told you that I feel bad about the fact that I dragged you into this, by assuming that you knew and you were on his side. You've helped me a lot with Gen and I do like hanging around with you and talking to you, something that I haven't been able to do for a while despite us being really good friends before because I made that assumption. You can call me out on it and tell me it's wrong, but I personally don't think it's fair to put you between me and John when you have no idea about what happened between us. It's punishing you for something that you haven't even been included in or made a judgement on.'

I have to let out a deep breath at this. I hadn't even considered this until now. I was angry before but I was still concerned about John. Now I can see how fair it is for me to be angry. Peter is absolutely right in that it isn't fair that he doesn't tell me what happened between them but then he expects me to also hate Peter with him and avoid him as much as possible. That's probably why I was so mad at him speaking on behalf of me, because he just expects that as his girlfriend, he can made the decision for me about people without even telling me what is wrong with them.

I nod. 'Thanks for that. I didn't realise that was bothering me until you just put it into words. No, I think that was the right thing to do and I appreciate you for understanding where I stand given that I know nothing about it. Just so you know, I'm also not going to take a position on it until I get the truth from him and from you.'

He gives me a smile and nods. 'Of course you would be looking for corroborating evidence and doing a whole investigation.'

'Well when I know that his opinion is going to be biased. I'll probably have to.'

'Do you think it is safe to go back now?'

'Because of John?'

'Yeah, I mean not that I couldn't take him, but I didn't want to be the one to beat him in a physical fight and a debate within 5 minutes of each other.'

I don't say anything because Peter is definitely stronger than John because of his lacrosse, though the way that John looked, I'm sure he would have had a lot of anger to release on him.

'Do you hate him?' I ask curiously. I'm just trying to understand this situation better because John loathes Peter and everything about him; however Peter doesn't seem to have that same attitude and the same feelings towards him.

'No, I mean I get it. I am not saying that what I did or what I said was wrong, but I can see how he would interpret it to hate me.' He is vague with his answer, not giving any details.

'I guess there really is a thin line between love and hate.' Peter looks at me strangely, so I explain quickly. 'I mean when you look at some of the biggest friendship break ups, they usually come from two people who used to be best friends and like the bestest of friends, then because of something they can immediately start to hate each other instantly. I sometimes think that the people who are the biggest enemies, they used to be the closest of friends.'

'Yeah like in the X-Men movies.'

'What are X-Men?'

'You haven't seen the X-Men movies.'

'Hey you haven't seen Sixteen Candles.' I had found this at during the swim meet and spent the better part of an hour being in disbelief.

'That's because I actually have a life.'

I just ignore his comment. 'I think John should be done at his locker by now so we can go back.'

'Are you going to talk to him?' Peter asks as we start walking.

'Yeah I think I have to.'

'What are you going to say?'

'I don't know yet. I think he just need some time to cool off and then we might get a chance to talk. I don't want him to just be irrationally fighting with me instead of listening, you know?' I peer up at him.

'Oh don't I know that. Sometimes I have to just let Gen throw things at me for a while before we can actually have a discussion.'

I chuckle at him. 'Does she throw things at you?'

He raises his eyebrows and smiles. 'Yeah, in between yelling at me of course, but like you say once they cool off, usually it's fine and we can just talk about it.'

I nod in agreement. 'I don't think I've ever thrown anything at John, I just rely on the silent treatment.'

Peter grimaces. 'Oh see that's worse for me than the throwing things. I can deal with it when someone reacts and takes out their anger on me, but when they go quiet and I can't tell what they are feeling, that's when the torture starts.'

'Really?'

'Yeah. Even though the throwing and yelling sounds bad, it's usually not too horrible and I can put up a fight, but as soon as I am being ignored, that's the drop everything and be there kind of shit.'

'That's so weird, I'm exactly the opposite. Like if I am angry enough to be wanting to throw things and raise my voice and yell at someone then, that's the red alert. Ignoring is just my way of cooling down and not accidentally saying things that I don't mean, but I mean that's the difference between Gen being so outgoing and e being more introverted.'

Peter looks over at my thoughtfully. 'Yes and no, I would say you value other people's feelings a bit more and you're scared of hurting them so you just put it on yourself to get over, whereas Gen doesn't really care about that stuff, she would rather someone know then for them not to.'

'Hmmmmm..' I hum in response, thinking about what he said. It sounds pretty right to me what he just said. 'How did you get so in touch with your emotions?' I try to lighten the conversation.

He laughs lightly at that. 'Hey it's not a bad thing.'

'I never said it was. If anything it's the complete opposite.'

He tucks his hands into his pockets. 'I don't know it's probably a product of being raised by a single mum I think.'

It probably is. I think back to all the things that my mum has taught me and can't deny that my main knowledge of emotions and feelings has come from her. Having that for such a long time, for Peter it was when he was 6, he would have learnt a lot more and it explains how he is like this.

We get to our lockers and both pack up our bags. We're relieved that John has already left.

'Are you good to get home?' Peter ask me.

I glance around trying to see where Margot is. 'Ummm, I'm not sure.'

I look down at my phone and text Margot asking her where she is, I also text Josh to see if he is still at school. It's not that much later after school has finished, but it is a Friday afternoon so there aren't as many school buses running since a lot of kids are going to the football game tonight. There would be another one, but I would probably have to wait about half an hour for it.

' _Sorry LJ, I didn't see you come out for a while so I'm driving a bunch of friends and me to the game.'_ Margot texts me.

I let out an exasperated sigh as I reply letting her know that it's ok.

'What's up?' Peter asks.

'Margot left and went to the football game.' I inform him.

'I was going to go to that, but none of the guys wanted to come with me cause the school we are playing against is gonna thrash us anyway and there was no way Gen would ever agree to come.' He rambles on.

I don't really respond to what he said. I just grumble about having to wait for the next bus.

'Nah, I'll give you a lift home.' Peter offers.

'Really?'

'Yeah, it's the least I can do after all the drama I have caused.'

'Drama that is well-reasoned.'

'Well there's that.'

'You might need to check if John is outside my house first otherwise he might wreck your car.'

'Roger that.' Peter responds. He starts walking off and I trail behind him, praying that John isn't going to catch a glimpse of us in the same car together. It's funny because both of them have helped each other with their relationships. I know for a fact that Peter and Gen are doing so much better, so it doesn't even matter and I wish John could just see that.

He stands in front of a black Audi two-seater. My eyes grow wide at the sight.

'What? You have an Audi?' I had no knowledge of this.

'Yeah. You didn't know?' he looks puzzled as he jumps in.

Peter always arrives just in time for class whereas I'm usually here early so I probably missed his entrance when he first got this car, since I would have been getting ready for class or in the cafeteria.

'How long have you had it?' I ask doing the buckle up on my seatbelt.

'Got it when I got my license. My mum heard word of it being sold at an estate and put a bid down for it, before anyone else could. The seller wanted it gone so bad that he accepted. Got it for almost a seventh of the original price.' Peter boasts, as he starts the ignition and puts it hand on the gear shift.

Classic, that Peter Kavinsky manages to get a sleek black Audi that perfectly matches his whole style with just his own luck. It's almost too perfect.

'Well if another one comes up, let me know, will ya?' I tease.

'Do you even have your license?'

'I'm working on it.'

'I haven't even seen you drive to school or around before.' He digs a little deeper.

I am not going to tell him that I have been too scared to drive more than 3 times in the last two months so I just shrug and say, 'It would have to be a massive coincidence for me to drive past you.'

'I guess.' He concedes. I am glad that he isn't going to push any further and have me reveal the truth.

We arrive at my house quite quickly and to our relief, John is nowhere to be seen.

'So you're really ok with us being partners?' Peter asks me again, searching my face for a hint that I don't.

What is up with this buy and getting reassurance? Like he really needs it, doesn't he? It's funny that I never really thought that Peter ever cared about these things, but I think I was wrong, he really cares.

'Yes, Peter. I'm actually looking forward to it.' I admit to him. He flashes his beautiful smile at me.

'Good, cause I didn't put this puppy,' he gestures to his face. 'under threat of being punched if you were going to pull out anyway.'

'I mean a punch might have been an improvement.' I tease him.

'I think we've reached the point where every second sentence you say to me is almost an insult. No one else ever insults me as much as you do.'

I open the door and get up before lowering my head down again. 'Wouldn't what your head getting too big, it's already starting to look slightly disproportionate to your body.'

'What? Really?' Peter looks straight into the rearview mirror to check.

'Kidding! See ya, Kavinsky!' I shut the door before he can say anything. I knew that comment would get to him, he is so vain.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John and I are still planning on doing our double date with Margot and Josh on the Saturday night so I am hoping that he will have cooled down by then. I think it will be good having the double date first as well because he will be forced to be in a good mood around the other couple and then we can talk after that when Margot and Josh usually go to Josh's house and we stay at mine. Kitty is at her sleepover and Daddy is expecting to be late, so it works out perfectly for us to talk.

John pulls out the front of our house and I go running down to meet him. I throw my arms around him in a hug and squeeze him tight. I immediately can tell that he is still mad at me because he only rests his hands on my back instead of wrapping his arms around me. He also doesn't give me much more of a glance before he looks up and greets Margot and Josh. I had already pre-emptively told the others that John and I had a bit of a situation on Friday at school. I had emphasised that it was no one's fault and we were just about to talk about it later, but do not bring it up in conversation. They understood very clearly.

We're going to take Josh's car like usual to the diner for our double date. It's the usual place that we go. John and Josh are in deep conversation, so they take the front seats to keep talking while Josh is driving and Margot and I fit into the back. I see Margot pull out her phone and give her a puzzling look which she ignores. Then I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and read the text.

 _Margot: John is acting really weird._

: _He seems really annoyed at you_

I sigh and meet her eyes. I roll my eyes at her. As much as John can try to guilt trip me and act all childish in front of Margot and Josh by being annoyed at me, it isn't going to convince me that I am in the wrong here. John stepped out of line in a lot of ways on Friday which I am not just going to roll over and let him blame me for.

The double date passes agonisingly slowly. More than anything I just want to be able to leave and finally talk to John instead of playing this game of cat and mouse. Every time I try to start a light-hearted conversation with him or talk to him about something, he either shrugs it off, given a one worded answer or deflects it as a question onto Margot or Josh. He hasn't directed a single question at me. It is ridiculous that he is putting up such a fight against me. I understand that he is probably feeling quite humiliated at what happened in front of Mr Henderson with Peter but I just cannot see why he is taking it all out on me. I make note to add to the list of things to talk about how immature he acts when he is annoyed at me. I think about the future, if in a few years time we had to go to a big event or something with my family, would he be acting like this or could he put his emotions aside for one moment to have a good time.

Josh drives us home. He and Margot are holding hands in the front seat, while John and I are sitting quite far away from each other in our seats. We all say goodbye, well at least to Josh and John since Margot will be coming back to our place in another hour or two and then we make our way up the stairs to my house.

'Do you want anything to drink? Tea or water, I think there might be some ice tea still left as well.' I ask John, as he takes a sit on the couch.

'No.' There it is. Those wretched one worded answers that have been infuriating me all night.

'Fine, let's just get straight to it then, why are you so angry at me?' I sit down across from him, leaning forward. Despite my usual hatred of confrontation, when I am so convinced that I am in the right for this and I'm so mad at him, I don't mind it as much.

'You really have to ask me that.' He glares at me.

'Yes I do, because I have done nothing wrong.' I defend myself.

He scoffs. 'You really think that?'

'Yes, so tell me why you don't.'

'Why did you say that you were fine working with Peter? I had Mr Henderson all ready to switch you and then you just bailed on me.'

'Woah, hold up. Let me answer that question with a question, why did you go up to Mr Henderson and ask for me to change partners on my behalf? Without even talking to me first!' I raise my voice slightly.

'Because I wanted to help you and do you a favour.'

'Do me a favour? How was that doing me a favour?'

'Because you didn't want to work with Kavinsky.'

'When did I ever say that?'

His mouth closes for a moment. 'You didn't, but I know how much you hate him so I tried to protect you.'

I can feel the anger just bubbling up inside of me. 'I don't hate him. You are the one who hates him and you just expect me to feel the same without giving me any reason to.'

'Is the fact that I hate him not enough for you?'

'No it's not.' I snap at him.

He looks to the side. I can tell he is getting as angry as I am. 'So what would you do if I started hanging out with Gen again? I mean I only don't like her because you told me to.'

Now I'm huffing at him. 'I never told you that and it's not that I don't like Gen, I just don't want to be around her, but if you want to then go for it. I would never EVER go up to a teacher and ask to change you if you were partnered with her.'

'Why can't you just believe me when I say that Peter is a bad guy? Why can't you just trust and support me?'

'Because Peter is my friend.' Or at least I think he is now, but I'm not revealing that part to John. 'So unless you can give me a good reason why and tell me what happened between you two, then I am not going to just cut off one of my friends like that.'

'So is he being your friend more important than me being your boyfriend?'

Why do boys always make such massive assumptions and turn everything into a way to make themselves the victim? 'No, but his actions as my friend, speak more loudly than the vague words that you have told me about him.'

'Since when are you two friends anyway? You barely talk to each other.'

I have to go silent. I can't reveal the exact details to John so now it's my turn to be vague. 'We do talk. We see each other at parties and we timekeep at Kitty's swimming meets. The only reason we weren't talking before was because he thought I was on your side but I told him I don't know anything so I can't be.'

'SO you're not my side?' he face falls.

This makes my rage just grow in the pit of my stomach. I can almost feel my heart beating. 'I can't be on anyone's side, if I have no clue what happened, John.'

'You should just be on my side anyway. That's what is supposed to happen in a relationship.'

'No, what is supposed to happen in a relationship is that you tell each other things even when they are secret and you haven't told anyone else. I don't understand why you can't give me the full story.'

'Lara Jean, it's not something I want to ever share with you.'

'Well then I am going to continue being friends with Peter.'

'So you are willing to rub it in my face at every history lesson that the one person, who used to be my former best friend, that I hate is partnered with my girlfriend who doesn't care how I feel towards him and even goes so far as to consider him a friend.'

'Why are you twisting everything like I have it out for you? Fun fact: I don't!' I am raising my voice louder than I have ever used with him. 'I am willing to work with the partner that I was _randomly_ assigned in history who happens to be my friend because I don't know any other reason to judge him otherwise.'

His face is all scrunched up in frustration as he looks around the room. 'I think I'm going to go home.' He announces, then he grabs his bag and walks straight out the front door.

I still feel so jittery about the words that we have just exchanged and I have so much more that I wanted to say to him and confront him about, but now he has just walked out. I know deep down it's probably for the best because I would have ended up saying things that I didn't mean, but it is still frustrating. I quickly reach out, grabbing one of the couch pillows and holding it to my face screaming into it at the top of my lungs. It makes me feel better for a moment. I just can't seem to think much anymore and I need this day to be over. I hear keys rattling at the door and think it might be Margot, I quickly run up to my room. I really just need to be alone with my thoughts at the moment.

I lie in bed thinking about what has just happened. What is going on? I used to just take John's word for what he had said about Peter. I believed that because Peter no longer wanted to talk to me and because he was so pre-occupied with Gen that it meant that he was the awful person who John described him to be. It wasn't hard to accept when John said that he had changed a lot and no longer cared about anyone who he used to be friends with. Even when I saw him cheering on Owen or helping out in his mum's store it was just something that I reminded myself. Now though after the way he was so nice to me when giving me advice about John and during the swimming carnival, it's just hard for me to picture him in that bad light again and I've realised that it isn't fair for me to do that when I have no reason to. I know that this is the right thing to do, it's why I have been able to stand up for myself and raise my voice at John without feeling guilty about it.

It's just his stubbornness that is driving me insane. It is a quality that sometimes is synonymous with his determination and persistence but right now it is something that is standing in the way of him seeing my side to all this and understanding how I feel. It's something that is lately getting on my nerves.

A knock at my window interrupts my angry thoughts about John. I know immediately that it is Chris. She is the only person who ever comes knocking to my window. I always wondered and maybe wished that John might try sneak up one night. I know he absolutely wouldn't be able to stay the night or anything, but it was just the thrill of it all that was so enticing. I run over and let Chris inside.

'Hey LJ!' Chris stumbles into my room. I gently lead her to my bed and lay her down. Clearly she has just come back from a party where she has had quite a bit to drink.

'Where have you been Chris?' I ask her.

'Oh just a party. Super cool, you should have been there.' She slurs.

'I wish I was.' I say that honestly before it would have been great to be there instead of dealing with John.

'What happened? Why is my LJ pouting?' she reaches up to me and grabs my mouth squeezing it in her hands.

I pry her hands away from my mouth. 'John and I are fighting.' I admit to her.

'Ewwww, couple problems.' Chris pretends to gag. 'I actually don't know I like you being with that guy anymore.'

'What I thought you liked John.'

'I mean I did, but I don't know. I feel like you are a bird who wants to spread your wings.' She spread her arms out wide and starts flapping them. 'But with John you only are like this.' She tucks her elbows under her arms and just waves her hands up and down.

'I am really not following.' I laugh as I say it. I am already grateful for having Chris here.

Chris grabs me by the hand and pulls me close. 'Don't get me wrong I thought he was a great friend to all of us when we were kids, but now you guys still seem to be friends instead of relationship. She pasuse lying back and fluttering her hands in the air. 'Like LJ, you and him aren't even boning yet.' She starts doing inappropriate gestures with her fingers. 'You have barely gotten to second base after two years. TWO YEARS!' she shrieks.

'I know.' I sigh.

'Like I have even gotten further than that and that's not with a boyfriend I love. I am almost positive that Josh and Margot have done the same. Like you just need to get a dick into you.'

'Thanks for the advice, Chris.'

'I have a theory about friends. I think once you transition from friend to boyfriend it can be good and all new and exciting, particularly if they have been crushing on you for a long time, but with you and John, I feel like the friendship is still there. You don't suddenly become their number one priority or their girl once you've been friends for so long, you just become a friend that they now kiss. You need a better friend than that.'

'Right…'

'Or maybe just a new relationship! I mean if I'm learning anything from my cousin, it's that good dick isn't enough.'

I feel my ears spike up a little. I don't like hearing things from Chris about not liking John and putting more of those break up ideas into my head, but I am curious about Gen and Peter.

'What do you mean?' I ask without trying to seem too eager.

'You know how her and Peter are like rabbits, right?'

I nod in response.

'And Peter is freaking hung like a horse?'

'What? How do you know that?'

'Oh some party this year he got wasted and started doing a strip tease. I caught the sight of his greatness and wasn't it gorgeous. I'm just upset that Gen managed to get that.'

I start to shudder feeling very weird about the turn the conversation has taken. 'Ok, so what's your point?'

'Well they are on the rocks, big time!' Chris reveals.

'What do you mean?'

'I think that they are both just going in very different directions. All I know is that Gen is very unhappy. She is being more bitchy than normal and just all around rough on the edges. I don't know how Peter is putting up with her. She even told me how she was testing him to make him write her notes. I have no idea why but she just wanted to see if she could still boss him around.'

My heart falls a bit. Peter had thought that she was really appreciative of those notes and that he was making it better and helping their relationship. It was all just Gen manipulating him.

'Why would she do that?'

'Just trying to claim what's hers probably. Something I think Peter is getting a bit feed up with but we all know he would never have the balls to break it off with her.'

'How do you know all of this?' I clarify just to make sure she isn't repeating gossip or talking a theory or something while she is intoxicated.

'I caught her throwing out the notes. She wasn't even reading them, Peter handed her one and she put it straight in the bin. I saw her do it almost 5 times then I confronted her and she boasted about controlling him.'

'Why does Peter stay with her?'

'You heard what I said, right? They have sex like rabbits on heat. I'm sure he probably can't being himself to give that up. You'll learn LJ, boys think with their dicks first and brains second.'

'I don't know what John is using to think then.' I joke with Chris.

'Me neither.' Chris starts to float to sleep more. 'I just feel like I need to tell you that I don't think John is your guy…'

'Ok Chris.'

'You need someone who wants to kiss you all the time and not stop. Someone who can barely control their hands on you.'

'Sure…' I am just saying replies so that Chris will eventually float off to sleep. She is already closing her eyes.

'You also need to be the smart one in the relationship, so that you don't need to argue as much and they always know that you are right.'

'If you say so.' My voice is sing-songy as I try not to pay attention to her words.

'Just someone who always makes you feel good.' She peers up at me, even in her drunk state, I can tell the words she are about to say are sincere. 'You've been through so much LJ and you have the strongest right out of everyone to be annoyed and upset with the world, but you still continue to see the good in it. You need someone who sees the world the same way and helps you do that.'

She then closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep. As much as I tried to suppress her words, they ring in my ears. I lay back down. I am no longer thinking about John and how angry I am at him. Instead I am picturing someone who I might end up settling down with. I am floating in my imagination remembering the Prince Charming who I always dreamed of. The one who I read so much about in the romantic novels still hoarded on my shelves. I let myself see him in my mind, the way that he will act and be the one who I won't ever second guess. In reality I know that the dream of meeting someone like that is so far away but it gets me through the tomorrow, just thinking about when I'll meet them in the future.

 _A/n: Hey guys so here is the chapter, a few hours later but still here! I hope you all like the angst and spicyness of it all! I am not trying to make John look bad by any means, but trying to show how I think their relationship would have ended up being like. Let me know what you think!_

 _We didn't get many reviews on the last few chapters, are you guys enjoying the story? I like hearing back from everyone, but when there isn't as much feedback it seems like people aren't liking it as much, so please just let me know what is liked and disliked cause I am really enjoying writing it! I appreciate any feedback or comments!_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

My alarm goes off and I immediately cringe. It is now Monday morning, after my eventful weekend, I now have to go back to school. After sending Chris away with some pancakes to help with her hangover, I had a great day on Sunday. My stomach was full of pancakes and I spent almost the whole day researching and scheduling out how the history project is going to be done. Even though I am partnered with Peter who says he is going to help, I am still holding true to my own belief that I need to be the main one pushing the boat also. So I have put together a schedule that I am at least going to stick to to insure that I am not going having a usual cram session the day before the assignment. I am not looking forward to seeing John at all. We haven't talked since Saturday and I do not want to talk to him until he realises how immature he is being and apologises.

I arrive at school with Josh and Margot. Margot came into my room on Sunday to see if I wanted to talk about what was happening with John but I very quickly shut her down not wanting to create any more drama or need to hear more about it. I walk into school and see John from afar. He eventually walks over to me and keeps his voice low as he talks to me.

'Do you have anything to say to me after Saturday?' he asks me. He still is sitting on his high horse.

'Not unless you do first.' I retort.

He shakes his head. 'Lara Jean, come on, I don't want to do this. Can we just put it aside until we can talk again in private?'

'Fine.' I sigh, but I don't let him hold my hand as we walk to history.

We get into the classroom and Peter isn't there yet, but Matt, John's partner, is there, so they sit down and start talking about their assignment.

I go to the desks that Peter and I have, sitting by myself. I try not to huff about the fact that John could have at least helped keep me entertained as my partner wasn't here, but I was too proud to say anything or hang around with them. I get out my book, running through the assignment topic that I am really interested in and that I think will do well. It's a really hard one actually, I am hoping that we can do the Chinese dynasties, as I know Mr Henderson really likes that and keeps commenting on how he wishes it was better studied in the curriculum. I think it will be a great way to get one of the top marks; however, it's a topic that I know nothing about and Peter probably doesn't either so it will need a lot of work.

Peter comes in with Gen under his arm right before the bell. They are the epitome of the King and Queen of the School, glancing around without a care for anyone else or their opinions. They force people to move out of the way for them so that they don't possibly have to consider not touching each other for a moment. Before Gen goes to sit down next to Pammy, Peter even gives her a kiss. Like frankly how is that even needed, they are going to be a couple of feet away from each other and that's it.

I roll my eyes as Peter slides in the seat next to me. 'Sup Covey?' he is all confident and smooth.

'Not a lot.' I answer.

'Well I'm doing great, thanks for asking!'

'You're welcome.' I am using his own insufferable technique against him.

'You're not very chirpy this morning.' He observes, he leans right over putting his head on the desk so that he can look up at me.

'Maybe I'm not.' I am really not feeling up to entertaining him today. My morning has been hard enough having that weird talk with John and having Margot trying to get information out of me as well. It was a struggle to get out of bed and to school, so I'm just impatient for when the day will finally be over.

'Alright.' He shrugs sitting up.

I know that he will be begging for attention in another few minutes like the 5 year old that he acts like. So I start talking about our project first.

'Ok so here is what I am going to be doing for our assignment.' I hand him the sheet that I outlined the assignment with.

'The Qing Dynasty and the Fall of the Chinese Government, what is that all about?'

'It's really interesting and it only fell in 1912, so it's one of the most modern topics that we have.'

He grumbles. 'Why can't we do the fall of the British Government in America?'

I flick his head. 'Because that is what everyone is going to be doing so ours won't stand out if we are just giving Mr Henderson the same thing.'

He sighs. 'But this just seems like a lot of work.'

I turn to him. 'Peter, I am expecting that I am probably going to be doing all the work on this assignment and that's totally fine with me, so just say yes and tell Mr Henderson to make this easy for us.'

'You won't have to do the entire assignment.' Peter huffs.

'No it's actually fine. It's what I end up doing in most group projects anyway, so I would rather admit it and prepare for it, instead of pretending that someone else is going to do something and getting screwed over at the end.'

'What makes you think that's going to happen?'

'When doesn't that happen? Ok I am going to tell Mr Henderson our topic, ok?' he nods and so I stand up to submit our topic.

Mr Henderson gives me an excited smile as soon as I tell him. 'Great choice Lara Jean. The Qing dynasty is incredibly interesting and no one else has chosen that yet! I'll really look forward to reading what you and Peter do for me.'

I smile back and almost skip back to our table, feeling extra happy and reassured about our choice for a moment. Then I see John glaring back at Peter and my mood fails again.

I sit back down. 'Mr Henderson loves it! So it's a go.'

'Ok.' Peter is now the one being quiet.

'Wow for someone who was so chirpy a minute ago, you've really done a backflip.'

He nods looking down at his hands. I just wait for him to say more and don't want to put words into his mouth or anything. Eventually he lets out a sigh and starts to speak. 'Covey, I am going to be helping and doing work for this assignment. Like I know you are used to doing it yourself and everything, but like we're a team and it's not fair to put all of that work on you.'

'Peter, it's fine and I don't mind doing it especially since I chose our topic.'

'Nah, I'm gonna prove it to you.' He is now filled with much gusto.

'Prove what?'

'That I can be a great group partner. We're both going to ace this assignment.'

I nod at him. 'Well if you say so, you better not change your mindset in a few weeks though.'

He shakes his head. 'I won't. I figure now might be a good time to have someone teach me how to stay on top of an assignment and do it well and who better than one of the top students like you!' he remarks. His happy, sunny attitude is back.

'I'm not one of the top students' I resist his compliment.

'Yeah you are. You are the smartest person I know who isn't like weird or anything.'

'So you're saying I'm not a nerd.'

He shrugs. 'I don't know if I would go that far.'

I shove him which he pretends to wince at. 'Ok let's go over this schedule. I take out my piece of paper with everything we have to do.'

'Oh wow you really have put a lot of effort into this.'

'I want to do well Peter and this is how we will.'

He nods and looks at the piece of paper. His eyes grow wide as he reads it. 'Is this what you want us to do this week? Lara Jean, that's so much!'

'Well then we better start now.'

'I don't think now will be enough.'

'Look I'll just go to library after school a few afternoons and do more research then.'

'Ok what afternoon?'

'Huh?'

'You have to tell me what afternoon so I can see if I am free.'

'Um maybe Tuesday and Wednesday?'

He looks down at his phone and checks something. 'Yeah that sound work. I have lacrosse on Thursday and then I don't study on Friday so that's great.'

'Cool, we'll do more then.'

The rest of the period goes well. Peter can take instructs expertly and responds incredibly well to positive reinforcement. We manage to do a little bit of the research that we needed to get done, but we have a lot more to do as well. We need to do enough to get our thesis and the content of our report all figured out.

'So I'll see you at the library tomorrow afternoon?' Peter asks as we stand up to leave.

'Yeah.' I confirm.

He walks over to where Gen is sitting and pulls her up from her seat. They kiss again, before he swings his arm over her. I have to stop myself from glaring at them. Do they separation anxiety or something? Like honestly it's barely been that long since they have been next to each other. I have to shrug to myself and just accept that they are in their own relationship and I am in mine, so I shouldn't judge or be critical of them.

John waits for me at the door, still talking to Matt. When we go to our next class, he and Matt are still talking to each other while I trail behind them like a third wheel. I am so relieved when Chris walks over and decides to talk to me. She keeps giving pointed looks at John as if reminding me of some of the things she said the other night. I am not sure how much she remembers but when I gave her a quick summary she told me that it's all true.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'Do you want to get the bus home to yours?' John asks me, as we are walking out of the school on Tuesday afternoon.

'No, I'm actually going to stay and study in the library.' I inform him.

'Oh I might study with you then.' He turns on his heel to walk towards the library.

I have to take a deep breath before I need to hint at why I am going to library. 'I'm going to be researching for the history assignment.'

'Really? I've already most of mine for it. Matt is pretty on top of things.' I suppress the urge to groan at him as he immediately makes this about him.

'Yeah well we and my partner are going to be researching this afternoon.' I reveal to him.

He stops in his tracks as he finally understands what I am saying. 'So Peter is going to be there?'

'Yeah, at least he said he was.' At this point, I don't know if he is still keen and committed enough to this assignment to want to show up.

'I'm surprised Kavinsky actually wants to put effort to something other than his sex life or his lacrosse.' John's voice is thick with loathing and abhorrence.

'I offered to do the entire project myself, but he didn't accept.'

'Well that was a wasted opportunity.' John says under his breath.

I can feel the anger bubble building in my stomach again. 'I'm going to go to the library.'

'Lara Jean.' John calls for me as I turn on my heel but I don't want to deal with him anymore.

Is this what Chris was talking about? How John just deflects the conversation onto him because we were friends before? I have to admit I didn't really see a massive change in him when he did start dating. It just seemed like we were now friends who had a label of dating on them. There wasn't the massive romantic gestures, or the sudden excitement of being a couple, but just a gradual transition. I thought that was normal but maybe it isn't. Maybe I do need someone or at least know what it feels like for someone to react to exactly what I am saying and work to make things easier for me, instead of putting it on themselves and giving their opinion of it.

I walk into the library. I am not surprised that Peter isn't here yet. I make myself comfortable at one of the computers, feeling very content with just starting and doing the research by myself. It is almost 15 minutes after school when I see Peter swagger in, with his backpack over his shoulder. He takes him time walking over to me and I am still deep in my research, finally he sit down next to me.

'Ok Covey what do you need me to do?' Peter asks, swinging his legs around.

'Finish up the research that you were doing in class.' I instruct him.

He whines. 'But that was so boring.'

'Which is why you need to keep going until it isn't boring anymore.'

He huffs and then turns to the computer. We manage to get a few things done and scratch the surface of our study load, though Peter keeps saying hi to people around him. He also keeps checking his phone all the time. We have managed to get the start of it done, but we still haven't got enough interesting content to decide on our thesis.

I am still researching, when I notice that Peter has been on his phone for about 15 minutes. 'If you are just going to stay on your phone, you might as well leave.' I aim a dig at him, as it's annoying having him right there not doing anything while I have to research.

'How do you keep your brain going for so long?' he is still scrolling on his phone.

'How does your brain get so distracted so quickly?' I retort back.

He sighs. 'Fine, I'm going to go. Do you need a lift home?'

'Nah I'll just get Margot to pick me up.'

'Suit yourself.' He swings his back over his shoulder.

'See ya Covey.'

I don't reply and just let him walk off. I do an extra hour of research before Margot comes over from Belleview and picks me up. She is still giving me the look from this morning, curious about John. I just ignore it though still not wanting to talk about it.

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The next day at school is so awful that I almost cancel on Peter. John starts questioning all about what happened while we were studying in the library and then starts accusing me of things when I tell him that I don't want to answer. It's funny that he was one who was going on about talking about it later, but is now willing to create a scene in the middle of the corridor. He then ignores me for the rest of the day. I would have taken it more to heart if Chris hadn't been right beside me, telling me how annoying John was and how badly he was treating me. Peter says hi to me, but all I manage is a small nod of acknowledgement back. I spend a while at my locker considering cancelling researching with Peter in favour of talking it out with John, but then I remember back to how he was boasting about being finished with his history research and I wasn't, so I swallow my feelings and go to the library.

'Hey Covey.' Peter walks in late again.

'Hi Peter.' I say emotionlessly.

'What's up with the long face?' he jokes.

'Just not in the mood.' I warn him.

He smiles. 'Does that mean I get to keep my ego today? Yay!'

I just roll my eyes at him and go back to the computer.

'Damn someone is grouchy! Ok what are we doing?'

I press the print button and walk over to the printer to grab the sheet of paper as it comes out. Peter is still sitting there confused when I come back.

'We have to find and go through all of these books.' I place the list of books and their references in front of him.

He whines. 'Ugh, but that takes so long. Can't we just google it?'

'Nope.' I take off in search for the Ancient History section.

It's not long until I sense Peter beside me, holding the list in his hands. He keeps looking around and getting in my way, so eventually I just wave him off and make him hold all the books that I give to him.

'This is just like when Gen makes me hold her shopping bags whenever we go to the mall.' He grumbles.

'That's probably why you are so good at it.' I throw a compliment his way which of course makes him smile and thankfully also makes him go quiet.

Once he is holding about five books, he asks, 'Isn't this enough?'

'You're right, you probably can't take the pile being much heavier than that.'

He immediately stands up a little straighter. 'Yes I can, load me up!'

I have to turn quickly so that he doesn't see me smile when he falls right into my trap. I get the remaining books on the list and give them to him.

'Ok that's all the ones we need, you can carry them back now.'

'Hey, you just doubted my strength so you wouldn't have to carry any.' He points out.

I do a fake gasp. 'Did I? Opps.' I skip ahead of him back to our table as he struggles behind me.

When he does reach the table, his eyes are still narrow indicating that he is unhappy with me.

'Ok what are we doing with them now?'

'Reading them. You can read right?'

He gives me a fake smile. 'Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Of course I can read.'

'I don't know, I mean a jock like you..'

'Covey, I can read!'

He picks up one of the books and opens the contents page. 'See, that's how I know there is a whole section of the Qing dynasty in this one.'

'Great! Get out your pen and paper and start taking notes on it.' I give him a fake smile back.

His face falls, but before he has a chance to respond I make sure to say, 'You really don't know how to study and do an assignment well, do you?'

'Nah I do.'

'Really what's the highest mark you've gotten?'

He grouches about something under his breath.

'Sorry, I didn't get that.'

'Argh, why it is so hard to do a good assignment?' he finally concedes.

'If it wasn't hard, then everyone would get As.'

He rolls his eyes, though I can tell that this hasn't ever really crossed his mind before. 'I guess it's like lacrosse, if everyone conditioned like me, then everyone would be good at it.'

'Exactly. Now come on team, we have to start.'

Surprisingly, Peter works incredibly well this afternoon. He takes quite thorough notes on all the books that he reads. Deep down I know it's probably because he isn't exactly sure what precisely it is that he needs to take notes on, but I am quite happy with what he gets. We work all the way until the librarian comes around and tells us that the library is closing. We manage to get notes from all the books and finally seems to have made a considerable dent in our research.

I pull out my phone to text Margot or Daddy to drop me home, but then Peter leans over and says, 'don't bother, I'll drop you home.'

'Thanks.' I say to him with a smile, but he doesn't notice as he is packing up his bag.

As we are walking over to the parking lot he says, 'So do we need to go through those books every time we have to research?'

I look over at him. He already looks weary from studying more than he probably ever had before this afternoon. 'No, you see now we just need to compile all the basic research that we got from this week and narrow it down into a thesis, and then we will use the internet to search the narrower topic that we have.'

'Wait, how come we only use the books once?'

I have to laugh at him. 'I mean if you want, you can use them again, but from the notes we already have, we can just use that to pull out the information we need instead of going through the books all over again.'

'Ahhhh!' he proclaims, nodding his head understandingly.

'So when do we figure out our narrower topic?' he asks, opening the driver's door of his car.

I get into his car and shut the door behind me. 'Well we were supposed to do it today, but I'll just go through everything we have tomorrow and maybe Friday and decide for us, if that's ok with you.'

He puts the keys into the ignition and gives me a side glance. 'That's a lot of research to go through and it's a bit unfair making you do homework on a Friday.'

I shrug. 'It's not too bad, I'd probably just be baking at home anyway.'

'No, I would feel bad.'

'Well I don't see any other time that we can figure it out.' He had said that he has lacrosse tomorrow afternoon and then the library isn't open on Friday afternoons.

'You could come to mine after practice tomorrow?' he suggests.

'Are you sure? I really don't mind doing it.'

He shakes his head. 'No, no, I am learning a lot from you and I think I can probably be of better held if I somewhat contribute to what we'll be writing the assignment on.'

'That is true. Though you respond quite well to commands.'

'I don't know whether that's a dig or a compliment.' He looks at me, confused.

'I mean you're like a golden retriever. You just need to be fed, given water to and let run around before you're able to just do as you're told.'

Now he is frowning. 'That's mean.'

'Am I wrong though?'

He is now pouting at me, seeing the humour and the slight truth to my words. 'Fine, but you better not tell Gen that.'

I remember a bit of what Chris told me and think that Gen already knows this fact, though instead of using it to help both her and him, she uses it for her own disadvantage. I have to sneak a glance at Peter. He really is quite a handsome boy who I could picture waiting for me after a war or asking for a dance in the middle of a 60s party. If there is anything I have learnt about him recently, it's that he really does have the same pure heart that he had when we were kids long ago. He still does what he thinks is right and what he thinks is best for everyone. It saddens me so much, to think that someone like Gen is hurting him, because he doesn't deserve that one single bit.

'Is John still mad at you?' he asks. It breaks me out of my trance, I hope he didn't notice me staring at him like that.

I sigh deeply, turning my head to look out of the window. 'Yeah.'

'Did you apologise?' he peers at me wondering if I'll answer or not.

'No.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No.' I trail off.

He sits up straighter. I can tell he is a little annoyed and maybe even surprised that I am not opening up to him. 'Alright.'

I look over at him. 'How are you and Gen going?'

He shifts in his seat and lets out a sigh similar to mine just before. 'I don't know.'

'Are you going through a rough patch?'

'Yeah.' He words are short and soft.

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No.'

I shrug. 'Alright.' I repeat what he said before. I think both of our brains are pretty fried and our relationship are becoming more and more frustrating to talk about, so we just pivot and avoid it.

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I am waiting in the living room of my house checking my phone as often as I can. Peter said that his training was going to finish at 5:30pm and by the time he got showered and had dinner, it would probably be around 6:30pm, so expect him after that. It was now 6:30pm and I had all of my books in my bag beside my feet. I was wearing just a plain hoodie with the Gryffindor crest on it as well as some dark jeans. It was colder at night, which I was making sure to dress for. My knee is jiggling up and down and I just get a text from Peter saying he is leaving his house, when Kitty comes running down the stairs.

'What are you doing?' She asks, curiously.

'Just waiting for someone.'

'John?'

I see Margot come down the stairs now as well. 'What are you guys doing?' she must be thinking we have conjugated in the living room for some reason.

'Lara Jean is waiting for someone.' Kitty tells her.

'Who?' Margot asks.

I have to roll my eyes, did I have to have the same conversation with both of them? Why couldn't they have just waited a few minutes longer until I would have left by now? I hesitate telling them where I am going. If I let Kitty know that I am seeing Peter, she isn't going to let me hear the end of it and will probably keep mentioning it at any swim meet and whenever he is around. If I tell Margot she will definitely scowl me for hanging out with Peter when he is the one causing trouble between me and John. So I just lie to them.

'I'm going to John's, we are going to talk.' I decide to just wait outside for Peter now and get up and go out the front door. I know that if they ask anymore questions then they will immediately know that I am lying and I don't want to deal with all of that now.

I sit on the patio while waiting until finally I see the black Audi pull up. I run down to him and get in.

'Hey Covey! Ready to crush this research?' He asks excitedly.

'Yep!' I match his tone.

He then drives us to his house. I can't help but think how much easier it would have been if we had just studied at my house given that he has driven all the way over here, but there was no way that was happening with Kitty and Margot at home, so I am grateful he hasn't picked up on that.

I arrive out the front of his house and on the inside, it looks mainly the same as it did before. The only thing that has changed is that his father is no longer in any of the photos. When we were younger, his father had left a while ago but he had told me that his mum didn't want to remove him or censor him from their lives, so she kept him in the pictures. I have to wonder what has happened for him to be completely removed from them.

'Lara Jean.' I hear a female voice say my name.

'Mrs Kavinsky.' I greet Peter's mum who has just walked out from the kitchen. She gives me a hug.

'It has been a long time.'

'I know.'

'I won't hold you back from studying any longer, but can I just say how glad I am you are finally showing Peter how it is done?'

I have to laugh with her as Peter scowls. 'It only took, what, 10 years of school?'

She laughs with me. Peter interrupts us. 'Ok if you are done making fun of me, can we study?'

'Sure.' Mrs Kavinsky says, she gives me one last squeeze and then I follow Peter upstairs.

Peter leads me into his room. At first I feel incredibly awkward being there. I am sure that no other girl has been in here except Genevieve and I try not to think about the things that he and her have probably done together while here. I have been in John's room before, but this just seems to be very personal and invading someone's space. He sits down on his floor and pats the ground next to him.

'Come on Covey, I won't bite.' He teases.

I step over the threshold to join him. As I walk in, I can hear the sounds of videogames blaring from the door across from him.

'Shut the door, will you? Owen always yells when he loses.'

I have to hide my face from turning bright red as I close the door and sit across from him on the ground.

'It's so different.' I say under my breath.

'What is?' he asks curiously.

'Like just being a guy.'

'Well yes…' he still looks curious about my point.

'I mean a girl just walks in and your mum is totally fine with her going to your room and having the door shut. My dad doesn't even let me and John hang around in my room without the door being open. Letting him come into my room took a while for us as well.'

He lets out a chuckle. 'My mum's pretty used to it.'

I hide my face again. Of course, him and Genevieve probably had the door closed all the time and she was probably here every afternoon. It again hits me how different our relationships are.

I jump when I hear a sudden bang. Peter frowns and get to his feet, walking quickly out the door and across to Owen's room. 'Oi, keep it down!' he yells at him.

'Go away!' Owen screams back.

'Then shut it!' Peter slams the door behind him before he comes back.

'Brothers.' He mutters under his breath as he sits down.

'Aren't you and Owen closer after everything that happened with your dad?' The question blurts out of mouth in reaction to my horror to how him and Owen just treated each other. I realise how personal that question is and quickly take it back. 'You don't have to answer that, actually don't worry.'

I look down at my bags and pulls out my books. I watch as Peter rests his head against his bed.

'I guess not. Sometimes I think about how I need to be a better big brother to him and all that, but then he does something annoying and I forget all about it.' Peter excuses himself.

I have to shrug. 'I used to be like that with Kitty, but then I realised where that her annoying behaviour was coming from and I realised that it was her way of coping with feeling lonely.'

He scruffs the back of his head, deep in his thoughts. 'I know that it's his way of getting over what happened with our dad, but I just don't know what to do. I'm feeling the same way as he is, but I don't have to have angry outbursts on my xbox like he does.'

'Well that's you. This is him. He probably doesn't know what else to do. He is probably just lost in how he is supposed to react and supposed to be feeling which results in him being angry at himself and the world around him.'

'Anger is a part of life.' Peter looks down, I can tell my words are getting to him. 'He needs to learn to cope with it.'

'But how does he know?' I give him a meaningful look which he nods at.

'It must have been really hard for Kitty.' He remarks, his eyes are sad.

I stretch my legs out in front of me. 'It was. I think we all just expected her to grow up within a matter of seconds and go through something that even adults can't full appreciate.'

'You all had to grow up.'

'Yeah we did…..' I trail off. From the way he is looking at me, it's like he understands, so the next words just roll off my tongue. 'Sometimes I like to fantasise how it might have been if I hadn't. Maybe I wouldn't be as afraid to drink and party. Maybe I would still be clueless about how to do laundry and pack my own lunch. Maybe I wouldn't always feel guilty or hyperaware of being a burden on anyone in my family.'

'I'm sure you're not a burden on anyone. Your family would never see you as a burden.' Peter says softly, his eyes are soft and full of sympathy.

'It's hard for it not to feel that way, you know?' I look at him intently, searching his face for any understanding or sense that I am making.

'You don't have to tell me.' He drops his head. 'I remember when our dad first left how I would just leave the house for hours on end, not because I wanted to but because I was afraid that if I hung around that I would be forcing my mum to hide herself to be with me and look after me.'

'Don't you think that's maybe what Owen is doing now.'

Peter flinches as I say this to him. He rubs his head as if just realising that what he struggled with so much is no happening to his little brother. 'Probably. I mean I tried so hard to keep that all from him. To get him to follow my lead and not hang around with mum, but maybe you're right and maybe I hammered in the belief to him that he was a burden. What does anyone do in that situation though?'

'I don't know.' I say helplessly. 'Just try find something that makes us feel special.'

'Like a relationship.' Peter adds.

I can't help but agree. 'Yeah.'

He lets out a big sigh and slumps back his shoulders. 'I don't know what's happening with Gen.' he admits. 'One minute she is fine and we're all good, but then the next she is just cold to me and it feels like I'm not enough.'

'That must hurt a lot.' I reflect his emotions onto him to enough him to keep talking.

He nods. 'If there is one thing in left that stings the most for me, it's feeling like I'm not enough. I don't know if it's my confidence or because of what happened with my dad or what, but whenever I feel like I am not enough and that someone isn't sure of me, it just brings back all of those emotions that I had the night my dad left. The night that he left and all I could think about was how he was able to just leave his kids, that he could leave my mum and Owen and he could leave me so suddenly. Whenever I get that wash of not being enough I just feel lost and abandoned.'

My heart breaks for Peter, especially imagining the little Peter looking so lost and hopeless watching his dad leave him without any explanation or reason. I know it's hard for him to talk about it.

'You should never feel like you're not enough.'

He scoffs at me.

'Seriously Peter, what's not enough about you? You're in mostly AP classes, the star lacrosse player despite only being a sophomore and you are friends with just about everyone in our grade. You're someone who makes everyone feel good about themselves when they talk to you.' I look him intensely in his eyes. I don't blush or hesitate for a moment with my words, because they are all true.

He lets a small smile come over his face. 'I wish I could believe that.'

'You should and if Gen isn't proving that to you every day, then you deserve so much better than her.'

He looks off into space. 'Sometimes I manage to convince myself that if I don't have Gen, then I'll never have anyone.'

'Are you kidding me? Just about every girl would drop to their knees for you.' I raise my eyebrows at him.

'Yeah.. I don't know.' He trails off.

'Do you love her?' I ask him bluntly.

He sighs again. 'I don't know. I mean I think that I do, but then I'm also hardly old enough to know what love is. If I do love her, then I don't understand how we keep having so many problems and doubts, but at this point, I feel like I've worked too hard to just let her go, you know?'

I nod. 'You don't want all your hard work to be for nothing.'

He nods back at me. 'So what's happening with you and John?' as if signalling that it is my turn to spill everything.

'I don't know. He is just stubborn.'

Peter chuckles. 'I know.'

'Do you think that something is supposed to drastically change when you move from friends to dating?' I ask him.

'Of course. Everything becomes better and heightened.'

'I just don't know if that's what happened between John and I. The more I think about it, the more it seems like we are just in a friendship not a relationship. Take this fight, he keeps reiterating his point about not liking you and having a problem with you instead of just understanding that I can't see anything wrong with it and that I don't have a problem.'

'So he wants to give you advice and change it, instead of actually validating and soothing your own feelings?'

'Exactly. I think that it has been fine before because I haven't noticed but now I am and it's a problem.'

'So why are you still together?'

I look down at my hands. 'I just don't know if I can cope with losing someone again.' I say the words out loud that I have never said before.

'Because of your mum?' He says it more as a statement instead of a question.

I just nod back with my hands still in my lap.

'You won't feel this way forever, Covey.' He tells me and as I look into his eyes, for some reason I believe it.

We don't do any work that night, instead we spend the rest of the time talking. We talk about most things, what we think of school, what we think of studying, our siblings, our dreams, our strange theories, people at school who we can't figure out… He drops me home just before my curfew. I don't know what is more troubling the realisation that I have never felt this giddy yet understood before or that I have never felt this way with John.

 _A/N: Oh wow thank you so much to everyone for the feedback from the last chapter! It really lifted my spirits! I hope you like this chapter as well! I tried to get a bit more into the emotional side of things and really uncover a few things about Peter and LJ. Let me know what you think of it!_

 _I know the story feels like a slow burner but stay tuned in! It all has an outline meaning that things are developing for a reason and thinks you might have thought weren't very important as actually pretty crucial!_

 _Again I would love if you guys can review this one heaps as well! I CAN GUARANTEE that you definitely want to read the next chapter. There are a lot of revelations to be had! The reviews, favouriting and following really does keep me motivated and keeps me writing fast to give this one chapter per day! So please please keep it up!_

 _Hope you guys like this chapter and are liking the story!_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

 _Peter: I can't even eat Chinese food without thinking about our history assignment_

 _You've corrupted me, Covey_

 _Lara Jean: it's a good reminder that you still need to do more on your part_

 _Also, what Chinese food? You should try Korean food_

 _Peter: What's Korean food?_

 _LJ: Food from Korea._

 _Peter: Ha. Ha. Thank you for not assuming I have knowledge more advanced than a three year old_

 _LJ: You're welcome_

I can't stop the smile that spread across my face as I joke with Peter. Lately we have been texting more just about little things that happen that might remind us of our assignment or other funny things. I had forgotten how similar our sense of humour was and how fun it was being able to joke with someone who found the same thing funny as me.

'Ooooo, are you and John sending cute texts?' Margot teases me as she walks into the room.

I hold my phone against my chest. 'None of your business.'

I check my phone slyly as it vibrates.

 _Peter: I hope you know that I'll be blaming all my low self-esteem problems on you once I get a therapist_

 _You're the number one person ruining my ego_

I look down at giggle at his messages, I am about to reply when I feel Margot rip my phone out of my hands and run away with it.

'Margot! Stop!' I yell after her.

'What's John saying?' she managed to sneak around the table before looking down at my phone.

She looks confused for a moment as her face skims over the screen.

'You're texting Peter?' her eyes search mine.

'Yeah it's just about our history project.' I quickly recover, though I don't particular like the way she is looking at me.

'Alright.'

'What is it, Gogo?'

'I'm just saying maybe be careful. You have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. I don't want to see you get hurt.'

'There is nothing but friendship there, trust me.' I give her a straight face so she believes me. 'Any way it could have been much worse, I mean I could have been messaging Josh.'

She cringes. 'Ewww, yeah you're right this is much better than you being in love with Josh. I can only take one sister having an infatuation for him.'

My mouth falls open. 'You know about Kitty.'

'Honestly it isn't that hard to find out.'

We share a laugh until we hear Kitty's footsteps down the stairs then we try to shush ourselves knowing how annoyed she would be if we teased her about it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next time I see Margot today is when she is delivering pretty awful news to me.

'Josh has organised a double date for tomorrow night.' She tells me, walking into my room and sitting on my bed.

'Margot!' I sigh. John and I are on better terms but for the most part, we are just saving face at school and haven't really talked about what is really going on. I have conceded that we won't really get over this until this history project is over and I am not seeing as much of Peter anymore.

'I know! Josh saw John at school and asked if he wanted to do something and he said yes, so Josh booked tickets for a movie tomorrow.'

I let out a scream. Perfect. Now John and I will be forced to watch and sit in front of Josh and Margot as they are still head over heels with each other, while it's much colder between us. Josh has no idea about anything while Margot knows a little more, I have only mentioned to her that John is mad about me working with Peter because of our old friendship group. Josh has a good heart, but he always tends to ask questions with good intentions which seem to cause bad consequences which is frankly the last thing that we need right now.

'I hadn't given Josh any clue about your problems, but maybe my acting was a bit too good.'

'You think?'

'Come on Lara Jean, it won't be that bad. We'll just go to the movie which we watch in silence and then have a quick dinner afterwards. It might be nice to just have a normal moment between the two of you.'

'Ok…' I grumble.

'This thing which is happening with Peter is obviously causing a lot of stress and trouble for John and you aren't doing much about it to change that.' She accuses me.

'What are you talking about?' I challenge her.

'I mean, you are texting him and talking to him more than you are your own boyfriend John. I get that you are doing a project with Peter and maybe it's easy to lean on him at the moment, but just remember who both of them are.'

'Who they are?' I prompt her to explain more.

'Remember why you are with John now and why you weren't talking to Peter before.'

'That was a misunderstanding.' I try to defend myself and my friendship with Peter.

'Yeah that wasn't cleared up until after 2 years. How many opportunities did he have to do better by you? But he chose not to. Don't forget how much John was there for you after everything.'

'Peter was there too.' I mumble.

'But remember who stayed.' Margot is stern and firm with her words making sure that they have a strong impact on me.

I have to nod and turn back to my homework before too many memories come to my head and cause me to be upset. Not right now. I can't.

The next night comes and I am standing in front of the mirror looking myself up and down. I have gone for something simple. Just a pair of dark jean and a pink velvet jumper. I decide to curl my hair as a way of distracting myself from my thoughts, but it isn't particularly successful. All I can think about are the Margot's words ringing in my head. It has been on my mind for a while. I try to push it down as much as I can and I even forget about it when I'm with Peter, but it is a massive defining factor. I can't forget how it was before. What would have happened if he hadn't come out of that party hoping to get some air? If I had decided to practice in the bathroom instead of outside? If John hadn't been drunk that night and was still able to give me a lift home? If we weren't history partners? Am I just trying to put meaning behind some random coincidences that really don't mean anything? I think back to the few years before, when Peter and I have been ignoring each other. We would pass each other in the corridor and barely glance at each other. Whenever we would end up talking in the same group of people, he would turn his body towards Gen. The way that he would notice me and still lean in to kiss Gen as if reminding me that the person who kisses him now it so much better than me.

That's when the thought, no the absolute ultimatum comes to me. I need to find out what happened between him and John. That is the only way I can really know and really understand this, I think. If it was as awful as they both imply and enough for Peter to think that I was on John's side, then it would make sense. The way that he avoided me and how he treated me, until he found out that I didn't know and then it all changed. Alternatively if it doesn't, then I know that it's just a matter of these coincidences and once this history project is over than we will be done and hardly friends again. I also need to know for John's sake. I need to understand if it was bad enough to warrant him wanting and needing me to hate Peter, or whether it is him just trying to be possessive of me and keep my away from Peter. I need to hear it from John first and I decide that I need to know tonight.

John and Josh are already waiting in the car, by the time Margot and I come down. They are both in the driver and passenger seats talking, which makes it easy for us to choose where to sit. I feel incredibly determined and promise myself that I can't lose this motivation and sudden jolt to find out the truth. The movie we see is one that isn't particularly memorable. It's a biopic which doesn't exactly feed my love of romance or Margot's enjoyment of comedies. We make our way over to the diner after. I get fries and a grilled cheese, John gets chicken tenders, Margot gets tomato soup and Josh opts for a burger. We keep the conversations light. I know that Margot has hinted to Josh that there is some trouble between John and I, so not to focus on anything too bad. Josh was apparently shocked that we were still having issues, as he had assumed we would have resolved them by now. It was through clenched teeth that I had to tell him otherwise and try to wave off his worries. Margot and I share the tomato soup and grilled cheese, taking turn dipping the bread. It's something that John and Josh having never understood, but choose not to judge anymore. Things aren't too bad between John and I. We manage to stay civil and we both make efforts to talk about things that make us happy and that are good between us instead of focussing on the tension and fight between us.

'So Stormy's birthday is coming up isn't it?' Josh asks.

'How could I possibly forget?' John groans.

Margot pipes in. 'I know, she has a countdown until her birthday on her door to remind everyone of it. Jo is so thankful that you are taking her out for her birthday otherwise we were worried that we might have to throw her a celebration.'

John laughs. 'No don't worry, my parents have got it all under control. They have a special celebration that will be perfect for Stormy's standard planned.'

'I'm invited, right?' I ask jokingly.

'Nope, strictly VIP only.' John teases.

'Oh well that means I can come then.' Margot teases.

I poke my tongue out at her as John puts him arm around me. 'Don't worry, Lara Jean, I'm pretty sure Stormy would come find you and drag you there herself, if we didn't invite you.'

I have to smile at him. 'Damn right she would have, I'm her favourite grandchild she never had.'

'Uh-hm, I think she likes me more than you.' Margot pretends to gasp.

'Well we'll see if Stormy comes after you when she sees that you aren't there.' I tease Margot.

We all share a laugh as Josh pats her shoulder to stop her from launching herself across the table at me. It's funny whenever I can manage to get under Margot's skin, considering that it is very difficult to do. As we are laughing, the waitress comes over with out bill. The waitress is an older lady, I think she might own the diner. Usually she has a clipboard in her hand and is checking off inventory or doing shifts or other managing work instead of taking orders. I can't remember a time when she wasn't here.

'Here you go.' She waits, as we all fish out our wallets and get our share of the money. Margot and I had to put up a big argument with Josh and John in order to let them allow us to pay, eventually we settled on everyone paying their own share.

John, Josh and I all put in our money. Margot is still fishing around for some coins. She has a navy wallet which has her name 'Margot Song Covey' embroidered along the edge. She gets out the money then rests her wallet on the table. The waitress leans over to take the change and glances at Margot's name on her wallet.

She gasps. 'Oh you two are Eve's daughters?' she looks between Margot and I.

We all tense up a little at the sound of our mother's name. Margot manages to collect herself. 'Yes we are.'

She lets out a sigh. 'Eve used to come here all the time. I realised that it's the anniversary of her death soon. How are you going?'

I am a little shocked by how forward she is and feel a lump in my throat. John's hand is on my leg, comforting me. 'We're going ok. It's just a hard time.' I manage to get out, my voice slightly breaking.

'She really was an amazing women. It must be so hard not having a mother now and you have a little sister, don't you?' she has sincere, sympathetic eyes.

My breath quickens a little. I used to be very good at answering these questions, but the way her eyes are looking at me full of pity and tragedy, I feel tight inside. I glance at Margot, who is looking down and I think feeling the same way. I take a deep breath trying to will myself to speak over the lump in my throat.

'Yes, her name is-' I start to say.

'Her name is Kitty. I think you are making them a little upset, so would you mind giving us a moment?' John interrupts me, leaning over me to talk to her.

I put a hand on his arm as the waitress looks shocked. 'It's fine.'

'I know, but we were just leaving.' John is firm with his words. He stands up. I stay sitting, it isn't fair to just leave this conversation like this.

Josh is standing up as well, he and Margot give her an acknowledge of their goodbyes before leaving. John grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet, despite my best efforts to stay sitting. I quickly manage to say a few words to her.

'It was really nice talking to you. I would love to hear more about how you knew my mother one day.' I look at her sincerely and genuinely, taking one of her hands and squeezing it.

Her eyes are rimmed with tears now as she squeezes back. 'I didn't mean to upset you.' Her voice breaks as well.

'Not at all. Thank you for the meal.' I get out before John drags me away.

We get to the car and I see Margot and Josh hugging, Josh is whispering a few things in her ears trying to calm her down. Her face is blank and frozen, as it usually is when she is getting upset. I just get straight into the car, ripping my hand from John's. After everyone else piles in, I feel John's fingers reaching for mine, but I retract my hand. I don't want to touch him until we talk first. As soon as we arrive out the front of our house, I get out immediately and go inside. I don't even bother to check if John is behind me. All I know is that I had to get out of that car. I go and sit on the couch, grateful that Kitty and Daddy are out at the moment. I have my arms crossed when I hear John walk in.

He sits down next to me. 'I'm really sorry about what that waitress said to you.'

My jaw drops. 'Is that what you think I'm annoyed about?'

'Well what else would it be?'

'How about how you just spoke straight over me and assumed that I wasn't ok talking about it without even asking me? Again!'

'Lara Jean, why are you mad at me for this? I know how upset you get talking about this, so I was trying to protect you and stand up for you.'

'When did I say you needed to do that?'

'It's what I have always done.'

I have to let out an angry breath. 'Maybe at first, but can't you see how much I've grown and changed since then?'

'You can't expect me to just know that.'

'Why not?'

'I just assume that if you are in the verge of tears, then I need to get you out of there.'

'Do you realise how suffocating that is?' I blurt out. His face was small as I realise how I have hurt him.

I have to sigh. I know I can't punish him for this. 'John I know that you were looking out for me, just like you have been since this all happened in seventh grade, but you need to let me move on at least a little.'

'I'm sorry.' He confesses. 'I just always think about how sad you were then and do my best to stop that from ever happening again.'

I take his hand. 'I know, but you need to let me go through some of this myself. You need to stop going over my head and doing things on behalf on me without talking to me first.'

He sighs again. He looks at me, there is so much hurt and sadness in his eyes. 'How did we get like this Lara Jean?'

I take a deep breath and grab his other hand. 'John, you have to tell me what happened between you and Peter.' I say it as a statement not as a question.

He looks at me, searching my face. I try to keep my eyes soft on him, but I know that the rest of my face is determined. I think he realises that this is the only way that I can truly understand and we can finally move on and hopefully have what had come back to us. The time apart has done us good, I think, as he has realised that he can't just tell me what to do but needs me to part of it so I will do the same thing he wants me to do but on my own terms.

He sighs and rubs his face. 'It happened after your mum.' He reveals softly.

I nod my head. I had figured as much given that he and Peter were best friends before then and after that, they suddenly weren't. That's probably how I was able to not find out sooner, because I wasn't really sure what was going on around me until a few months after that but it was old news by then.

'Peter and I were both trying to visit you just before the funeral so that we would be able to talk to you, comfort you and be there for you by the time the service came. Chris had already seen you and she had told us that you were really struggling with it all, so that only one of us should go as you might get overwhelmed if it was the two of us. We also needed one of us to stay with Gen as we knew that she wasn't the best person for you to be around as she was just entering her bitchy phase and was having her own family stuff at the time.'

I take a breath out. I remember that. This was when I really started noticing that Gen and I weren't friends anymore, and to be honest, I remember hoping that she wouldn't come to see me, as I wasn't sure if she was going to be sympathetic or instead just tell me to get over it and move on.

'I suggested that I should be the one who goes and sees you. We all knew that Peter and Gen had a thing for each other, so she would be less suspicious if it was him and that I had a massive crush on you.' He gives me a little smile as he says that.

'But Peter wasn't ok with that. He got mad and said that he should be the one to see you. I couldn't understand why as Gen had been telling us all about how her and him were going to be dating soon for sure, but suddenly he was saying that there was no way I could go. We tried to talk it out, each stating our own reasons why we should go and then we both said things that we shouldn't have and things that we knew would really hurt the other.'

'What did you say?' I chime in. I need to know this, because I need to know how much hurt they caused each other and what really happened between them. I know that there is another part and more events to this stories, but I want the gaps filled before we reach that.

John sighs again, running his hand over his head. 'I told Peter that he wouldn't know how to react or how to comfort you because his father walked out on him when he was younger and he wouldn't know what a life could possibly be like without a mother since she was a slave to her children to try cover up the damage his dad did, so he couldn't help you.' He says the words as if he remembers saying them just a few day ago.

I bring my hand to my mouth. I know that if there was one thing that could hurt Peter, it would be bringing up his dad and talking about his mum.

'He then told me that the only person who should be comforting you should be someone who understands you and that was him because you had spent the last summer together after I had abandoned you for my family holiday. He also said that your mum always liked him better and was the only guy she ever approved of being with you, so it would be tarnishing her memory if I showed up.'

I feel a sob come out of me. I never knew that those two boys who were so close to each other and barely spent a moment away from each other were capable of this much hatred and pain.

'They were just words though something that we both knew. Chris managed to calm us down and convinced us that the best way to go about it so that we didn't lose our friendship was to come to a truce that neither of us would come and see you. That was something that we both agreed to and thought was going to be the best thing for us.'

I see a slight quiver of his lip as he keeps talking. 'Later that night though, Stormy wanted to come over for Margot. I refused her offer because I knew that if Peter ever found out then he would be so mad at me and he would never want to talk to him again. So I did it for him and for the sake of our friendship which we had had for almost 6 years.'

A single tear falls from his eye, as he reveals what I knew happened next. 'Then Stormy got back and told me how she had seen my best friend, Peter with you. She told me how it was so adorable watching as he hugged and comforted you. She couldn't believe how two almost 12-year olds could look so mature yet so young at the same time. I had never felt so betrayed before. I don't know what was worse the fact that he broke out deal and went to see you, or how he just completely stabbed me in the back after I had admitted to liking you. He had never really told me who he liked, I don't think he told anyone. He told me that he had his first kiss once we got back to school in seventh grade and I knew that it was Gen, because she was going on about the same thing at that time. Gen then kept going on and on about how her and Peter were getting married and were going to be dating soon and Peter never denied it or said anything against it.'

He pauses and wipes his single tear away. 'I confronted him about it though. It was after school. I had spent the whole day avoiding him, despite him pretending that absolutely nothing had changed. He kept trying to hug me and slap me on the back and all like friends, but I kept running away. Finally we got talking. I called him out on how he went to see you and how he broke out deal. He was sputtering some nonsense about how he wasn't going to do it, but he couldn't stop thinking about how upset you would be and thinking that we didn't care. He tried to say an excuse of how he told you that I was thinking of you as well and that you needed to him. I don't remember much of what I said, but I do know that I just told him that all he was doing was hurting you more. I told him how Gen had already claimed him and everyone thought that he liked Gen and was going to start dating Gen. I called him out on how much of a douchebag he was being by trying to come to you and comfort you while having another girl on the side. He was giving you false hope and upsetting you wit more pain and hurt. I had always had the theory that the main reason that you and I were so close was because you knew that Peter only liked Gen and wanted to be with Gen.'

I sense that there was one last thing that John had to say to him to cause him to never want to talk to me again and to John again.

John takes one last deep breath. 'I know I shouldn't have said it, but I told him that he was a duplicate of his father, because you knew that he was going to leave you for Gen and their new popular friends and yet he was still willing to make you go through all the pain that his mum went through, instead of letting you avoiding that by having me.

I have a few tears on my face once John finishes telling me everything. He lets out a breath of relief as if a weight is finally coming off of his shoulders.

'I know that I should be sorry for what I said, but deep down I am not. This is why I told you he was such a bad guy, because even after everything that happened to you, he was still trying to hang around with you instead of me, despite knowing that he only had a thing with Gen. He just went against everything I thought he was and that's why I can't stand him. Though I can't deny that a part of me probably also avoids him because I am a little ashamed of what I said to him as well.'

'It's ok, I understand.' My mind is spinning from all the words that John has just said to me. I am trying to piece everything together but it is all getting jumbled.

I lean forward to kiss him. He kisses me back, stroking the sides of my cheeks softly. It calms me for a moment. My mind is still running wild, but at least there is a slight buffer between it all. I just want to keep kissing him until it can all finally my sense. I push against him so that he will lie down in the couch, through he resists my strength.

'Woah, sorry Lara Jean, I'm really glad I told you and all, but it's already late and I have to go.' He says softly, holding me back.

'What? Why?' I don't understand. I just need him right now. I need some reassurance after everything. This is supposed to make everything between us good again, why is he leaving?

'I have to wake up early tomorrow morning and I have to get enough sleep, I'm sorry.' He waves me off.

He gives me one last peck on the lips before he stands up and leaves. That just abandons me and my thoughts.

I walk up to my bed and lay my head down. It is so hard to think about everything and to consider what John has just told me. The thing that keeps nibbling at my head is the missing fact from all of this. Gen wasn't Peter's first kiss. I was. It wasn't that there was nothing between us but instead there was. Something which we both never told Gen or John. I have to think back to that last time I saw and actually talked to Peter before a few weeks ago at that party.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX _(Flashback)_

 _I was sitting on the window seat in my room, just peering outside. I couldn't help but look around and all I saw was her. The way that my mum used to float into my room, dancing as she vacuumed the floors. How she would come up to me and place soft hands on the sides of my face and kiss my forehead. How she used to fill this house with so many memories. Right now, everything just seems so empty._

' _Lara Jean, someone is here to see you.' I remember Daddy called out from downstairs. It felt hard to let myself leave my room. There were so many flowers every where from everyone that I barely recognised my own house anymore. It was just a reminder of what a tragedy this was. I walked down the stairs slowly and that's when I saw him. Peter. He was wearing his windbreaker over jeans with sneakers. He looked a little lost as well. I walked down until I was standing in front of him._

' _Hey Covey.' He greeted me with a small smile. 'I just want to be here for you.'_

 _I nodded my head as he stepped towards me and gave me a hug. It wasn't something that often happened. I felt stiff I don't think I had ever really hugged a boy before except when it was my birthday or when forced by our relatives. Eventually I relaxed and let my head rest against his shoulder, since he wasn't much taller than me._

' _Wanna talk?' he asked, as he pulled away. He had the same eyes, ones filled with concern, worry and kindness, that he had just before he had kissed me when I had my bruised lip after falling off my bike._

 _We went out to the bench on the patio. I clasped my hands together, looking down at them._

' _Everything just feels so different.' I said to him softly._

' _I know.' He comforted me, still sitting far away from me._

' _It feels like it hasn't happened, you know? Like I am going to wake up and she'll be here, but she hasn't shown up yet. She's just gone.'_

' _No, she's not.' Peter correceds me. I looked over at him feeling very confused. 'I don't know much about this, but I know when my grandma passed, my mum told me how she was always going to be with us. Even though she isn't physically here, she'll always be watching and will forever have a presence in your life.'_

' _Are you sure?' Tears started to come from my eyes._

' _I don't know, but I think there is some truth to it.'_

' _How did you feel when your dad left?' I remember feeling weird about asking this question, but it seemed like the main thing that he would know and that I didn't understand._

' _It felt a bit like this. Of course, there was a lot more wondering and doubting that when into it, but it felt like everything was different.'_

 _I sniffled as tears began to fall more quickly down my cheeks. I felt Peter scoot closer to me, until our legs were touching. It felt reassuring, he slowly reached up and grabbed my hand closest to him and intertwined our fingers. I couldn't help but lock mine around him. For a moment, everything felt a little more ok. That I had someone here who was there for me._

' _It felt a lot different at first and I can't pretend that it wasn't hard, despite the fact that I was young. I just remember there was a time when I always noticed that he wasn't there. Anything time we did anything, it felt like there was a hole where my dad should have been but he wasn't. Is that how you feel?'_

 _I nodded tearfully._

' _The hole or the gap won't ever fully close, especially for you and for the mark that your mum had on all of our lives, but it will get smaller. Eventually I didn't notice as much and my mum, Owen and I grew to fill that hole a little more. I can't remember how long it took, but it'll happen.'_

 _We locked eyes. He had tears in his eyes as well. I rested my head on his shoulder, as more tears streamed down my face._

' _She really liked you.' I said to him._

' _I really liked her too. I always thought that you had the best mum out of all of us.' He voices broke slightly as he admitted that. 'Sometimes I think without her I wouldn't have learnt so many important things. Like remember how many times she made me pull out and push in a chair for you? I had no idea I could even do that wrong.'_

 _I let out a little laugh, remembering how frustrated he was getting at it but how determined he was._

' _I also can't count the amount of times she made me mop your floors because I accidentally ran in without taking my shoes off.'_

 _I laughed a bit louder. 'She used to get so mad at you.'_

' _I know and don't even get me started on her watered down apple juice.'_

 _I covered my mouth so no one can hear my laugh inside. Peter used to always get a soda whenever we went down to the pool. He would come up to me and drink it in front of me to tease me, until mum started telling him about how unhealthy it was and how when his metabolism slowed down he was going to be addicted to soft drinks and need a crane to be carried out of the house. Some boys said he was crying after she told him that, all I knew was he started to look pale and then ran to the boys bathroom in panic._

 _It's funny how quick laughing can turn to crying though, because as soon as I stopped laughing that was when the sobs started._

' _Who's going to do that now, Peter? We won't have anyone.' I looked up at him. Who was going to teach my future boyfriends how to handle chairs? Who would reprimand anyone who came in without shoes? Who would make us watered down apple juice for the pool?_

 _He pulled away from me and looked me square in my eyes. 'Don't think like that. You have so many people. This entire town is here for you. Your dad, Margot and Kitty for starters. Then I know that John is concerned and he is thinking of you. Don't even try forget about Chris, Gen, Allie or Trevor. The teachers at school, neighbours nearby, people down at the diner, everyone is going to be here for you and they will do whatever you need. You'll just have to ask.'_

 _He was still facing me, as he looked back inside. I followed his gaze and saw that Stormy has just entered and she was talking with Daddy and Margot. Peter looked at me again. He had a certain look on his face, though his eyes were searching mine. He was still holding my hand and his leg was against mine._

' _I'm here for you as well.' He said, then he leaned in and he kissed me. This was the one that I definitely remembered and that I felt. It wasn't like the first one where I barely knew what was going on because my lips were numb, it was one where I knew exactly what was happening. It wasn't a magical kiss by any means, it was a usual peck that could be expected from a 12-year old who isn't really sure what they are doing. I then just remember that he pulled away and flashed his confident grin at me. I was in too much shock to really do much, but then he reached his other arm around me and my head went back onto his shoulder. We stayed hugging like that until Daddy and Stormy eventually came out to see how I was going. I could hear their muffled voices as they were trying to peek out the window at us but I didn't care. It was the first moment that my mind had managed to be distracted. The first time since everything had happened that I was feeling an emotion other than grief or sadness. I felt giddy being in Peter's arms like this and knowing that I had not kissed him once, but now twice. Even as I went to my room, I was still tracing my lips remembering how it felt and from that moment, I believed that everything was eventually and slowly going to be ok._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I lay down in the same bed I was in when that all happened. It is hard to wrap my head around it all. I didn't even realise what had happened between John and Peter, so I had no idea what it meant when Stormy came and saw us. I do remember Peter getting to his feet and saying that he had to get home then, which now makes more sense. He realised that he had been caught out. I didn't see much of Peter at the funeral, we just exchanged a glance but he didn't come up and talk to me or anything. John did though and he stayed by my side the whole time, which is probably why Peter didn't come near.

What side did Peter think I was on though? I think back to what John told me about what he had said to Peter later at school about leading me on and having something with Gen. Is that what Peter thought? By having John at my side and sticking by him, maybe I was showing Peter that I was trying to distance myself from him. Maybe it was easier to be around John when I knew that Gen and Peter had a thing. I don't remember much but I remember still thinking that there was something between Peter and I. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew Gen and him didn't have the same thing we had. I think I just thought that he was having some space away from John because of what happened. I didn't really know what was happening until he and Gen started dating.

I realise now that I do need to hear the other side from Peter, for my own sake. I had a crush on Peter for so long and he was the one who was there for me and who turned around everything. He had mentioned recently how he didn't want to see me or talk to me, after everything had happened. Was that why? Was is because he thought it was going to hurt me more if he hung around because John had told him that I thought he only liked Gen and wanted to be with Gen? He probably thought that I had told John about the kisses and then I still had enough evidence and proof to believe that he liked Gen. It all makes so much more sense now. Why Peter wouldn't talk to me, why he avoided me and then how it all changed when he found out that I didn't know about it.

I have to consider John for a moment. I know he must have been very hurt when this all happened. He hides it, but the fact that Peter was closer with my mum definitely made him sad to admit tonight. I understand how he must have felt. To be betrayed by his best friend who he thought was interested in another girl. John didn't know about the kiss, or any of the kisses. He didn't know that despite everything Gen was saying, there was more proof than Peter liked me than there was that he liked Gen. John has a good heart and valiant intentions, so I can easily imagine how he would have wanted to defend me against Peter who he told was being cruel to my emotions. It must have been hard for him as well. He always has mentioned how he has had a crush on me since seventh grade. Watching a girl you really like, who has a crush on someone else, must be hard. I know it must have also hurt him that even once Peter and Gen got together, it wasn't for another 6 months until I finally moved on from that and was open to dating him.

Everything is so murky, but I just need to figure out where I stand.

 _A/N: Was this chapter as spicy as I warned you it would be?_

 _We are finally clearing up a few things and revealing more about what is actually happening and what I have been foreshadowing for a while. I think the changes in the story are now making a lot more sense._

 _What is Peter going to have to say about what happened? That is all revealed in the next chapter! It you are keen to find out and have any emotions about this chapter I would love to hear it! Again any theories and predictions are also welcomed! Everyone thought that Peter and John weren't friends because of the kiss, but what happens when there was no kiss! DUH DUH DUUUUUUUHHHHHH!_

 _Please favourite, follow and review! The story and the drama are just starting to unfold so the more motivation, the less cliffhangers and long periods of anticipation! I appreciate the reviews so much, the last two chapters just hit 20 hence I have been making good on the one chapter per day! Can we try go past that mark? Then we might even get up to Chapter 10 with an update per day!_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

'Peter, we are not serving dumplings with our assignment.' I have to finally close down all of whining and arguing.

'I'm just saying that would guarantee us an A, maybe even an A+.' he boasts, he has been going on about this idea for the entire afternoon.

'Oh so are you going to make them?' I raise my eyebrows at him. He has told me himself that he can't cook much more than boiling ramen noodles.

'I can try though I think I make a better assistant, than chef.'

'Well good luck finding a chef then.'

'What? Why can't you be the chef? Dumpling are Korean, right?'

'Peter, those are Chinese!'

'You never told me what exactly Korean food is!'

'That was a prompt for you to look it up yourself.'

'I did and there wasn't an exact cuisine aside from Korean BBQ.'

I am shocked that he actually bothered to look it up.

He notices me looking a bit surprised so he wiggles his eyebrows. 'So what do you say? Are you going to make the dumplings?

'No!'

He grumbles something then pouts in his seat.

'Are you really pouting?'

'Maybe.' He shrugs, sticking his bottom lip out.

'I can't believe you are pouting. How old are you? 3?'

'Hey that's mean.'

I give him a pouty face back. 'Awww, did I wurt your wittle feelings?' I say in a baby voice to him.

He tries to hold a straight face. 'Maybe.'

'Awww, is wittle Petey gonna cry?' I curl my fists near my eyes and make a crying face.

That makes him lose it and then he starts laughing. I can't help but laugh as well watching how he was almost going red in the face trying to resist.

We just finish up laughing, but then we both look at each other and then we are set off all over again. I try to shush Peter as people around us are glaring at us for being loud, but it just makes me laugh more. Finally we stop laughing and we are both holding our stomachs in pain and wiping the tears of laughter from our eyes.

'Ok Covey, can we call it a day?' Peter asks, leaning back on his chair.

I look at the computer in front of us. We are pretty close to being finished with our assignment and it's not due for another week giving as a lot of time to go through it one last time and finish it off.

'Alright. Can you drop me home?'

'Course.' Peter scoffs, since he had been doing that almost every time we had stayed back at the library. It was just so much easier instead of having Margot or Daddy waiting around for me to text them when I was ready.

I save the document and also email it to Peter and I as a precaution. The worse thing that could happen now would be that it would somehow corrupt or be lost or delete itself so I am definitely trying to avoid that at all costs. Peter is standing up by the chair, he reaches up high and stretches as he waits, before he turns to me.

'I'm hungry, wanna grab some food?' he asks.

'You can't wait till you get home.' I peer at him, swinging my bag over my shoulder.

'I mean I can, but that doesn't mean it's gonna be good. I'm in the mood for fried chicken.'

'Then why don't you just go by yourself?' I say as we walk out of the library.

'I'm giving you a chance to not only hang around someone awesome, but also be able to have some of the best food you have ever tasted and you wanna turn me down?' he pretends to gasp at me.

I roll my eyes. We've worked really hard this afternoon, that it would be good to doing something nice especially since we don't have much time left together as well. 'Alright, but the food better be as good as you say.'

'It's the best.' He promises.

I just nod at him as I get into his car. It's weird to be considering going for dinner with Peter Kavinsky but I also think it might finally be the perfect opportunity to find out what he really thinks about everything and what is his side of the story.

After about 10 minutes of driving, we arrive out the front of a restaurant called 'Biscuit Soul Food.' I had driven past it before and seen lots of couple photos of Peter and Gen tagging this place on their Instagram but I have never been inside before.

'Come on, I'll get you a grand tour.' Peter winks at me.

I follow him in.

'There is the bar.' He points to a long wooden table next to a shelf filled with all sorts of whiskey and bourbon. 'Here are the booths.' He puts his hands on my shoulders and spins me to look at the tables and chairs around the floor space. 'And there is where all your dreams come true.' He gallantly swings his arm towards the kitchen area out the back.

'Wow, very impressive.' I play along with him.

'Wait till you taste the food.'

I put my bag on the floor and so does Peter, he then quickly runs over beside me.

'ummm yes?' I say to him, wondering why he is suddenly next to me.

'Your mum taught me well.' He flashes his dazzling, gorgeous smile at me and pulls out my chair.

I have to hide my face a little as I sit down. He then pushes in my chair. I can't deny that it does feel nice to have someone do this for you, despite all my feminist beliefs protecting against it.

'Gen is a lucky girl.' I comment.

He huffs. 'Gen doesn't let me do it. She would rather just sit down without the help.'

I don't hide my shock. 'Well I still appreciate that chivalry isn't dead.'

'Damn right.' Peter says with another smile.

He gets out the menu and start pointing at a whole heap of things that he thinks that I'll like. Eventually I just let him order for me. He order fried chicken with honey and hot sauce, as well as the loaded chicken with cheese and avocado. Both of them sound very weird to me, but I trust him.

'So Kavinsky, what emotional issue about your life are we going to tackle again? ' I make a joke about the fact that almost every time we are outside of the library together, we always end up talking about something deep and meaningful.

'Look something has been playing on my mind for a while, actually.' He points his finger to his chin pretending to think.

'And how do you feel about that?' I joke.

'Very confused.'

'Hmmmm, any anger?'

'Not really.'

'Sadness.'

'Always.' He flashes a smile at me.

'As if you even know what the emotion of sadness is?' I poke fun at him.

'What do you mean? I can be sad.'

'Really? And how long does it take you until you just bury that sadness away and replace it with amusement or cockiness?' I smart him.

He pauses for a moment. 'Can you stop reading my mind?'

'Can you make it harder?' I retort back.

He gives me a smile, it's mixed with disbelief and amusement, as if he can't really understand what is happening but he is still enjoying it anyway.

'I do actually have something on my mind.' He looks at me, leaning over his forearms resting on the table.

'Yes, what is that?' I copy his pose, so our eyes are level.

He shakes his head and chuckles at my antics. 'How come we stopped being friends?'

Now I am the one who is very confused. I swear we had been over this so many times and that it was very clear the reasons why we were no longer friends. 'Wasn't it because of what happened with you and John?'

He shifts his head. 'Yeah, but like why did we stop talking to each other exactly? Like I was thinking about it and I couldn't put my finger on an exact breakdown or fight that happened between us.'

I nod. 'That is true. There wasn't some big event or big explosion. I guess we just grew apart.'

'Why was that?'

I have to roll my eyes at him. 'Do I really have to spell it out for you?' I try to say it somewhat joking but I can't hide the edge in my voice. The way that Peter flinches tells me that he heard it as well. 'You got popular, you were dating Gen, you were a star player on the Lacrosse team, you didn't have time for me.'

'Is that what you thought?' It seems that this idea hadn't crossed his mind before.

'Why would I think anything else?'

'I just always thought you would have known me better than that.'

I shrug. 'I didn't know what I knew then. Everything was so different. It seemed feasible that you had changed completely and never wanted to see me again.' He opens his mouth to talk but I cut him off. 'Why didn't you try reach out though?'

He lets out a breath and his eyes fall to the ground. 'I don't know. I guess it was just one of those things where we just stopped talking and then it reached the point where we hadn't talked for so long, I almost didn't know how to.'

'We picked it up pretty well, though.' I half-smile at him. I understand exactly what he is saying. It's what has held me back from talking to the likes of Gen or Trevor ever again.

'Yeah we bonded over our struggling relationships.' I can read on Peter's face that he and Gen are still having troubles.

'Can I ask you something?' I pose the question to him.

He smirks. 'Didn't really give me a chance there, did you?' he jokes.

I roll my eyes. 'I have heard what happened from John's perspective, but now I want to know from you. What happened between the two of you?'

Peter's face registers slight shock before he starts thinking. We are interrupted by the waiter coming over with our food. I know that Peter appreciates the distraction and immediately starts biting into his wings.

'Here well go halv-sies.' He puts half of the honey and hot sauce wings on my plate, while he scapes the avocado and cheese tenders onto his plate.

'Do you want to eat first and talk later?' I peer at him , letting him know that I am not going to let my question just slide and go ignored.

'Nah I can multitask.' He admits.

I have to chuckle though because clearly he can't. We both starting eating in silence. Peter just checks in with me every so often to see if I am enjoying the chicken. The honey and hot sauce tastes delicious while I am not completely sold on the loaded chicken. Peter polishes off all of his chicken and then takes the rest of my loaded chicken when I don't touch it for a while.

'Do you ever stop eating?' I tease him.

'Nah, always need fuel to power this baby.' He flexes his bicep. I roll my eyes.

'If you say so.'

We settle into silence the only noise is us as we eat our chicken and the tables around us. Peter wipes his hands on his napkin, adding it to the pile next to him.

'You know, you can just wipe your hands once after you've finished them all.' I point out to him. He was wiping his hands on a napkin after every piece of chicken.

'But then I end up with too much stuff on my hands. If I wipe it off every time then it's a blank slate every time instead of it all just accumulating.'

'If you say so.' I repeat.

He finally piles them all on his plate and then looks at me, his face is serious. 'Ok I've done my thinking and I'm ready to talk.'

I shift on my seat and push my plate forward, preparing for what he is going to say.

'I want to point out that I don't have any ill feelings towards John at the moment. I understand why he doesn't like me and I know I have warrant to not like him, but I understand that we were both pre-teens who were just going through a lot at that time. I also know I should probably apologise to you before I go through everything as well.' He looks deeply into my eyes. I can see the same boy, who felt so sure but unsure before he kissed me. I need to rip my eyes away and remind myself that I have a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend.

'I'm sure you know more of the finite details, but basically John and I decided only one of us should see you after your mum. We couldn't decide and there were some ugly words exchanged so we came to the conclusion that neither of us would go. I tried really hard to keep my word.' His face opens up and his voice sounds raw and vulnerable. 'I really tried, but I just couldn't imagine not letting you at least know that I was there for you.'

I can see his eyes shining a little. I keep my eyes on his, not wanting to break eye contact no matter how fast my heart is beating. 'I was the closest out of all of your friends to your mum. She helped me so much that summer and I really was sad about her. I was also sad for you and I saw how you interacted with your mum and knew that her loss would be awful to you. I didn't want you to think that I didn't care or that I wasn't around, because I was. So I broke my word to John and I came and visited you.' He pauses and looks down, as he probably remembers what happened when he visited me.

'John was obviously very annoyed and upset with me. At the time, I knew that he had a massive crush on you. Despite the fact that we had kissed and you had never shown much interest in him, he still chose to like you the most and still be best friends with me at the same time. I think that maybe he thought that it was all an accident and that I was taking a step back from you, which is why he was so upset when I went to your house. He saw that I was trying to take the girl who he really liked, which wasn't my intention at all. He was the one who then told me about how much I had hurt you.' Peter pauses after he says this. He looks down at his hands, his eyes are enormous as he is sad.

'I didn't realise how much Gen was running her mouth and how she was telling everyone that we were a thing, but then John told me how you thought that I really liked her and only her. He then told me how much I had hurt you by coming over and hanging around when you thought that I was only going to end up with someone else. That I was just leading you on to cause you more pain.' He takes a moment and looks up at me, his gaze is hard. 'I am so sorry that you ever felt that way, Lara Jean. At the time, the only person who I had a crush on, the only girl I ever thought could be anything more than a friend to me was you. That was why I kissed you twice, why I hung around so much that summer and why I came over that night. When John revealed to me how much I had hurt you, I immediately regretted that all and knew that I had to fix it. I didn't know what else to do except distance myself. I wanted to talk to you. Every day I saw you at school, I wanted to come and say hi, but then I noticed that you were avoiding me as well and I figured that I had hurt you enough. Even after I got with Gen, I then noticed John and realised that he was probably not wanting me around either, since he thought that I hadn't even liked you but still wanted to play you by kissing you. I figured that he would have told you all of that and so I didn't talk to you again.'

'What side did you think I had taken?' I ask him, remembering our conversations before.

'I thought that you had taken his side and thought that if I was in your life in any way, I was just going to hurt you.'

I bring my hand to my mouth. The lump in my throat is feeling more pronounced every single second that passes. I just want to give him a hug and have him know that he never hurt me and that I knew the truth.

'Thank you for telling me and just for the record, you never hurt me.' I give him a soft smile.

'So how did my story go against McClaren?' he tries to lighten the mood.

'There it is. That turning everything into something amusing or funny coping mechanism.' I point him out.

He rolls his eyes. 'Answer the question. I actually want to know.'

I sigh. 'There is something you should know. John never knew about the kisses. He always thought when you were talking about your first kiss, it was something that you had had with Gen.'

'What? Does he know now?'

I look down guiltily. 'No, I've never told him.'

Peter leans back in his chair as he thinks over this new information. 'So he thought that I was kissing Gen and I liked her when I came to see you?'

I nod. 'I think so.'

He pauses for a moment, glancing at me every so often. 'What did you think about all this?'

I shrug. 'For the record, I knew that there was something between us. Despite everything that Gen was saying, I knew that there had to be something there. I was also glad that it was you who came to see me, because I don't know what I would have done if you didn't.' I reveal to him.

He gives me a sad smile. 'So McClaren just spoke on your behalf again and made me think that you hated me and I was hurting you, when I wasn't.'

'To be fair, I think even though he hadn't talked to me which is definitely a flaw, if he didn't know about what was between us, then he was just trying to protect me.'

'Mmmmmm.' Peter nods, he is still deep in thought. 'I had no idea.'

'Yeah, too bad we are only realising this now.' I sigh.

Peter rubs his face with his hand. 'I mean I don't think we can be friends after some of the things we said, but I don't think we have had to hate each other as much as we have. Especially when there is this missing piece of information.'

'Why wouldn't it have changed much?' I ask curiously. I think I know from what John told me but I still want to find out.

'We both said things that we didn't mean, but I know that mine had the extra edge and somehow I don't think that it's just going to disappear.' Peter pauses and sighs. 'I told John that he would never have the same approval that I had from your mum. I don't know if telling him is then going to make that worse or better.'

I sigh. 'I don't think you can control what you said and we have no idea what my mum would have thought of John now.'

We both nod. There is silence between us.

'Does that get annoying? Him always talking over you.'

I roll my eyes. 'You have no idea. Even just the last time we went to the diner, someone was talking about how my mum's anniversary was coming up soon and he practically shamed them and dragged me out of the conversation. I can't be mad because I know he had good intentions, but its just frustrating.'

Peter nods. 'Yeah that's almost as bad as Gen keeping tabs of me and telling every girl around me to go away. I think you can be mad about that though. It's been almost 3 years and he needs to step back. Not even just that but even the way he reacted when we got partnered up. Like I was mad that he was putting words into your mouth that you had no idea about, but I was also pretty pissed that he wasn't letting you speak up for yourself. Cause if there is one thing I know about you, Covey, it's that you have a very quick tongue and a loud voice when you want to.'

I feel flushed after he says this, but he gives me his beautiful smile and I have to smile back. It's like an infection that's contagious. 'I know, but I've talked to him about it and hopefully he can take it on board. It's just hard for him to see beyond his good intentions to sometimes grasp my perspective.'

He shrugs. 'You don't need to tell me, that's how Gen and I are.'

'It's not getting better, is it?'

He shakes his head hopelessly. 'She just makes me so mad sometimes. She seems to always have these high expectations of me in our relationship, but when it comes to her actually putting in effort, she never does anything.'

'That's annoying.' I deflect onto him. He looks like he needs to vent a lot about this.

'And you know those notes I was writing?' He extends his hands, leaning back on his chair. 'She hasn't even been reading them. I caught her throwing them out as soon as I gave them to her. Like who does that? She got so annoyed and pissed at me for not writing them, then when I finally do she doesn't even bother and doesn't even tell me either. I'm sick of being a puppy she can just call whenever she wants.'

'Is that the only thing she has done?' I pry.

'That's not even the worse. Even after I tried to take on your advice and actually start talking to her about things, she got annoyed because she thought I was getting too possessive and protective. Seriously, me? She is the one who doesn't let me go to any parties unless one of her minions are there. Then after I called her out on it, she starts crying about how she does feel attractive to me anymore and thinks that I don't think she is sexy, because I would rather talk to her than have sex.' Peter huffs, all the words come spilling out of him.

'That is really awful. Are you done with her?' I peer at him.

He puts his head between his hands. 'I wish I was, but somehow I just can't shake her. She always had something to say or something to do, which just pulls me right back, but I think I'm almost at breaking point.'

'You really belong to her, don't you?' I say softly.

He looks up at me and his eyes are defeated and exhausted. 'I don't want to belong to anyone.'

'Is there a difference between belonging to and belonging with someone?' I ask curiously.

He scoffs. 'One of them implies a choice. The other doesn't.'

'It's a hard thing to distinguish.'

'What do you think about you and McClaren?'

'Hmm?' I raise my eyebrows at him.

'Do you belong with him or to him?'

Now I'm leaning back on my chair. His words are hard to think about because the truth stings. At this point in my life I think I definitely belong to him. That he sees me as just someone who he has around but can control and put their ideas on, but just like Peter, I can't imagine my life without him. If I would ever consider not being with him, my mind is just brought back to all of our moments that we have spent together. I don't want to just give up on these two years as if it was nothing. I want to belong with him and feel like everything is right in the world whenever I am beside him. Somehow everything is harder to see, the line between belonging with and belonging to seems more blurred every day.

'I don't know.'

Peter nods, in this moment I can tell that he understands.

'Do you know what really is worse?' I ask him, he pops his head out from under his arms. 'I don't think either of us ever think we'd leave them though.'

He sighs. 'I know.'

I want to move on from this topic and there is something else I want to ask him. 'What did you used to see in me?' I smile at him.

He shifts awkwardly in his chair, not expecting the question. He thinks about it. 'I don't know. I mean I've always thought that you were cute and I don't think there is anyone else who teases me as much as you do, but also anyone who makes me laugh as much. I always admired how kind you were and how you used laughter as a release to make everyone feel better.' He looks at me with a smile.

'Who knew that lowering your self-esteem would make you think so highly of me!' I tease him.

He laughs. 'Your turn, what did you see in me?'

My mind wanders off. There is so much that used to make Peter feel special to me. 'I liked how genuine and kind you were, there weren't many other boys that were brave enough to put their emotions out like you did. You also had an eye for things which I liked a lot. You saw things that other people didn't, like you noticed if someone was feeling bad and would include them, if someone was upset, you'd always try cheer them up. You also always actually listened to me and would pay attention to anything I said, which was nice.'

'You always had good things to say.' He shrugs.

I let out a breath, choosing my next words carefully. 'I'm really glad we got to work together on this project and I'm sorry I didn't come and try talk to you sooner.'

He nods understandingly. 'Me too, it would have been nice having you around this last few years.'

Silence falls between us and someone comes to collect our plates. Our assignment is going to be due soon, but somehow I know that it won't be the end of the friendship that me and Peter have forged together.

 _A/N: Woooooo! Update! I wasn't actually going to post this today, I was going to leave it a little longer but decided that I should! I am so thrilled how you guys have reacted to John and I hope you like hearing about Peter's perspective!_

 _Just a spoiler, the confrontation between John and Peter is happening in the next chapter so GET KEEN! I'm trying to write two chapters ahead of it all so the story makes sense so can definitely say the next one is spicy!_

 _I love hearing all the theories and feedback! I know that these chapters aren't as long as my other fanfic, but I think they make a bit more sense and one event is happening in one chapter. I just want to say that you guys have NO IDEA what's in store for the future! That's literally what is keeping me writing so fast, because I am so excited to get to the good parts!_

 _As usual any favourite follow or review is massively appreciated! Can we try reach 30 for this chapter! Because that would honestly make my day so much! xxx_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

'Lara Jean, are you almost ready?' John calls up the stairs to me.

I am leaning up against the mirror, trying to put on mascara so that it doesn't go against my eyelids. This is just about my third attempt at trying. I think it looks fine after a while, then put on my jacket. I am wearing a floaty dress with a boat neck covered in patterns of pastel flowers. I haven't worn it before, but Margot had given it to me when she found it in her closet and realised that she wasn't going to wear it anytime soon and if I didn't want it, she was going to give it to goodwill. Luckily she and I are particularly the same size, excluding the chest area (unfortunately for me) and the dress is completely cohesive with my style. I managed to convince Kitty to do a braid crown for me as well. I think it is the perfect outfit for Stormy's birthday dinner. I grab my bag which I have stuffed my denim jacket into, because John and I are planning on going to one of his friend's parties after, so I am hoping that it will dress me down a bit so I don't stand out too much.

'Coming!" I yell back to him. Margot and him are already waiting downstairs for me.

'Took your time.' Margot frowns.

I shake my head. It wasn't my fault that suddenly Margot wanted me to curl her hair which meant that I had less time to get ready then I had initially planned.

'You look great.' John smiles at me. Things have slowly been mending between us. I think we need a few more weeks with no other bumps in the road and we will be ok.

I am sitting in the passenger seat and John reaches over to grab my hand. He knows that I am slightly nervous. He has told me that his entire extended family are going to be there tonight and they have already heard a lot about me and are excited to meet me. I started overthinking about how they are going to have high expectations and worrying about if they are going to think I am enough for John, so my hands are shaking. Margot has said that she'll be there to save me from any scathing conversations, not that she thinks there will be any, so that calms me a little. She originally wasn't going to come, but after I found out how much of John's family were going to be there, I had to beg her to come so I could have someone to talk to. John, for all his great qualities, is still growing into himself and his communication and social skills. I think sometimes he expects me to slot into the conversation, instead of giving me a boost into it and some way of bringing me in. It's fine if it's at a party and I have other people to talk to or help me out, but I was quite hesitant to assume the same thing would happen with his family tonight.

'So just an FYI, my Aunt Susan is pregnant and is about 6 months along so feel free to ask her about it. My Uncle Frank just split from his wife, so maybe stray from that topic and he also just lost his job, so stick to sports if you can with him. I know that you both enjoy hanging out with Stormy, but my family can be a little possessive of her, so make sure to let them speak with her as well otherwise they might get a bit annoyed.' He squeezes my hand as he looks over at me.

'That's all very good things to know. Can I ask what you have told them about me?' I peer at him, still feeling slightly nervous.

We pull up at a stop light. He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. Margot stays quiet for once in the backseat instead of screaming 'ewwwwwww' like all of us do if anyone do PDA in front of us. John can tell that I'm nervous which is why he is acting so sweet.

'Don't worry. I told them that you are one of the most beautiful and most intelligent girls that they are ever going to meet. They know how sweet you are and how hard you work at everything. They will absolutely remember you as well from the time you baked my family cookies for Christmas, because not a single family occasion has passed without at least 5 of them asking if I had brought any more cookies from that incredibly talented baker. Even if that's not enough, I know that Stormy has spent hours raving about you and how lovely you are to talk to and how creative and committed you are to them at Belleview. Trust me, everyone in my family already loves you.'

I let out a breath feeling slightly more relieved. In the back of my head, a concern about his parents and siblings wiggles inside. I have to think about what has happened over the last month and if he has told them. Margot and Kitty are well aware that John and I are having issues, Margot knowing more than Kitty does and even Daddy has mentioned a few times how he has been seeing John less and reassuring me that he was available to talk whenever I wanted. I wonder if it's a girl thing to take home the problems with relationships. I think about Peter though and how he would look down and see Gen texting him. The tension in his jaw and the sadness in his eyes always gave away that they were having problems. Even just the way asking a single questions about her would usually morph into him venting quite a bit or at least huffing and letting it known that he was annoyed. Is that how John would have been acting the last few weeks? I don't know what I would do if his parents suddenly walk up to me and call me on hanging with Peter, after John had tried to protect me from being hurt and gone on about what a bad guy he was. John and Peter haven't discussed their fight with any more after our conversations. I know that it is really going to hurt John if we do tell him about me and Peter, but I also know that it is hurting Peter that John thinks of him as such a bad guy and that John still thinks that he has done the right thing by assuming what is hurting me and trying to protect me. Peter had mentioned to me that night that maybe one of the main reasons why John keeps defaulting to going over my head is because he is so convinced that by doing that he did the right thing with Peter and so it was what he knew as doing the right thing for me as it had worked once before. Maybe that's why he didn't want to stop it, because he was so convinced that it had protected me from Peter and how John thought he was hurting me. I am thankful that Peter said he had Lacrosse tonight so he won't be at the same party that John and I are going to.

'Ok here we are.' John pulls out the front of massive house which has light turned on everywhere.

'What? Who's house is this?' Margot squeals from the back seat.

'A friend of my dad's owns this house and said we could use it for Stormy.' He gives my hand one last squeezes before he gets out.

Both Margot and I are still in awe of the house as we get out of his car. I can't stop looking up and seeing how many levels it is and how beautiful it looks. It is a crisp white colour with black accents around the windows. The glass is almost a clear blue that reminds me of the water down at the local swimming pool. There is a path of tiles leading up to a Maplewood door which is lined with perfectly trimmed hedges. On either side of the hedges there are also small patches of garden that are filled with gorgeous flowers. I look down and see some dandelions, violets, sunflowers and so many more that I can't recognise. I take a moment to take it all in. It really is beautiful. I could never imagine living in a place so big though. The quiet that fills so many gaps in a big house freaks me out a little. I prefer to have a small space filled with the voices of my loved ones, instead of a big one filled with strangers. I have always had this belief ever since I fell in love with the Great Gatsby and truly realised and understood how big houses and rich purchases don't always fill the voids we have of loneliness.

John opens the door and immediately runs in. 'We're here!' he announces.

A whole bunch of his little cousins come running over to him. He tries to introduce them to us, by between them all jumping around and switching places, I have little to no idea which kid matches which name, so just wave at them all. We make our way up the grand staircase to where the rest of the family is gathered. Stormy is standing up with a frilly white dress on that of course reaches to the middle of her thigh.

'Lara Jean! Margot!' she opens her arms to greet us.

'Stormy.' We both say, going over to her.

'You look incredible.' I say at the same time, Margot says 'I love your dress.'

'I know I know, I am the best looking at this party tonight. Margot, you look fantastic! I have been talking all about you to my daughter, here Lauren, have you met Margot?' Stormy waves over Lauren and urges her and Margot to start conversing.

Then she grabs my hand and brings me in close. 'Lara Jean, you didn't have any say in this planning did you?'

I shake my head. 'None at all. I'm actually lucky to even have gotten invitied.'

'I thought so, because I saw that there were no eligible bachelors here and I knew that if you had planned it, you would at least have given me a few men to swoon over instead of just my family.'

I have to chuckle at Stormy. She was always seeking the attention and validation of others particularly the men around her. I had mentioned that her party should involve some male strippers or at least topless bartenders, she thought it was an amazing idea so I can sense why she is so disappointed to not even have any clothed men around who aren't her family.

'Oh my Johnny is beckoning you. I'll chat with you later.' She whispers in my ear and then send me off towards John.

She ushers me away to where John is standing surrounded by a lot of his family. I stand behind him, trying to get into the conversation, but he doesn't really acknowledge me much from giving me a slight glance. It was the way that I was standing behind him that didn't really allow me to be in the conversation, he didn't make much of an effort to turn around and include me as well. I just stood behind him laughing as his family and him would tell jokes, and try smile and join in. I saw Margot still talking with his Aunt and I made a quick getaway towards her.

'So where are you thinking of going? I've been over to the United Kingdom a few times and have taught some lectures at those universities so I might be able to give you some input.' His Aunt was saying to Margot.

'I was looking at Trinity college in Dublin, but now I am also considering some places in Scotland.' Margot tells her.

'Trinity is great but I am not particularly sure if it's going to be great for anthropology, if that's your degree. I think some spots in Scotland have a much higher rank.'

'Really? Yeah I was admiring all the hills and countryside where the University was.'

'They are even better in person. You'll need to be over there during the summer to truly get an appreciation for it all.'

'I know, I was already excited to have internship and even volunteer in some places over there.'

I resumed my position of nodding and smiling along with the conversation, waiting for Margot to bring me in but she was getting so passionate and excited about finally having someone to talk to that I can't feel bad or upset that she is too preoccupied. I am really happy that she finally has someone to talk about this, but the more I hear about it, the more it worries me. Now she is actually thinking about it and it's all becoming real. Even as she talks about taking internships over the summer, the voices telling me how great this is for her is being drowned out by the panic that she won't be home and she won't come see us. I know that his Aunt is well travelled, but that's because his family isn't like our family. They all adore attention, as much as I love Stormy, she has never been much for family time spent together instead of having her own experiences. That's who she is, but it's not who we are and it scares me to think that Margot might be like that. She'll be living her own life exploring the world without us and not coming home. My thoughts are totally irrational, which I recognise, but one more moment hanging around her is just going to cause them to amplify. I take an escape to the bathroom to have some time to breath.

Everything feels so overwhelming, being in a house filled by people that I don't know and not having people to talk to who I rely on. I know that once I get into a conversation then it's smooth sailing from there, but it is all building up in my head and I need a moment to myself. My mind wanders, for a moment I want John to come in. I want him to look around and notice that I am not there and come to me wanting to help, but I am sure he won't. It's not him. I whip my head back trying to ride these thoughts from my mind. I shouldn't be constantly trying to find flaws in him and be thinking about the things that aren't working, if we are going to get through all this then it is going to happen when we are both trying to take positive steps towards each other. I can't constantly be thinking about what I wish he was doing, instead of appreciating what he is actually doing. I finally get up the courage to wander outside again. I look around for John until his mum points down the stairs. I give her a grateful nod and follow them down. I open a few doors and can't find them, but then I hear a scream from a room and go to that door. When I burst through I see John and his cousins all around a television playing xbox.

'Hey Lara Jean, come play with us.' John calls me over.

I walk over to step beside him on the couch. 'What are you playing?' I ask. I sometimes play some with John, we used to play heaps when we were kids.

'Call of Duty. Here have a go.'

I slot in between his cousin and him and start playing. It is fun, but then the cousins all start getting a little rowdy. John doesn't notice, but they keep leaning in and telling me what to do or teasing me if I do something bad. It becomes a bit much for me to handle so I put down my controller and leave. I do like Xbox whenever John and I would play it, but not enough to be playing over those kids who know it better than I do. I would have preferred to just help John or have him on my team, instead of making me take one of their spots. My heart is beating faster after this whole confrontation, I really don't like being in situation where people are shoving me and yelling at me what to do, particularly when I don't know them well and I am already on edge. I make my way upstairs, praying that Margot might be finished talking about Europe and even John's mum may be free to talk. Both of them are still deep in conversation, but I notice Stormy on the couch with one of the grandchildren playing on their phone next to her as she talks. I slide in and sit next to her, which makes the kid leave. She smiles up at me.

'Lara Jean, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.' She hugs me.

'I know, I've just had a bit history assignment due lately.' I inform her.

'Yes, that's the one that Johnny has been stressing about.' I have to wonder what she means exactly my him stressing about it. Is he stressing about the content in it or about me being with Peter for it?

'Yeah it's quite challenging.'

'You don't seem like yourself lately, is there something on your mind?' she peers at me.

'No nothing.'

'Let me guess, boy drama?'

'We are talking about your grandchild here, I don't want to mention anything.'

She laughs. 'Oh Lara Jean, of course you can tell me! As much as I love Johnny I believe that a woman should never only have one man until he puts a ring on it.'

'I'm not sure that's how it works nowadays.'

'You need to be more relaxed and casual. Johnny won't be your one for your life. I would never want to wish that upon you. You need to get out there and see what the greatest guy out there is for you, and never stop until you know for sure.'

'I hope that John and I can last a while.' I make one last attempt to hold my façade. The last thing I need is for Stormy to go off gossiping to John's family about how we are going through a rocky patch and how I don't think he is going to be the one for me.

Stormy shakes her head and points her finger at me. 'Never say no, when you really want to say yes. Remember that.'

I nod with her. 'Thank you. I won't. How is your party going?'

She rolls her eyes. 'I feel like everyone is just obligated to be here to see me. I miss the days when people came to see me because they had the burning desire to and they couldn't sleep without seeing me.'

'Were they all men?'

Stormy gives me a sly smile. 'Maybe.'

I peer at the gorgeous gold necklace around her neck which has a dragonfly charm on the end. 'Who gave you that necklace?'

'Oh this old thing. This was given to me by a man named Wilson.'

'What's his story?' I sit back, looking at her thoughtfully. I really love hearing about all of her stories about the young men who fell for her and gave her jewellery which she always treasured and usually boasted about having.

'I meant him at a dance. It was the first time that I had seen anyone like him. I wasn't usually interested in men like him. He had darker hair and a sharp jawline, though his cheeks were still rather chubby. All the girls wanted him and boy, he was flirting up a storm. I grew quite annoyed at him. Probably because he wasn't noticing me and because he just thought he was the top of the town. He split his drink on my shoes and started being so gentlemanly and flirtatious and I completely rejected it. Called him a clumsy slob who had two left feet and butter fingers. I think that is what drew him in. He followed me for the rest of the evening, until I was ready to leave, then he insisted on walking me home. We talked and talked as we walked home. I think we got lost a few times as we were so deep in conversation with each other, but it was nice. He even tried to kiss me when I got home, but I knew my mother and father were going to be peeking out of the window so I rejected him. It wasn't until a few weeks later when I was starting my job at the candy shop, that I realised that he worked there. We got stuck together for so many shifts and eventually we got to know each other. I gradually let him in and he kissed me. We were convinced we would run away together, but then he got drafted for the war. We gave me this necklace as a reminder of what we had and what we would have in the future. I never saw him again and definitely learnt not to let men go that deep into my feelings again, but I will always remember him because of this.' She gently touches the necklace.

'It's funny how so much can change in a single night.' I say to her. For some reason, the night that Peter and I finally crossed paths comes to my mind and how that completely changed this entire semester.

'The night is always the beginning of amazing journeys, I think.' She pats my hand. 'Ah, Johnny is back.'

John walks over to me and puts his arm around me when he sits down. 'Are you ready to go?'

'Are you leaving already?' Stormy gives me a sad look.

'Sorry Grandma, we have another event to go to.' John tells her.

I give Stormy one last big hug and talk her for her words and stories. She makes me promise to come back to Belleview soon which I do. Then John is dragging me out towards his car. We get in and he puts his keys into the ignition.

'Thank gosh that's over.' He sighs, 'I thought it would never end.'

'That's not a nice thing to say.' I snap at him. He had been having a ball all night, relishing in all of the attention from his family before hiding away and playing xbox.

'You don't have a family like mine, you don't get it.'

'You shouldn't dismiss me like that.' There is an edge to my voice.

'I'm not dismissing you, I'm simply pointing out that I don't think you understand.'

'And I am saying that I don't appreciate you telling me that.'

'Why are you picking a fight with me?'

'So it's my fault that you belittle me so much?' The anger bubble in my stomach is growing slightly. How overwhelmed I felt while in the house is needing some release.

'It's your fault that you don't understand why I am glad to be leaving an awfully boring family function.'

'You found it awfully boring?'

'Yeah I had to talk to my whole family before entertaining my little cousins.'

'You hardly even talked to Stormy!'

'I talk to her almost every week. I can't let her completely gawk my ears off with all of her weird stories.'

'You'll regret saying all of this when she is gone.'

John sighs. He doesn't want to continue with this topic. 'Can we please go to this party and have a god time? I don't want to fight.'

I sigh as well. 'How long are we going to keep sweeping everything under the rug?'

'I don't know.' He swoops his hair out of his face. 'Just for at least tonight.'

I go quiet. I can't really argue back and I don't want to cause more drama between us so I just leave it.

It's when I arrive at this party that I finally feel like I have a chance to feel like myself. It's the bottling up of these frustrated emotions which is really getting to me. Having to constantly keep smiling at people and laugh as if everything is fine when in reality my skin is crawling at how uncomfortable I am and how much I just wanted to get out of there. I know Chris is at this party so this gives me some hope that she will be able to take my attention away from this and allow me to calm down a little. John spots a group of friends to talk to as soon as he walks in. I let him go not wanting to follow him and hang behind him while he talks which is what has been happening this whole evening. I got searching for Chris, I finally see that she is out near the pool, hooking up with some junior. I just roll my eyes, I know Chris to death and I'm glad she looks like she is having a good time, but I wish she could have chose any other time to hook up with someone. I need her to agree that John is being awful and say enough bad things that I feel guilty and then start not feeling this horrible towards him. I am considering waiting around and standing nearby in case she finishes hooking up with this dude and needs an escape but then it just gets uncomfortable so I turn in my heel to go back inside. As soon as I get over the threshold I hear someone call out my name, or rather my nickname, actually only one person calls me by that.

'Covey!'

I see Peter holding his arms out, a red cup is in his hands. I barely have a chance to call back his name before he has me in a hug and is spinning me around.

'What are you doing?' I yelp out.

'We're spinning!' he exclaims excitedly. Somehow he manages to snake his arms under me and boost me so I am hanging over his shoulder. I keep screaming but I can't hide my smile or laughter, it honestly makes me forget about this whole night.

'Put me down' I say playfully, hitting my hands against his back.

'What's the magic word?' he stops spinning me but keeps holding me above the ground. His voice is all sing-songy. I can tell that he is definitely more tipsy than I have ever seen him before.

'Kavinsky, put her down!' I hear John's voice, it isn't too loud but it is very blunt and to the point.

He puts me down and turns to John. No one has really noticed the confrontation about to take place as they are all quite preoccupied with their own conversations and the music which is filling the air.

'John, it's just a joke.' I tell him.

'Whatever it is, he better now do it again.' He says to me, though aiming his words at Peter.

Peter is glaring at John. 'Why don't you let her speak for herself, McClaren? Actually give her a chance to say something that she means before you dump your opinions and assumptions on the people around her.'

'Peter…' I warn him, though I am glad someone is finally saying this, but I didn't want it to happen like this.

'What are you talking about?' John spits at him. He isn't much shorter than Peter, but their builds are quite different.

'Let me think.' He pretends to scratch his head, which infuriates John even more. 'That day when you went crying to the teacher about Covey not wanting to work with me when we were both pretty excited to be together is one example. There was a whole waitress thing that she told me about as well.' Peter swirls his finger towards me.

John is now glowering at me. 'Did you tell him about that?'

'Yeah to check that it was valid for me to be upset about it, which it was.' I defend myself. I refuse to let him be the victim of all of this, when he had left me feeling like I had no idea what was going wrong and he was being the perfect boyfriend.

Peter then looks at John. 'Then let's not forget the whole scenario that started this thing. How you just assumed that I wasn't into Covey and that my first kisses, yes kisses not kiss, were with Gen, then told me about how upset she was and hurt by me when in reality she felt the same way.'

I let out a gasp as I see John's face fall. 'You told him!' he growls at me. 'How could you do that? When I finally come clean to you about something I had been keeping from you for so long, you ran your mouth straight to him.'

'But John, you two just had a miscommunication and a misunderstanding.' I reason with him. If I hadn't told Peter, then we wouldn't have realised where this all went wrong.

'So you thought that you would just try fix it all and bring us together. How dare you, Lara Jean? Why couldn't you have just left it?' He raises his voice louder at me. I can feel tears in my eyes.

'You didn't know the full truth. Peter wasn't the guy you thought he was.'

'Really? Why was that?'

Peter decides to speak up. He comes up behind John as he talks. 'I never hurt Covey.'

John looks at him confused. 'Yes you did! You had your first kisses with Gen and you liked Gen while you were leading Lara Jean on and going to her house to comfort her. I actually liked her and should have gone instead.'

'Did you not hear a word I said? Were you too busy getting mad? Gen wasn't my first kiss. Lara Jean was my first kiss. My first kisses, actually. I always liked her in seventh grade which is why I went. I'm sorry that you didn't know that but I always assumed that you knew. I assumed you had realised after the summer before that we had something and that I wasn't as into Gen, as Gen raved on about.'

'Then why did you stop talking to Lara Jean, huh?' John raises his eyebrows trying to prove his point.

'Because of your dumbass, and how you told me that she thought I had hurt her! You lied about her thinking that I liked Gen, because she never thought that as she knew I liked her and guess what she liked me too.' Peter gives a little bow as if he has finished proving his point.

John looks at me. It's a death stare and I can feel the daggers in his eyes. 'Is this true?'

I nod, there are too many emotions in my head. 'It happened three years ago though. It's different now.'

'Yeah it is different which is why I don't get why you are bringing this up. So what Peter and I had a misunderstanding? You just have to try and fix everything don't you. The world can't always be blue skies and sunny days, I thought you would have learnt as much when your mum died.' John snaps.

My face falls, all the tears threatening to spill pour down my face. I think John realises what he has said and he turns on his heel and walks out. I don't know how long I stand there for, but I feel arms around me.

'Covey, I'm so sorry.' Peter says.

I turn into him and hug him. Sobs come straight out of my mouth. I don't know what happens but I feel us moving. Peter has his arm around me as he takes me upstairs. The sobs are still coming out and the tears are falling. We end up on a bed and he pulls me close. He rubs my back and shushes me.

'It's ok.' 'I'm so sorry.' 'I'm sure he didn't mean it. 'Shush, don't cry.' 'I know.' Are the phrases that he alternates between as he comforts me.

I feel my shoulders shaking against him as I cry more. All of these emotions are just pouring out of me and I can't stop them. This night has been such a disaster and I don't know what is going to happen between John and I. I eventually stop sobbing and the tears stop.

Peter leans into me and whispers. 'I am so sorry. I shouldn't have provoked him like that and that wasn't my place to act that way at all.'

I sniffle and try to pull myself together. 'No it's ok. I should have told him about all of that earlier.'

He gives me a small smile. 'Your makeup has run a lot.' He advises me comfortingly.

He moves his hands up to my face and strokes away some of my tears. I notice that his thumb is covered in some black residue, so I assume that he is getting rid of the mascara running as well. He is concentrating a lot on getting rid of all the stains under my eyes. For the moment it feels nice just having someone hold up my head and make sure I don't look like too much of a mess.

'Do I look presentable?' I ask him.

He gives me a goofy smile, reaches up and tightens the scrunchie which has almost lost all of it's ponytail. Then he pinches me noses and says 'Honk!'

I can tell that despite sobering up a little bit, the tipsiness is still there. I laugh at him, it's feels nice to laugh a little.

'You ready, Rabbit Eyes?'

'Rabbit eyes?' I look at him weirdly.

'Yes your eyes are all puffy and red, you look like a rabbit. Honk!' he pinches my nose again and smiles at me.

'Wow, what a stellar compliment.' I remark sarcastically.

'You're welcome.' He gets to his feet and goes to the door.

'Are you always like this when you are drunk?' I peer at him.

'Like this? You mean super funny and crazy fun. Yes I am!' he smiles.

'I mean incredibly annoying.'

'As opposed to how I usually am?'

'True you are always annoying, but just more so when you are drunk.'

'What can I say? You bring out a particular side of me.'

'Yeah, what side is that?'

He lies down and puts his head in my lap. 'My fun side! I like how we tease each other. I do have to say I don't think anyone hands my ass to me in the same way that you do.'

I lightly stroke his hair. It feels so intimate, but so comforting at the same time. It's like this room is a little bubble, where we can just tease each other and joke around, not worrying about all of the problems outside.

He reaches his hand up and goes for my nose again. 'Honk!'

'Are you going to do that all night?' I try to scowl at him but I can't hide my smile at how adorably cute he is.

'Maybe, why don't you tell me a bedtime story and I'll stop.' He grins, closing his eyes and snuggling against my leg.

'You do know that you have a girlfriend, right?' I remind him.

He pouts. 'Yeah but she isn't as cute and quirky as you.'

'Cute and quirky?' Now I am feeling a little insulted. Those are the two words that are usually combined with a word of a higher standard when describing someone. Like intelligent and cute or beautiful and quirky, together is just two negatives.

'Mmmmm, why do you think I had such a crush on you in middle school?' his eyes are still closed.

'Why didn't you ever tell me?' I brush away his hair from his face. He looks so innocent and carefree, not as though he is worried about someone spying on him or about his problems with Gen.

'I'm more of a walk the walk kinda guy.' He wiggles his eyebrows and opens his eyes to wink at me.

'Aren't you at all thinking about what just happened with John?' I ask him.

He shrugs. 'I said everything I needed to say and I am sure that it'll still be a problem tomorrow so why worry about it now.'

As much as I want to stay here in this room with Peter, I know that I have to go. I know whatever this is, it's something that he probably won't remember tomorrow and something I can never tell anyone about.

I reach down and do the exact same thing he has been doing to me. 'Honk! We better go.'

He scowls at me, narrowing his eyes until they are like slits. He growls for a bit and then jumps to his feet. 'Ok!' I have to laugh at how quickly his mood changes.

He brings me downstairs and we stand by each other for a while. He keeps me talking to other people and it's nice to be distracted. He keeps honking my nose though which gets incredibly annoying. I am mid-swatting his hand away when he feels his phone vibrating. He pulls it out of his pocket and looks down at the screen, I don't mistake the name 'Gen.' He picks it up and I can even hear her drunk voice through the phone.

He sighs. 'I think..' he starts.

'Go, I'm ok.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah.'

He puts his arm around me one last time and gives me a comforting squeeze before he is answering his phone and walking out of the door. I turn around and see Chris stumbling towards me.

'Was that Peter Kavinsky you were standing with?' she asks, looking at me dizzily.

'Yep.'

'How did that happen?'

'I'll tell you later. Can we go?'

'I thought you'd never ask.' She sighs.

I then let her lean her full weight on my shoulder as we struggle out of the house and get an uber home. I fall straight to sleep as soon as I hide my bed covers. I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted and as Peter says, all the problems are all still going to exist tomorrow.

 _A/N: Hello! Here is the confrontation as promised! I hope you all love and enjoy it! I know that John isn't really being shown in the best light in this story, but for me, I think it has more to do with that he is still trying to be protective of Lara Jean and he really doesn't like Peter who he can see she is getting closer with. He'll definitely have some better moments in the future, so don't worry he will be somewhat redeemed!_

 _I hope you all love this chappy! The next one isn't super dramatic, but the one after it is! So I'm considering maybe even posting both chapters on the same day! But let me know if you'd rather I didn't, and just stick with the one chapter per day so everyone can appreciate it!_

 _Indeed this story is definitely a slow burn, but like I say, it'll all be worth it in the end!_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

It's funny how things can change so quickly yet be over after a fleeting moment. How one simple coincidence can change so much that happens in your life. That's what I am thinking about as Peter and I sit at our dining table, going through the final pages of our history assignment. Before we had this assignment, there was so much that I didn't know about him and so much that I didn't know about myself. I had no idea the connection that we had through our emotions or how it would feel to have someone understand you. I also was so naïve to what had happened between us. I had found myself wondering over the last few days what would have happened if we hadn't have had all of those bumps? What if John never told him that he was hurting me? What if Peter had told John about our kisses and his crush on me? I like to imagine that Peter and John would still be the best of friends, constantly slapping each other on the back and always hanging out together. Maybe even Peter and I would still be close and would have shared so many more moments. It's a nice fantasy to have, but deep down, I realise that it wouldn't have happened. Peter would have gotten tired of not being able to be popular or go to as many parties, he probably would have realised what he and Gen had then left us for dead. John might have even dated someone else entirely and I would just be left fantasising about everything.

'Does this part look good?' Peter interrupts my thoughts pointing to a section of the report.

I read through it and make a few changes to the grammar. 'That's good now.' I pass the paper back to him.

There was some tension between us. We hadn't ever talked about what happened at the party over a week ago. We went back to school and pretended nothing had happened. John and I were giving each other more of the cold shoulder, as we both agreed that we just needed some space to work this all out. I am assuming that Peter and I won't talk about it at all. Our assignment is due tomorrow and then we will have little to nothing to do with each other again, so it's hardly even worth it. It'll all just be swept under the rug, along with everything else.

'Honest opinion, do you actually think this is going to do good?' Peter asks me, there is some uncertainty on his face.

'I don't know for sure. But I can't think of much more we could have done. That's the only metric I really look at when handing in school work.' I answer him, my attention still on editing our papers.

He sighs. 'I don't know how you do this. I don't think I have ever been this stressed about school work before.'

'How come?' I am trying to multitask by reading and talking to him but it is a struggle.

'I've always just expected a C or D so it hasn't really been anything to worry about, because I never put in too much effort, but now like I really want to do well.'

'Maybe this is a new leaf for you?'

'Probably not, can't be tainting my reputation.' He puffs his chest out.

I ignore him, not wanting to go through the whole nerd teasing.

'Though if I had a tutor, maybe I would be willing to get into this whole studying thing.' He hints leaning closer to me.

'I'm sure you could find a junior or senior maybe to tutor you. They are always looking for extra cash before college.' I write over a couple of words to fix their spelling.

'Wouldn't you tutor me?'

I scoff. 'I'm too expensive for you.'

'Really? What makes you think that?'

'Do you realise how high maintenance you are?' I tease him, though his grin falters for a moment.

'Oh in comparison to you?'

'I'm not even close to your level.'

'I'm sorry who has been insisting that I have absolutely no free time since we got this assignment.'

'Please! You had plenty of free time. That's on your time management skills if you couldn't find any.'

'Time management is a sign of being high maintenance.'

'No it's a sign of being organised and productive, you should try it.'

He grumbles something under his breath.

'Sorry, what was that? You need to pronounce your words if you want me to understand them.' I mock him.

'I'm going to be really glad when this assignment is over and I can finally have some self-esteem back.' He teases though there is an edge to his voice.

I let out a big pretend sigh and for the first time, look him start in his eyes. 'Here I thought you enjoyed working with me.'

I can see hesitation in his eyes. He isn't sure whether I am joking from my voice or if the way I'm looking at him means that I am hurt by what he has said. I'm a mixture of both to be honest, but I don't want him to know that.

'Lara Jean! What type of pizza do you want?' I hear Kitty yell out and then her feet scampering away from the door.

She gets into the room and stops in her tracks when she sees Peter. 'How's this?' she asks me, her eyes drop as she goes shy around him.

'I'm Peter, you're Kitty right? I've seen you at a few swimming meets, you're like a dolphin!' He says to her brightly.

'No, I'm a shark.' She argues back.

'Ok Shark it is. You knew sharks are thought to be the only dinosaurs around today.'

'I know. They also can't swim backwards.'

'Really? Huh, I didn't know that. How do you know that?'

'I saw it in a documentary.'

'You watch documentaries?' I see Peter give me a knowing look, probably thinking Kitty and I are similar with our smart interests.

'No, I prefer HBO shows.'

'Game of Thrones?'

'Yep.'

'Westworld?'

'Of course.'

'You know I think we might get on even better than Lara Jean and I do.' Peter smiles at her.

'Really?' Kitty asks brightly sitting up at the table with us.

Peter nods eagerly. 'Of course, do you know how long I have waiting to find someone to talk to about Game of Thrones? Everyone else I know still isn't up to date.'

'Oh no, I watch it on demand.' Kitty boasts.

'Wow that's awesome. I just get it online usually.' He grins at Kitty and I notice she blushes a little, something which happens often to girls who see Peter's dazzling smile.

'Ok before you two get deep into conversation about that fairy and dwarf porn show, Peter do you want to stay for dinner? Daddy isn't home for dinner tonight so we are getting pizza.' I ask Peter, interrupting their conversation.

He looks a little shocked that I have asked him to stay given that I have never asked him before. He is probably wondering about his place in all of this as well since usually only boyfriends stay for dinner, but Kitty seems to enjoy his company and I don't mind having him around especially since Daddy isn't home to interrogate him.

'Um yeah I'd love to. Also Game of Thrones is an Emmy-Winning television show watched by millions, judgey eyes!' He exclaims, his smile seems to grow a little wider.

'Ok I'll tell Margot you're staying for dinner and sorry my opinion still doesn't change, so you two can resume your chatter.' I pretend to wave my hands at them so they have permission to start talking about their shows again.

As I go into the kitchen, I hear Peter and Kitty talking quickly and loudly about things that have happened on Game of Thrones. I have never watched the show aside from walking in on Kitty watching it and witnessing some very steamy scenes that I would have preferred not to have ever seen. Kitty doesn't really get to talk about it with anyone as we all chastise her for watching such a show at a young age instead of engaging with her.

I text Margot our orders and add an extra pizza for Peter. I know for a fact that he will be able to demolish one and more if he puts his mind to it. I don't mention that Peter is staying for dinner, as I know Margot will likely disapprove, but I reason that Josh is coming for dinner tonight, so there is no reason that Peter can't stay as well. I wait in the kitchen for her to reply until I hear Kitty squeal'

'Kitty, what's wrong?' I say running to the living room where she and Peter are.

'It's all good.' Peter says, though he has Kitty by her ankles and is holding her upside down.

'Lara Jean! Tell him to put me down.' Kitty tries to get out through all of her giggles.

'Apologise for saying that Fight Club is one of the worst movies of all time!' Peter commands her.

'Are you kidding? It sucks! It's all the same person anyway!' Kitty shrieks.

'That's a spoiler.' Peter holds her ankles in one hand and starts tickling her stomach with the other, which causes her to squeal.

'Sorry not sorry!' she teases, her face is starting to turn red from being upside down and laughing so hard.

Then Peter flips her up and puts her on the couch then goes all out on the tickles. She starts screaming. '

'You surrender?' Peter teases.

'Fine! Fight club doesn't suck.' Kitty concedes, as she is laughing so hard as Peter is getting her more vulnerable spots.

'Much better.' Peter sits down next to her.

She reaches out and hits him, then he hits her back and soon they are cat-fighting again. That's my cue to step in.

'Kitty, stop manhandling out guest.' I scowl at her.

'Yeah Kitty!' Peter mocks her.

'He's hardly a guest.' Kitty argues.

Peter pretends to gasp and look offended. 'This is my first time properly meeting you and this is how you treat me!'

'You hung me upside down by my ankles!'

'Still not the same.' Peter shakes his head at her.

I can tell from the way that Kitty is looking at him, that she is besotted with his charm and his coolness. John and Josh definitely aren't the coolest or most popular people around, but Peter gets close, which is why she probably enjoying being near him so much. From what I have heard, Owen is definitely the talk of the town between her friends. I almost always catch them gawking at him when he walks past them at the swimming meets. Though like Peter, I can tell that he loves the attention.

'Is John coming for dinner?' she asks me, turning away from Peter.

'I don't think so.' I answer guiltily to her.

She lets out a sigh of relief. 'Good.'

'Kitty!'

'Do you not like John either?' Peter asks her excitedly. 'I think I found my new favourite Covey!' He reaches up for a high five from Kitty.

'Yeah!' she high fives him back.

'Hey, that's my boyfriend.' I glare at them both. 'Kitty, you shouldn't say that about someone who I love and Peter, I don't go off about your psycho girlfriend, so lay off mine.'

Peter looks guilty. He knows that I definitely have plenty to say when it comes to Gen and I wouldn't be afraid to say it, but I don't because I know that those two have enough problems of their own and I don't need to make it any worse.

'Why don't you like John, Kitty?' Peter asks her. I know that now he is just curious instead of trying to get on her good side and bash him out for the sake of it.

'I mean I don't mind him.' She reluctantly admits. 'He just always treats me like a little kid. Like he just tries to act like a protective big brother, which is fine but sometimes it's a bit much.'

Peter gives me a knowing look. I roll my eyes. So my little sister is having the same frustrations with my boyfriend that I am having. I hate to have this staring at me in the face.

'That's probably because he's trying to be the big brother that he wanted his older brothers to be.' I advise Kitty who gives a begrudging nod.

Peter scoffs. 'Little brothers are for making fun of and teasing, anything else means the family is probably hiding some dark secret or they're in a cult or something.'

'Do you have a little brother?' Kitty asks, innocently. I narrow my eyes at her. She knows exactly who Peter's little brother is, she is probably playing dumb so he can reveal details about Owen.

'Yeah, Owen I think he's a grade or two above you.'

'What's he like?'

Peter scoffs again. 'Nothing special, don't worry. He's more interested in video games than anything else.'

Kitty keeps leaning over and hanging onto every words that he says.

'Kitty, stop trying to stalk Peter's brother, so you can tell your friends about him.' I tell her.

Her jaw drops open and her face goes red. 'That's not what I was doing.' She squeaks.

'What? Why would your friends want to know about him?' Peter sits up and asks.

'Ummmm..' Kitty plays with a thread on her shirt, when it doesn't look like she is going to answer, I pipe up.

'Her friends are all obsessed with him. Apparently the entire middle school is.' I tell him.

'What? Owen? Why?' Peter has a disgusted look on his face.

'He is so good-looking, he's awesome at swimming and have you seen him strut down the corridor? I swear I could faint at how cool he looks.' Kitty runs her mouth.

Peter lets out a massive laugh. 'What? Owen? That scrawny kid who can barely hold a conversation with anyone that doesn't involve video games.'

'That's not true.' Kitty defends.

'Have you talked to him then?' Peter raises his eyebrows.

Kitty goes silent and looks down at the ground.

Peter laughs gleefully again. 'Oh damn, I am totally going to drop him off at school and honk the horn at him. Man, you've just given me new content to make fun of him for!'

Kitty laughs. 'If you dropped him off in your Audi, he would honestly look SO sick!' she exclaims.

'I know, he would hate it! Kitty, you'll have to tell everyone before I arrive so that they all wait outside.'

'Can do!' she agrees. She is probably overjoyed to be able to be using her mastermind to hang out with Peter.

'Ok, we can make a deal. If I tell you anything you want about Owen, you have to help me sabotage him. Deal?' Peter extends his hand for her to shake.

'Deal!' she shakes it. 'I'll get together some questions.'

She goes running up the stairs as Peter laughs. Peter then stops and turns to me. 'Wait, how does she know that I drive an Audi?' he asks.

'She's probably been spying on me when you have dropped me home. She is such a snoop.' I inform him.

'Nah, she's good company. I'm glad to have an ally.'

'Do you have to make your brother's life miserable?' I look at him, remembering the conversation we had a while ago about his brother when I was over at his house.

'Yeah it lightens up things between us. It'll also be good to take him out of his shell, give him some female attention.' Peter wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

'Like the female attention that you had?' I remember when everyone was obsessed with him and I used to be fielding question left right and centre about how it felt to be his friend. I never really saw him in the same light that they did, he was always Peter to me. He was always the annoying kid who took charge whenever he could but wouldn't be able to hold up an argue if you called him out on it. He loved the attention but only from people that he actually valued. He wasn't very good on a bike, but was the fastest runner in our entire group which meant he always wanted to play doorbell dash. I couldn't deny that he was gorgeous and charming, but the pedestal that everyone else put him on as being a Greek God and the definition of perfection was one that I never understood.

He shrugs. 'I barely remember any female attention, given that there was only one girl I wanted attention from.' He has mischievous glint in his eye as he looks at me. I don't look away though. I don't want to give him the satisfaction. I keep my eyes on his until they soften and go caramelly in the way that I love. There's a small smile between us. I want to say something, interrupt this so I can breathe normally but nothing comes out. I don't know what will happen next, but then the door lock clicks open.

'Lara Jean! Kitty! We have the pizza!' Margot announces. She stops walking and almost blocks Josh from the doorway when she sees Peter. Peter gives her a friendly wave while she forces a smile back at him.

'Margot, right? I'm Peter.' He stands up to help her with the pizzas. He walks over and reaches to grab them, but Josh stands beside her.

'Don't worry I got it, I'm Josh.' Josh puts his hand out.

'Yeah Sanderson.' Peter accepts his shake.

Josh then takes the pizzas from Margot and goes into the kitchen.

'Um nice to meet you Peter. I didn't realise you were still here.' She tries to greet him.

'Yeah Lara Jean and I are still working on our history report, so she invited me to stay for dinner.' He looks over at me.

Margot nods and then follows behind Josh. Peter slowly walks over to me.

'What's up with them?' he asks me.

I elbow him in the side. 'That's my sister. They've just heard a lot about you from John.' I warn him.

'Ahhhhhh…' he says. I can tell he is thrown off by not having people like him immediately. 'Well I guess I've got a lot of making up to do.'

'That might be a bit hard.' I tell him.

He looks over at me and winks. 'Try me.'

I wait until he has turned his back and walked into the kitchen to let myself smile at his comment. The moment we just shared before is still slightly playing on my mind.

We are all sitting down, eating pizza when Peter decides to take the lead with the conversation.

'So MARGOT, Lara Jean tell me that you are thinking of going to college in the UK?' he asks her.

She nods. 'Yeah I'm also looking around here, but some places over there are interesting to me.'

'It seems like a good choice, I mean the drinking age is 18 there, so you would have a lot of fun.' He gives her a grin, which she laughs at.

'Margot isn't into drinking.' Josh declares. I have to shoot him a look. I know that Margot isn't into it, but Josh doesn't have to ruin the moment with this attitude.

'Who knows? When it's legal, things might change. Scotland is really famous for it's whiskey and England is crazy about the beer over there.' Peter barrels on forward.

'Yeah one of the universities I was looking at is right near a distillery in Scotland.' Margot explains. 'The pictures look beautiful and it would be great to visit there.'

'Mmmm, does it show the fermentation as well?'

I have to stop myself from giving him a look of disbelief, but I am shocked that he knows so much about this. Then again, I'm not too surprised when I remember that this is all to do with alcohol.

'What's fermentation?' Kitty questions.

'It's how they make alcohol.' Peter tells her. 'You learn it in chemistry eventually, it's the only unit I paid much attention to.'

'Kitty's a bit young to be learning about alcohol, don't you think?' Josh asks Peter, there is a tone of condescension in his voice.

Peter gives him a wide smile. 'Nah the earlier you learn, the more you can probably control yourself and get over the hype sooner.'

'And what do you know about that? You're only a sophomore.'

'I'd tell you, but you'd probably snitch on me.' Peter narrows his eyes at Josh.

'Not my fault you don't know how to follow rules.'

'You mean I'm not a goody-two-shoes.' Peter lets out a little laugh.

'You cheated on a Spanish test and drink alcohol underaged, you don't have the moral high ground here.' Josh tells him.

'You cheated on a Spanish test?' I ask him, my eyes wide.

Peter points over at Josh. 'Yeah who do you think dobbed me in?'

Kitty then gives Josh wide eyes. 'You told on him?'

'He did the wrong thing.' Josh defends himself.

'It was Spanish text in 7th grade, who cares?' Peter leans back in his chair.

'I just don't think you should be setting an example for Kitty.' Josh has an edge to his voice.

'And you should?' This time I speak up, because I can't see what Josh is trying to do by using Kitty to elevate himself.

Peter looks over at Kitty. 'What do you think Kid? Who do you wanna be more like me or Joshy over here?'

Peter gives her a wink and points under the table, so Josh can't see, to where her questions about Owen are in her lap. She suddenly lightens up, remembering her importance and her deal with Peter. 'I wanna be like Peter.'

He lets out a hoot and gives her a highfive. While Josh's face falls a little.

Margot looks over at him. 'I would pick you over Peter any day.' She tells him.

'Is that a challenge?' Peter gives her a grin. I can tell that he is trying to get under Josh's skin.

'Knock it off, Kavinsky.' Josh remarks.

'Scared, are we?' Peter looks over at Josh.

'Can we just have a nice dinner conversation instead of you two trying to out alpha each other? Please?' I tug on Peter's shirt so that he stops giving Josh a look that is clearly making him more irritated every second.

'Fine, Sanderson, tell me about Junior year.' Peter finally concedes, giving the floor to Josh.

Josh rolls his eyes but with an encouraging glance from Margot begins to talk.

Later that night, Peter and I are wrapping up all the leftover pieces of pizza when we are on our study break. We came down so I could get some water, but then Peter decided he was hungry so we had to unwrap and now rewrap the pizza.

'I think I might have turned Sanderson by the end.' He says, waiting for me to wrap the pizza in beeswax so he can put it in a paperbag.

'Maybe, after you stopped trying to get under his skin.' I narrow my eyes at him.

'What are you talking about?'

'You know exactly what I am talking about. Is it a guy thing? Trying to assert yourself as the alpha whenever another one walks into the room.'

'Hey, I didn't initial it, I was just reciprocating.'

'Wow, look at you using those big words!' I tease him.

'What can I say? Unfortunately I learnt at least something from doing this assignment with you.'

'And sadly, it wasn't about the Qing dynasty.'

'Ugh, I am going to be so glad when I don't have to ever hear those words again.'

'Me too.'

'I think I am just going to avoid anything Chinese for the next few weeks anyway. I can't even count the amount of times I have probably disgraced that culture by trying to pronounce words for this assignment.'

'Yeah I thought that maybe my background in Korean might help just slightly in reading the Chinese in English, but it did not help at all. I still can't believe that we were pronouncing Shi Huangdi so wrong for almost 2 weeks.'

'I think Mr Henderson was just about ready to fail us when he heard me try pronounce that. I'm just glad that there is no oral assignment for this.'

'Me too, or we would be screwed.'

'Absolutely fucked.'

I poke him. 'Language.'

'What do you mean "Language"?' he mocks me.

'Don't curse.'

'Wow, what are you a grandma?'

'At least I'm a cool grandma.'

He looks over at me. 'Nah mine could beat you any day.'

'I didn't know you had a grandma.' I say surprised.

He laughs. 'What? Why wouldn't I have a grandma? That biologically wouldn't make sense if I didn't have one. I can't believe that people think you're the smart one.'

'No! I mean you've never mentioned her before.'

'Yeah there hasn't been the need to. She's not exactly a topic that starts conversations.'

I shrug. 'I know, I was only making a point.'

I hope he realises what I mean. I am not talking about him opening up about her to start a conversation with me, but instead during our chats together. I told him so much about my grandparents and how much they did for us when our mum passed away. I won't forget the way he understood how important it was for my grandma on my mother's side to be around for us. She is so integral to how we appreciate and still keep the Korean culture in our family and in our hearts. I know that without her, I would struggle to understand my identity and who I am. He hadn't mentioned his grandparents at all. I wasn't sure if he was still in contact with his grandma on his dad's side despite everything or if he only talks to the people who are related to his mum. If we had a few more weeks, then I would ask him, but knowing we won't be much more than acquaintances any longer, I hold my tongue.

We are just about to press Print on our assignment. Once we print it, there will be no more changes being made and it will be submitted tomorrow. Mr Henderson doesn't know how to use technology that well so it's hard-copies only being accepted. I go to press the button but Peter stops me.

'No, we have to do it together.' He insists.

I give him a weird look, but then he puts his hand over mine so that our fingers are touching. I can't help but feel slightly flushed at this. The way he holds his hand over mine, it would be something weird if I wasn't as close to him. I can't imagine how he is so cool and unaffected by this, but my heart is beating a little faster. He then pulls our hands down together so we push the button at the same time.

'There! We are done!' he exclaims.

'No more history assignment!' I throw up the pieces of paper that had our edited draft printed out on them.

'I feel like we should hug.' Peter says as we stand looking down at the pages being printed.

Before I can respond, he has his arms around me, lifting me slightly off my feet. I put my arms around his neck in response and rest my head on his shoulder. His back feels so different to how John's feels. I can see his muscles protruding from his shirt and feel them shifting underneath my hands. His dark hair is a little longer and it is some silky and soft next to my cheek. I managed to whiff a bit of him. He smells like lavender washing detergent and hints of the Dove soap, that I remember Margot buying and using once. There is also a soft scent of sandalwood to him which is mixed with other scents and I assume is his cologne. For some reason, I am so hyper aware of everything. How velvety his shirt feels, how his heart beat is steady against mine, how his shoulders rise as he breathes. Even his forearms are strong and sturdy as they are around my waist. We break out of the hug and I am completely oblivious to how much time has passed. I grab the paper from the printer and go back into my room to put it in the plastic sleeve.

'Ok, you are witnessing me put it in my bag for tomorrow so that I don't forget it.' I slowly put it in my bag, making it obvious to Peter so he doesn't stress me out by thinking I forgot it, tomorrow.

He sits on my bed, looking around my room. Suddenly I am more self-conscious. It is an absolute mess. There are clothes strewn everywhere and piles of books near my bed, mostly romantic novels of course. There are also a bunch of plates and cups on my desk near my bedside as well which I need to take downstairs to wash up. The wallpaper is a turquoise with a cherry blossom painted on it and against it, is a dark wooden dresser covered in photos.

'I never would have thought your room would look like this until I got to know you.' He remarks.

'What do you mean?' I ask him curiously, sitting away from him at my desk.

'From about eighth grade, I thought you were this super-organised, type A personality. You were in a relationship because it was super convenient. You and John had been best friends for a while and you were both super smart, so it made sense for you to date. You were at the top of most classes and always had organised and perfectly decorated books and school supplies. Even your wardrobe seemed super put together, so I would have expected a white room with heaps of storage and a perfect structure.' He explains wistfully.

'What would you expect now?'

'This. I get why you have all the romance novels by your bed because you love to fantasise about it. The photos on your dresser are for how important your family is. The clothes are everywhere because you always wear something that really represents you and your cool style.'

'You think I have cool style?'

Peter rubs the back of his neck. 'I mean, like it's not amazing, but…'

'It's cute and quirky.' I finish for him.

He nods, then he looks at me. 'I hate to say it and I know it goes against everything that I said before, but I'm going to miss not having this assignment to do with you.' He admits.

I nod understandably.

He continue though. 'You haven't only been someone cool to hang out with, but I've enjoyed talking a lot to you as well. You're a good listener and I'll miss having you around as much.'

'Thanks. You are too.' I say back to him.

'Thanks.'

'You're welcome.' We share a smile. How did something that I thought was so obnoxious to say just come out of my mouth? I don't know, I guess that's the effect of Peter Kavinsky.

 _A/N: I know what it looks like. Oh wow, a bit of fluff, is the story starting to slow? No, my lovelies. This is just the calm before the storm._

 _For those wondering about Gen, don't worry she'll be around soon. For those asking how long it is going to take for these two to get together, hush good things happen to those who wait._

 _Please let me know what you think of this story! I might even update two chapters tonight so that you guys get left on a high note! I need to keep it dramatic! But if you want the extra chapter, please review, favourite and follow your hearts out!_

 _I know my other story is kind of taking a backseat, but I will be updating that one soon as well! I'll just need to wrap my head around the third person narration again! Heheheheheheh! Loving all your reviews and feedback so far! xxxx_


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I can't deny that I have been waiting for a night like this for such a long time. It's a night where I finally have some peace and quiet. No one is home. Kitty is at a sleepover, Margot and Daddy have gone interstate to look at some colleges and John is at a party. It has just started storming outside the weather is perfect for a cosy night indoors. Josh had checked in on me before to make sure that I was fine and our power was still running. I invited him to stay and watch some romcoms with me but he politely turned them down and told me to text or call him if anything happened. I was checking my phone every few minutes to see if John had texted me telling me that the party was bad and he wanted to hang out with me, but he never did. He has apologised profusely for what he said at the other party, but every time I try talk about it, he just deflects the questions. He asked if I wanted to come to the party tonight, but I just need some space at the moment. I don't know if it's space from him or from everyone, but I am an introvert so sometimes I need to allow my batteries to recharge.

Tonight has also been the first time, I have really been able to have my thoughts to myself. I scrolled through so many of the photos that John and I have together and decided to put on 'The Great Gatsby' movie which is proving to have been a very thought-provoking choice. Sometimes I feel like Daisy Buchanan in all of this. The Great Gatsby plotline seems so fitting to my life right now, which is definitely not what I anticipated after years of wishing my life could be like a movie or a book sometimes. This definitely wasn't the book I was talking about, unless I was simply an attendee of a Gatsby party or if I were Nick Carraway and merely the narrator or observer to the strange and crazy lives around me. I never imagined that I would be the girl stuck in between, though I know I am being overdramatic. It just seems like Peter is my Jay Gatsby. My gorgeous Gatsby, the millionaire or most popular kid in school who makes everyone breathless at the sight of him. The one who I fell in love with long ago and who had the same feelings back for me. Though instead of him being taken away by the war, he was taken away by the gossip and rumours that swirled around us. He attends the extravagant parties that his cool friends around him throw, though there is always something about him that doesn't quite fit in, it is almost a weak façade to the real person that he is. Our chance encounter at those few events and then working together in these assignment, has almost felt like an affair. Obviously, it is not a literal affair given we haven't done anything physical, but it almost feels like an emotional affair. When I think about the things that I have shared with him and talked to him about, they aren't things that would share with someone who you are partnered with for a report or even an old friend, it's more than that. I barely realised how much I have almost been betraying John by telling Peter all these things, until we had finished our report. When I didn't have him to tell everything to, I was realising how much I was bottling up and should be telling John instead, but John and I are hardly talking.

Then there is John. It would be awful of me to label him as Tom Buchanan, but it almost feels that way now. He isn't an adulterer by any means, but even as my friendship with Peter has grown and I have discovered the problems between John and I, I could never say that I don't love him and he hasn't helped me grow as a person. I think to all of those afternoons we spent together. During eighth grade, when I felt like everything was falling apart, he was the one that held me together. He always surged a challenge from me and made me what to be the best person that I could. The way we argue over what happens in school and what we have learnt to how he is brutally honest with me so that when he does tell me that something is great, I know that it is. I remember all the dances we have thrown at Belleview and how he puts 100% effort into every one of them. He remembers the names of all the people at Belleview that I mention to him or any person who I tell him a story about. He knows that any person who I talk about having an effect on me, is a person worth remembering. The night of our first kiss is also one that is engraved in my mind. We have just finished hosting the 60s dance at Belleview. Margot was helping Jo take out the trash, while John and I were cleaning up inside. I remember how the speakers were still plugged in and I went to take them out, but John stopped me. He insisted on us having one last dance together. He then pulled me onto the dance floor and we did a swing dance. I remember how my poodle skirt was lifting up everytime he would sway us to the side so I could kick out my leg. The way that he dipped me, making sure that he would drop me. He even twirled me over and over again, knowing that I adored watching my skirt spin around me. I was almost breathless by the time the music was fading out and then he turned to me, he cupped my face and kissed me, that was when all my breath was gone. We did even more dances after that and once we finished cleaning, I needed him to give me a piggyback because my legs were so sore. He carried me all the way down the steps and to my dad's car. He then tucked my hair behind my ear and wished me good night. I felt like I was flying that night. I never dreamed that I would ever have a boy do that to me. Even after that moment, there were so many more when I realised that he was mine. The way he did my homework for me, when I was sick and couldn't go to school. When he baked me a cake and brought me flowers on my birthday in front of everyone. How he comforted me every time I would miss my mother and wish that she was with us. He is my Tom Buchanan in that we have something that Peter could never understand and that I could never have with him.

So what am I doing? I honestly don't know. I can't deny that there is something between me and Peter, but I am not sure if it is just the thrill of something new versus a relationship that is almost hitting 2 years. There are plenty of things about Peter that frustrate me, but there are so many good things as well. I know that Peter isn't in my league and in fact, he is unavailable, but I am sure that I need to distance myself from him. Having him so close and allowing myself to have hope when I have John right there who is treating me good is something I need to put a stop to.

I bring my attention back to 'The Great Gatsby' which is still playing. I can't deny that even as I watch this, I get frustrated at Daisy and the way that she chooses Tom over Gatsby, but then a new thought occurs to me. Maybe I am Gatsby. Maybe Daisy is Peter all along. I know that it is a gender-flip, but I can't help and see this in the other light. Maybe Tom Buchanan is actually Gen? The one who doesn't care about Daisy and is cheating on Daisy and forcing her to do things that she doesn't want to do. Then Daisy finally meets Gatsby who she loved before and remembers how special it is to be heard and to be valued. It is almost like Peter and I. How Gen is acting so horrible to him and not letting them talk to each other, while I am proving to him how important his emotions are. The climax stings a little more, realising that if Peter is Daisy and Gen is Tom, then they end up together in the end. Daisy can't leave Tom because of who Tom is. Tom is a rich man who has old money and status in society, just like Gen has popularity. Gatsby has tried to climb his way up but in his heart, it's not who he is, just like me. Peter would choose Gen because what would his life look without that. He has never had to worry about not being popular in his life and it's something he would never want to give away. I don't want to be Peter's Gatsby. I can't be someone who would spend my entire life waiting for someone and holding onto hope that they might want to be with me when they have someone else who already makes them happy and who they want to be with.

I decide to get out the ice cream from the freezers to comfort me as I eat. Not because I am sad, but because I know that Margot would never let me eat it like this with a spoon from the tub. I try to shut out my thoughts as I keep watching the movie. I don't want to keep comparing my life to the movie. That's not a life and I wold really just rather enjoy I have alone. I have just about pulled myself together, I am snuggled underneath a blanket that our grandma gave us for Christmas with my ice cream when I hear the doorbell ring.

I let out a groan. How dare someone interrupt me? Also who could it be? I'm going to be incredibly annoyed if it is Josh checking up on me again given he is only one year older than me and I am hardly a risk that needs to be managed constantly. Then I have a thought that maybe it's John and he has come because he wants to talk. Eventually I unravel myself from my blanket and my ice cream to go check the door. I don't even bother checking how I look as I know it has to be someone who we are close to. I open the door and I barely recognise the person who it is.

'Hey Covey.' His voice breaks as he greets me.

I never thought that I would see this in front of me. Peter is dripping wet, his clothes don't have a single dry patch on them and there is water trickling down the ends of his hair that aren't stuck against his face. He looks pale from the cold. The smile on his face looks broken. His shoulders are slumped and his neck hunched, nothing at all like the posture from someone who always seems so genuine and easy going. I search his face, but I can't tell which droplets are from the rain or from his tears. His eyes are enormous, they are filled with a sense of loss and sadness that makes my heart ache.

'Here use this.' I hand him the towel that I had given Josh earlier when he arrived, to dry some of himself off before I go to the cupboard searching for more. When I come back he has kicked off his shoes outside and has run the towel through his hair. I hand him the two dry and fluffy towels in my hand, taking the other towel off from him and putting it in our laundry basket. His shirt is drenched and I can tell it is making him cold from the way his hands are shaking.

'Take off your shirt.' I instruct him, taking the towels from him as he does.

'Wow, at least take me to dinner first.' He teases, though his voice is flat and lifeless. He whips his shirt off and while he head is still caught in the material, I get a glimpse of his abs. I have to stop my jaw from dropping but it is a glorious sight. He has such a chiselled body which is expected from all his lacrosse training, but even the way the water falls against the lines on his stomach is making me a little light-headed. I am too distracted to even notice that he is staring at me without his shirt on.

He chuckles. 'Um, what do you want me to do with this?'

'Oh sorry. I'll take it.' I swap him his wet shirt for a towel.

'You shouldn't apologise for liking what you see.' He wiggles his eyebrows.

I roll my eyes and ignore him. 'I'll put your shirt in the dryer, do you want me to take your pants as well?'

'I don't know if you're ready for those to come off yet.' He winks at me.

'You're right, I don't want to burn my eyes from their sockets just yet.' I tease him.

He smirks, but I don't give him a chance to respond as I am in search for some clothes from Daddy's room for him to wear. I don't know what I can give him that Daddy won't notice is gone or is going to fit him. Peter is quite tall and well-built so I doubt Daddy has much that will suit. I hit the jackpot though when I see some spare scrubs. He brought them home a while ago for when Margot was thinking of ideas for her Senior Week Costume Day, but she decided not to use them. He hasn't returned them yet so they will be perfect, especially as they are a one-size kind of thing. I walk back to the doorway and hand them to Peter.

'Put these on.'

'Can I get changed inside a room or something?' he asks curiously.

I purse my lips. I would say yes, but he is still quite wet and his pants dripping water everywhere still. I don't know if it's a good idea to have that going through the house, but then again, I probably can't force him to get changed here.

He senses my hesitation and counter offers. 'Can you turn around then?'

I quickly hide my blushing face and scamper into the kitchen. I grab the ice cream on my way and put it back into the freezer. The last thing I need is for Peter to tease me about spending my night like this. I then realise what I just said. What? Why would he even be teasing me? Wait, why the hell is Peter even here? In all the chaos which was seeing him all wet, I just went straight into my organising, type-A personality mood and didn't even ask him why he is here. It probably explains why he was giving me such weird looks as I was handing him towels. I was willing to help him with no explanation.

'Covey? I'm done.' Peter calls out.

I still have one of the towels and his shirt in my hands. I stroll over to him, where he is posing in his doctor scrubs.

'How do I look?' he asks, his smile still there but not as bright as it usually is.

'You could almost pull it off, if I didn't know how bad you were at Chemistry.'

'I don't know, seeing myself like this, I might try harder.' He looks at himself in the mirror, checking out his new outfit.

I roll my eyes and grab his pants from him and the other towel. I go straight to the laundry and put them all into the dryer, making sure to add a cute cactus dryer ball in there as well so they are extra fluffy. I put it all in and turn the knob. I take a moment to take several deep breaths in and out.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I have got no idea what is going on. I can't even think about anything that is happening right now. Something must have happened to Peter for him to be looking so upset and so unsure of himself. But why is he here? I couldn't see any Audi, so he must have walked or run here through the rain all by himself. What could have happened to make him do that? Why would he come to me? Surely Gabe or Darrell, or even Owen or his mum would have been better for him. I can't wrap my head around all of this.

I take a few more breaths before walking back to the living room. I am surprised when I don't see Peter there.

'Peter?' I call out.

'Yeah?' I hear him from the doorway.

'Oh are you still there?' I peek my head around and see he is in the exact same spot, looking unsure and awkward, something very uncharacteristic for him. Even when we were kids, he used to just walk into my house like he owned the place. He would make himself comfortable on any couch or chair. When we were doing history, I think he even helped himself to an apple in the kitchen. It's so strange to see him like this. He looks so lost.

I take his arm and lead him to the couch. He looks relieved to be led somewhere. I look at him for a long time, just waiting for him to say something, anything.

'Peter, what are you doing here?' I finally ask him, when he refuses to meet my eyes or talk.

He leans forward putting his head in his hands. His leg is jiggling up and down which I have never seen before from him. I hear him sob. A part of me breaks hearing one person who I can never imagine being let down by anyone or anything. The person who just makes everyone's lives so much better and so good. Who could hurt him like this?

I scoot closer to him, rubbing his back with my arm. 'Shush….. It's ok.' I muttered the same words to him as he did to me that night after he confronted John.

He sways towards me, crashing his head against my shoulder. I am a little shocked but I adjust quickly holding him against me. I bury one of my hands in his hair, softly stroking and the other one keeps rubbing his back. I feel his tears against my skin, as I continue to comfort him. After several moments, he calms down at little and he lets his head drop into my lap. I keep my hands in the same position which I assume is comforting him. Anything more could be overstepping my line as a friend.

'Talk to me.' I urge him softly. I need to know what is going on.

'Gen broke up with me.' He manages to get out. I bring my fingers lower to brush away some of the tears on his face.

'Mmmm-hmmm.' I murmur. I can't really think of why he is so upset. They were on the rocks for a while, but maybe he had a lot of hope that they would get better.

'She cheated on me.' He reveals, turning his face towards my thigh.

My breath catches in my throat. This explains so much more, why Peter would come here so quickly? Why he is so upset? Why he is so unsure of himself? I mentally curse out Gen for being such an awful human being and doing this. Peter has been through so much his father and has had to drag himself above all of that to believe that he is enough and that he is worthy and now Gen has probably just destroyed that.

'How did you find out?' I ask him.

He takes a few deep breaths trying to collect himself. 'Gen has almost been failing English, so her parents go her some guy in college to help tutor her. She was doing a lot better and started having more tutoring sessions with him. I even met him a few times and thought he was a cool guy. She and I talked before the party and she told me that she was getting tutored by him beforehand so she wouldn't need a lift. She then showed up with him to this party, claiming that he was trying to get more students. I didn't even think much of it and introduced him to a few people. Gen then asked me to go and make her a drink with all these weird things in it. So I went to the kitchen, but I was talking to some people and forgot what she wanted. I was wandering around trying to find her and then I caught her kissing her tutor in one of the bedrooms.' A few more tears fall from his eyes as he admits this.

'I remember yelling at her and almost beating up the guy. I just had to know something. I had to know how long this had been going on for. I had to know.' His breathing gets short as he utters this words between sobs. 'She told me ever since he started tutoring her at the start of sophomore year. Then she broke down and said that it was my fault because I wanted to talk more to her and was getting too clingy, so she needed a way out.'

'Oh Peter.' I feel a few tears gather in my own eyes hearing this story and how he had to find out.

'I then just ran out because everyone was trying to eavesdrop. I had nowhere else to go. Gabe and Darrell were both with their families and I didn't think anyone would understand. I also knew no one else would listen and not spread it around like gossip. I just can't believe how stupid I was. I was so stupid!' He voice raises a little.

'There I was thinking that I was the problem and that I needed to put more investment into the relationship, but the whole time she was cheating on me. She even made me do those _fucking_ notes to her and then has the guts to call me clingy because I was trying to talk to her and actually have a relationship. I feel just so stupid and so played right now. I never did her any wrong and always played along with her fucking games and her fucking power plays against people, because I thought that we were the real deal and she could never do that to me.'

'That fucking college kid is in for it.' He warns.

'Peter…' I breathe softly, stroking his hair again.

He takes a deep breath again. 'I'm sorry Covey, I just don't know what to do.' His uncertainty pulls at my heart. It's so unlike him. He really is so vulnerable to the people around him. As much as he wants to say that he doesn't care, he really does.

Almost instinctively, I lean down and kiss the top of his head. It feels like the right thing to do to comfort him and I get confirmation of that as I feel him smile a little against my leg.

'It's going to be ok. You are going to do so much better things in your life than date Genevieve.' I reassure him.

He turns his body so that he can look up at me. 'I don't even know if I'm sad about losing her though. I think it's all the wasted time and wasted effort that I put into a dead relationship that really upsets me and the lack of respect and even pure regard she had for me and our relationship to cheat on me, on us.'

'People really can do awful things.' I brush his hair back looking down at him. 'But they can be really amazing too, you just need to make sure you only invest in those kinds of people.'

He looks at me thoughtfully. 'I know.'

We stay like this for a little longer, him staring up at me and me looking around his face, anywhere but his eyes.

'Wanna watch a movie with me?' I ask him with wide eyes.

He chuckles. 'Are you giving me the girls' night in break up treatment?'

'That's right! Complete with ice-cream, tissues and The Notebook.'

'Ew, I don't wanna watch the Notebook.' He complains, twisting around on me so that he can sit up.

'Well it's either that one, The Holiday or 27 Dresses.' I give him options.

'Fine, let's go with the one with the girl from Titanic.' He picks 'The Holiday'.

'Yay!' I exclaim, getting up and putting it in the DVD player. I then grab the ice-cream from the freezer and two spoons.

Peter and I end up on opposite ends of the couch, just like we used to when we were younger. We exchange the tub of ice-cream between us, taking turns at having a spoonful.

'Hey, that's way too much! Stop taking so much ice-cream!' I complain to him, when he manages to wedge almost a quarter of the tub out with his spoon.

'Hey, I'm fragile. I've going through a break-up, I need this.' He pouts.

'Wow, you really are a girl.' I tease him.

'Yep!' he says excitedly with a mouth full of ice-cream.

'Put it back!' I command him, pointing at him.

'Fine.' He rolls his eyes and takes only a spoonful, then he passes the tub across to me.

'Where did you leave your phone?' I ask him suddenly. I don't remember seeing it the whole time he has been here or in his pants pockets or anything.

He shrugs. 'I must have left it at the party.'

'You don't need it?'

'I'll use the landline and try find it tomorrow.' He closes off so I take that as a hint to drop the topic.

I pay attention back to the movie. I can already know that Peter is the kind of person who likes to talk in movies. It frustrates me, but I'm more ok with it now since I have seen this one probably over 100 times.

'Wait, so they hook up once and now are like in love with each other?' Peter turns his head to ask me. I'm glad that his mind is off the other events from tonight.

'I guess so. Isn't that what happens with sex?' I look at him confused.

He shrugs. 'I think you have very high expectations on what losing your virginity is going to look like.'

Now I shrug. 'Meh, I don't really give it much thought to be honest, since it won't be happening soon.'

'Why don't you want it to happen soon?' He turns and pops his head up on his elbow.

'With john?' I glance at him for a moment.

'With anyone?'

'Why are you so curious?' I've never actually had anyone ask me question this invasive about my sexual life. I've never even talked like this to John.

'I want to know the other perspective.'

'I don't know. I guess I've always thought that it would happen either when I'm older like 21 or something, or if I'm really really REALLY sure about who it's with.'

'You aren't sure about John?'

'I'm not really really REALLY sure.'

'How do you know when that will be?' I am very put off by all of these questions.

'When I won't have to ask anymore.' I glance at him. He nods happy with my answer.

'For the record, I feel like I have to say that I do think John is a good guy.' Peter admits, his eyes on the movie.

'Really?' I look over at him, scanning his face for any joke or tease.

'Yeah, I wouldn't have been best friends with him for so long if he wasn't.'

'That's true. I don't not think that he isn't a good guy, sometimes I just wonder if he is the guy for me.'

'We're young, it's crazy for us to be thinking like that when we have years left to explore.' Peter glances over at me.

I nod back at him, unsure of how I really should answer or more how I actually wanted him to answer.

We reach the end of the movie, I grab his dry clothes from the dryer and give them back to him. I can tell from the way that he shuffles his feet and glances at the door that he doesn't want to go yet. Deep down, I don't want him to go either, but I know that we can't stay up much longer. I was almost falling asleep and so was he. I wished that we could fall asleep together in this little bubble where the outside world and our problems don't exist but we can't. Kitty would be back early in the morning and she absolutely would go running off her mouth if she say Peter had spent the night here, wearing a pair of Daddy's scrubs. The rain has eased up, so Peter reassures me that he is going to be ok walking home. I reach up and give him one last hug, holding him against me and wishing that I could take all of his troubles and uncertainty away. We let go and say our goodbyes, our eyes still looking for each other as he reaches the footpath.

I shut the door and tidy up everything. As I fall down in my bed, my original thoughts come running back to me. If Peter is Daisy Buchanan, what happens if Tom broke up with her first? What happens when Gatsby, the one who was begging for her to love him and constantly fighting for her love since they first met was the now the only option for her? Would she have been happy with him?

I think back to the scenario where I am Daisy. It now seems more plausible, the only difference is that Peter is the Gatsby that doesn't want me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time I am back at school on the Monday, the news of Peter and Gen's break up is all anyone is talking about. I overheard some girls saying in English that it was because his mum didn't approve of Gen and wanted him to be focussing on his Lacrosse, then from a group in Maths that she found him hooking up with someone at a party. There is then a wave of rumours that they had been having problems for months and decided to call it quits, then also the truth about Gen cheating on him and dumping him for a college guy. There are constant whispers about them and everyone keeps staring at them. Peter is trying to keep his head held high and doesn't really look like anything has changed to him, but sometimes I catch him glancing at Gen, a look of sadness in his eyes. John was asking me if I knew anything. I just reiterated all of the rumours I had heard to him. He mentioned that there were some rumours going around about me and people who had seen us in the library together, but I told him that they weren't true. I hadn't caused the break up between Peter and Gen, far from it, I was one of the people trying to help them stay together. I can see in John's eyes that there is more that he wants to ask me, but he knows I won't tell him. I can sense the fear in his eyes. He is scared that things might change now that Peter is single. Peter is one step further away from where he was when we were in eighth grade and I wanted to be with John.

As we sit down, John looks over to where Peter is sitting with all the lax guys. 'You know whatever it was, he totally deserved it.' He leans over and says to me.

'What?' My jaw drops as I look at him.

'It was only a matter of time before Peter got what was coming. Gen too. They are both awful people who ruin the lives of people around them. It's good that they have a painful break up.'

'John, you shouldn't say that.'

'Why not? Gen has always been a bitch. You can't deny that. She hasn't had a nice word to say to you since seventh grade and Peter is a dick. He has been putting a wedge between us this whole time and despite all the misunderstandings, he still isn't loyal to anyone except himself.' John casually looks at me.

'How can you say that? How can you wish that badly on anyone? Peter is a good guy, even if you can't see it. No one ever deserves to go through this humiliation and this betrayal.' I snap at him.

'So you do know what happened?' John narrows his eyes at me.

'It doesn't matter what I do and I don't know. That was a lousy thing for you to say and you know it. The wedge between us hasn't been caused by Peter, by maybe by the fact that you would rather pretend everything is perfect instead of actually talking about things.'

'Is that what you think?'

'Yeah.' I say, I then get out of my seat and walk out of the cafeteria. I am glad to see Chris who I drag away with me in order to have someone who I can rant to.

Even after talking to her, I can't even look at John. He doesn't understand how much pain Peter is going through. I know that he is hurt by everything that has happened and that he has found out about Peter, but no one deserves to go through this. I would never wish it on even my worse enemy. I am trying to pull myself together when I am standing at my locker. I have two more classes and then school will be finished, I just need to make it through all of that. I feel someone's eyes on my back. I whip my head around and see Peter looking at me. I give him a reassuring smile. One that says that I know everyone is talking about him and spreading rumours about him, but I know the truth and I know that he is just doing this best. He gives me a grateful smile back. It feels like there isn't anyone else around us, that we have this small snippet of time together where we understand each other. Then he looks away and I'm brought back to reality.

 _A/N: Ok so technically in my time zone this might have come the next day, but I have done them pretty close to each other so maybe this is coming out on the same day for you guys! Hopefully! Lol I think the two chapters in one day was an awesome idea but I kinda put that out there when I had a very successful day writing, now it's a little slower and I'm not so sure!_

 _This is the big chapter! As you can probably tell! Now that Peter is single, what does that mean for LJ? Will he and Gen get back together? Will LJ go back to John? It's all so exciting!_

 _To everyone wanting LJ and PK to just get together already, I know and I feel you, but I can't rush them. They both have their own things to go through and will probably be better off by the end if they take their time. Also remember that this is all LJ perspective so that's why there hasn't been much Gen lately, as she doesn't really interact with LJ that much! BUT be careful what you wish for, Gen may make an evil appearance later!_

 _Thank you all so much for your reviews! I honestly love posting the chapters and then having all of you review it so quickly and sending so much love! It makes me want to keep posting them all the time because of how awesome and appreciative you all are! I am so glad you like this story and love hearing about all your feedback! Hope you like this chapter! xxxx_


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I am so relieved to make it through the week. It has been an incredibly hectic one and there is something about spending so much time with people who are gossiping which really gets on my nerves. John thankfully dropped the topic about Peter and Gen's break up by about Wednesday, whereas a lot more people who I have never spoken before in my life have approached me and wanted to know if Peter mentioned anything while we were history partners. Then there has been a whole lot more people who have asked me why Peter would possibly think of cheating on someone as amazing as Genevieve with me. That one has been the question which has annoyed John and I the most. I haven't been able to see much of Peter besides in the corridor. I think he can tell that there are a lot of rumours going around about me as well because of him and neither of us wants to add fuel to that fire by bring around each other or chatting. Gen has been at school, keeping her head held high and being extra bitchy at the moment. I accidentally bumped into her when I turned the corner of the hallway and she went off at me and what I was wearing. John had to come next to me and tell her to bugger off before she eventually calmed down. She then just glared at us for the rest of the day. That incident in itself wasn't only bad because of Gen's attitude, but it also set off all the rumours about Peter cheating on her with me. Gen had never really talked to me much, even if I accidentally touched her, so the fact that she chose now as the first time to address me meant that she knew that people would start that rumour about me. I am really glad to have John around at this moment, if I am honest. He is standing up for me so much especially when I don't know how to answer people quickly and stand up for myself, I'm not used to having so many people pay attention to me, so I am grateful he is here. The few times Peter and I glance at each other, he doesn't seem to be giving away much. By the end of the week, I was getting frustrated by it all. He knew these rumours were going around about me and probably saw the way that Gen confronted me, yet he hasn't apologised once for dragging me into this mess or thanking me for not spilling anything that happened last weekend.

I am almost thankful when Daddy messages me and tells me that he can't make Kitty's swimming meet tonight and so he needs me to fill in. I am very much looking forward to being able to sit on my own with the timers and have some space away. I know there will be some people from high school who will be watching their siblings and what not, but I hope that I am farther enough away from them that they don't try talk to me or try get gossip from me. I am sure that the parents will be shooing them away if they try at all.

Margot's drops us off at the pool again. She has a few exams coming up which she needs to study hard for as she is trying to bump up her GPA. I check in with the organiser of the meet who sends me to the timing booth thankfully. I give Kitty a final hug goodbye though she is already scampering off to join her friends. I quickly survey the kids around the pool and am relieved to see that Owen isn't here. I have my fingers crossed that either he doesn't show up or only his mum comes with him.

As I sit down, one of the timekeepers comes over to me, holding a clipboard in his hand. 'I think you are scheduled on with someone else tonight, but do you think you need any help?' I can tell that he recognises me from the countless weeks before that I have had to do this duty and was aware of what she said already when I noticed the chair beside me.

'Not at all. It's almost second nature to me.' I smile at him.

'Great, I'll let the organiser know and I'll take that chair.' He gives me a smile as I lift the chair over the table for him. He grabs it and carries it towards the organiser.

I check my phone as we wait for the meet and the races to start. John is texting me about how my night is going, I let him know how lucky he is not to be here and be stuck having to talk to little kids for the entire night. He sends me back a photo of him sitting across from Stormy, playing Chess with her. I know that his night definitely won't be ending well as Stormy isn't the best chess player but is an even worse loser. So he probably will be having chess pieces aimed and thrown at his head again. He then texts that Stormy is taking his phone away from him so they can have more quality time together so we'll have to talk later. I sigh as I lose my main source of entertainment during this waiting time.

I look up and start to listen into what the co-ordinator is saying. They are going on and on about how this is the last meet and they have had an amazing season and will be presenting the awards at school assembly next week. My eyes drift off as I zone out. I then have to resist letting out a sigh when I see Peter and Owen walking in towards the people. I hadn't even noticed they were talking to the same timekeeper who spoke with me before. They walk past me, Peter and I make eye contact. I give him a little wave, but he turns and ignores me. My stomach dips. Is that how it is going to be? Seriously, I help him through an emotional night and suddenly he is ignoring me. Here I have been, dealing with countless rumours about me hooking up with him or manipulating him against Gen which I haven't refuted yet with the actual truth because I thought I was protecting him and he can't even wave at me. I understand that he is upset, but what have I done that can possibly warrant this dismissal from him? I think that maybe John had talked to him, but John himself had already told me that he didn't want to have anything more to do with Peter until he and I were in a better place. The only other option I can think of is that he and Gen are back together and she has forced him to never talk to me again. Though thinking back to how hurt and how upset Peter was, I can't imagine he would go crawling back to her so soon.

The races start. I try keep up with my enthusiastic attitude but I can't stop thinking about what happened with Peter. I get a few glimpses of him here and there, though he keeps moving around in the crowd. I can't decipher exactly why or where he is going, since he isn't really talking to anyone or moving for any reason. I try to ignore him as much as possible, but wanting to give him the satisfaction of looking away from me or dismissing me again. We are almost finished with the first stroke of the night, when I hear a voice behind me.

'Covey!' I know that it's Peter's voice but I am not turning around. I have got no clue what he could possibly be doing, but I don't want to look like I care either. He chose to ignore me when he walked in, so I don't want to deal with him.

I am not sure what happens, but when I am certain he isn't behind me, I check and sure enough he isn't. He is acting incredibly strange, though it is not my problem, he can be weird by himself. I am getting times from a whole lot of people, when I see Peter out of the corner of my eye, rushing towards me with a chair. He quickly throws it over the table before snaking underneath and sitting in it.

'Peter! What are you doing?' I snap at him, I'm not in the mood for his antics. I see the timekeeper walking over to us out of the corner of my eye. I am prepared to immediately snitch on Peter and get him away from me.

'Tell him that you changed your mind and you need help.' Peter pleads desperately under his breath.

'But I don't!' I snarl at him in the same tone.

'Please?' Peter begs.

My mind flashes back to last weekend how he had the same desperate look on his face, hoping that I would help him and let him in. Though now I know how he is going to treat me once all of that happens and leave me behind to put up with his consequences.

'Why would I do that?' I am looking at him with fierce eyes. He leans back, obviously shocked and surprised by my attitude.

'Please, Covey, I'll explain everything later.'

'Is there a problem here?' The timekeeper asks me.

I flicker my eyes between him and Peter next to me. Every fibre in my body is telling me to leave him for dead and not to help him like I did before, but for some reason I do. 'No, sir. I actually just realised how helpful it has been having Peter do this with me. Is it ok if he stays?'

Peter and I both give him bright smiles.

He shrugs. 'Ok, as long as you don't get too distracted.' Then he walks off.

'Thanks Covey!' Peter exclaims, leaning back on his chair.

'Don't thank me, explain!' I say in a blunt voice.

He looks a little guilty, before he leans in close to me. I try to scoot away from him, but he simply fills in the gap between us.

'See those girls over there. They won't stop trying to talk to me.' I follow his gaze and see a group of girls from our grade who are all standing in a circle, glancing over at Peter.

'So talk to them. You love the attention.' I tell him, showing absolutely no empathy for his cause.

'They keep asking me about Gen and trying to approach me as a group, I'm really not good with girls all coming up in a group and asking me things.'

'What? You are scared of some girls.' I don't even try hide the shocked look on my face.

'Shush!'

'Wow, I never thought Peter Kavinsky would be one to shy away from girls. Maybe I should wingwoman you, I need something entertaining to do tonight.' I roll my eyes at him.

'What's up with the cold attitude?' he peers at me.

'I don't know what you are talking about.'

'This.' He gestures to me.

'What do you mean?' I frown at him.

'The cold tone, judgey eyes, frowns, no compassion, not even any teasing.' He raises his eyebrows at me.

I roll my eyes at him again and ignore his complaining, I don't need to justify myself to him.

'And the rolling of your eyes. Do you know how annoying that is?'

'Too bad, if you don't like it then leave.' I narrow my eyes at him.

He huffs, then crosses his arms sitting back. He clearly isn't used to a girl putting up a fight instead of falling to her knees in front of him.

Another group of kids come over to give us their times. Peter doesn't do anything except sit there on his phone. He doesn't even make any comment to the kids to encourage them like how he was before. He is sitting there, sulking next to me.

'If you aren't going to do anything, then I don't want you here.' I inform him, when he wasn't picking up on the fact that I was mad at him.

'Fine.' He snaps. He stands up and walks back to the grand stands.

I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding. He is being so frustrating, assuming that the world revolves around him and that I am going to forget about all the things that have happened this week, even a few hours ago. He still didn't provide any explanation why he ignored me when he walked in.

A few more races happen before I allow myself to look over at him. I see him sitting down, with a whole bunch of those girls around him. I can't blame them at all. Peter has always been the most liked boy due to his charm and good looks, now that he is finally single, any girl who be crazy not to make a move on him. Well any girl who doesn't know how bipolar his emotions can be and how he treats people. I can tell from the tension in his neck that he isn't comfortable sitting with all those girls. They are all leaning into him, asking him questions. He looks over at me and I swear that I see his eyes narrows slightly. I give him the fakest smile I can and twinkle my fingers at him, letting him know that I am enjoying watching him be in torture. I regret doing it straight away, as he watches me wave and then immediately stands up and comes storming over to me. I try to look back at the piece of paper in front of me and even hide behind the time keepers around me, but I can feel his determined eyes on me. I hear him drop into the chair beside me.

'What did I do to piss you off?' he asks, leaning into me.

'Peter, your fans are missing you.' I point to the girls who are gawking at us.

'Answer the question.'

'Do you really not know the answer? Wow Peter even a 5 year old could figure this out.'

'I'm sorry, I've been a little preoccupied lately. I don't know if you remember but my girlfriend broke up with me less than a week ago.'

'Oh really? I had no idea.' I answer sarcastically. This just infuriates him even more.

'What the fuck is up with you?' He looks at me intensely.

'What's up with you?' I raise my eyebrows at him.

'So I did do something wrong?'

'If you need me to tell you, then I am not having this conversation.'

He lets out a sigh. 'Ok, I'm sorry.'

'For?' I'm not going to suddenly tell him everything that is wrong because he randomly apologises.

'I know Gen has been spreading rumours about you and I saw the scene she caused in the corridor. I wanted to talk to you about it, I really did, but I didn't want to give people any reason to actually believe them.'

'So you just ignored me?' I know my eyes are giving away my pain when I see him flinch.

'I tried to talk to Gen. I told her to knock it off otherwise I was going to tell everyone the truth. She promised she would stop spreading the rumours and targeting you, which she did, but I knew that if she caught us talking or anything then she wouldn't hesitate to start all over again.'

'You still could have told me. A text message, even a letter would have sufficed.'

'I know, I know. I just thought that McClaren had that all taken care of.'

'What do you mean?'

'Don't try and deny that Sundance Kid has been standing a few inches taller lately because he is constantly protecting you. I figured he had it all under control and you didn't care what I did.' He admits, looking down.

I do agree with him that John is enjoying being my protector again. It has been good for me too. I'm remembering how he will constantly stand by my side and stand up for me even if he isn't completely sure about it.

'Then why did you ignore me when you walked in?' I am not finished being mad yet.

'You told them that you didn't need help. We usually chat while we do the timing, but you go rid of me.'

'You can't be mad about that.'

He grumbles. 'I like doing this.'

'Then how come you spent the whole time playing on your phone before?'

'Damn, do you remember every single thing that happens?'

'It's my gift and my curse.' I tell him.

'I wasn't paying attention before, but I will now. Ok?' he gives me a little smile.

'Fine, but I still get to wingwoman you.'

'Whatever.' His shoulders relax, I try not to think that it's because we are good again, but it's nice to let myself imagine that.

We have one more race to go before the relays start. Peter and I decide to stay sitting at our table since he apparently predicts that we will be ambushed if we leave the safety of the table. I roll my eyes at him, but am glad to stay here as well. We are sitting chatting about random things and teasing each other as we always do when I see Melanie, a girl from our chemistry class walks over.

'Hey Peter.' She greets him with a bright smile, then turns to me. 'You're Lara Jean, right? I think we might be in the same maths class.'

'It's chemistry, but yes that's me.' I inform her, a bright smile on my face.

She isn't affected by my words and turns straight back to Peter. 'What are you doing here?'

'I'm in charge of writing down the times for each of the kids.' He announces proudly.

'Um I think I'm in charge. He is more of an assistant.' I tease him. He scowls at me before turning back to Melanie.

'Oh why are you here then? I mean Lara Jean could just do it.' She twirls her hair around her finger. I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

'I'm giving her a hand.' Peter admits.

'That's so nice of you. Thanks for doing that.' She says. I can't understand why she is thanking him for doing something that has nothing to do with her.

'You're welcome.' He answer with his classic Kavinsky grin.

'So are you coming to the party later?'

'Um I wasn't planning to. I've got to look after my brother.' Peter makes up an excuse. I don't call him up on it, since I am trying to blend out of this conversation.

'Can't you come once he falls asleep?' Melanie tries not to show her disappointment.

'I mean the swimming meets finish next week, so I'm sure you'll be around next Friday.' I decide to pipe in and actually wingwoman him.

Melanie gives me a grateful smile as if I told her she was getting a complimentary hair treatment. 'That's so true. We could do something one-on-one even.'

Peter is giving me a weird look and not replying. I pick his phone up from the table and hand it to Melanie. 'Here put in your number, he'll call you.'

Peter shrugs and puts in his PIN. 'Yeah sure.'

She puts in her number. 'Awesome, well I'll look forward to hearing from you soon!' She then skips away all excited.

I nudge him in the ribs. 'See that wasn't so hard.'

He shrugs, still on his phone. I see him deleting her number.

'Why are you deleting her number?' I ask him, I was really proud of how I got that for him.

'Not interested.'

I have to lowkey agree with him. Melanie is someone who has always tried to be friends with Gen and has always been spreading gossip. I like her to her face, though I can definitely see why he would want to avoid her.

'See you aren't that bad with girls.' I tell him.

'Yeah I never said I was.' He argues.

'You said you don't like it when they ask you things.'

'Yeah like when they try to ask me out straight away, it freaks me out. I don't know how to say no without making them get upset of insecure.'

'Are girls already trying to ask you out?'

'You have no idea.'

'Maybe you need to find someone from another school.'

'That would be ideal.'

'You probably need to find someone soon to cope.'

'Yeah… wait cope with what?'

'Your lack of sex.' I blatantly state.

He almost falls off his chair. 'What are you talking about?'

'You and Gen used to have sex all the time, surely you are about to explode since breaking up with her. Isn't there something about a dry spell?'

'You have no idea what you are talking about.'

'You always explain these things to me whenever I am wrong, so I can tell that I am correct if you aren't.' I clarify to him.

He rolls his eyes. 'I will be fine without Gen.'

'So all your frustration won't come bursting out of you randomly at some point?' I tease him.

He goes red. 'There are other forms of _release_.'

'Like Porn?'

He sighs. 'Why are you asking me about Porn?'

'I'm just curious. I am an inquisitive personality.'

'Why can't you ask McClaren?'

'You think John would describe Porn to me?' I widen my eyes at him.

'Good point. Why don't you just search it? Use incognito mode on Google Chrome then go for your life on Urban Dictionary.'

'Why would I do that when I have you?'

'I'm not talking about this with you.'

'Well then I'll keep asking. Is watching porn the same as having sex?'

I am about to fire another question at him, when the relays begin. He shushes me and points to where they are happening. I am making a list of all the uncomfortable questions I want to ask him between races, as watching him look this uncertain and flustered is incredibly satisfying. Peter makes sure to keep the kids around as long as possible though, not giving me a chance. He strikes up all sorts or conversations with them so that they hang around us until the next group of kids come up. We are getting the last times for the final race when I spot a girl walking over to us. It isn't a girl from the group that was interrogating Peter before but someone who I have never seen before. She is incredibly beautiful, which isn't a word I usually use to describe anyone. She has long wavy dark hair that almost reaches her waist. Her waist is so tiny and somehow even though her face looks around my age, she has quite a developed chest and butt. She is the kind of girl that most guys who be frothing at the mouth over if she walked past them, though Peter hasn't really noticed her.

'Hey, what are you two doing over here?' she asks us, when she gets here.

Peter is checking her out and from the way his eyes are shining and mouth hangs lightly open, I can tell that he is impressed.

'We record all the timekeeping. Do you have a sibling racing?' I pipe up, smiling at her. I am determined to get her number. Peter can't use any excuse now.

'Yeah, my little brother is in the same year as Owen I think.' She looks over at Peter with the mention of his brother.

'Is he faster than Owen?' Peter asks, finally gaining his composure.

She lets out a laugh. 'No way, I think he struggles to even swim 5 metres.'

'I'm sure that's not true.' He smiles at her.

'What high school are you at? I swear I've never seen you before.' I ask her, trying to keep the conversation going.

'I'm at Hardley High School, I'm a sophomore there. What about you?' I immediately respect her more now that she doesn't ignore me like Melanie did.

'We go to Adler High School, which by the way, I'm Lara Jean.'

'I'm Jamila.' She introduces herself. 'You are?' she points towards Peter.

'Peter Kavinsky.' He greets her, rewarding her with a dazzling smile. I can't see why he has to add in the Kavinsky since she already noted that she knows who his brother is, so probably know his last name. Actually it's quite likely she knows him as well, but Peter doesn't seem to notice.

'So you don't swim yourself?' Peter leans back and asks her.

'No, I'm in the cheerleading squad.'

'Nice! I'm on the Lacrosse team.'

'Really? I heard you guys have some star player or something.' She leans in towards Peter.

Peter lets out a winning laugh. 'Well if there is, then you would have to be looking at him.'

I roll my eyes at how vain he is.

'So do you have a sibling who is friends with Owen as well?' She asks me. I can tell immediately that she is trying to suss out whether I am Peter's girlfriend or friend, or as she implied, just an older sister to someone who his little brother is friends with.

'No, my sister is a few years lower than Owen.' I reply.

'Oh so how do you two know each other then?' she glances between Peter and I.

'We have Chemistry and History together at school.' I inform her. Peter gives me a bit of a side glance when I say this. I don't really know what he expects though. Does he want me to spell out our messy history to her as well? That's not really casual conversation.

'That's cool.' I can tell she is happy that I am not in her way. 'I'm actually new around here which is probably why you haven't seen me here before. I didn't think anyone our age would come to this things, so I'm disappointed to have only found you two when the swimming season is almost over.'

I pretend to sympathise with her, even though there are plenty of people our age hanging around. 'Yeah that really sucks. We could totally show you around the town if you want sometime.' I grin to myself as I am slowly coaxing her number out of her. Something she is almost too willing to give.

'Really? Is there much to see around here?'

Peter finally decides to join in. 'Yeah, the UVA campus isn't too far from here and that's pretty cool, then not to mention the amount of amazing restaurants we have here. You can eat the best fried chicken with almost any topping you want and our diner has got to have the highest-standard of food that a diner could ever have, it's amazing. I think I've probably had all of the menu items.' Peter boasts.

She laughs at him, leaning over as she does, emphasising her hips. 'I haven't been to any of those places, you'll have to take me.'

I am almost jumping out of my seat with delight that she is flirting so hard with Peter. I assume he is flirting back with her as well, but that's also because Peter has such a flirtatious personality.

'You won't regret it, I guarantee.' Peter gives her a bright smile.

'So maybe I could get one of your numbers so that we can be in touch?' she asks delicately.

Peter looks over at me, as if expecting me to produce my phone number. I have to stop myself from slapping him and calling him into action, instead I let out a massive sigh of disappointment. 'Oh no, I think I left my phone in the car and I have no idea what my phone number is.' I put on an exasperated expression for Jamila and Peter.

I notice Peter looking down at where my phone is in my pocket, but I give him a dead-stare so he doesn't snitch on me. Before he can though, Jamila saves the day. 'Well why don't I just give Peter my number?' she smiles sweetly. It is all too convenient for her.

Peter puts in his PIN again and hands her his phone. 'Go for it.' He answer, though I can hear some tension in his voice.

She enters in her number then hands him back his phone. 'Awesome, I can't wait till you can show me all those things.' Then she flicks her hair over her shoulder and saunters away.

I can't hide my triumphant smile as I continuously nudge Peter. 'Huh huh huh, you can thank me later! Cause I just did THAT!' I point back to where Jamila was standing before. I am particularly proud of myself.

'Hmmmm, congrats.' He answers, though I watch as he goes to delete her number as well. It gets to the confirmation window when I snatch his phone out of his hands.

'What are you doing? I worked hard to get you that.' I frown at him. I undo his almost deletion of her contact.

'Yeah why did you do that?' He asks me, looking at me hard.

'You should be thanking me. She's perfect for you. Why wouldn't you want her number? You've basically got a date with her set up because of me.'

'When did I say that's what I wanted?' Peter snaps.

'I don't know. I just thought that because you are single, you'd be looking for options now.' I hold up hands up in defence.

'Looking for options? You mean looking for a rebound? I am not trying to rebound off anyone.' Peter snarls under his breath.

'Peter, you can't get mad at me. That girl was gorgeous and she went to another school and had nothing to do with Gen, how was it not perfect that I got her number for you?'

'I never asked you to. I don't want to be thrown at girls like a piece of meat that's finally available.'

'That's not what I was doing.'

'Then why did you want to wingwoman me huh? Because you couldn't stand the thought of having yourself associated with me anymore and just wanted to throw another girl under the bus to be grouped in with rumours about me.'

'You say that like I am not allowed to be annoyed and hurt by those rumours.'

'No you are, but how do you think I feel? Do you think it's any better for me? I've got half of the girls in our year thinking I'm a douchebag and the other half are trying to date me.'

'Which is why a girl from another school is so perfect.' I am still trying to figure out why he is so annoyed at me.

'You don't get it!' he runs his hand through his hair and finishes writing down the times, signing his signature at the bottom. 'I can see how you and John have lasted so long, you both love making assumptions about other people and acting on them because you think you are doing them a favour instead of finding out how they actually feel.'

'That's not at all what I was trying to do.' I say shakily to him.

'Really? So you didn't assume that I was some stupid jock who was so crazy about sex that he would get with the closest or hottest girl around to do it? I thought you had changed, Covey. I thought you weren't as judgemental as you were before, or at least you weren't as judgemental about me, but clearly you can't see me in any other light than a member of the lacrosse team who hangs in a group more popular than yours.' He snaps at me, his eyes narrow and then he storms away from the table. I am left with tears grouping behind my eyes and my mouth dropping open. I have never imagined that Peter could get this mad and would be so annoyed at me. I also feel guilty because I know that I was judging him in that way and I had forgotten how much I knew about him.

When Margot comes to pick me and Kitty up, Kitty is gawking on and on about her times this evening. She is predicting that she might even get the award for most improved. I am off with my thoughts though. I can't believe how this night has gone. I can imagine that Peter is upset, I know I would be as on edge as he is if I had spent a lot of time invested in a relationship that had just crumpled on me and then I had to hear about it every day at school. I shouldn't have pushed him as much as I did, I don't even know why I did. By the time we get home, I am so deep in my thoughts that I hardly notice John's dad's car out the front of our house. When I am brought back to reality, I see him standing by the car waiting for us to arrive.

Kitty jumps out of the car, running towards the house as she is going on about finally having food. Margot turns back to me and puts a hand on my knee. 'He's been here since before I left. Just make sure you give him a chance.'

I smile at her and give her a little nod, as I get out of the car. Margot waves at John and then walks up to the house.

'Hey.' I greet him., I immediately throw my arms around him just wanting to be held.

'Hey.' He sighs into my shoulder. He squeezes me. 'Are you ok?'

'Yeah, I'm just ready for this week to be over.'

'Me too.' He replies. He pulls away and looks at me. 'Can we go for a drive? Maybe talk a little bit.'

I nod and get into the passenger seat. He drives us to the nearby park, the one where Kitty usually goes when she takes Jamie for a walk. He turns off the ignition and takes his keys out.

'I know that it's going to take us a long time to sort through this, but I think we both need to be clear about what we want out of each other now.' John confesses, looking at me.

I look at him, seeing some sadness in his eyes. 'I know.' I agree.

'What's changed over these past few months?'

I let out a sigh. I start tracing the window, as it starts to go a little foggy. 'I don't know. I have some sort of idea that this is usually what couples go through once they hit two years, but this feels like more of a personal thing.' I admit.

He nods. 'Yeah after two years, they say it relies on friendship between you more than the excitement and thrill of it all. Though I always thought we would be fine considering that we were friends first.'

'I know, I just, it's weird, all of the things that used to be fine and I used to love about you, they are just starting to get on my nerves more.'

'So what do you need me to do?' he asks hopelessly.

I grab his hand and squeeze it. 'I'll never forget the way that you helped me so much after everything, you were so patient and understanding of everything that I was going through. It seemed like no one was around to understand me but you were there. You were always there. I won't ever forget that.'

He sighs. 'You haven't answered my question.'

'It's unfair for me to expect you to change because of me. I love the way that you stand up for me, but sometimes it is too much. I also admire how intelligent you are but sometimes I feel like you are belittling me. But then I do love how kind you are and how witty you are as well. I can see us being together for a long time, especially when we have already been through so much.'

'But….?' He prompts me.

'But I think I need to figure out whether this is a phrase or if it's how I now feel. I'm sorry I can't get you a definite answer and I understand if you don't want to put up with this anymore.' I look down, tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I don't know what I will do if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

He squeezes my hand. 'As long as you are still in it, then so am I.' he has a beautiful smile on his face.

I smile back at him and reach over, cupping his face. I press my lips against his, enjoying the comfort that they bring me. They are the lips I've kissed for the last almost two years and don't know much else. The fact that he is willing to give me this chance despite how weird I am acting, must be so hard for him so I need him to know that I appreciate it.

We drive back to my house. I rest my head against his shoulder. We arrive outside and we kiss one last time before I go inside.

There is so much on my mind as I fall asleep. Not only is my last conversation with John playing on mind but also what Peter was saying. It's so strange that I am still thinking about him. He and John are so similar. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and are willing to get hurt. They make the people around them feel ground and never want to give up on anyone. Though with all of their amazing emotions which allow them to love so openly and be so understanding of the people around them, they are also hurt so easily and don't want to open themselves up to that so quickly. It makes me realise how they were friends for so long and how I can be thinking about both of them so easily. I can finally grasp tat Peter and I won't be friends for much longer. After what happened tonight when we argued twice, I can see that he probably doesn't want much to do with me and it's a good thing. I need to focus on my own relationship with John. That's how it's meant to be, I'm sure of it.

 _A/n: Hello! I know this update is a little late! But unfortunately we are reaching the point where I might have to falter on my one chapter a day updates. I am actually shocked I have managed to keep it up for so long and be as consistent for over a week, but yeah I am getting a wee bit burnt out and am struggling with some upcoming chapters, so I'm going to give it a break so that the rest of the story is good instead of trying to force it! Though I don't intend to be on a break for too long!_

 _I have re-read parts of PS I still love you and yeah I do admit that I have changed John's character as lot, but like we didn't really see much wrong with him in the books tbh, so I've had to add my own bad traits to him which I am sorry for doing._

 _I hope you guys really love this chatper! I have tried to put in more book elements/unchanged elements! Please let me know what you think!_


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

The weekend passes. I can't really say that I did a lot. I spent most of my time up in my room studying and summarising the work we have done for this week. I decided to try a few new baking recipes and whipped up some orange and poppy seed muffins, white chocolate coconut cookies and of course my sand chocolate chip cookies. Kitty was out and about, so Daddy drove with me to pick her up. It was incredibly scary and I spent most of the time thinking that I was going to crash, but Daddy stayed calm the entire time and gave me really good instructions. John and I were going to double date with Josh and Margot, but Margot had a bit of a crisis about an assessment she has due soon so she cancelled. We didn't want to do anything with only three of us so I had another night in with Kitty and Daddy.

Walking through the halls to school feels different somehow. John gives me a look full of hope, probably wishing that I will come running up to him one day and confess how I am finished with these feelings and ready for things to go back to normal between us. I have to avoid staring at him for too long, as I start to feel guilty about still not knowing what I am feeling. Deep down, it feels wrong to be acting like this and maybe the fact that I am having any reservations about him is enough to warrant breaking up with him, at least until I'm sure. Though the thought of us being like strangers to each other is so hard to bear.

As I look away from John, I see Peter glancing at me. I have felt his eyes on me for a while. We lock eyes and he gives me a little smile, but I turn my head away. It's better this way. I've already caused him enough pain and enough trouble, there is no need for me to cause more.

The rest of the day goes slowly. Chris's stories feel almost numb to my ears. She is going on about some concert she went to and some guy she met there who she hooked up with. I enjoy her stories though find them a) hard to keep up with and b) not incredibly relatable. She moans on for a while through out the last few classes. Teachers keep glaring at us, but they can't get angry at me given that I have done all the work.

By the time the final bell goes. I can't really recall much of the day. It seems like a blur to me and my thoughts. I decide to go to the library for the afternoon. Margot is on high-stress mood and seems to be cracking at even the slightest thing that goes wrong. I am still a little terrified of her after she almost screamed her head off at me when I left an unwashed cup on the kitchen table. I know she is very stress and all around worried about her assignments and exams. I feel sorry for her and keep bringing cookies up to her. I am not in any hurry at all to be in the same position that she is in now.

I set up everything in the library. I have my books out and am working away. I choose to start off with Maths. We have several problems due tomorrow and it's easy for me to work through them quickly. I have picked up on the fact that most mathematics concepts are just processes that are memorised and then applied to different numbers for different questions. I plug in my headphones and easily work through the worksheets. I am so busy going through them that I don't even notice someone sitting across from me. It's not until I see long fingers tapping in my eye view that I am aware of the presence. With a shock, I take off my headphones and look up to see Peter sitting across from me.

'Damn Covey, those things to go through a war zone. I said your name like six times already.' Peter jokes.

'Sorry I was in the zone doing these maths problems.' I admit.

He lets out a chuckle. Probably about my ability to be carried away by maths. 'I wanted to talk to you.' He announces.

'And here I thought you were here to study.' I raise my eyebrows at him. I look around us and notice there aren't too many people here. Most people have their earphones or headphones on so it should be ok for us to talk.

'I need to apologise for what I said on Friday night at the swim meet.' He rubs the back of his head as he speaks softly.

'No need, everything you said was true.' I keep my eyes on the paper in front of him.

'No it wasn't. I don't think you are judgemental, at least not anymore. I know you see me as more of a jock as well. I just… I don't know… I'm still getting used to this idea of being single and even having you put a girl like that on a silver platter in front of me, it freaked me out.'

'Why?' I peer at him.

He runs his hand through his hair. 'I've never simply looked at a girl and then liked her. Any girl I've liked has always been a friend first and then I've developed feelings. I usually get to know them before anything serious happens.' His eyes are hopeless and defeated.

I nod. 'I know what you mean, but you have to start somewhere, I suppose.'

'Yeah that's true. I'm sorry I got mad at you though. I had no right to and the things I said were so wrong and awful that I can't bear the thought of you actually believing them. You did have good intentions and I know that. I should have tried harder to talk to you last week as well. You didn't need to help me the night that I showed up on your doorstep, but you did and honestly, I don't know what I would have done or how I would have coped with all these if you hadn't.' His eyes are honest and genuine. They flash as he talks about the weekend when he came to my house, so I can tell he means every word.

'It's ok. I'm glad that you are doing alright. It's just so awful what Genevieve has done to you.' I whisper to him, so only he can hear. 'It's not fair that some of the people who try the hardest and put the most effort are the ones that get hurt the most.'

He nods. 'I can't really justify what she did, but in a way I am happy that it all happened.'

'Why?'

He lets out a deep breath. 'Can we talk about this somewhere else?' I think he has noticed a few people turning their heads around to look at us.

I nod, gathering my things in my arms and following him out. We go outside and sit on one of the picnic tables just under the tree by the track. It doesn't have any leaves on it at the moment because of the fall. There are so many orange, brown and golden leaves around us. They gently rustle with the soft breeze that comes from the west. The sun is slightly lower in the sky than it usually would be, but still high enough that it is bright out. By the time we get to winter, it will be gradually setting by this time in the afternoon. I have so many fond memories of going out to UA with my mum and watching the sunsets in the fall. She used to bring grey knitted blankets and hot cocoa in a flask for us to drink when the breeze got colder. As we got older, none of us wanted to go anymore. We had so many excuses about how busy we were and everything so we stopped going. Now there isn't much that I wouldn't give to have one of those moment again.

Peter sits across from me at the table, with his forearms leaning across the bench towards me. I make myself comfortable on the bench as well, but fold my hands in my lap.

'You don't need to justify anything to be by the way. You don't owe me anything.' I try to ease the mood between us.

He shakes his head. 'Trust me, I'm not going to tell you anything because I feel like I have to. I meant what I have said before, I feel like I can actually talk to you and you have a way of understanding me. I'm telling you these things because I want to.'

I have to smile at him. 'Yeah I know what you mean. I don't want to push you to do anything.'

'You know how I sent through a whole lot of stuff with my dad?'

'Yeah, but that was a while ago, wasn't it?' It has happened when he was about 6 years old I think. He hardly ever spoke about his dad when we were in middle school. Whenever fathers day events happened, he used to bring his uncle instead. We tried to ask him a few times but he refused to talk about it. Even John wasn't really sure of what happened. All we knew was that his dad had abandoned him and his family and didn't care about him or Owen.

'Yeah but he came back about a year ago and tried to be more involved in our lives. At first I was really against it.' Peter pauses and looks down at his finger which are fidgeting in front of him. 'But I couldn't admit that it felt really nice to have him around. He used to come to my lacrosse games, watch Owen swim, help us with out homework and take us to the movies. We really thought that he was coming back into our lives because he wanted to be involved and he wanted to get to know us after not caring about us for so long.'

He takes a deep breath. I have an inkling why he is saying this, because while he is talking about the amazing things his dad did back then, I do know that his dad is no longer around.

Peter looks up at me. There is a mixture of sadness and disappointment in his eyes. 'Then one day he just didn't come back. He had spent all this time with us then he suddenly didn't show up anymore. I can't even describe how it felt. How Owen and I had so much hope that we were finally having our dad back. He was finally giving us a chance and wanted us to have a relationship with him. That was when Owen and I really stopped talking to each other and we both just shut ourselves off. We went to our rooms and didn't talk much to anyone. We found out later that he was trying to get money from our mum. He was using us in order to convince her to give him money. Eventually he ended up lying to her and told her he was going to buy me a laptop. She gave him the money to buy it for me and he ran off with it.'

'Why did he need money?' I pipe up, wondering why someone would go to such lengths.

'I had no idea but we later found out that it was to finance a cruise that he was taking with his wife and two kids in Europe. He needed the extra money. Apparently his wife was starting to get sick of his jackass behaviour and was about to divorce him until that happened. Now she is stuck with him.'

'Peter, I'm so sorry.' I lean closer to him, looking at him deeply so he knows that I am genuine about my emotions.

'It's ok. I'm not trying to talk to you to have a pity party, but I was giving you context. My point was that during that time, Gen and I were together. We were still very close and had a good relationship. I honestly don't know what I would have done if she wasn't there. She kept reminding me how important my emotions were and even just her needing me in her life was enough to make me remember that my dad wasn't the only thing in my life. It felt nice to be wanted and to be needed by her during that time. She was the only one who could give me a single moment of the day where I didn't have to feel anything. I didn't have to be this easy going popular person at school, but also not closed off and upset at home. I was just me.'

'That's nice that you had so many positive moments.'

He shrugs. 'She had a whole lot of stuff going on with her family as well which I helped her through. Sometimes I used to think that it would be her and me against the world, given we had done so well to get through these problems. It was a nice bubble I was living in.'

'So how are you happy that you have broken up now?' I am really struggling to see where this conversation is going. Maybe he is back with Genevieve.

He sighs. 'I don't think I would have ever been able to let her go. I held on to that time so tightly and how she supported me, that I refused to see her in any other light. I never was honest with myself about the things that she was doing and the actual state of our relationship. I didn't want to think she was anything other than this amazing girlfriend. I couldn't because of everything she has done. Then once I found out she was cheating on me and we ended the relationship. I don't know…' he pauses and looks at me wistfully. 'It was almost like I was set free. I no longer had to feel guilty about what we went through together and the fact that I might be ending that, because I finally could actually see the truth.'

'What's the truth?' I ask him in a small whisper.

'The truth is that I should have ended it so much earlier. I should have stopped trying to force her to be what I wanted and stopped forcing myself to bottle things up and not realise that she wasn't the one for me. It would have saved me a hell of a lot more time and I wouldn't have had as much pain.'

'Does she know that?'

'I think she does. We are somewhat friends now because of it. Not because I forgive her for cheating on me, that's going to take more time but because we both understand that we were trying too hard for too long.'

It is so hard to break my eyes away from his. I don't want to be hearing this. Not at all. It's the last thing. It's niggling at my brain and bringing forth all of my doubts that I had before. It is so hard to think about his words and the amount of truth that they have to them. I can't bear this meaning.

'Are you good, Covey? You look a bit pale.' Peter suddenly asks me concerned.

I nod staring off into the distance. 'I don't know if I can talk about this with you.'

He reaches his hand over and sits it on top of mine. He strokes my knuckles with his thumb. 'You can tell me anything.' He looks hard at my eyes as if he is hanging off every single one of my words, which I am sure he is.

I keep my eye line on the tree next to us. It makes the words just spill out. 'I don't know if I can lose anymore people in my life, but I understand what you mean by Gen.' he strokes my knuckles again and nods sympathetically at me.

'When my mum passed.' I need to take a breath as I say this. 'I felt so alone. I never really felt like I fitted in much at school and even in my family. Margot was always the smart, talented one whereas Kitty was the loud, creative one. I wasn't really sure where that left me, but everyday my mum would tell me how special I was and how much I brought to her life and to my family. She was the backbone of our family. I hardly ever thought about her presence, until it wasn't there anymore.'

I look over at Peter. 'Just after it happened when I felt so lost, the moment that it all began to feel ok and I thought that I would be able to get through all of this was the moment that you came over and you kissed me. It was probably similar to how you felt with Gen, but I realised how much more that I had around me and I could experience even if my mother wasn't here with me. Though it didn't take long for me to lose you as well.'

Peter's face falls as I say that. I can see the guilt and regret in his eyes.

'I came back to school and nothing was the same. My life at home was falling apart and now I couldn't even recognise who my friends were at school. Margot and Kitty were coping with everything in their own ways and Daddy was in so much pain.' A tear fall from my eye, as I remember Daddy constantly trying to hold it together every night as he tried to fill the void that our mother had left.

'There was only one thing constant in my life and that was John. He was my best friend, the one who always asked me how I was going, not in relation to how I was coping but just how I was doing that day. He made me smile when I felt like there was no hope in life anymore. He made me laugh on the days I didn't want to get out of bed. When we started dating, he was determined to give me the best experience ever and never once let me down. He protected all the time and I knew that he would never leave my side and he would always be there for me.' I take a moment to break. Peter is staring at me again, he has stopped fidgeting with his hands.

'I don't know if I could ever give that up. Right now, if I were to break up with him, I feel like my life would fall apart and I would lose the one thing that's keeping me together.' I admit to Peter.

Peter lets out a breath of disbelief. 'But you know that you and John aren't right for each other.'

'I don't know. I think I need to choose him and choose that we are right for each other.' I tell him.

Peter puts his hands out on the table. 'Lara Jean, I don't think I can apologise enough for what I did in seventh grade. I can't believe that I thought what I was doing was not hurting you, but I ended up causing you this much pain.'

'Peter, it's ok.' I reassure him.

'No, I should have been there. I should have been the one making you feel better. I shouldn't have ever let you feel so lost and alone.'

I give him a little smile. It's almost like coming up for air. The way that he can understand what I am saying. Finally someone can understand.

'But you can't make my same mistake with John. You can't keep forcing your relationship to work out knowing that you are having problems. Just because he did all of those things for you doesn't mean you should stay with him. You need to give him a chance to move on as well, or you'll end up hurting him more if you force him to stay with you.'

I nod, tears streaming down my face. 'I know, I know, but selfishly I don't know if I can.'

'You can. You have to love him enough to want this for him.'

'But it's going to hurt so much.'

'Yeah, at the end of the day, it's your decision.'

I listen to his words. They are now weighing on my conscious and my mind much more than I intended them to.

'Do you think if all of this hadn't happened you would have been able to let her go?' I peer at him curiously.

He looks slightly taken aback by my question. 'Why do you ask that?' I know that it is pushing him to fantasise about what might have happened and about the what ifs despite not being able to go back in history and rewrite the past.

'I know it seems like everything that you are saying makes sense to me, but I can't forget what actually happened to you. John would never do what Gen did, so I don't know if I can judge him the same way.'

Peter nods. 'Yeah I can't say that I wouldn't still be with Gen now, if these things hadn't happened. All I am saying is that I'm glad it did, because it made me realise that Gen and I haven't loved each other, like well and truly loved who the other person was in this moment for a long time and it would have hurt a whole lot more discovering that if I had put even more time into it.'

I have to let out the breath that I am holding. I think I know what I have to do.

 _A/N: Oh no! What's Lara Jean going to do? I am back from a bit of my break, still can't guarantee that there will be one chapter per day updates again, but hopefully they will be more frequent. I hope you all love this chapter! Please review, favourite and follow to let me know what you think!_


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

My night has been totally unproductive. My conversation with Peter keeps playing on my mind and how everything he said and he felt with Genevieve is how I am feeling right now, but the difference is that I can see it so clearly whereas he couldn't. Damn Peter Kavinsky. Why couldn't he have stayed inside a little longer? Why did he ever have to decide to come out for air at that party? Why did he even talk to me? Why was it that suddenly after almost 2 years or more of ignoring me, he decides at that moment to finally speak up? I then think about the fact that it wasn't really that night that even did it for me and John, nor was it at the swimming meet. He and I were off in our own little bubbles of our relationships. We were both so wide eyed and bushy tailed about the fact that we could sort out all of the problems that we were having. I can't help but also think it was the night that Peter was something that I needed. I went to that swim meet intending to have a bad time and he completely turned that around. That was probably the moment I stopped seeing him as this stupid jock but again as a boy that I had loved before. Then this stupid history project was the cherry on top. Being forced to work with him multiple times a week and spend hours with him somehow convinced me that he wasn't a bad guy and even worse, that he was a really good friend. It all seems so weird how we just opened up to each other and let the other person in. We should have just kept things professional, had a contract or something that made sure that we were not getting any closer to each other. But we did. I didn't only see him in a different light, but also myself. I saw how it felt to have someone care about you and support you. I learnt that being protective is different from being possessive and the difference is massive. I realised that having someone fully understand you is better than having someone interpret things for you and relay them on to everyone else. Comfort and trust in someone isn't something that exclusively builds over time, it builds between the two of you and the conversations that you have. Right now every conversation that I have had with John about making this through and having a strong relationship is paling in comparison to the one that I just had with Peter. I can't ignore this voice in my head any longer.

Kitty eventually comes up the stairs and sees me laying on my bed. She waltzes in and flops herself on my bed.

'What are you doing?' she asks in a sing-song voice.

'Just thinking.' I reply softly.

'About?'

'Things.'

'Like?'

'None of your business.'

'Lara Jean?'

'Yeah?'

'Just letting you know, that I wouldn't mind at all if you dumped John for Peter.'

I bolt upright and look down at her. 'Kitty, what are you talking about? You can't say that.'

She looks guiltily at me. 'But Peter is much better looking. He is looks like Ferris Bueller but hotter and he is so much wittier and more fun. You seem more relaxed around him and I know you and John are having problems. But Peter could be great to fix that. He is super cool and he is popular, which means he probably goes to parties which he can take you too and he owns an Audi…' Kitty rambles on and on.

'Kitty, just because he is good looking -IN YOUR OPINION, has an Audi, is popular and cool, doesn't mean I'm going to date him. Having a relationship is a lot more than that.'

'I know it is, but I like having Peter around, more than I like John.'

I sigh. I can't really get mad at her. Deep down, I know she doesn't exactly know what she is talking about. She is going through the classic pre-teen phase where they are convinced that the world revolves around them and they do whatever they can to make those thoughts are reality.

'I know John and I are having problems, but I'm not going to dump him for Peter. If I do it, it's going to be for myself.' I try to vaguely tell her, but from the way her eyes widen I can tell I've given away my secret thoughts.

'You're going to break up with John?' She says loudly.

'Shush!' I cover her mouth with my hand. 'I don't know yet.' That's not true, I know what I am going to do but I don't want to tell her.

Margot then pops her head in. 'Did you tell Kitty you are breaking up with John before you told me?' she is glaring at me. She is quite stressed and sleep deprived so I don't want to get on her nerves.

'I never said that. Kitty is making assumptions.' I defend myself.

Kitty looks over at Margot. 'Lara Jean said she is going to dump John for herself.'

'What?' Margot gives me a weird look, then she glances at Kitty. 'Kitty, can you give us a moment?'

I watch as Kitty's face falls as she is ushered away and I am immediately brought back to when our mum passed and we didn't full include Kitty. 'No, it's ok. Kitty, you can stay, but no more opinions about Peter, ok?' I look at her.

She smiles so brightly and settles back on my bed. She even scoots behind me so she can do a braid crown. I can tell she is ecstatic to finally be included in our boy talk. Margot stares at her worryingly, but then lets out a breath and sits on my bed.

'Are you thinking about breaking up with John?' her brown eyes are penetrating deep into mine. There is not a chance that I would be able to lie to her now. She would recognise it immediately.

'I think so.' I drop my eyes. I can't help but suddenly be inundated with so much guilt. There is so much connected to him. Not even how he was there for me, but how he was also there for Margot. He and Josh would sometimes take turns being there for us, getting us food and doing washing to help out. Josh and him are good friends. From all the double dating that we do and the amount of time that we spend together, they would have to be. I don't want Josh to feel like he can't hang out with John anymore because of this and vice verse, but it would also be crazy weird to keep seeing John next door all the time. I don't even want to think about Margot, but then the thoughts come crashing in. She has a job at Belleview, where she sees Stormy all of time. Is Stormy going to treat her the same? Stormy always goes on and on about how much she adores John and I being together. She has told me so many stories about him under the assumption that I am going to be the girl for him and that I am his future. She was already rejoicing that she was going to have one last chance to attend a wedding (though it freaked John and I out). Then John and Margot are close too, obviously not as close as Margot and me, but she'll miss him. The moments that he spent cheering up the both of us when we were having down days. When he would give us lifts to places and help around the house, even the way that he and Margot argued about things that were much more intelligent than either Josh or I could keep up with. I know she will miss that. I can't deny that I would be losing more than him as well. Most of the parties that I go to are because he plus ones me, or they invite me because they want him to come. Our groups at school were friends with him first and then me. We partnered together for every project and always helped each other with our projects. I would never be able to hang out with his mother as much and my heart will break again when Stormy thinks badly of me. She'll never want to talk to me again. It already brings tears to my eyes, but then I remember what Peter said and how so many things make you hold on to something that you know isn't working. I have to set John free, that way he can bring home the actual girl of his dreams who will be perfect for him and appreciate and love him throughout his life.

'Why?' Margot gives me big eyes.

'There are so many things wrong. When John and I first got together, I was so lost. I thought I had moved on and I believed that everything was fine, but I was in denial because I had no idea who I was. I had rebuilt my identity somehow attached to him. It was great at first, he helped me so much and protected me from things that to this day, I don't know about. He made me feel like me again and it almost seemed as though everything was ok. Now I've found my way a bit more and I don't know how much of myself and him fit together any more. I am finding so many things about him that I once praised him for, but now they frustrate me and I don't want to deal with them. I know we had an amazing relationship, but we have had problems for a while now that I don't think are going to be fixed and I don't know if I want them to be fixed. It's reaching the point where to fix them, it means changing either who he is or who I am, when there is nothing wrong with either of us, except that this relationship is wrong for us.' I let out the words and Margot nods slightly in agreement.

'What problems are they? What has changed about you?' She pries a little more. I can tell she is probably searching for her own reassurance of how my relationship is different to her and Josh's.

'I realised that he was protective over me, something I valued a lot when I was upset because it meant I didn't talk about things, but now it was getting almost possessive and he wasn't letting me move on and grow and be able to speak about it with others. This protectiveness wasn't an issue for that alone either. The way that he has become accustomed to speaking on behalf of me or for me, is something that I am not ok with anymore. I have told him this, but he can't see any issue because it's the side of him that wants to protect me that isn't seeing how it is becoming possessive.'

Margot nods. 'Yeah I had noticed that a little. Anything else?'

'Sometimes I feel like he is listening to me for the sake of listening and for being my boyfriend, instead of actually listening to me to understand me. Sometimes I think he isn't even hearing me, but just waiting for his turn to speak. He has assumed that after two years he knows me enough to not have to.'

Margot keeps nodding so I continue. I can sense she is becoming more and more convinced. Even though I don't need to justify myself to her and she wouldn't force me to, I can't deny that it feels great having her know. She is the person I am closest to in my entire life and she needs to know this. I need her to know this.

'The biggest part of me that has changed as well is that I want to shine a little. I think I was constantly ok with being invisible and being ignored, but I enjoy when people notice me a little and when I have people to say hi to. I like being able to cheer on so many people and have them remember me in a way instead of staying silent.' I reveal to her.

'Does that have something to do with Peter?' she peers at me. I feel Kitty's hands stop braiding my hair for a moment, paying close attention to my answer.

I nod. 'It's not something he has planted in my head and exploited, but rather a side I didn't realise that I had. I enjoyed cheering on each of those kids at the swimming carnival and talking to them instead of only sitting back. I like teasing people and being light-hearted with them. I also enjoy being recognised for being smart and working hard as opposed to always being compared to John. I want to be able to bring more to a relationship rather than bringing less in comparison to the other person all the time.'

Margot is still nodding. 'I guess that's what happens when you date someone who is incredibly similar to you.' She rationalises.

'Yeah, I guess so. I just don't want to hurt him.'

'I think that's inevitable at this point, but you should explain to him why and maybe it will be easier for him to move on from it.'

'I hope so. How are you and Josh going? You aren't having any similar problems, are you?'

Margot shakes her head. 'I understand what you mean about being a different person once mum passed and now having moved on a lot more, there are things about them that don't work anymore. I think I am a bit more of my own person than you are. You know, Josh and I aren't in the same grade at school and we have different friends, which has meant that even though he treats me a bit differently, my friends balance that out.'

'That does make sense, but I'm scared I am going to lose so much more than just John.' I confess to her.

'Stormy will understand if that's what you are worried about, remember how she says that you should never say no, when you really want to say yes.'

Stormy's words come back to me and I realise how true they are and how applicable they are to me right now. I know she would want me to do this if it were any other guy and if she could remove the relation to John, then she would want this for me as well.

'I will miss her a lot.'

Margot shrugs. 'You'll see her again. I'm sure of it.'

We both nod. She then pulls me close and gives me a hug, even Kitty joins in on the hug.

'I don't want you two telling Daddy though, I want to tell him myself.'

They nod in agreement.

Kitty then decides to speak. 'Finally someone else can be single with me. I thought for a second I would be the only person without a boyfriend for the rest of our lives.'

'Oh Kitty.' Margot rolls her eyes. 'You'll have one soon enough and we'll be pressing you for all the details just like this.'

Kitty shrugs. Margot and I share worried looks over the top of her head. We are both sure that as soon as Kitty gets a boyfriend, there is going to be so much chaos around us. She probably won't stop talking about him or having fights with him, but I know that whoever she ends up with, she'll definitely have him wrapped around her finger

We stay there a little longer. I can't feel the tears coming yet but I am sure that I will breakdown as soon as I see John, knowing how much I am going to hurt him. Kitty and Margot eventually leave my room. Margot has to get back to studying and Kitty is doing who knows what. I lie down in my bed a little longer. I have no plan of doing any homework tonight, but I know that I should because I am really not going to be useful at all tomorrow. I can already feel my heart aching, it makes me not what to make this decision. I can avoid this pain and this sadness, I can protect John from it as well by simply not going through with this. But I have to. I need to.

After a few more hours, I wander downstairs to make myself a Night-Night tea with two tablespoons of honey just like my mum used to make me. I want to feel her fingers running through my hair as she places my head in her lap and comforts me. I want her to tell me that no matter what I do, she will love me and she will support me no matter what. I just need the reassurance from someone who knows me through and through that I am doing that thing. I eventually take my mug upstairs to my room and try to get some sleep, though the guilt is weighing down on me like a rock.

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I manage to get through most of the day avoiding John. He doesn't seem to notice much as I play if off as having a big assignment due. I think he might have seen something in my eye though as he almost stopped for a moment searching my face, but then he stopped. I am glad that it is the weekend tomorrow so that I can just do it tonight and not have to see him at least for a while. It's how I would have wanted it to be done. At lunch I told him that I wanted us to talk this afternoon and he nodded, understandingly as if something had just clicked in his head. I then didn't see him for the rest of the day. Margot agreed to give me a lift to his house and pick me up when I text her. I had read that it was most respectful to do it in a private place where he could feel comfortable and also one where I was able to leave. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already will.

I walk up the stairs to his house. I already feel a lump in my throat as I approach the door. I know that I will cry, that much is for sure. I knock and he answer, his eyes are wary of me. I sit down on the couch and he sits down next to me. We have barely touched all day. No hugs, no kisses, no nothing so I think there is a part of him that must know.

'What did you want to talk about?' He asks me, I hear a slight shake in his voice.

'John….' I start, looking at him. My eyes are filling with tears.

'Are you here to break up with me?' he asks, his voice breaks.

I nod. 'Yeah, I'm so sorry.' Tears fall down my face.

'Why?' he looks at me with such sad eyes.

'Things have been different, haven't they?'

He nods. 'Yeah.'

'I don't want you to change for me and I don't want to have to change for you either. We both need to be our own people and I don't think we can when we are together.'

'What do you mean? We are both different people but we can work through this.' He pleads.

'I don't know if we can.' I admit.

'Why not?' I see tears in his eyes and can tell that he acting gruff as a way to cope with this.

'You protect me whenever you can because that's how you see me. I think that's how you'll always see me, is your best friend who went through a tragedy. That's how I saw myself for a while as well, but I don't want that anymore. I need to not associate what happened to my identity, because yes it happened to me, but it's not who I am and with you, I don't know if I can do that.'

'I don't know what I did wrong?' John asks helplessly, his hands on his knees.

'You didn't do anything wrong. Neither did I. We are just wrong.'

Tears are falling down his cheeks. 'I tried my best, Lara Jean. I did whatever I could, but you didn't want me.'

'I did want you. I always wanted you, but I don't know if it's what I need.'

'What do you need then?' he asks.

'I need to let you go now. I need to hurt you once now, so that I don't hurt you a lot more later.'

'What's that supposed to mean?' he gives me confused eyes.

'You are right. There is a part of me that has hope. There is a part of me that thinks that we could work through all of this, but somehow there's still something missing and I am not sure what it is, but prolong that revelation to you would be wasting both of our times.' I admit to him. I search his eyes and have a bittersweet feeling when he nods understandingly.

'That's true. There always has been something missing. I thought that maybe we would grow into it and it would become something more, but it hasn't. I think I've just been keeping myself from admitting that because I didn't want to leave you.'

I reach my hand over and rest it on his. 'It's for the best. The worse thing either of us could do is deny each other a chance at happiness in order to protect each other.'

He nods again. 'I'll miss you though. I'll miss your family as well.' He says tearfully.

'Me too. Though you can always come and see them.' I try.

He shakes his head. 'It won't be the same.'

I hear so much hurt in his voice and I feel the same way. All the relationships we had built and had branched off from our own were so important and were so special to the both of us. They blossomed because we loved each other and the people around us saw it and wanted to be invested as well. We can never have that again. I'll always be the girl that broke his heart. The very first one. I hope that one day I'll be the first, but I won't be the most special. That label will be saved and gifted to someone else. Someone who will love him unconditionally and he will never be able to imagine his life without again.

'Can we still be friends though?' I ask him hopefully.

He lets out a chuckle. Though even that sounds sad coming from him. 'Eventually I think, but I'll need time. I'll need to get over this, otherwise all of those feelings will still be there.'

I have to agree. If we don't change how we act around each other then we'll just go back to being in a relationship instead of giving each other a chance. I also don't want to hold him back from finding someone else because he feels that it would hurt me as his friend.

'I think that's a good idea. Maybe I'll finally be able to get better grades than you.'

He smarts this. 'Nah, now we're broken up, I'll be going full out. No more Mr Nice Guy.'

I playfully nudge him, already it feels better between us. 'I should probably go.' I say when an awkward silence starts to form between us.

He nods. 'I have to ask you one thing though.'

'Yeah?'

'Can you keep visiting Stormy? My aunties and uncles are awful and they don't visit her as much as she should. I don't either. She's so lonely over there and she misses being able to see more people. If she loses you, I know that she will be incredibly upset and wouldn't let me forget it, but please keep seeing her.' He opens the door for me and continues. 'You should see the way she lights up when she mentions that you have visited her. She loves how attentive you are to all of her stories and how you admire her so much. She says that for those moments when she has you there, she forgets all about how she is getting older and is in a nursing home. You make it better.' I notice more tears fall down his cheeks as he admits this.

'I'm sorry, but I will. I promise.' I hug him, squeezing him tight.

He buries his face in my shoulder. It's the last time that we'll be able to do this. I know we both want to take this moment and savour it forever. Our first love story. Our first romance. The one that we'll remember forever. Eventually I hear Margot pull up, so we let go. I give his shoulders one last squeeze before I run over to the car.

'Drive.' I instruct Margot.

She puts her foot on the pedal immediately. As soon as we turn onto the next road, I let it all out. I start sobbing. The tears streaming down my face and even dripping into my lap. I can't see anything as my vision is blurry. I wipe my face with my jacket sleeve but soon it becomes drenched. I struggle to breath between all of my sobs. Margot reaches over and tries to soothe me by rubbing my back, but I can't stop shaking. All I can see in my mind is his face. How hurt his face was. How he looked so confused and didn't understand. Even as I just left, he had a flicker of hope in his eyes once we hugged as if maybe we did have a chance. All the feelings of loss flow back to me. Margot parks the car and turns to me.

'Lara Jean..' she starts to say, but I turn on my heel and bolt into the house.

I hide under my sheets, pushing my face into the pillow hoping that all of my tears are absorbed. I see the white become wet as well. I hear my door open and ignore it. Then I see Margot, placing a mug of Night-Night tea next to bed as well as a piece of cinnamon toast with butter.

'I'm so sorry, Lara Jean.' She comes into the bed. She lies behind me. She's taller than me, so her face sits just over my hair as she rubs my back. She keeps moving her hands around, tracing my shoulder blades and trying to shush me. It comforts me.

'You should have seen his face… I hurt me so bad..' I let out between sobs.

'You knew that was going to happen.' She rationalises. Classic Margot hitting me with her logic.

'But he had no idea… he thought we were fine… that we could work it out.. for a moment I thought we could as well.'

She rubs my back more. 'If you really thought you could have worked it out then you wouldn't have done it. I know you. You are my sister. You are one of the most genuine and kind people out there. You care more about anyone else than you do yourself and you can't bear the thought of anyone being hurt. If there was another way, you would have found it. You wouldn't have done this, if there was anything other option.' She whispers in my ear.

Her words make me cry more, thinking about how nice she made me out to be yet I was so capable of breaking his heart.

'I don't know how I'm going to go to school. He is going to be everywhere. I've never gone to school without him before.'

The thought weighs down on me so much. John and I started dating in eighth grade, we transitioned to high school at the same time. There was something so comforting about knowing that he would be there with me no matter what the whole time and he would always be someone I was closest to. I realised I was losing that safety net.

For some strange reason, no matter how much I cry and how hurt I am. Deep down, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I know that I did the right thing.

 _A/N: So it has been done! Unfortunately, John and LJ are officially over!_ _But this means that it should be a better story for LJ and Peter!_

 _Exciting news is that I will probably be posting a chapter every day at least for the next 2 days. I liked being a chapter ahead of everyone at first, but now I am keen for us all to be on the same page so I can have more feedback as I write!_

 _Get keen for those chapters and again would love for you of you to review and let me know that you are still enjoying this story!_


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

It's already Monday and I feel like I have made no progress in terms of my feelings and state of being. I have been crying on and off for the last few days. Crying for John, crying for myself, crying for my mother. It has all been so overwhelming. It is crazy how one ad event can just set off everything else. I think about all the hurt and pain that has happened in my life so far. It feels strange to suddenly go back to school with John. To go back to an environment that will now be completely different. Well, not completely different but there will be a void there for sure. I have already caught myself glancing out the window when we arrive at school looking for John to be waiting for me. It seems so surreal and so different, but I need to hold my head high.

'Are you going to be ok, Lara Jean?' Margot asks me.

I nod. 'Yeah I should be fine.'

'We'll check in on you at lunch.' She tells me.

'No it's ok.' I try to argue. I try to think about how childish this all is and how it feels like I am in freshman year all over again, when Margot was checking up on me to see if I was fitting in ok. I won't lie I loved when I could see her and didn't have to worry about who I would be sitting with or anything. I secretly would love to see her today as well, I have no idea how John is going to react or even the friends we used to have, so having some stability with Margot might actually be quite needed from me.

'No, it wasn't a question.'

I give her a sweet smile as she squeezes my knee one last time. I haven't been eating much over the last few days either, so Margot even surprised me by packing me my favourite lunch: Rice ball and cowgirl cookies. I have no idea when she would have gotten a chance to make them with all of her study, but it warmed my heart to think that she had done that for me even when her life was busy enough.

I take another deep breath and walk into the school. Walking down the hallway feels strange. Usually John is beside me or I am on my way to see him, I almost feel lost for a moment. I try to shake my head to get rid of the memories. I can't spend my time constantly comparing my life now to how it was with John, otherwise I'm not going to be making any progress of my own and it will feel like I shouldn't have even broken up with him if I keep thinking about him and wanting to be with him all the time. I see him standing at his locker and I give him a little smile, trying to reassure him that I know how he is feeling, and I feel the same way, but he doesn't even look at me. I can tell if he feels my eyes on him as he shuts the door of his locker and leans away from me so he can avoid my eye contact. I try to hold myself together after being rejected by him, telling myself that I deserve this and this is how we have to be until we have both moved on and can actually be friends again, though it doesn't change the sting that goes through my heart. I am almost at my locker, my eyes focussed on where it is, refusing to think about anything else at this time. Then I hear a voice.

'Hi Covey.' Peter says to me, just as I walk past him.

'Hi.' I answer. My words are short. I am sure that by the end of today most of the school will know about John and I breaking up, or well at least anyone who even cares about us will know, which will very likely mean they will all be watching me and Peter, wondering if the rumours about us are true. I can't bear to add any more fuel to that fire, so I decided from this morning that I needed to keep him at a distance.

As soon as I say hi to him, he steps forward as if wanting to say something else, but before he can I quickly weave between two girls walking down the corridor, putting me out of his eyeline and letting me hide away as I walk to my locker. I get there and let out a sigh of relief. I've made it to my locker, now I just need to make it to every other class and break today. My heart drops slightly as I realise the mere act of walking to my locker was probably one of the easiest things I would have to do today. I get out everything that I need for the next few classes, I have History and English. I have no idea where I am going to sit for History given that I used to sit next to John, actually I had been sitting next to Peter for a while when we were partnered together. I doubt we'll be in those spots anymore though as the assignment has been finished for a while, but Mr Henderson had mentioned he wasn't in a rush to switch all the seats around again until the assignments were handed out.

I walk in and see Mr Henderson has written instructions on the board: Sit with your partner for the return of grades.

Peter gives me a wave and a bright smile when I see him. John has his head turned down, still avoiding me. I weave through the desks until I reach the back of the room. Mr Henderson has left, which means he is probably trying to gather all the assignments together before handing them out again.

'Covey! We didn't get a chance to talk in the corridor.' Peter exclaims, clearly oblivious to my discrete ways of trying to avoid him.

'Sorry.' I mumble, getting settled in my chair.

'So is it true?' Peter peers at me.

I look straight ahead, playing dumb. 'Is what true?'

'Are you and McClaren really over?'

I glance at him, his eyes searching mine and his expression uncertain of how to react. 'Yeah we are.'

'Since when?'

'Friday.'

'Damn, I'm sorry.'

'Really?' I look at him, frowning.

'No I'm not. You can do better than him.'

'I don't think there is anyone in this school who is better than him.'

'Oh damn, you went straight to the depression stage didn't you?'

'What?' I have no idea where he is going with this or what he is talking about.

'You know, the 6 stages of grief.'

'What stages did you go?' I know he will have no problem talking about himself.

'Well first there is the shock stage, which you got a front row seat to. You're welcome by the way.' He nudges me with his elbow.

'Yeah thanks for that, I never knew how enjoyable watching someone sob could be.' The words come out of my mouth playfully though even I regret them as soon I say them. He laughs though, not letting me feel bad.

'Then it's denial.'

'What did you do to deny it?'

'After I left your house and I went through a phase where I saw all of Gen's texts and I thought that maybe we could get through it, maybe it was just a kiss, maybe he just came on to her. I tried to rationalise and excuse her behaviour, denying that she could cheat on me. It didn't last long though.' He shrugs, trying not to think about it. I feel bad for him struggling and hoping it could work despite it all.

'Then there is anger, which you always saw as well as my bargaining phase.'

'When did I see this?' Mr Henderson has entered but is shuffling through the papers, so we keep talking.

'At the swim meet. I got angry at you at the start and then I started trying to bargain, thinking that maybe if I didn't get with anyone new and maybe if I didn't rebound then I still had a chance with Gen. We still had a chance together.'

'Really? I thought you were just afraid of girls and didn't want to rebound and be thought of as a jock.'

'That was me trying to think of an excuse. Hence the anger and bargaining kind of came as a package deal.'

'When did I say I signed up for these deals again?' I tease.

He ignores me and continues. 'Then the depression, realising that I was alone and that maybe it was all on me and that I was the one who wasn't good enough.'

'Which you know isn't true.'

He ignores me again. 'Then testing which you witnessed as well, where you try test out new theories and new ways to approach the situation. That was where I tested the idea that Gen and I really weren't meant to be, and we didn't really love each other, so the reason we broke up and the reason she cheated somewhat makes sense.'

'Then acceptance.' I prompt him.

'I don't know if I'm there yet, but I think the fact that she and I have managed to become friends again after everything, knowing how much history we have together is a way of us accepting. Though I can't be sure.' He reveals.

'Wonderful, I can't wait to go through all those stages.' I grumble to him. I can probably think of all the stages I have gone through so far, but I don't want to tell Peter.

He opens his mouth as if to ask me, but then Mr Henderson calls the class to silence.

'I want to express my appreciation to everyone and how well that everyone completed this assignment. I was thoroughly impressed by all the papers and all of the topics. I graded fairly and according to the syllabus, but if you don't understand your grades then please feel free to talk with me at the end. Otherwise, I'll be handing them out for you all to look through.'

He starts handing them out, working around the tables. Peter and I are both silent. I can feel the tension between us rising. We are so nervous about how we did in this assignment. We worked so hard and put in so many hours, we have to have done well. We also submitted it for the history competition so it would be mortifying if Mr Henderson doesn't even think that it is good. We sit, our backs up straight. I feel the desk jiggling, as Peter moves his leg up and down.

'Will you stop it?' I snarl at him.

'What?' He asks, his leg still vibrating the table.

I grab his knee, holding it down so that he stops. 'Stop moving.'

He narrows his eyes at me, but I have a firm grip on his knee. I can tell he is about to say something, when a booklet of paper is placed in front of us: it's our assignment and the mark within the first page.

'Congrats Kavinsky, who knew that you could actually do well in something other than Lacrosse. Brilliant work, Lara Jean. I couldn't decide what was more impressive, your assignment or the fact that you actually got Peter to learn something.' Mr Henderson smiles at them softly.

Don't make any assumption, I tell myself sternly. Whenever I assume something has gone well, it usually goes horribly, so I don't think about his words too much. Peter and I both stare down at the paper in front of us.

'Should we look?' I ask him.

'Same time.' He confirms.

With the booklet lying flat, I pinch the bottom corner and he takes the top.

'1…' he starts.

'2…' I continue.

'3…' we say at the same time turning the paper over.

Written in massive red marker is a big A+ at the top of the paper.

'Oh my god!' Peter exclaims, standing up with excitement.

I am still frozen looking at the grade, I know we worked hard but I have never done this well in history before.

'Covey, give me a hug!' Peter laughs at me, before I can answer his arms are around me, lifting me out of my chair. I am still in a daze.

He sets me down. 'Why aren't you celebrating with me? This is amazing!' he is searching my eyes leaning in front of me.

I blink suddenly and realise how brightly he is smiling at me. A massive smile breaks over my face as well. 'We did it!' I launch myself over at him. He gasps in surprise as I fling my full body force at him but leans back as he catches me.

'Yeah we did!' He says against my shoulder. 'This was all you though.'

We lean away from each other and just sit looking at each other, both of our smiles are huge. We are in this entire new bubble. For a moment, I feel like I am seeing Peter for the first time. I take him in entirely, working down his gorgeous face which I don't think has ever looked brighter until this moment. This close to him I notice the soft waves in his hair and the gentle highlights. I always knew it was a dark brown colour, but now as I look at it, I notice the lighter browns which accentuate his waves and add more texture to his locks. It looks so soft and silky, something I know to be true from the night he came over and rested his head on my lap. It felt like a blanket that has been washed over and over, revealing a soft texture that rested under the unravelled threads. His hair falls just over his forehead. I have seen it sticking to his face before after a lacrosse game. It is just long enough to frame his face, but not enough to touch it while it is dry. My eyes then drift to his eyebrows. They are the same colour as his hair and look like silk as well. Their curvature opens up his face and gives him a sense of warmth and friendliness. From the past few weeks we have spent together I know that they are the same brows that he enjoys moving around making his expressions so open and easy to read. I have to focus on my breathing, so I don't suck in a breath when I reach his eyes. They are a brown colour. Not a dark brown colour where the pupil in lost, but a brown that has specks of gold in it. A brown that makes you think of leaves in the fall, or the way a mixing bowl looks as you blend cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger with warm, melted butter. You can almost smell the scent of warmth and reassurance when you look at them. I continue down his face. His cheekbones are still quite high, structuring his face as I imagine a sculpture would be. I remember when they used to be chubby and bounce up and down when he ran. It didn't take long for all of that baby fac to disappearance. His nose doesn't have a particular shape I can decipher, instead when I see it, I think back to that night at the party. How I bonked him on the nose and he would scrunch in up in annoyance, before it would slightly crinkle as he giggled at our game. For some reason, it makes me what to poke it now and see how he reacts. Out of my peripheral vision I can see his lips, I wander my eyes around his lips so he doesn't think I am trying to give him a sign or anything. Though it's hard. They are a slight pink colour, the upper lip curves as he smiles, revealing his white teeth. His lips look so soft, they have a defined bow on their top which makes his smile look even more gorgeous. I imagine what it would be like to kiss him. How soft his lips would be, how it would feel to have his cheeks resting against min, my hair buried in his soft, silk hair.

My imagination is interrupted by a voice at the front of the room. My eyes drop as I realise I was probably staring weirdly at Peter, though I don't think it was to creepy given that he was doing the same thing to me. Peter turns at the same time that I do.

'Looks like someone isn't happy as we are.' He says smoothly. I have to catch my breath, after trying to take control of my thoughts when they flittered off so much. I can't be having those thoughts, I am honestly giving myself more reasons to avoid Peter.

I focus my eyes on the front of the room where John and Matt have tense looks on their faces as they talk to Mr Henderson. I could hear the harsh tone of John's voice before I even saw him. It's what made me turn away from Peter. He is flipping through the pages of his assignment and pointing at things that he has written. I can tell that he is getting mad from the way that Mr Henderson keep shaking his head and explaining things to him. John keeps rolling his eyes, clearly annoyed at how his assignment was graded. My mind floats back to the time we had spent together discussing our assignment. John was so confident in their assignment. He didn't let me read over it or anything but he never doubted it for a moment. I watch as he continues to get annoyed with Mr Henderson, who keep shutting him down.

'Must be glad you got away from that.' Peter jokes, grinning.

I can't help but feel slightly unsettled. I think that hopelessly gazing at him has given him other ideas maybe. He just looks a bit more smug now. Especially this comment about John, it's very different to how sympathetic he was being before.

'I'm sure he is just trying to get justice.'

'He's probably pissed because he knows his ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend did better than him.' Peter boasts.

'He wouldn't know that.'

'Well he probably will soon. I'll definitely be telling everyone.'

'Why?' I wouldn't think anyone would care about marks.

Ummm, a) I have never gotten an A+ in my life, not even in PE and b) I've got to rub John's face in it.'

'Can you not?'

'Why not?' he huffs at me.

'I've hurt him enough, I don't want to do anything else.'

'Like I care.' Peter smirks. 'Who knows maybe now that we are both single, we should make the best of it.' He wiggles his eyebrows.

'You wish.' I snap at him, a slight tension is building between us.

'Well I can wingman you now. We'll get you out there, Covey. I'll make you irresistible.'

'So you'll make me sexy, I'm guessing.' I roll my eyes at him.

'Maybe.' He winks. 'You'll finally be noticed.'

'So I'll finally be sexy and finally be noticed, and therefore I'll finally have value?' I can see the conclusions that he is drawing here in his mind, so I have to call him out on it.

'Enough value to get a new relationship with anyone.'

'I don't want a new relationship with anyone.'

'You're right, how about a one-night stand? Friend with benefits?' he teases me.

I stiffen up, I hate where this conversation is going. He is acting like a jock and having no appreciation for the emotions I am going through or that we have shared together. 'I'll take a pass on both.' I say coldly.

'I could be that for you. We're already friends, we could just add the benefits.' Peter pushes.

'What are you trying to achieve?' I look at him, leaning away from him.

'Oh lighten up Covey! Geez, you need to get laid, you're so uptight.' He rolls his eyes, leaning back on his chair.

I hear the bell ring and I immediately pack up my stuff. I can't believe the way that Peter is acting right now. 'Really? You think I'm being uptight. It's funny when you were going through your break up with Gen, I was taking so much heat for you and I was there for you in every way possible and now when I go through something similar, you just tease me and insult me.' I gather my books up and stand up. 'Don't try come to me again if another girl breaks your heart.' I snap at him and then storm out of the classroom.

Argh, I want to scream in anger as I walk to English. I can't believe there was a slither of hope inside me that wanted to appreciate Peter, let alone kiss him. I can't believe I ever punished myself so much or felt so guilty after accusing him of being a jock, because that is exactly what he is. He was probably holding back this side of himself as a way of being loyal to John or the bro code or whatever, but now I'm single, I can see the true colours come out. I am so infuriated at how he has changed. I don't understand how he can make comments like that so easily under his breath and towards me, when he knows how I feel. I haven't spent the last few weeks telling him so much about me and revealing to him how important emotions are and how I get so emotional about everything to have him just ignore that and walk all over it. I don't want to see Peter again. I don't want to talk to him again. I no longer need to rely on John for having a reason to dislike Peter. I dropped everything to help him and even after how badly he treated me at that swim meet I was still there for him. I have made so many excuses for him and helped him so much because of Gen, then when I am in his position he acts like this. What a joke. I spent the entire rest of the day angry at him, ignoring his eyes whenever I felt them on me and stepping past him whenever he tried to say hi or talk to me. He knows I am annoyed at him, but he probably doesn't care, he has so many other people around him, I doubt he even gives it a thought.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I have decided to bake. I have a lot of homework to do, but I tell myself that I will have it finished by tonight and within the next few hours. I don't know if that is actually feasible but I don't really care. I am sitting on the couch, my foot tapping along to the music playing in the background with the smell of the cookies wafting through the living room when there is a knock at the door. Margot is studying hard in her room and Kitty is at soccer or some other activity she does after school, so I have to get up and answer it. I am bopping along to the music through the room as I walk to the door. I open it and am shocked to see Peter.

'What do you want?' I ask impatiently. How dare he ruin my good mood that I have just managed to find after he annoyed me so much?

He looks down at his feet, shuffling them. I have never seen him look so uneasy. 'I'm sorry I offended you earlier.' He says.

I narrow my eyes at him, I don't want to let him get away with this easily. 'Why did you?'

He groans, rubbing his face. 'It was supposed to be a joke.'

'It's too early for jokes, Kavinsky.' I confirm to him, crossing my arms.

'I know, I know… I just don't really know how to be there for other people.' He shrugs.

'Whoever said you had to be there for me?' I am now confused, I have plenty of people to help me, he isn't the first person who even comes to mind.

'Well you were there for me after Gen, so I had an idea in my head of trying to be there for you, but I screwed it up.'

I shake my head at him. 'Don't worry, I don't need you to be there for me.'

'I know, but I want to.'

I look at him, searching his eyes. 'Peter, there is already enough rumours going around about us because of Gen.'

'But-' he starts.

I raise my hands up to stop him from talking. 'Even if she says she is going to stop, it doesn't help that they are already out there. Now I am not with John, they are probably going to get worse if we hang out.'

'Yeah, but who cares. It's not anyone else's business.' He is furrowing his brows. I can tell he is trying not to care, but deep down, I know he definitely cares.

'I care, I don't like having those things being said about me.' I look up at him, hoping he can understand.

He scoffs. 'You mean you don't like being grouped with a jock.'

I roll my eyes. 'Can you please get over the insecurity of yours? You know I don't think you are just a jock anymore.'

He shrugs, though I see his eyes shine a little. 'Then what's wrong?'

'I've just gotten out of my first relationship, the main stability in my life. I need time for things to go back to normal, I need to be invisible again.'

'You're not invisible, Covey. No matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, people see you.' He tells me.

I look away from his intense stare. 'Even more reason to try hide away now.'

'You're scared.' Peter leans his head down trying to catch my eye.

'Yeah.' I nod, looking down at my feet.

'You don't want to be hurt like this again.'

I nod again in agreement, a lump forming in my throat.

'But that's not living, Lara Jean. You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable again.'

'I know.' My voice breaks as I admit this. 'But I'm just not ready yet.' I meet his eyes, desperate for him to understand. I don't enjoy pushing this away or putting myself inside a box, particularly as one of the reasons I broke up with John was to achieve the opposite of this, but I'm not ready yet. The thought of letting someone into my life as much as I let him in and then to have them ignore me and suddenly disappear is too scary and too painful for me to bear.

Peter searches my eyes. I can't read his expression. A mixture between understanding, hurt, hope and disappointment. 'We can still be friends, though?' he questions.

I give him a small smile. 'I don't know, being your friend seems a bit high maintenance.' I tease him.

'Being my friend?' he scoffs. 'You're the one who orders me around all the time.'

'And it ended up getting us an A+, so you can't complain.'

Peter chuckles at me, before he gives me a mischievous smile. 'I gotta tell you something.' He says excitedly.

I gesture to the stairs and we both sit down, only slightly apart.

'Wanna know what grade McClaren got for the assignment?' he offers.

My jaw drops. John is so secretive about his grades particularly when he is annoyed with them. 'Is this credible?'

Peter grins. 'Well if you call overhearing them talking to Mr Henderson at the break arguing about their mark and how bad it was credible, then yes.'

'Were you spying on them? I don't want to know then.' It feels wrong for Peter to find out and then tell me because he wants to make a point.

'No no no.' he frowns at me. 'I was going to chat to Mr Henderson and thank him for our grade. I was a bit nervous that he was going to mark us down because he never would think I could do that well, so I was thanking him for actually believing in me and believing in us our partners.'

Aw, I'm so touched. No wonder Mr Henderson likes Peter, it's not just because they tease and joke so much, but because Peter takes the time to thank him for believing in him and the extra hours that he puts in.

'Ah, ok, that's better then.' I am now getting nervous about hearing John's grade.

'So McClaren and Matt didn't get an A+.' Peter starts, clearly wanting to build anticipation. 'They didn't get an A either.' My eyes go wide, John has never gotten lower than a A+ in history, but to get lower than an A. 'They got an A-.' Peter almost squeals.

'What?' The shock on my face is so clear. 'You're kidding!'

'Nope, apparently Henderson told them from the start that he didn't like their thesis and didn't think it was a particularly strong argument, but they ignored him and went with it anyway.'

'John must be furious.'

Peter nods. 'Yeah he was almost as mad at Henderson as he was that lesson we got partnered up.'

I have to cover my mouth, as I can't force myself to close my jaw. 'He must absolutely loathe Mr Henderson by now.'

'It's totally self-inflicted though. Like Henderson didn't like our first thesis, or even our twelfth thesis for that matter, but we kept changing it until he approved and look where we are. John should know you gotta give the teachers what they want.'

'This is so crazy. Too bad we won't be able to stay ahead of him much longer.' I shrug. I know that John will definitely be studying like crazy for the exam to make sure he tops.

'Yeah about that…' Peter starts, he still has that mischievous glint in his eyes.

'What?' I can't help but meet his bright smile with me own. His smile is so big and goofy I know that he as a crazy idea. 'What do you want to do?'

He chuckles. 'I was just thinking how insane would it be if I manage to get better grades than him in history?' He wiggles his eyebrows.

Now I need to laugh out loud. I can't help it, Peter looks so serious, even though his idea is impossible. 'You? Peter, the only reason we did well in this assignment is because it was an assignment and you had me. You haven't gotten higher than a C the whole time you have done history.'

'I know!' he sits up straighter, very excited. 'Which is why it is even better!'

I am still laughing at him, when he starts to propose his idea. 'Come on Covey, you said it yourself, you don't do well in the exam either so I say that you and I help each other out and do exactly what we did with the assignment and just constantly stay on Henderson's case and go to the library and presto! We will ace the exam and finish higher than McClaren.'

I have to look at him with disbelief. 'Until this assignment you had never even been to the library.' I reason with him. While I admire Peter's ambition, there is no way this is going to happen.

'Yeah but now I know that studying actually helps you do well, I want to go more. Lara Jean, you gotta do this with me otherwise I'll have no hope.'

'Why do you want to beat John anyway?' My face goes a little serious, as I try to find Peter's answer. I don't want him to joke or tease as a reply, but instead tell me why.

'Come on, you can't deny how much of a little snob that kids acts when he gets the top marks. I've seen him belittling you and he always had a bunch to say about me, it would be great if we can stuff it to him and do this.'

Peter has such a bright smile on his face, it makes it so hard to say no to him. I want to say no. I know it is a bad thing if I do this. I have already hurt John so much and by helping Peter do better than him is an awful thing for me to do. Somehow my thoughts are so jumbled, but I know that I definitely don't want to do this to stuff it to John. I don't even really care about history that much or would need to study hard, but the A+ we already had, I don't need to focus as hard on the exam as usual. If this is how I am thinking, then why is there such a pull for me to say yes? What other reason is there? _Peter_ , I hear a voice say in my mind. I can't deny but thinking about having more study sessions with Peter, him dropping me home in his car, getting dinner together and constantly teasing and bickering with each other. I can't deny that he does make studying much more fun, despite how hard it is to eventually get him to focus. I'm barely aware of the words that fall out of my mouth next. 'Ok, let's do this.'

He beams at me. 'Yes, Covey. The school ain't gonna know what's hit 'em!' He cheers.

'You better be ready to study though, I can't have you distracting me all the time.'

'Do you forget that I was 50% of the pair that did the A+ assignment?' he pretends to be offended.

'50%, oh no honey, it was more like 10%.'

'40%'

'20%'

'30%'

'Nope you did barely quarter.'

'Excuse me, but I wrote a lot of good stuff.'

'Clearly your definition of good defers from mine.'

'Ok, it mightn't have been good, but I did write things.'

'It was barely in English though.'

'What's that supposed to mean?' Peter tries to look mad, but I can see he wants to smile.

'I'm sorry, do you even know what a comma is? Or another word other than "therefore"? Let's not forget who has no idea of the difference between their, there and they're.'

'That's mean.'

'The truth hurts, Kavinsky.'

'Maybe you'll just need to teach me better.' He winks at me.

'I don't know, maybe I should charge you for this tutoring.'

'Maybe I could pay you in a different currency.' Peter raises his eyebrows suggestively and leans forward.

'What type of currency would that be?' I feel my breath slightly catch in my thought.

He leans closer to me, to the point I can almost count all of his eyelashes. I hold me breath as I wait for him to do something. I want to kiss him, a feeling that is contracting every other rational thought in my brain.

I have no idea what is about to happen next until I hear the front door open behind me. It's Kitty.

'Peter! You're here!' she exclaims excitedly.

Peter stands up and meets Kitty's hug, he looks so relaxed and not at all affected by what just happened. Me on the other hand about slowly trying to catch my breath and get my thoughts together. I see Peter slightly smirk which tells me, that he knows exactly what I am thinking. I don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt though.

'He was just leaving, Kitty.' I tell her as she looks over at me.

'Oh.' She pouts.

'I can stay a little longer.' Peter says hopefully.

'No, you have to study. You've got to start now if you wanna stay on top, Kavinsky.' I saw over my shoulder as I walk to the front door. I lock eyes with him, keeping my stance as confident as possible and tilting my head as if to say 'What are you gonna do?'

He chuckles and gives me a gorgeous smile. 'Don't worry, Covey, I'm always _on top_.' He emphasises the last words and winks at me. I can tell that he had a whole other underlying meaning to his words. I have to hide slightly behind the door so he can't see me blush.

'Bye Peter.' Kitty waves to him and goes inside.

Just before he gets in his car, he looks over at me. 'I'll see you in the library tomorrow, then?'

'Ok.' I call back to him.

I close the front door and lean against the hardwood. I am so glad that both Margot and Kitty are out of sight, so they can't see the stupid smile plastered over my face. This semester just got a whole lot more exciting.

 _A/N: Looks like Peter and LJ are getting a little closer! Are they going to be able to see past their friendship and have something more?_

 _Please review, favourite and follow if you want to find out more! I hope people appreciate finding out how they went in their history assignment!_


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Studying in the library with Peter proved to be as fun as I anticipated it to be. He always came strolling in with a massive smile on his face and ready to study. He usually tried to talk a bit and tease me when they first started, but then eventually he would start getting some work done. I have to admit that I think I might be learning even better with him around, as whenever I teach him something, I find myself having an even stronger understanding of it. He sometimes even has to explain things to me as well, though that is much more rare. It's so funny how well we have gotten to know each other as well. Certainly, we knew the deeper thoughts and feelings that ran through the other person's head, but now it's the little things that I find myself noticing. Like how whenever Peter starts to stretch his arms and his neck, it's a sign that he is finished studying for the day. Or he rests his head on his hand when reading something, it is usually because he can't understand it. There also a difference between how he reads his phone when he gets messages from other people versus his mother. He always stops whatever he is doing to reply to her and has a soft look on his face, whereas for everyone else he tends to furrow his brow and ignore them as he tries not to distract himself. The weirdest thing I have also noticed is the way that he positions himself when he is reading from the textbook. Whenever he has his head leaning low or even against one of the pages, I always feel his eyes on me, just subtly watching me as I take notes or work through my homework. Whenever I might move to look at him though, his head quickly snaps upwards and his eyes are on the textbook. It's a strange feeling having someone else watching me. Not staring or creeping on me, but rather gazing and observing.

'Wait, when was Burr president?' Peter looks up at me and asks, his head leaning against his textbook.

I roll my eyes. 'Burr was never president.'

'Then why should we care about him?'

'Because he shot Alexander Hamilton.'

'Was Hamilton president?'

'No!'

'Then why do I care about him either?'

'You shouldn't only care about historical figures who were president. Hamilton basically created the entire stock market and defended the constitution in documents that are still used in the Courts today.'

'Was he a founding father?'

'Haven't you ever seen a $10 note? Or are you too cheap to have even one of those?' I tease him.

'I don't notice the person on it, I just pay attention to the number.' Peter sits up.

'Well that might change if you wanna pass.'

'It's not my fault all these people are so boring.'

'You should just listen to the Hamilton soundtrack, it will help explain a lot of this.'

'Is there an album called Hamilton? Who wrote it? Travis Scott, A$AP Rocky, the Weeknd?'

'No it's the album based off the Hamilton musical.'

Peter rolls his eyes. 'Ewwwww, a musical.'

'Don't you dare insult Hamilton! That is the best musical of our time.'

'Musicals are so boring though, like "oh look at me, I'm having a crisis, I better sing a song about it!", that's not how real life works.' Peter pretends to fluff his hair and speak like a girl as he describes musicals.

I narrow my eyes at him. 'Yes, how dare they use a different medium other than dialogue and things blowing up to tell a story.' I say sarcastically.

'Things blowing up just make stories so much better.'

'Really? Having someone sing a song about how they are feeling is less realistic than witnessing things blowing up?' I raise my eyebrows at him.

'No, I mean…' Peter gets flustered.

'Ah-ha! See I win!'

'No you don't. Musicals still suck.'

'Which ones have you seen?'

Peter goes silent. He is trying to think but the confused look on his face gives him away.

'You haven't seen any? You can't judge them so harshly then.'

'But why bother? I already know I won't like them.'

'Why bother doing anything then! Why should I have ever bothered talking to you, a jock, if I already knew I didn't like jocks?'

He goes speechless, obviously unable to respond to my comment. He opens his mouth to say something, but then shuts it again. Then with a sigh, he says, 'fine, you win! Musicals don't suck yet, but as soon as I see one, they will.'

'I'll hold you to that, prepare to eat your words, Kavinsky.'

'You wish, Covey.'

I look down at my watch and notice that we have five minutes until school starts. We had decided to try study this morning given that Peter has Lacrosse this afternoon and we are about a week out until the exam

'We better go.' I tell him, I pack up my books and scrunch up the paper bag which had the cinnamon buns that I made for us. Peter loved it so much that he begged me to bring him one tomorrow, though I am keen to make him work for it.

Peter checks the time on his phone. 'Oh yeah, we should.' He grabs him books and puts them in his bag in one swift movement.

'You sure you gonna be fine studying by yourself?' I ask Peter, looking over at him. Today was Thursday, he didn't do any work on Friday and then we wouldn't see each other all weekend. I wasn't sure if he would be able to motivate and keep on top of himself to study alone.

'I'll be right, I've learnt well.'

I shrug at him. We walk into the school and go our separate ways. Peter goes to his friends from lacrosse and basically anyone else around, while I float to my locker. We don't have history or chemistry today, so I won't see him at all in class. It's weird that I am now noticing these things as well.

I get into English and see Chris almost jumping out of her seat with excitement. She waves me over quickly with worry plastered all over her face. I get a little concerned as I approach her. As soon as I sit down, she spins her legs around to look at me.

Her eyes are big and uncertain as she speaks. 'LJ, I know you don't want to be hearing this, but I'd rather you hear it from me than anyone else.'

My heart starts racing as I run through all the possibilities. Did something happen to her? Is there another rumour? I can't think of what it could be!

'What it is, Chris?' I look at her intensely. If she even thinks about chickening out now and not telling me, then I will honestly kill her here and now.

She shifts in her seat. 'Well I may or may not have overheard Trevor Pike talking to someone earlier this morning…' she trails off.

'Trevor? What was he saying that could be concerning?' I push her wanting this pain of anticipation and not knowing what she is about to say to be over.

'He was talking about John.'

'Oh.' My heart drops. What has happened?'

'Apparently, he has been getting close to Pammy lately and is planning on rebounding with her tomorrow at a party.'

My heart seems to slow. Chills run through my body. I can't believe it. Well I can believe it especially given we have been broken up for almost 3 weeks now, but we were together for 2 years, surely it would have taken him longer to move on. I don't even think Peter has moved on yet or rebounded and he and Gen have been broken up for longer than John and I.

Chris shakes my knee slightly. 'Are you ok? I heard a few other people mentioning it as well which is why I wanted to tell you first.'

I nod at her, sliding back into my seat. I know I should be happy for him, but the idea of him getting with someone else so quickly seems so weird. My mind starts racing as I think of all the scenarios I might have to witness. Would he and Pammy then become an object? Would I have to witness them like Peter and Gen, watching them constantly making out before class and holding hands down the corridor? It's so much worse though, because I used to do the exact same thing with him (except the extreme PDA), seeing someone else just taking my place will be heartbreaking. The thought of Pammy and Stormy laughing and getting along makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to lose my spot with Stormy and I don't think I could tolerate having her rave about Pammy while I am right there. This all feels so weird.

'Come on LJ, you knew it was going to happen eventually.'

I nod. 'I know, it's just hard to process.'

'Maybe instead of processing and getting sad about it, you should find your own rebound.'

That breaks me out of my sadness for a moment. 'Ha. Ha. As if I could find someone to rebound with.'

She shrugs, sitting back on her chair. 'I don't know, ever tried getting a little _adventurous_ during those study sessions with Kavinsky?'

'Chris!'

'I'm sure he would love to study you. Mmmmmm, he'd enjoy examining every inch of you with his hands, tongue or even-' I jump towards her and cover her mouth. I don't want to be thinking about this.

'Stop it! No, he is just a friend.'

'A friend who is currently going through a massive dry spell.' Chris wiggles her eyes suggestively.

'If I didn't do the deed with John after being together for 2 years, what makes you think I would just give it up to Kavinsky with nothing between us?' I raise my eyebrows at her.

'Oh there's something between you two, whether you know it or not.' She declares.

The teacher then walks in and calls the class to silence, so I can't argue any longer. I can barely hold my attention on 'To Kill A Mockingbird' as my mind flies to Peter. Is there really something there? I always had an inkling of a feeling there was something between us, a spark of some sorts but I buried it deep after realising that he was with Gen and I was with John. Now that neither of us are with anyone, do we have a chance? I know I am too scared to make a move or express my feelings first, but I can't say that I wouldn't be happy if he suddenly had feeling or did a move. I think back to the multiple times I have had no other desire on my mind except to kiss him, even in the most normal and mundane of situations. I wrote that off as just being me coping with the break up, but I was never obsessed with kissing John either, so it's like this feelings have just arise with Peter. I have no idea what to do, well I am certain that I won't do anything but these thoughts are getting too complicated in my own mind.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am a little down the next morning as I walk into school. It feels like the whole school is now aware of John going after Pammy and also how excited Pammy is for it to happen. People glance at me slightly and I can tell what they are thinking, 'Oh that's the ex' or 'he's rebounding of her' or 'lucky him, he ungraded.' I don't know if they are thinking that but it feels like it. I couldn't even bear to tell Margot. She holds John to such a high esteem that I don't want to ruin it, even if she is my sister. All the thoughts and predictions about tonight for John are swirling in my head making me nauseated and uncomfortable. I am in such a sad mood that I don't even bother lifting my head much to say hi to people. I don't even know who is really around, my brain is just focussed on being sad and being down. I am in such a daze that I barely notice the presence standing beside me.

'Why the long face, Covey?' Peter asks me, smiling brightly.

For once, I can't return his smile and keep my eyes down. 'You don't know yet?'

He lets out a breath and shifts on his feet. 'I wondered if you knew at all.'

'Don't worry, I know.' I give him a fake smile. 'I'm the girl he is upgrading from.'

Peter scoffs. 'Really Pammy is an upgrade to you?'

'Why wouldn't she be? Cheerleader, fit, pretty, can have good conversations, she can probably touch her toes.'

'You can't touch your toes?'

I frown at him. 'I'm close.'

He rolls his eyes. 'Trust me, Pammy has nothing on you.'

'If you say so.' I admit defeatedly, I am not in the mood to argue with him about my insecurities.

'Did you hear about Gen?' Peter leans against the locker next to me, his head lifting up towards the ceiling.

'No, what happened?' I ask curiously, shutting my locker.

'She's been going on and on about bringing her college boyfriend to the party tonight. Apparently she wants him to finally meet everyone.' Peter rolls his eyes.

I wince. 'That sounds bad.'

'Yeah, so I know where I'm not going to be tonight.'

'Yeah well me neither. Maybe we should have a study session?' I say brightly. Being with Peter would definitely take my mind off things.

'No, I told you I don't work on Fridays.' He frowns at me.

I roll my eyes at him, walking past him to my class. He grabs me by the backpack and pulls me back towards him. I give him a displeased face, trying to squirm away from me but he is holding my bag tightly.

'We won't have a study session, but maybe we can hang out.' He offers. 'Seems like both of us need to get over our exes.'

I pretend to gasp. 'Peter Kavinsky is willing to hang out with me on a Friday night.'

He matches my gasp. 'I know, I think hell might be frozen over.'

I hit his shoulders which he grabs acting as if I hurt him a lot. 'Well in that case I don't want to hang out anymore.' I tease.

'Too bad, I'll be there at 6pm.' He gives him his gorgeous smile before jogging off to his class.

I stand there watching him until he is completely out of sight. My day has changed entirely. My own sad mood is now hopeful and happy, maybe Peter and I can see if something is there tonight.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time the end of school comes around, I have sufficiently overthought every single thing happening in my life and happening this afternoon. I have no idea what me and Peter are going to do together. Do we play board games? Eat food, maybe cook together? We never specified what hanging out meant. I am going a little crazy in my own head. I know from our previous study sessions that he loves lemon sugar cookies, so I make that at least the first thing I will do. I also want to have some chocolate chip cookies for the weekend and for me. I make baking a priority since it will hopefully calm down my thoughts.

As I am putting in the ingredients for lemon squares, Margot comes down. She is in a navy coat and black jeans, her hair is curled and styled very nicely.

'Where are you going?' I ask her, she hadn't mentioned being away tonight.

'Oh Josh is taking me out on a date. Apparently he has barely seen me these last few weeks so is insisting that he drags me out for the night.' She smiles as she brags about her boyfriend.

I smile back at her, feeling very proud of how happy my sister is with Josh. He really does work quite hard for her in order to make her feel good and feel right about everything.

'Well have fun and don't be out too late.' I almost regret saying this as I have no idea how long Peter is going to stay and I am still deciding whether it would be ok for Margot to see him here.

She nods and skips out the door to meet Josh. I smile after her. I am onto the mixing of the ingredient together when I see Kitty coming down the stairs.

'Are you leaving as well?' I ask her, my eyes wide. I didn't consider that I would have Peter here all alone. Daddy is working a night shift on call tonight and has already texted to say that he had back to back operations scheduled.

She nods. 'Yeah Tarnie is having a sleepover, remember?' she rolls her eyes. She then looks at the cookies. 'Are those for Peter?'

'Maybe.' I avoid the question.

Kitty smiles triumphantly at me, telling me that she has caught me in my lie. 'They are for Peter! Wow, you must really like him to be making his favourite cookie.'

'I'm not making them for him.' I try my lie again.

'It's ok, Lara Jean. I would make cookies for someone as good looking as Peter as well if he was my age.'

'How's your pursuit of Owen going?' I raise my eyebrows at her.

Her cheeks go a deep red shade, which gives me so much satisfaction. 'None of your business.' She then looks around. 'Actually… what time is Peter going to be here tonight?' her eyes are hopeful, she probably has a whole list of more questions to ask him about Owen.

'What time is your sleepover starting?'

'5pm.'

I silently cheer in my head. 'Oh well, you'll miss him then.'

'Is he staying over?' she asks curiously.

I get her a 'are you kidding me look?' which she responds to by just shrugging her shoulders and holding her hands out before running over to the TV. I keep my frown on the back of her head as I finish mixing together the ingredients.

Kitty leaves as I am putting the lemon cookies out to cool and am starting on the chocolate chip cookies. I am not sure when they will be finished, but am hoping that Peter will be his usual late self. As I am mixing them together, I realise that I should get changed. I have no idea what to wear or anything though. I go through quite a few outfits before settling on sweatpants and a hoodie. I was going to dress more nicely but I realised that my plan is to stay in tonight and stay as comfortable as possible, which Peter will just have to work around.

It is 6pm by the time I come downstairs and put the cookies in the oven. I know they won't be ready soon, but maybe Peter will be late enough that they are ready. I am watching them as a hawk, squatting down to look into the oven when the door bell rings.

'It's open.' I yell out to Peter, not wanting to tear my eyes from the cookies.

He walks in and as soon as he steps inside the kitchen he takes a big whiff of the air around him. 'Damn I think this is the best smell ever.' He closes his eyes in bliss.

When he opens them, he looks at me, almost sitting on the ground. 'What are you doing?' he asks, confused.

'I'm waiting for the cookies to finish.'

He shrugs and then takes off his coat, leaving it on the chair and sits down next to me.

'These smell so good.' He comments again, leaning his head back.

'I know, I don't think there is anything better than the smell of freshly baked cookies.' I close my eyes with him.

'Can you text me whenever you make them? I just want to be able to experience this smell again.'

'Nice try, you want to eat them as well.'

'Well if I'm already here, I might as well taste test.' He opens his eyes and teases me.

I nudge him, watching the cookies. 'There are lemon ones on the bench.'

Peter perks his head up, immediately scouring for his favourite cookies. He is almost like a puppy who hears the squeak of his favourite toy far away. He already has one in his mouth when I stand up.

'Mmmmm, how do you make these so well?' he closes his eyes again and asks me.

'It's not that hard.'

He glares at me. 'Yes it is, I tried making them just as you told me too and they tasted awful.'

'What you tried making them?'

'Yeah after I asked you for the recipe.' He reaches for another one. I remember Peter messaging me about having a craving for the cookies and so I sent him the recipe, but I thought he would just give it to his mum to bake instead of him.

'How could you stuff them up?' I ask him in disbelief. They were cookies that even Margot could bake easily.

'I need you to teach me how to make them.'

I frown. 'Sheesh, first you want me teaching you history, now you want baking. I really do need to start charging you.'

'Excuse me, I am paying you by being here tonight and making you feel better.' He looks at me.

'Who said you were making me feel better?' I challenge him.

He rolls his eyes. 'I was getting there.' He stacks up as many cookies as he can in one hand, which is about 5 and walks to the couch.

I follow behind him, feeling strange to be following someone in my own home. 'What are you doing?'

He has one cookie in his mouth and the others balanced on his knee as he reaches into his backpack. He grunts a response and holds up a finger telling me to wait. I cross my arms as I watch him move his arm around.

'Ah-ha!' he says, pulling out a bunch of DVDs from his bag.

'What are those?'

'How I am going to make you feel better? My mum has a bunch of these so I borrowed them.'

I have to stop myself from giggling when I see the DVDs. 'A Walk To Remember', 'The Notebook', '27 Dresses', 'How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days', 'Maid in Manhattan' and 'The First Time' are all the titles of the movies he pulls out.

'How did you know I loved this movies?'

'Cause you're a girl.' He muses, rolling his eyes. 'I don't get it, but I figured you'd be into it.'

'I am! Yay!' I cheer skipping off to take the cookies out. I have a feeling I get a glimpse of Peter smiling behind me.

So here we are now, lying down on my couch with plates of cookies in front of us watching 'The First Time'.

'Dylan O'Brien is so good looking.' I declare after a while. I am on the end of the couch, my legs taking up half of the couch before they go to the ground. Peter is sitting back, his legs apart and his head just propped up by the pillow.

'What? I am way better looking than him.' Peter boasts.

I glance at him. 'Uh-uh.'

'Seriously, he looks like a nerd.'

'Yeah he's cute.' I reason with him.

He looks over at me intently. 'What's your type anyway? Like how are you into this?' He gestures towards the screen where Dylan's character is speaking.

I just shrug. 'I don't know. I'm barely even 16 yet. I don't want to have a type.'

'How come?' He rests his arm over his head, facing me.

'Cause I feel like if you commit yourself to liking one kind of person and one kind of look, then you miss out on meeting so many other people who you could have connected with. I am more a person for the personality than I am the looks.'

He nods. 'Well that makes me feel shitty.'

'Why?' I ask him.

He gives a sigh. 'I don't know. I thought I had a type, especially with Gen. Like I noticed girls, I would think they were cute or quirky or things, but I didn't think I was attracted to it. When I thought a girl was hot or sexy, that's what I thought I was into…'

'You thought you were into?' I ask him, trying to figure out what he is saying.

'I don't know.' He shrugs. 'Maybe I am a bit more like you and once I get to know the person, it doesn't really matter what they look like or what I think of them, because that becomes exactly what I like.'

He doesn't drop eye contact with me the whole time. I don't want to read into it, but I feel like he is almost saying something to me. I hear it but I can't understand what it is.

I turn my attention back to the movie. 'As unrealistic as this is, I love it.' I declare.

'Love what?'

'This idea of falling in love or getting to know someone in a single night.' I point back to the movie where the main character are walking and connecting for the first time. 'It gives me hope that I'll find someone for just one night and then my life will change.'

'Well we connected over one night.'

'When?' I give him a confused look.

'I mean, I know there was stuff before.' He looks down. 'But that night at the party, we connected and were able to put it all behind us, that was a bit like this.'

'True, you were trying to hook up with another girl as well?' I point out to him.

'Yeah, wasn't that a mistake.' He mentions, thinking of Gen.

'I get what you mean though, it's a lucky coincidence.' I smile at him.

He smiles sweetly back at me, before his smile turns goofy. 'But I still hate this movie.'

'Just because you don't have a romantic bone in your body.' I say, I have a bit more edge to it which I know it because I'm a little annoyed that ruined our moment.

'I am very romantic, thank you.'

'Really?' I don't believe him.

'Yeah I wrote all those notes to Gen, even if she didn't read them.'

'After she asked you to!' I note thinking back to our conversations.

'Oh I'm sorry that you have unrealistic expectations on what romantic is.'

'I'm sorry you consider sparing a thought for a girl in your life to be an unrealistic expectation.'

'Your idea of a thought is some kind of fairytale with a guy showing up with flowers and professing his love.'

'Not anymore.' I say softly.

He picks up on this and leans closer. 'What? Why not?'

I shrug. 'I think I grew up from fairytales a long time ago. I enjoy watching them, but they'll never happen to me.'

Peter is a little shocked at this. 'What made you change?'

'My mum, my dad, John…'

He cocks his head, telling me he still isn't understanding this.

I sigh and lean closer to him, I already feel my chest tightening. 'I saw my mum and dad together all the time. They were so happy together and they loved each other so much. They had a fairytale. They loved each other endlessly, they grew a family together and supported each other then one day it was all over. She was taken away and he had so much love left but just by himself. They had a perfect romance, but that still wasn't enough. It still got taken away.' I say softly to him.

'And John?'

'John is the guy I always dreamed about. He is the Prince Charming who shows up and saves me, but then I realise that we don't work. I had everything I ever wanted but I still wasn't happy. That's not real life or how love works. No one is ever perfect and love is never what it's supposed to be.' I lean against the couch, exhausted from how the words and emotions spill out of me.

'I don't think that's true.' Peter says.

I look at him. I don't understand. He would know more than anyone how hard love is and hard hurtful and painful it can be. It tore his family apart on multiple occasions.

He keeps talking. 'I think there is a fairytale, or somewhat. I definitely know that you can love someone so much that nothing else matters. Even after all the troubles and the pain that you go, it's all worth it, because for that small amount of time, that second even, you had the beauty of knowing what love was. How is connects people and fills you with so much happiness. Those few moments make it all worth it and make love something of a fairytale.'

'Like your mum and dad?' I prod the subject.

He sighs. 'Sometimes. I don't know if they are a great example though. They loved each other once, they had to in order to love Owen and I and bring us into this world, but it did turn sour. I see my mum though and how well she does with Owen and I. All the pain and hurt that my dad has put her through, she doesn't mind it anymore and doesn't think about it, because she loves Owen and I. She thinks that just having us is enough to make it all better. She manages to convince me the same thing as well. For all of my dad faults, I do have to admit that he made Owen, my mum and I so much closer because of it.'

I nod. 'Do you think you'll have a fairytale romance one day?'

He laughs. 'I don't know. Maybe. I'll have to really love her though.'

'More than you loved Gen?'

He looks at me. 'Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I really loved Gen. I feel like I'm too young to know what love is and that even making an excuse for it is the same as not loving her enough. One day I know I'll love someone and I'll give my all to them, romantic gestures, notes and all. Not even just that but I'll tell them everything, with nothing less to hide.'

I smile at him. He leans closer. 'Do you think you'll have one?'

'I hope so. Sometimes I feel like I need something to hold onto, something to take me away from all of the pain, a knight in shining armour to take me away from everything even if just for a moment.' I notice how caramelly and soft Peter's eyes go as I mention this. 'I need to be able to see it and be myself, not be concerned about what has happened to me or them protecting me from it, but just happy to be with them wherever we are in life. I haven't had that kind of a connection with anyone yet.'

Peter tilts his head slightly. 'You say that you haven't had a moment to be purely happy and think about things, but I always see you happy with me.' He leans a little closer.

My heart beats slightly faster. 'What about you? I've never felt like you've hidden anything from me.' My hands shaking a little, I lean a bit closer as well.

'I have always thought you were cute and quirky.' He grins at me. I remember his words before when he talked about suddenly finding cute and quirky as being attractive now and something he liked.

We are locked eyes. I can't think of anything more to say. I feel like this is going to happen. Nothing else appears in the room around me. Everything fades away in this moment right now as I stare into Peter Kavinsky's eyes. His eyes are searching mine, looking for some kind of sign or trigger to stop, but I don't give him one. He makes my heart race so much, even just looking at his handsome face right now and it being so close feels incredibly, but it's not even that which I see. I see so much more to him now. The way he feels protective of his family, how he acts so sure of himself as a way of hiding how scared he is of being abandoned, how he steps up to every opportunity to improve himself, how he gets needs to be given a chance and then he can prove everybody wrong and the way he makes everyone around him feel so special and so good about themselves through his charm. Every part of him I want to kiss and I feel like I am being drawn to. Neither of us move, but there is a spark in his eye and I think I sense him about to lean into me.

Then his phone rings.

We both sit back, taken out of our trance. He pulls it out and reads the name before turning it face down on the arm rest.

'Are you going to get that?' I ask him, trying to distance myself from him and the pull we have.

'Nope.' He answers. He has an edge I don' know from what: the phone call or what almost happened.

Barely a few seconds pass before the phone rings again.

'It's ok if you want to answer it.' I offer.

He turns cold and rejects the call again. 'It's all good. I don't want to talk to them.'

I can immediately tell that it is Genevieve. I know from the way that he is getting so worked up by these calls and is getting a bit more on edge as the phone keeps ringing. It keeps ringing for what feels like forever, until Peter lets out a sigh of defeat.

'I'm so sorry, this won't take a minute. Keep the movie on so I don't distract you.' He then stands up and takes the call in the kitchen.

I try to keep my eyes on the TV, but I can't stop myself from overhearing. Peter is mumbling a few things to her. From what I gather, I think she is crying because he keeps begging her not to cry. The way his voice breaks is so painful. He doesn't want her to be hurt anymore, he still wants to protect her. He still loves her. The realisation hits me hard. I had my own thoughts for a moment there when I believed that maybe there was something between us but clearly nothing can happen. He is arguing with her for a bit. I think she is wanting to get a lift from him, but he talks about not wanting to go to the party. I feel some tears group behind my eyes. I don't understand why. Peter and I are nothing to each other, maybe friends but other than that it's nothing. I can't be getting upset over him. I can't be feeling anything towards him, I have no right at all. I can't help the injustice in my heart though. I feel cheated by or betrayed for letting him in so deep into myself only for him to go running back to Gen. I honestly thought he was over her that he wouldn't give her a chance, but clearly he will. He mumbles a few more things before he switches into a comforting mood. He uses a soft, understanding tone that I have never heard from him before. He agrees to a bunch of things from her and then says good bye. I have to quickly position myself so it appears that I was watching the movie the whole time and not listening in.

Peter is putting on his coat in front of me. 'Gen's in trouble of some kind.'

'All good, you should go help her.' I urge him, I need him to be away from me right now.

He sighs annoyed. 'Yeah I'm going to, but I don't want to ditch you.'

'Peter, it's fine. You need to be with her.' I hear the double meaning in my voice. He needs to be with her, his life doesn't make sense otherwise.

He must hear it too because he shakes his head. 'Don't worry, I'll be back. I promise that I'll see what she needs and I'll come straight back, we can't not even make it through one movie.' He says sincerely.

I have to smile. I can't deny that a bit of hope surges through me, maybe I am wrong. If he chooses me over Gen and comes back, then maybe we do have a chance. I reach and hand him the plate of lemon cookies. 'Here, take them for the road.' I offer them to him.

He smiles and grabs a few. 'I owe you, Covey. Thanks so much.' He then runs out the door.

The little bit of hope in me. It dived out of me like a dolphin from the water into the sunset. It feels so good to think that Peter will be back and won't be missing out on this. It means that whatever little thing we have, it's more than anything he has left with Gen. I bring my knees to my chest as I excitedly watch the movie. I keep checking my phone over and over to see if Peter messages me. Maybe to let me know when he is on his way or something. The movie eventually finishes and he isn't back. I didn't expect him to be back though, as it sounded like Gen was in some trouble, so I put on another one. I try to keep my mind off everything and focus on the fact that Peter will be here soon. This movie then finishes and my mind starts to wander. I put on the next one and start cleaning up the plates and cookies. Peter surely can't be taking this long. I wonder what it is with Gen that made him go. He had mentioned that she was going to a party with her other boyfriend, so why did he have to be there? She had her current boyfriend to help her so why does she call her ex-boyfriend? It's not hard to know why. Clearly she is having problems with her current boyfriend and maybe wants to check that Peter still obeys every word she says, but the way he talked about her tonight, it sounds like he doesn't love her much. I put on another movie again. Margot comes home and is looking quite sleepy. She doesn't ask much except if I'll be going to bed soon, which I don't know about. I don't want Peter to come and knock then be found out by Margot that would be so awkward. I lose count of the amount of movies that I have watched. My phone still shows no notifications of messages or someone trying to contact me, just the time. Midnight passed, then it reaches 2am. I have to go to bed. No one is worth this much.

I climb into my bed, trying to stop the tears falling down my face. I cover my mouth knowing that Margot's room is next door and I don't want her to hear me. I can't believe that I was so stupid. How could I let myself believe for a moment that THE Peter Kavinsky could possibly like me? How could I read so far into it? Was I that desperate? No wonder John was glad to get away from me, maybe even my mum is in heaven or wherever thinking about how lucky she is to no longer have to deal with me. I cry not for Peter, but for myself. It feels so lonely and isolating being here now. The only people who understand me, reject me. It doesn't make sense. I eventually pull myself together. I can't allow myself to feel this way. I had the right to feel this way. I think back to all the words that Peter said to me and realise that I was right to feel like this. He was just leading me on. He probably targeted me from the night he realised I was having problems with John and he had problems with Gen. Made it all up so that he could play a long game and get me with him. I know that this idea doesn't make any sense, but it's the only way I can think right now. Peter is not a sense of laughter, or happiness, or understanding, but a person who just wants to play with people's feelings for their own validation. He wants to make anyone he can fall in love with him so that he can have the joy of finally rejecting them.

The sound of his voice and his promise that he would come back tonight rings in my ears, but as soon as I remember that he never showed, he disappears altogether.

 _A/N: Uh-Oh! Are we one step forward and two steps back? Or is LJ denying her feelings for him? Also why is Peter doing this? Does he want to get back together with Gen? Who knows!_

 _Loving everyone's reviews and feedback for this! This chapter is a bit of a longer one so I hope you all appreciate it! There is a little bit more drama in store so stay keen!_

 _Please review, favourite and follow! It gives me so much more motivation!_


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Sadness is something that is one of the most underrated emotions. The emotion of simply being sad is something that feels so beyond our control yet can be so debilitating at the same time. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be anything. I wake up on Saturday morning and I have a plan. Nothing much matters at the moment except for the fact that I have all of our final exams coming up this week. There is only 2 weeks left until the Christmas break, 2 weeks and then I will have some time away from everyone. I decide that I am going to commit myself to studying as much as possible. Take away all the emotion feelings I have right now and just stick to the rational ones. The rational thoughts of doing maths problems, chemistry equations and history questions. I go to UVA library for the weekend. I was originally planning on staying at home but when I saw Chris texting me about the party and Peter texting me, I decided to get away. I also needed a new environment. One where I wouldn't let my mind wander and think about the last few days, I wanted to think exclusively about the content right in front of me.

I have no idea what I am feeling at this moment. I am sad, but I don't know why. Is it a sadness that comes from knowing that the main person who I trusted and loved has now gotten with another girl and going around flaunting it to the school? Maybe. Or is it the sadness of being rejected or having false hope which is crushed when realising that people don't change? Maybe. Kitty was also hovering trying to ask about how it was having Peter over and everything. I just ignored her. The more I think about it, the more I realise that maybe I do have feelings for him. Maybe I enjoy hanging out with him and talking to him, more than I have ever enjoyed being with John. All the memories of our younger years together and how much of a crush on him I had then come flooding back. I wanted to go back to that version of Lara Jean, someone who was carefree and not seen as a tragedy by most people, but instead I can't. Maybe I was holding onto that version as I was holding onto him. Gen is someone who I could never one up. She has the amazing life, the amazing looks, confidence and people around her. Peter practically follows after her like a puppy. That won't change. He loves Gen and he can't imagine his life without her. I think that he underestimates the stages of grief that he was going through. If he was feeling anything towards her when he talked about not needing to be with her anymore than it was just denial. Trying to convince himself that he and Gen has nothing and they should have broken up sooner was him denying his true calling. His ego is probably bruised and that's it.

I have to keep kicking myself at how stupid I was to ever have any feelings or any except indifference for Peter Kavinsky. He is the star lacrosse player, the resident jock and the absolute charmer in our grade. I even saw that night at the swim meet the way he gets girls falling all over him. He wants the best of the best, it wouldn't make sense for him to settle for any less. He probably wanted me as the emotional buffer, the one he can reveal his flaws to so that he can be perfect for everyone else. I am the second choice, the back up girl for when Gen doesn't want him. I can't describe how awful this feeling is.

I eventually cave for a moment and decide to check my phone. I have no plans on opening any of the messages, but I can't help and feel curious about what has been sent.

 _Chris: OMG! It happened! What a dick!_

 _I can't believe you ever dated him_

 _How is your Peter night going? :)_

 _Wait, what is Peter doing here?_

 _Peter just arrived and took Gen…._

I am almost tempted to open up the unfinished message being shown, but I can't bear to. I look back at the book in front of me, reminding myself of the rational thoughts. They are all messages from last night, there are some more from this morning, but they are all from Peter.

 _Peter: Sorry about last night_

 _I got caught up with Gen_

 _Are we all good?_

Reading his messages makes me what to hit myself over the head even harder. I can't believe I was so stupid to think that there could have been something there. He doesn't even care. He doesn't even realised what happened. The ways that I have been getting upset with myself over him. It makes me understand how stupid I was to think anything else could happen. So what he wanted to be there for me. So what we shared a couple of moment, clearly they meant absolutely nothing. I don't know what there is between us but I want nothing like that again. I don't want anything else to do with Peter Kavinsky.

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I spend the whole weekend studying. I don't make much of an effort to do anything else. Even Margot looks slightly concerned for me but I don't tell her anything. I am soldiering on. I know I can't be too harsh on Peter. He messages me again about studying together but I ignore him. I won't be cold to him or anything, but I definitely won't be able to do our study sessions together again. I keep my head in a book as I walk to school, trying to play it off as studying hard, but really I am avoiding everyone around me. As soon as I get to my locker, Chris comes up to me.

'LJ, are you ok?' she gives me a big hug from behind. I'm sure she is interpreting my mood as being upset at John.

I give her a sad nod. 'Yeah I'm fine. I honestly don't want to hear about it from anyone though.'

'Got it! I'll be your bodyguard for the day. No one will talk to you!' Chris commands.

I am so grateful when she links her arm through mine and we walk down the corridor. Having her next to me is a much better protection. She keeps me looking away from everyone and having something to do. I notice Peter walking with Gen, but I turn my eyes away before he can notice.

By the time school ends, I am frantically packing my bag hoping to get to Josh's car before anyone can talk to me. Peter and I would usually study this afternoon, but that's not happening. I am just zipping up my bag, almost letting out a breath of relief when he comes up beside me.

'Hey Covey! Aren't we studying?' he gives me a puzzled look as he looks at me packing up my bag quickly. Usually I would take my time with packing my bag, knowing that we were only going to the library.

My heart beats a little faster. 'Oh I didn't tell you. I have to babysit Kitty actually.' I try to move past him after spluttering out my excuse.

'No you didn't. You didn't answer any of my messages.' Peter steps in front of me to stop me.

I keep my head down. 'Did you message me?' I play dumb.

'Is your phone not working?'

I shrug. More people are coming down the corridor making it harder for me to weave away from him.

He shakes his head. 'I texted you saying I was sorry about Gen on Friday, I hope we are all good?' he looks at me expectantly. It's even more obvious that there isn't anything there. He knows that it's going to be all good because there is no reason why it shouldn't be.

'Yeah why wouldn't we be?' I test him.

He just nods in reply. 'Ok, I thought you were ignoring me or something.'

I give him the best smile I can, though I know it's not a lot. 'Well sorry I don't think about you _that_ much.' I try to say it in a joking way but I can hear the edge.

His eyes flash almost disappointed and shocked as he looks at me, but I refuse to read into it. Instead I see my moment and say goodbye to him over my shoulder as I am able to escape. He is going to have to study for history on his own.

'So will we be studying tomorrow or anything?' Peter catches up to me quickly.

I have to roll my eyes at him. 'The exam is the day after that, there isn't much point to it.' I keep my eyes ahead of me.

'But Covey, if I want to do better than McClaren I need all the help that I can get.' Peter pleads.

I almost say ok, I almost let the words flow out of me. Even as I resist saying them, something feels wrong. It is strange wanting to agree to his plan and wanting to be there for Peter, but I remind myself that I need distance. That what I went through this past weekend was a warning against what was happening between Peter and I and how I would be disappointed in the future. I don't want to feel that way again.

'Sorry I can't.' I say to him. The words come out quickly before I am turning on my heel and walking away towards Josh.

I am so happy once I race and get into his car. I try not to see Peter standing where I left him, slightly confused look on his face. This was the right decision, I have to stay away from him, but then why do I feel so bad about it?

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The next day at school is much the same, though I constantly catch Peter staring over at me. He has a somewhat confused look on his face and doesn't say hi much to me. It is after experiencing all this that I realise how harsh I am being to him. I still want to be friends with him. He understands me in a way I don't think I have experienced with anyone and he makes me really laugh and feel really happy, I don't want to let that go yet.

'Why are you and Kavinsky so cold to each other?' Chris asks, after watching Peter turn his head away once I looked at him.

I shrug. 'I don't know.'

'LJ…..?' Chris prods me.

I know she can see straight through me. 'Fine, we hung out on Friday night like I told you, then he went to see Gen and didn't come back which you know about. He then asked if we were all cool and could study again, I told him that I couldn't and now he is mad at me.'

'That's so weird.' Chris remarks leaning against the locker next to mine.

'What? Why?' This was nothing like any of the responses that I was expecting from her.

'Well Lucas said that he has seen Kavinsky over at Gen's house a few times ever since that party, so I can't understand why he is mad tha you won't hang out with him.'

'Yeah that's weird.' I feel my heart gently thud on the ground realising that my intuition was correct and he was going straight back to Gen. It was almost unfair, but I can't blame him for doing what he wants to do. Knowing he is out of my reach, maybe I can still be friends with him.

I see him at his locker by himself just before our last classes of the day. I decide to try catch him there and go up to him. I hold my breath, forcing myself to commit to this and not chicken out by any means.

'Peter, I'm sorry if what I said offended you.' I say to him as soon as I am beside him.

He looks slightly caught off guard but then feigns an amused look on his face. 'Why would you think I am offended?'

I furrow my brow. He is being cold and distant, something I am not used to. 'Because I didn't want to study with you this afternoon.'

'Why would I be offended about that? Not like we had a deal or anything.' He brushes me off, but finally concedes that he is mad at me and something is wrong.

'I'm sorry, I figured any study now would be hopeless.' I try to tell him.

He gives me a look like 'yeah right', proving he doesn't believe me at all. He turns to walk to his class.

'So you're just going to ignore me now?' I trail behind him, trying to push on.

'Maybe.'

'I can't believe you are being this petty all because I won't study with you.'

He turns and faces me, his eyes are burning. 'I can't believe you'll ditch me like this a day before the exam.'

I let out a sigh. I know I am going to reject agreeing to this, but I can't stop the words coming out f my mouth. 'Fine, I'll study with you. Library after school, don't be late.' I watch him just look enough for him to nod slightly before turning on my heel and walking to my class. I can't believe that he could be getting so annoyed about the littlest thing. I know though that I did make a deal with him and I am hopeful that this will be our last study session and that's it.

When I walk into the library, I am pleasantly surprised to see Peter already there with his textbooks out. Though I notice he is on his phone which means he is definitely texting Gen. I can't imagine what more they would have to say to each other, but I have seen them interacting often so I guess they are almost back together.

'Hey.' I say to him dumping my bag next to my seat.

'What up, Covey?' he leans back in his chair, he has a smug look on his face probably because he convinced me to help him study.

'Why are you in such a good mood?' I scowl at him.

'Cause I'm going to absolutely ace this test after we study together.'

'I don't know if ace is the right word.'

He rolls his eyes, 'You gotta always put me down, don't you?' he says it playfully with a grin.

'Can't have you actually thinking highly of yourself.' I flash him back a smile.

He just laughs. It feels nice to hear him laugh but it also sends a sting through me, so I quickly turn to the books. 'Ok let's start.'

We manage to do a lot of good work between us. I forgot how helpful it was being able to teach Peter things to consolidate my knowledge. Even I have a feeling that I am going to do better than I have ever done in this test tomorrow. Peter asks good questions and always pays attention to what he does and doesn't know. I can't deny that I don't notice him looking more at me. He tries to be subtle but I always manage to catch him. I even swear that his eyes almost get distracted looking at me while I explain things to him. It's hard for me to handle. Before I enjoyed being admired by him, thinking that maybe it was a sign of him having feelings or something more towards me, but now it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have no idea what this is about and why his eyes are on me. It's all very strange.

'Can we take a break now?' Peter asks, once we've been studying for a while.

'Ok.' I answer, though I continue to read through my notes.

'When I say we, that includes you too.' He reaches over and closes my book on me, forcing him to have my attention.

'You are so desperate for attention.' I tease him.

'Don't deny, it could be worse.' He runs his fingers through his hair and I almost feel my breath hitch in his throat. The way the light hits his face and reflects off his dark hair as he shakes it, it's enough for someone to drop everything and take a photo to capture his beauty.

I don't let him know that of course. 'Really? I don't think it could get much worse.'

I almost regret saying that as he sits back on his chair and looks at me thoughtfully, I can't put my finger on the exact expression that I am seeing from him.

'Is that why you didn't want to study with me?' He asks, his eyes searching mine.

'Are you still holding a grudge?' I try to play it off.

'You still aren't answering the question.' He raises his eyebrows at me.

I sigh. 'There is nothing to say.' I look down at my hands. I can't tell him everything that has been happening in my mind, he'd just reject me here and now.

'I can't remember that last time I haven't said something to you that was playing on my mind.' Peter says pointedly at me.

'Are you and Gen back together?' I ask him. I know it's not a direct answer, but I hope it's enough.

He sighs and rubs his face. 'I don't know.'

'How come you didn't tell me?' I want to know why this would go around the school, but he wouldn't tell me himself. Especially when he ditched me for her.

'I don't know.'

'So much for not saying something to me that has been playing on your mind.' The insult is harsh and has an edge, but I can't help it.

He sighs again. 'I didn't know how to tell anyone. I don't even know what's happening.'

'Why don't you try?' I urge him. As much as it pains me to hear him speaking about his ex and how he might be getting back together with her, I know he needs to get it off of his chest. I really do have extra feelings for him when I'm willing to go through this.

He searches my eyes for a moment. I don't know what he is trying to find and I don't know what I am offering him, but somehow it gets him to start talking. 'She makes me so mad sometimes. What she did to me was so wrong. I know that it seems right now and it seems like we should have broken up earlier, but it's so hard to get rid of those experiences that we shared. She feels like the main person I am connected to no matter what. She keeps saying all these things as well, reminding me of what we went through and how much we are there for each other, as well as a whole other bunch of things she says to manipulate me and someone I've let her in. I thought I could fend her off, but I can't. Now I'm starting to understand what she is saying.'

I swallow the lump in my throat. 'Is everything you said before right though? You mentioned wanting to break up with her earlier and how you refused to do it because of what you had, do you still believe that?'

He shrugs. 'I don't know.'

'It's up to you, if you are willing to be hurt again, then do it, but if you still believe what you said before, then I would suggest you think very carefully.' I warn him.

'I don't know how this happened.' He sounds so hopeless and lost.

'It's easy to be reeled back in by the people we love. It's easy to still be hurt by them when they aren't even in your life anymore…' I trail off.

'Are you thinking about John?' Peter looks at me curiously.

I nod. 'Yeah even after we broke up, I still have feelings and get hurt by him. I can't deny that when I heard him hooking up with Pammy, I wanted to undo it all and keep him for me, but I would just end up hurting him again and I would never want to go through that.'

'Do you still love him?'

I let out a shaky breath, then I lock eyes with Peter. 'I don't know.'

We are both in a limbo of our emotions, I am lucky that I don't have Gen trying to manipulate mine. I have to feel for him as he goes through this and tries to figure out what he is doing.

Peter then looks at me thoughtfully. 'It's strange, I feel so confused about everything, even history and emotions and what not, but then when I talk to you about it, it all makes a little more sense.'

I nod. 'Yeah even if you get back with Gen, I'll still be your friend.' I let him know. I want him to know that I will be around and we can still have our deep chat as well as our playful banter.

'If I get back with Gen, you'll probably be the first person to go.' He admits. I have to agree, she'll definitely want to end whatever it is Peter and I have. I catch her glaring at me today when I approached Peter.

'Well at least we had a good time while it lasted.'

'Yeah…' he trails off thinking.

'Ok let's get back to work.' I bring his attention back to our books to study.

He grumbles something and continues looking out the window a bit before I manage to wrangle his attention back onto history.

We do some good work between us. When the library is almost about to close we call it a night, both of us pretty exhausted from what we have done and feeling good about tomorrow. Peter offers to treat me dinner, but I tell him that Daddy is expecting me home soon. He shrugs and then opens my door for me for his car.

'So this was our last study session.' I mention to him in the car.

'Yeah.' He nods, his hand on the top of the steering wheel.

'Are you gonna miss me?' I'm curious whether he will answer playfully or seriously. From the way he tilts his head, I assume it is the latter.

'You're actually pretty great to talk to.' He notes.

'And?' I tease.

'And you help me a lot with history.'

'Much better.'

'You make me laugh a lot more than any other girl.'

'That's true.' I was pushing for the tutoring but now he is going forth and listing things.

'You give really good advice.'

I nod, even though it apparently not following it at the moment.

'You are a really nice sister to Kitty and Margot.'

I shut my mouth as he continues, I didn't know he had noticed this much.

'You cheer on other people really well.'

'You are always there for people.'

'You believe in the fantasy of romance, but don't give yourself a real chance.'

Here is where I cut in. 'What is that supposed to mean? I had a real romance with John.'

'Yeah but you weren't fully yourself. You are afraid to let someone in the whole way.' He looks over at me.

I look down at my hands. 'You know why…' I trail off.

'I hope someone one day can prove that belief to you wrong and show you how great it is to open up to people.' He mentions.

'I open up to you.' I argue.

'That's true.'

I feel a surge of confidence flow through me. 'So you think that I need to be as honest with someone else as I am with you.'

He shrugs. 'Maybe you just need to pay better attention to the things around you.'

We pull up outside my house. I have no idea what the meaning is behind what he just said. Is he talking about himself? I don't get it.

'Good night Covey, good luck tomorrow.' He grins at me.

'You two, I know you'll smash it.'

We share a glance and then I get out, my head still reeling over what he has just said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Walking into the test the next day, I am pumped and excited. Peter and I exchange a few pep talks. He is incredibly nervous, just as nervous as he was when we submitted the assignment. I think it's adorable to see him finally taking the chance on his studies and trying to do well. Just before we walk into the room for the test, he pulls me into a tight hug. He seemed to be wishing motivational words more to himself than me, though I enjoyed being close to him. I saw Gen's face over his shoulder and it was all scrunched up in annoyance, that made me almost pull him closer knowing we would never be able to do this again if he got back together with Gen. We shared one last hopeful look before we walked in. The test was pretty good I had to say. We had managed to predict almost all of the questions and have good answers for them. I felt Peter looking over at me a few times with a small smile on his face, but I didn't want to entertain him as I didn't want to look suspicious in anyway.

When we all finished, Peter went sprinting out to celebrate with the rest of his friends who were all excited about their test being over. I didn't mind much at all. Chris and I sat by the edge of the cafeteria. She was going on and on about the ski trip coming up.

'It's going to be so good, you have to come!' She insists.

'Chris, what? I can't ski or snowboard to save my life.' I argue.

'I'll teach you.'

'No!'

'Peter's going to be there.' She mentions looking at me thoughtfully.

I shrug. 'Yeah he'll probably be having his reunion with Gen, something I don't want to be there for.'

'You seriously think he and Gen still have something? If anyone has anything it's between you and him.'

'That's not true.'

'Well then come on the ski trip and find out. If he and Gen get back together it'll only be because she manages to snake her way around him when you aren't there. If you are there, you'll really have to make him choose.'

I sigh. The fantasy of being with Peter and having something with him is pulling me at this point. I really want it to be true, but then I remember how awful I felt when he chose Gen over me that Friday night. I look over at him, as he is with his friends a big smile on his face. As if he feels my eyes on him, he looks over at me, grinning and gives me a wink. I smile back. I wonder how he is so handsome? How he is so sweet and thoughtful? It's not fair.

'Ok, I'm in.' I tell Chris.

 _A/N: Lol I forgot to upload this chapter! I haven't been in much of a mood to write lately so I might take a bit more of a break after uploading this one! But ooooooooohhhhh, Ski trip! Gen, Peter and LJ all in the same place at once, what is this all going to mean?_

 _Also I'm heading back to Uni soon which means that I definitely won't be able to post much at all since it is extremely hectic! But know there is a lot more to this story! So even if it takes me the whole year to get there, I hope I will finish it! And I know I need to update my other one as well, that's on my to-do list!_

 _Hope you enjoy it! Be sure to review, favourite and follow!_


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